I saw this and got so excited. There’s only a couple coffee milk companies in the world (probably factual), and they’re all owned by one giant company (40% accurate). I remember the day in Middle School when I realized you could order coffee milk for lunch. Everyone else ordered Chocolate or Plain like some mindless 12 year old assholes. I knew what was important, I knew what mattered – an obsession, unhealthy dependency on liquid coffee substances.
Here I am, 12 years later, with a large bottle of coffee milk syrup in my cabinet. And now, I can get myself the beer version – besides for Kahlua (which is, for all purposes, adult coffee milk) – and can drink what I can only imagine will be a delicious milk coffee stout for the rest of my short, barbaric, ironic life.
My New Years resolution is to swim in a tub of this stuff.
This Maccabee beer commercial is beyond confusing. So confusing. First off, ew. All beer made in Israel tastes like PBR, so I guess it isn’t that bad. But sometimes you want to drink a beer that has flavor and complexity, and you don’t want to pay 5 bucks because alcohol is actually taxed in Israel. Also, I didn’t know until now that Goldstar and Maccabee are produced by the same people – shouldn’t the government get involved and break up that shitty beer monopoly? That’d be like if Anheuser-Busch owned a bunch of shitty….nevermind.
The best beer I had in Israel was called Bazelet, and was a microbrew (with a brew-pub, American style), and it gave me hope for the entire country. I mean, as far as I’m concerned no beer means no Democracy. Use some of that holy water to make some holy liquids, alright?
Anyhow, you’ve got the guy from the Old Spice commercials, with an American flag next to him, asking you about what you’ve tasted. And lemme tell you, things get personal. Have I tasted the sun? Have a tasted a pot brownie in Amsterdam? Have I ever tasted a man? That’s not appropriate, Old Spice dude, we just met!
But damn is this a good commercial. I may disagree with the tastiness of Maccabee beer, but I can’t fault their advertising. Now I’m gonna drink a cheap, hand-crafted beer because I’m a fucking beer snob.
I am so done with the whole “I don’t like beer, I only like fruity drinks” thing.
We’ve all been there ladies. We’ve all not liked beer at one time in our lives.It’s just something you have to grow out of or die trying.
Avoiding drinking beer does not make you classy or more stylish than the rest of us. You are not more ladylike because you abstain from a good, solid Black & Tan Yuengling at the company barbecue. You are just a tool. Or a tool-ista because I think tool is a word referring to ladz instead of ladiez.
But mainly, I’m just making this argument so I can get my lady friendz to come with me to cheap beer special nights before we graduate and alcohol becomes a crutch instead of a enjoyment and my beer belly grows the size of a pregnancy belly so at my next large family gathering everyone’s really excited but also incredibly disappointed in me.
Some people say it’s a mitzvah to get drunk on Purim to the point you can’t tell good from bad. Others find drinking on Purim to be a terrible idea. I say, let the people eat cake! Or in this case, drink until your heart, liver, and stomach craps out.
This is going to be a heavy weekend of drinking, so my suggestion is to start slow. There is no need to rush into this. Trust me. I went on a 30+ day drinking binge once. The first week was terrible. But I lasted 40 or 50 days… I think…it all became a blur…I was drinking a lot then (and quitting is for losers). So play a drinking game where you take a shot every time they mention ‘Haman’. This includes in regular conversation, and the first half of the word ‘hamantaschen’. Maybe skip one or two, if you wanna survive the night. Trust me, you don’t want to be puking on your rabbi before the 20th time Haman is mentioned in the megillah reading -it looks bad. It also sidelines you from participating in the future Purim festivities.
Then again, have you heard the music they blast at these events? Terrible! And no one wants to spend real money can afford a good sound system so all the crappy songs sounds crappier. So maybe you should get plastered early. I mean look at this guy in the video below. Everyone else is just lounging around, looking bored. But this guy… he’s a man who wants to party.
You should also take precaution and not drive or do anything illegal. I feel like I have to tell you this because some people are bad at listening. If you can’t avoid dancing into a table, there’s a great chance you can’t avoid driving into a telephone pole.
Another piece of advice: Make sure you’re sober enough to know who you’re dancing with. Even if there is mixed dancing, you reallllly don’t know if you’re with a guy or a girl. It’s happened to me. I think it happened to a guy in this video too…
You might be saying “well he has a beard!” Trust me. It doesn’t matter.
And while we are discussing bad decisions, please don’t drunk dial an ex. Not even your ex-Rabbi. It’s a terrible idea. When you leave your car keys with someone, please leave your cellphone. You just don’t want to be THAT guy.
To end on a more positive note. Keep calm. Have fun. Drink water. And don’t be the center of attention. Because maybe at one point in the night, you’re going to be filmed wearing a cheesehead shtreimel (around the 2:30 mark). Nobody will be proud of the video evidence that will follow you around, and will be seen by every future employer, forever.
