Hipster Jew

Only the best are self-described hipsters

Chicky — Thu, 16 May 2013 21:19:36 +0000

A new study came out, proving that the term ‘Hipster’ is still a derogatory term – but an entirely acceptable one – to this now marginalized and oft-hated group. (Think ‘punks’, but whiney and without any street cred.) Being a Hipster is great. This blog describes what makes being a self-described ~~douchebag~~ hipster so great. Once you accept the hate, you can let it flow through your veins, course into your soul and let it control your every action.

“10 percent of Americans identify as hipsters — that ill-defined category of urban, overeducated youth — while 50 percent of citizens between the ages of 18 and 29 say they wear the label with pride.”

Hipsters, REPRESENT!

//AtlanticWire

Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr – Dark Waters

Chicky — Thu, 16 May 2013 17:43:01 +0000

Dale Earnhardt, killing it again with another wonderful Beatles-inspired song and really fucking weird music video. I don’t think that at this point in their career they can do any wrong. Get their new EP, Patterns, here.

The JAP Jersey Shore Show

Chicky — Wed, 15 May 2013 20:25:17 +0000

There’s a new Bravo reality show coming out. It’s full of stereotypes, joobs, and spoiled, terrible women. It takes place on Long Island. And it’s full of insane, terribly spoiled Jewish girls. LONG ISLAND PRINCESSES to the rescue!

Does it seem like a terrible joke? Or that all the women are actresses who were told to act as terrible as possible, in the most annoying accent known to humankind? Probably. And that’s what will make it an amazing tv show.

I can’t wait to watch rich spoiled girls act like bitches. It’ll be like all the girls I avoided at college all over again.

Atleast now, when rednecks in Alabama think about Jews, it wont be just about all the money we have and the media we own. It’ll also be about our daughters who are all terrible monsters. Monsters we created.

To sum it up:

“SHABAT SHALOM. GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

//Forward

10 Commandments for Hipster Jews

Chicky — Wed, 15 May 2013 17:32:54 +0000

For Shavuot, I thought it was only appropriate that I write up the 10 hipster commandments that hipster Moses brought down to hipster Jews when he came off of Mount Snow Patrol.

1) You shall have no other gods but David Berman of Silver Jews.

2) You shall not make for yourself a carved image, unless you say it was hand-crafted artisan.

3) You shall not take the name of the Lord your god in vain…unless you’re being totally ironic.

4) Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy by: Drinking, practicing with your band, going record shopping, playing dodgeball; but remember NO ROLLING.

5) Honor your father and mother by becoming a poor artist who makes art about them.

6) You shall not murder….fashion.

7) You shall not commit adultery and cheat on Pitchfork, Stereogum, Gorilla vs Bear, or any other music blog that you find holy.

8) You shall not steal…music from indie artists. Don’t be a dick, buy their album it costs like 1 or 2 beers.

9) You must not testify falsely against your neighbor – unless he’s being a huge bro and needs to be called out.

10) You shall not covet – unless it’s a vinyl of Neutral Milk Hotel and your friend didn’t even TRY to see Jeff Mangum when he was playing 3 hours away.

Exhibit D: Hasids vs. Cyclists

The Duckman — Wed, 15 May 2013 15:29:58 +0000

It’s really beautiful how the Hasids in Williamsburg can get together and use their voice and money to strengthen their community. It’s also extremely disturbing and pathetic. Get ready for tons more videos of hasids trying to run down citi bike cyclists traveling through this Bermuda square of cyclist hatred. I expect a Hasid running down cyclist flash game within the next year.

Dude, Where’s My Chutzpah? World Premiere

The Duckman — Tue, 14 May 2013 20:03:51 +0000

Dude Where’s my Chutzpah is a brand new web series featuring the hilarious Jessie Kahnweiler. It’ll be premiering at the Downtown Independent Theater in LA on the 19th of May! So if you’re on the left coast, you need to be there. Otherwise, you can sit at your computer and wait for this series to drop.

