Archives For Bars/Alcohol

garagista-3

South African brewers Garagista Beer Co. has a new marketing campaign: all about bashing hipsters. Their beer is for normies, not hipster scum. And they have a poster or two (or five) to go with it. I mean, they get the specifics messed up a bit, because of course they did. I’m pretty sure normals have a better chance of using the Ramones t shirt for fashion than a hipster would, seeing as the Ramones are mainstream as fuck and I’m pretty sure hipsters are only allowed to listen to post punk (it’s in the contract you sign when you become a become hipster, right after the clause about only drinking the most terrible booze), not first wave.

Or how about that the company is named Garagista? You know, like the word garage, where someone would homebrew for their first time… How would someone let other people know about it? “My favorite beer is Garagista… my friend brews it in his garage with a couple of other guys…you probably haven’t heard of it before?” Sounds pretty fucking hip to me, Garagista.

Now you’ve set up shop in an actual brewery, making a few different drinks. Little did you know you’ve opened the door to the hipster floodgates: someone takes a sip of a new brew and says “You know, their first one was better.” And you’d best believe it will happen; hipsters love irony, and surely some local trust funders will buy their beer simply because it would be so funny if hipsters drink the beer that hates hipsters. It’s coming, Garagista. You’ll have to grit your teeth and pretend to like it when every keg tap party you throw is attended by hipsters and the men are wearing tighter and shorter shorts than the women. Good luck, have fun.

I’ll pass though, an attention getting gimmick like this is pretty transparent, and I don’t think you will get “normcore” enough to be sold here in the States. Besides, even if you did, I’m not sure how appealing to not-hipsters is going to get them to switch from MillerBudCoors Lites.

Check this out.

Yes, that is a city bus sporting a PBR full sleeve. Look closer and you’ll see that it went all out and is showing off the tallboy, every hipster’s 16oz weapon of choice for any situation. Viewing party? Tallboy. Alleyway loitering? Tallboy sixpack. House party? Tallboy 24pack. Littering? Empty tallboy can. Taking the bus? Brownbagged tallboy. Shower beer? Two tallboys and a one hitter. Taking the bus that’s advertising tallboys? Use your common sense, cmon. Tallboys all day.

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!

Mila Kunis is the new face of Jim Beam. What does that mean? Well it all depends on your feelings for Jim Beam. For me, it will always be part of the Philly special. $3 for a shot of Jim Beam and a PBR. Each one’s bad taste counteracts each other and becomes something tolerable. Soon enough you’re drunk, crying on the floor of the bathroom, wondering why no one liked your creative ideas in class.

It’s like that dark era of my life now has Mila Kunis as a spokesperson… Cool…

Okay, look. This is getting ridiculous. Everybody knows that the hipster beer forever and ever, amen is PBR. You can show up to a bar in a suit or a football jersey, but order a PBR and you’ll still be called a hipster. And it’s always by some guy that’s way too drunk and/or a few years behind the times that will yell it out, like he thought up the gem all by himself: “A PBR?? HAHA? What are ya?! Some kinda hipster?” It’s just one of those markers that will get you pegged, every time. It’s like getting caught walking out of an American Apparel, or buying a pack of Parliaments. Drinking PBR = hipster. It’s almost a universal constant.

So, why would anyone try this?

 

Futile

Futile

It’s a pale ale, but I had to look up the brewery on the internet to even get that much info. The packaging does nothing for the beer, and it’s just overall not really appealing. If I hadn’t been looking at every beer in the place, I would have skipped right over it. It doesn’t look hipster at all. If you’re going to name it after hipsters, go all out. At least put a mustache or a fixie on the can or something.

The one thing this beer has going for it is that it’s part of a company’s line of products that is pretty large, meaning they probably just shit out a pale ale for the fun of it, named it hipster for a laugh, and forgot all about it. And since hipsters try extremely hard to look like they don’t care, it almost works in a meta kind of way. I’m sort of doing contortions trying to get this to make sense to me, and I think that’s the closest I’ll get.

I ended up buying PBR anyway, because, well, you know.

alcohol

5) PBR
The hipster classic. Easy to drink and easy to be “the founder of the feast” by bringing a lot. Loses points for its low ABV, so you have to combine it with shots, or drink a hell of a lot and get that “all of my bodily fluids are beer right now” type of drunk.

4) Evan Williams

Those of us with trust funds might be tempted to get Knob Creek or Woodford Reserve, but when you’re pouring out communal shots for the whole party at midnight, you want more not better. Plus, this way you get to see who’s experiences with shooting whiskey and who’s a baby that will make entertaining faces and complain about how bad it tastes for at least ten minutes afterward. Bonus if they puke.

3) Rum & Coke

Party staple, though maybe a little corporate for using a name brand. Also has the tendency of starting out at the beginning of the night being a respectable ratio of Coke to booze, and at the end being a hellbrew of mostly rum with a dash of soda. Drink at your own risk.

2) Champagne

The one set time of year where it’s acceptable to drink the stuff, unless you’re a rapper. Resolve to make up more excuses to drink this during the upcoming year. Save a bottle or two for the next morning so that you can make mimosas, in case you’re a weakling that gets hangovers.