Please remember you probably have work or school on Monday, so don’t go too wild. Or go wild and send me the video. I don’t care, I’m a blogger not a cop.
Huffington Post, the liberal version of a group of assholes yelling at each other for pageviews on the internet, had something to say about beers. In this case, that Vermont is produced the best beer in the country in 2012 – and all from one new brewery – Hill Farmstead. According to Ratebeers.com, Hill Farmstead takes 8 out of the top 10 rated beers. BOOM goes the dynamite!
In conclusion, you’re beer is weak and shitty, unless you’re living near me in Vermont. The fucking Sweden of America. And now the Bavaria of America.
It’s finally happened. Two forces of time consuming evil are joining together to destroy everyone’s precious under-employed free time. Beer is being crafted – and inspired by – television shows. Today we’re coupling beer with popular tv. Tomorrow we’re all drinking Fast and Furious energy drinks. In a decade we’ll be smoking Breaking Bad Meth in between hitting our women with bottles of Mad Men scotch.
It started with Game of Thrones beer. Innocent enough, when you ignore all the murder incest and rape that occurs throughout that show. They promised a series of beers inspired by Game of Thrones, beginning with a Blonde Ale called Iron Throne. Har har har. Will I drink it on the season 3 premiere, March 21st? If I can get my hands on it.
The bastards at HBO know their marketing.
‘Fine’, you might think. ‘One series of beers wont rule them all. Game of Thrones is a wonderful, relevant show and this is just a marketing campaign at its finest. We have nothing to worry about.’
Nothing to worry about?
What if I told you there was a Dayman coffee IPA that will be released later this year. Yes. Dayman from Always Sunny. In collaboration with Stone Brewery. And Aleman Brewery. And Two Brothers Brewery. And probably The Duckman’s home brewery but he hasn’t told me yet because he’s a dick and terrible at communicating and I’m always the last one to know everything.
But that’s only the beginning. TV shows from the past, present, future, along with artisan craft foods and alcohol will blend together into one big consumable, earth-destroying mind-numbing never-ending hors d’oeuvre. Did I just watch an episode of Beverly Hills 90210? Or did I just drink that episode? And was Mickey Rourke a wrestler on that episode? Was he a wrestler from the year 2099? And did he wrestle prehistoric Superman?
SEE? SEE WHAT THIS IMPISH INTERCOURSE IS DOING TO OUR SOCIETY?!?!
Maybe it’s the cold I’ve been fighting. Or the fact it’s Wednesday. But I have no interest in writing anything remotely related to the news. So instead, here is a commercial of me that has aired recently in northern Vermont! Better watch closely or you’ll miss me!
Fruit Loop Vodka: It’s what for breakfast. And snack. Maybe a late night treat, too.
As a young fresh-faced collegiate I once had a dream. It was a modest dream, but a dream that I believed would fuse two of my favorite foods into one delicious taste. I once hoped for beer that tastes like fruity pebbles, so that I could replace milk with beer every morning. And every evening. And maybe a lunch or two per week.
Ever wanted a drink that has the same delicious tastes of whiskey, but without the side effects of hair-growth, balls-descention, and feelings of euphora? Are you a devout Muslim Hipster? Or are you a date rapists and need a drink that smells like alcohol but wont get you drunk?
Well then ArKay, the alcohol-free whiskey flavored drink is right for you!
VP of Sales says: “This beverage is not intended to be medicine, but is a healthy alternative substitute to liquor and may we mention again: Hangover free.” //Laughing Squid
Which is definitely why people would choose this! For the lack of hangovers. Definitely not the date rape.
The second alcohol product is for the outdoorsy Hipsters. The ones who enjoy hiking a cool mountain trail near a large metropolitan town. The ones who grew up in small suburban/rural America. The ones who don’t mind sacrificing the taste of real microbrews, or PBRshitty, for something easily accessible in the mountains. Presenting: Waterless beer.
I’m making this up, but I bet Neil Armstrong drank this shit on the moon.
I have no idea if this will actually taste good, but I here a fifth of whiskey will get you just as drunk, and wont take up too much space in your pack. But what do I know? I was never a boy scout. I certainly never got kicked out of boyscout camp for possible alcohol consumption.
Oh Charles Bukowski. Our surrogate father, up in heaven, if only you had believed in heaven. And if only you weren’t a cretinous old man full of hate and wonder.
Remember that time your friends and you went out to that awesome warehouse rave/party? You wanted to dance but you only dance when you are REALLLY drunk, so you did a lot of binge drinking. Then you drank some more. And some more. Somehow you found your way home, but the next morning you were awaken by the most terrible hangover you’ve ever known. Dry mouth, a pulsating feeling in your brain. You spent the rest of the day in bed, drinking water, popping Tylenol just to stay alive.
My point is that you’re still a bitch. Bukowski would laugh at your hangovers, and then continue to drink his liver to death.