ETSY’s New Policy Update:

Hey crafty friends! For all of you selling your found objects and livers on Etsy, I need to fill you in on a few new policy updates.

1. Etsy has become a smoke free environment. Please step 12 feet away from your computer before lighting up. You can’t sell things you smoke. No tobacco, no cloves, no smoking teas and herbs, no weed, and no sketchy baggies of salvia (it won’t work anyways… trust me).

2. Please keep all body parts on your body. This means no cute love letters in blood. And you can’t send a real heart to anyone. But you are allowed to buy and sell hair. Thats not creepy at all. You can also get someone’s cavity filled tooth. Again, I see nothing creepy about selling teeth.

3. Do not sell flammables. There is a little pyromaniac in all of us just waiting to burn down the USPS.

4. No modes of transportation… Unless it’s really hipster and doesn’t have a motor. So sell your bikes, but don’t sell your moped.

5. No drug and bongs. Sorry all you glass blowing freaks. You must sell your soul to the black market or that one street that everyone goes on to buy their pipes from the guy at the corner. You know what I’m talking about.