Still not convinced? You fickle SOBs. Here is a Q&A we had with Jessie about Dude Where’s My Chutzpah and other upcoming projects.

HJ – Hi Jessie!
Jumping right in, where did you get you chutzpa from, and does your mother know about this?

Jessie Kahnweiler For the whole back story I’d really like to play up the story of my bubbe actually passing away and leaving me money. Yeah it’s a lie but it’s not like an evil lie it’s a little white or olive skinned lie…..I want the series to be more of a performance, I’ll relase the episodes in 3 parts and kind of pretend like it’s happening as we speak. So I can get the audience involved.

HJ – Why should I watch your new web series?

JK – This series is for anyone who’s ever need to get lost in order to find themselves. I know major barf cheesy but for serious, before I went on this quest to find my Judaism I was doing just fine, drinking 8 dollar lattee’s and waiting in my Prius for my dream life to start. This journey has shown me that being a Jew means asking questions that have no answers, getting dirty, falling on your ass and jumping up to beg for more. I’m a jewish sephardic girl so i’ve always had chest hair but this journey def made me grow a few more. I always thought Judiasm was like my grandma’s thing but this project has forced me to look at judiasm in a whole new light: it’s radical, and liberal, and spirtual, and even sexy… it’s like those optical illsuion paintings from the Mall… it’s kinda whatever the hell you want it to be.

HJ – Wow that’s so cool and or funny! How did you come up with this idea?

JK – Well about 2 years ago my bubbe passed away and she left me a HUGE sum of money but I could only cash in if I could prove to her Rabbi that I could live Jewish for 1 year. Of course I freaked out because, like most Jews my age, the only thing I knew about being Jewish was eating bagels and having thick leg hair. Thus my insane quest to do Judaism MY way AKA “Dude,Where’s my Chutzpah?” was born. Needless to say, it’s been one hell of a ride… We’re all trying to find the best version of ourselves and by giving me this mission my bubbe was trying to help me find my soul potential. It’s been one hell of a ride and I can’t wait to keep going. I’m scared but my bubbe didn’t rasie no pussy.

HJ – Did you ever end up finding yourself?

JK – ??!!?!? Way to send me right back into therapy dude. I think im trying, I’m giving it a shot and trying to listen to my heart and my stomach and live an honest life. The more I make films and deal with shit in an honest way, life just gets better, yeah it just keeps getting better. I mean it can’t get any worse right?

HJ – Can you lend me a few… hundred dollars? No but I can teach you how to sell your first born to fund your movies. 1st step grow some balls and get a vagina.

JK – What type of characters should I be expecting to see? Hmmm it’s all a version of me going through these sceanrios (using Religion, Race, Social Taboo’s etc.) where I get out of myself in order to try and figure out what it means to be me. Do I ever fully get it?…… Yeah right, that makes for a real honest storytelling…… people just sitting around being good at life….:)

HJ – What else have you been working on?!

JK – Right now im prepping (fundraising $$ wink wink) for a sort of sequel to “dude where’s my chutzpah?” called “White Noise” where I explore all the various races/sub cultures in and around LA. There’s such a taboo around the subject of race, we don’t even have the proper language to discuss and explore how it both separates and unites us. I want to have those conversations that are normally reserved for the thoughts inside our heads. How do we identify “the other” and how does the “other” self- identify? Lots of chick and egg dynamics. Being a Jewish chick, it’s an interesting background to come from. A culture that has such a strong history of identifing (and later) siding with “the other” while also reaping the benefits of whiteness. I wanted to take that perspective along with me on my journey. I don’t know what’s going to happen but that’s the point. Deep breath, shaved armpits, good running shoes and I’m off…..

More info for…
White Noise: http://igg.me/at/whitenoise
Chutzpah: www.dudewheresmychutzpah.com
@shegotchutzph

Haim meets Macklovitch

The Duckman — Mon, 13 May 2013 19:22:11 +0000

In the most Hipster Jew event of all time, Haim and Chromeo / A-trak meet at Greenblatt’s Deli in LA. Haim girls, meet the Machlovitch boys. Now have tons and tons of babies.

