Jonathan Ames is the New York neurotic Jew inside of us. I’ve read enough of his novels (2 1/2, and yes I’m bragging so eff off) to know that Jonathan Ames is a serious man. He’s not trying to be Woody Allen. He’s not trying to be some sort of 1970s Jewish archetype. But he is, just less neurotic, dependent on substances, and hilariously uncensored. Seriously. In one novel hi main character has an unexplainable nose fetish.

If you want to get to know Jonathan Ames in 11 minutes, this is the video for you. Ames is drunk. He’s drunk because he has terrible stage fright. Speaking in front of an audience must be incredibly stressful. He’s also drunk because his wonderful show, Bored To Death, was cancelled from HBO. And as a consolation, he was given an opportunity to present some awards (instead of steaming in silent, dejected anger off in some corner).

Ames spends his time on stage lamenting the death of his own show, while being an irreverent prick to HBO, all the while making self-deprecating jokes about how he has no business being there. He’s just a lowly novelist who lucked out to write and produce a show for HBO. A tall gangly Jewish man who prefers his weed to his wine (Prosecco).

We’ll miss you Ames. You’re the cynically clever, obviously Jewish, and hilariously drunk uncle we never had. We hope you come back soon!

// SplitSider
// Photo by Ezra who blogs here

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You wanna be him. We all do. Don’t be embarrassed.

Someone once told me that there is no ‘poon’ in comedy. But there is lots of ‘dick’ in comedy. Atleast that’s what was discovered in a recent poll.

More than music, more than sports, more than “personal style,” comedy has become essential to how young men view themselves and others, the research showed.

Stuck in an elevator? Sixty-three percent of young men surveyed said they would choose to be there with Jon Stewart (or some other favorite comic), and only 15 percent said they would prefer that time with Eli Manning (or some other idolized athlete).

Take THAT. Young males throughout the world prefer Jews/comedians over big dudes with lots of muscles who make millions of dollars and try to kill eachother all the time, all the while society treats them like Gods. THERE IS A GOD.

As an aspiring stand up comedian, I can only assume that all of you male readers out there love me, need me, and want to be me. Horay for RESEARCH!

And if we have learned anything from Hipster Comedian Aziz Ansari, it’s that this a fucking trend people. Musicians like Lana Del Ray and Vampire Weekend are constantly berated by ‘true’ Hipsters. Yet everyone loves a good comedy.

“Comedy is so central to who they are, the way they connect with other people, the way they get ahead in the world. One big takeaway is that unlike previous generations, humor, and not music, is their No. 1 form of self-expression.” // Nytimes

These days everyone is a musician, and ALMOST everyone is a comedian. But there’s just enough winners losers that haven’t been beaten into thinking comedy is a good idea. Let the age of Hipster Comedy commence!

Not surprised that David Frum, political commentator and unofficial spokesman of the Republican Party (and boardmember of the Jewish Republican Coalition), would turn Obama’s Israel policy into such a hack job. That’s how the politic game works these days though. Politics are ugly, and even most political commentators have little class. Hell, I’m of the opinion that anyone who talks about politics in a ‘Us vs Them’ paradigm,  which only leads to ugly confrontations where one or both parties can only see life through a black/white prism.

“Obama seeks to cut funding to Israel. SEEKs TO CUT FUNDING TO ISRAEL?!?!?!?! Obama murders little Israeli children in their sleep. MURDERS LITTLE ISRAELI CHILDREN IN THEIR SLEEP?!?!?! Call Obama and tell him you think he’s an Israel-hating anti-Semitic doody-face.”

For that matter, anyone who talks about politics is an asshole, ergo, myself included. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get angry Obama shaved $6.3 million off of a $3 billion dollar yearly allotment. I’m sure they weren’t trying to satirize Jewish stereotypes of being cheap by complaining that Obama cut funding by .21%. Although, it probably would have been smarter to totally black out the lines instead of greying them and looking like spoiled children.