1) Microbrew

The ultimate in cred. Get one high in ABV so that you don’t have to drink an entire case just to keep up with the rest of the party. Pick up a gluten free pack in case you’ve got a friend with an allergy, or want to impress the hot chick on the fad diet across the room. Or if you plan ahead, go to a microbrewery outside of your local area the day before the party so that you can buy a beer that no one has ever heard of, ensuring your status as Drunken Master of Hipsters.

coffee_milk_beer

I saw this and got so excited. There’s only a couple coffee milk companies in the world (probably factual), and they’re all owned by one giant company (40% accurate). I remember the day in Middle School when I realized you could order coffee milk for lunch. Everyone else ordered Chocolate or Plain like some mindless 12 year old assholes. I knew what was important, I knew what mattered – an obsession, unhealthy dependency on liquid coffee substances.

Here I am, 12 years later, with a large bottle of coffee milk syrup in my cabinet. And now, I can get myself the beer version – besides for Kahlua (which is, for all purposes, adult coffee milk) – and can drink what I can only imagine will be a delicious milk coffee stout for the rest of my short, barbaric, ironic life.

My New Years resolution is to swim in a tub of this stuff.

This Maccabee beer commercial is beyond confusing. So confusing. First off, ew. All beer made in Israel tastes like PBR, so I guess it isn’t that bad. But sometimes you want to drink a beer that has flavor and complexity, and you don’t want to pay 5 bucks because alcohol is actually taxed in Israel. Also, I didn’t know until now that Goldstar and Maccabee are produced by the same people – shouldn’t the government get involved and break up that shitty beer monopoly? That’d be like if Anheuser-Busch owned a bunch of shitty….nevermind.

The best beer I had in Israel was called Bazelet, and was a microbrew (with a brew-pub, American style), and it gave me hope for the entire country. I mean, as far as I’m concerned no beer means no Democracy. Use some of that holy water to make some holy liquids, alright?

Anyhow, you’ve got the guy from the Old Spice commercials, with an American flag next to him, asking you about what you’ve tasted. And lemme tell you, things get personal. Have I tasted the sun? Have a tasted a pot brownie in Amsterdam? Have I ever tasted a man? That’s not appropriate, Old Spice dude, we just met!

But damn is this a good commercial. I may disagree with the tastiness of Maccabee beer, but I can’t fault their advertising. Now I’m gonna drink a cheap, hand-crafted beer because I’m a fucking beer snob.

//6nobacon

Drink beer.

I am so done with the whole “I don’t like beer, I only like fruity drinks” thing.

We’ve all been there ladies. We’ve all not liked beer at one time in our lives.It’s just something you have to grow out of or die trying.

Avoiding drinking beer does not make you classy or more stylish than the rest of us. You are not more ladylike because you abstain from a good, solid  Black & Tan Yuengling at the company barbecue.  You are just a tool. Or a tool-ista because I think tool is a word referring to ladz instead of ladiez.

Lady Drinking Beer

Atta girl

But mainly, I’m just making this argument so I can get my lady friendz to come with me to cheap beer special nights before we graduate and alcohol becomes a crutch instead of a enjoyment and my beer belly grows the size of a pregnancy belly so at my next large family gathering everyone’s really excited but also incredibly disappointed in me.

 

 

 

Some people say it’s a mitzvah to get drunk on Purim to the point you can’t tell good from bad. Others find drinking on Purim to be a terrible idea. I say, let the people eat cake! Or in this case, drink until your heart, liver, and stomach craps out.

getting-drunk

This is going to be a heavy weekend of drinking, so my suggestion is to start slow. There is no need to rush into this. Trust me. I went on a 30+ day drinking binge once. The first week was terrible. But I lasted 40 or 50 days… I think…it all became a blur…I was drinking a lot then (and quitting is for losers). So play a drinking game where you take a shot every time they mention ‘Haman’. This includes in regular conversation, and the first half of the word ‘hamantaschen’. Maybe skip one or two, if you wanna survive the night. Trust me, you don’t want to be puking on your rabbi before the 20th time Haman is mentioned in the megillah reading -it looks bad. It also sidelines you from participating in the future Purim festivities.

Then again, have you heard the music they blast at these events? Terrible! And no one wants to spend real money can afford a good sound system so all the crappy songs sounds crappier. So maybe you should get plastered early. I mean look at this guy in the video below. Everyone else is just lounging around, looking bored. But this guy… he’s a man who wants to party.

You should also take precaution and not drive or do anything illegal. I feel like I have to tell you this because some people are bad at listening. If you can’t avoid dancing into a table, there’s a great chance you can’t avoid driving into a telephone pole.

Another piece of advice: Make sure you’re sober enough to know who you’re dancing with. Even if there is mixed dancing, you reallllly don’t know if you’re with a guy or a girl. It’s happened to me. I think it happened to a guy in this video too…

You might be saying “well he has a beard!” Trust me. It doesn’t matter.

And while we are discussing bad decisions, please don’t drunk dial an ex. Not even your ex-Rabbi. It’s a terrible idea. When you leave your car keys with someone, please leave your cellphone. You just don’t want to be THAT guy.

To end on a more positive note. Keep calm. Have fun. Drink water. And don’t be the center of attention. Because maybe at one point in the night, you’re going to be filmed wearing a cheesehead shtreimel (around the 2:30 mark). Nobody will be proud of the video evidence that will follow you around, and will be seen by every future employer, forever.

Please remember you probably have work or school on Monday, so don’t go too wild. Or go wild and send me the video. I don’t care, I’m a blogger not a cop.