Gay Reform Rabbi: Locusts attack Israel because of Palestine treatment

Chicky — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:24:07 +0000

Radical religious Rabbis have argued that tragedies such as the destruction of Soddom and Gemorrah, The Holocaust, Hurricane Sandy, and 9/11 were directly caused by the fact that gay people exist and do gay things. Because God hates gay people who do sexual things with consensual adults more than pedophiles and Hasidim who hide pedophiles, stealing billions of dollars from regular people, and murdering children. This Torah-based logic cannot be argued.

Yet that’s just what near-heathen Reform, liberal gay Rabbi Duckie tries to do. Speaking at the Judas’ for Palestine annual group meeting, Rabbi Duckie blamed the treatment of Palestinians for the recent plague of billions of locusts devastating all of Israel’s crops:

People say that lots of locusts are good, because you can eat them. Truth is that not only do most Jews who support the oppression of Palestinian people believe that locusts aren’t Kosher, but you can only eat so many locusts before you just want a slice of lox.

This isn’t the first time locusts have plagued Jews. That is, if you read the Old Testament with minimal skepticism.

Other Rabbis claim that the 10 plagues only hurt the Egyptians, which is ridiculous. What about all the Jews who died during the Plague of Darkness? Didn’t they die in that plague? Isn’t it too convenient to claim they were ‘unworthy’ of leaving Egypt? How much longer before religious Rabbis claim they too were killed because they were all gay?

Rabbi Dovid Moskowitz countered with this tidbit of fanaticism:

Well actually Israel is the best place for gays in the Middle East! But that is erroneous. The gays are ruining Israel and the world. Now excuse me as I go to my family and don’t contribute to society in any meaningful way.

At the end of the day, the message seems clear. If Israel keeps treating Palestinians as second class citizens, there will be Boils, Darkness, and Wild Animals ransacking the state of Israel. It’s all in the Old Testament.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Stephen Colbert approves of Hipster diaperless babies

Chicky — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:04:58 +0000

There are always stupid trends throughout the world, but it seems the stupidest ones are propagated by rich white young people, also haphazardly described as ‘Hipsters’. This includes, but isn’t limited to: Not vaccinating children, treating your children like they’re your friends, and thinking shots cause autism. And now we can include not giving your babies diapers, whether cloth or factory made.

If I had a friend who did this, I wouldn’t have a friend who did this. Because I’d never talk to them again.

That being said, if he/she used their baby to double-decker public toilets….well that’s not for me to judge.

Andy Kaufman Comedy Record Album to be Released

The Duckman — Thu, 09 May 2013 23:34:48 +0000

Drag City will be releasing an Andy Kaufman comedy album on July 16th called Andy and His Grandmother. The record was compiled by comedian Vernon Chatman and will be narrated by Bill Hader.

From the press release:

Among the many things that Andy achieved in his lifetime (and in the years following), a phonograph album release, the staple of stand-up comedians in his time, never happened – until now. Andy and His Grandmother is material never heard before, a skimming from 82 hours of micro-cassette tapes that Andy recorded during 1977-79. Andy regarded the micro-tape recorder as a fantastic new way of capturing his hoaxing, and carried it with him everywhere, for use at any given moment.

Am I excited? So excited! I love Drag City. I love Andy Kaufman. When things I love come together, magic happens. I’m going to watch Man on the Moon every week until this album comes out.

TRACK LIST
1. Andy Is Making A Record
2. Andy And His Grandmother
3. Andy’s Land Live
4. Andy Loves His Tape Recorder
5. Slice Of Life
6. Andy Goes To the Movies
7. Kick In the Pants
8. Andy Can Talk to Animals
9. I’m Not Capable Of Having A Relationship
10. Hookers
11. Andy And His Grandmother Go For A Drive
12. Sleep Comedy
13. [HONK] vs. [DOG] A
14. [HONK] vs. [DOG] B
15. Andy Goes For A Taxi Ride
16. Andy’s English Friend Paul
17. I Want Those Tapes