If you don’t take my word for it, David Frum called this a ‘powerful TV ad’.

Happy Presidents’ Day! Here’s a small blurb written by Stephen Colbert. It can be found in the greatest American history text book ever written: America (The Book)

Historians debate feverishly over the best president in American history. However, there is little disagreement over who was the worst. His name was Warren G. Harding (1921-1923), and he sucked.

The reasons why he sucked are many and, to be truthful, have been widely catalogued in the annals of presidential history. So, with your indulgence, I’d like to focus instead on the intensity of his sucking.

Warren G. Harding was a worthless piece of shit. Fuck him. His presidency was a taint, not just in the sense of a “stain on the office”, but literally a taint – the anatomical area between the anus and the testicles.

I hate Warren G. Harding.

Yes. Let us never forget that the Athenians won because of their brute nail color choice. And the famed Jewish Maccabees won because the blue of their finger nails was so dazzling.

Because nothing seems more desperate than painting your nails so you can try to get laid.

When I think ‘swagger’ I think Kanye and Jay-Z. Would they wear this? Up in the air. Kanye, depends how he’s feeling that day. But the Jiggaman? Too image-conscious.

Feet are ugly. They’re the bastard child of the human body, competing only with ears. But most people just accept that their feet are ugly, and they move on. If I’m covering anything up, it’ll be some terrible birth defect.

If your nails match your outfit, +5 Attack and +2 Dexterity!

It’s the easiest way to say ‘I’m a rock star. I’m different/better than you, but please like me because without you I am nothing’.

I suppose style has something to do with nail painting. But if you need to accessorize, you can do so with a hat, a tie, a watch, shoes….you know, accessories.

I’m speechless.

We all love skinny jeans. Atleast, if you just read that last statement, odds are that you do. And sometimes, when my parole officer forces me to, I do some community service. Posting this video counted for 1 hour of my CS. So thank you, internet. And enjoy some bootleg video my some college kids back in 2009. Or don’t. Fuck it. It’s Friday and I just want to suck on an ice cold microbrew.

In a rather interesting factoid, the American Association of Independent Music put out a press release pointing out that at this year’s Grammy’s, artists on indie labels won 34 of the Academy’s 78 awards, five short of an even 50/50 split, and if they had included Adele, who is signed to indie label XL but distributed stateside by Columbia, that tally would have been an even 40. Including Adele, it’s also the fourth year in a row that an artist on an indie label has won Album of the Year. Good on you, indies. Insert your own “I liked indie music before it won 44% of all Grammys” joke here. //prefix mag

What does this mean for you, the indie-music aficionado? Indie is the new mainstream. Mainstream is the new indie. Up is down and down is up. Life no longer makes sense. So you have a few options. You can either cry, bitch and moan about how indie music is ‘dead’, or you can get drunk as shit and sing Shania Twain at the top of your lungs. Because let’s face it, the bands you like are winning awards, which makes your taste in music shitty. Give up and give in to all those pop songs you loved from your childhood (and still secretly love).

And tomorrow, when you wake up hungover, with some hairy dude/chick in your bed, you can start only supporting bands who lose a shit ton of money every year.

One of these things, is not like the other, and is only caring about Chabad in Florida so that the ‘JEWS’ will vote for his party in the upcoming midterm elections.

Boehner said that although he had attended many Jewish events in his long political career, it was the first time he had been to a synagogue, according to New York Rabbi Jacob Goldstein, who was at the event. Boehner also cited his close ties to the House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, who is currently the only Jewish Republican in Congress. // The Jewish Week

Jewish events = 2 AEPi parties in college

Total Jewish friends = 1 ish.

Random NY Rabbis there to whore themselves out to the media/political-complex = 1

Times Boehner uses Cantor as an excuse for making off-colored Jew jokes = ∞

Self-hating Jewish Republicans = ALL OF THEM