Dear Hipster Jew, I’m having social media problems

Dear Hipster Jew,

I’m currently in a social media war with my neighbor. First she started checking into foursquare at MY OWN HOME. It’s gotten to the point where I’m fighting for my mayor rights every day (I get to give pretty ladies back rubs!). Now she is checking in with instagram and tagging her dumb cat photos. How can I regain my mayoral rights without losing my dignity? Please help me.

-TwitFaceGram

Dear TFG,
I must first inform you that this is no longer 2009. Being mayor on Foursquare is as useless as the social interactions on Yelp. Sure, you can get free shit once in awhile, or in this case back rubs, but how often does that happen? Never. There are only two reasons to use foursquare.

1. To show an ex you’re having more fun then they are.
2. To inform the world you’re not that depressed about being sad and alone.

So stop worrying about being mayor of AlonevilleHQ and start worrying about checking into the hottest clubs as you drive by them at 3 in the afternoon.

As for the instagram photos spamming your house: You need to take care of this ‘problem’, or should I say, the Satan worshipers we call ‘cats’. Nothing says “I’m lonely” like a cat. With your foursquare house filled with cat photos, everyone will know how lame you really are. My suggestion is to take care of the cat. Interpret that however you want, but the cat must no longer be a part of your neighbors life. Your neighbor can’t be bringing both of you down socially, in some sort of mutual destruction.

Hope that helps!

-HJ

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