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How to eat a bagel

The Duckman —  06/25/2014 —  Comments

We’ve told you how we take our bagels in Who Wants A HJ, but we’ve never shown you this way to eat a bagel you’ve never tried before! Thank you Clickhole for being the best thing on the internet.

Check this out.

Yes, that is a city bus sporting a PBR full sleeve. Look closer and you’ll see that it went all out and is showing off the tallboy, every hipster’s 16oz weapon of choice for any situation. Viewing party? Tallboy. Alleyway loitering? Tallboy sixpack. House party? Tallboy 24pack. Littering? Empty tallboy can. Taking the bus? Brownbagged tallboy. Shower beer? Two tallboys and a one hitter. Taking the bus that’s advertising tallboys? Use your common sense, cmon. Tallboys all day.

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!

Mila Kunis is the new face of Jim Beam. What does that mean? Well it all depends on your feelings for Jim Beam. For me, it will always be part of the Philly special. $3 for a shot of Jim Beam and a PBR. Each one’s bad taste counteracts each other and becomes something tolerable. Soon enough you’re drunk, crying on the floor of the bathroom, wondering why no one liked your creative ideas in class.

It’s like that dark era of my life now has Mila Kunis as a spokesperson… Cool…

Damn you dirty rotten apes! You disgruntled, bearded hipsters. You don’t use razors any more, like real men who care about being clean shaven like it’s 1954. All you care about is looking manly while being lazy. You may have a beard, or a mustache with some growth around it, or just a 5 o’clock shadow like you’re some sort of Don Draper wannabe. Even if you do push your way out of your PBR-mountain man-cave to make yourself look mildly presentable, you just use your Norelco electric razor. Because it’s 2014, and you’re a MAN.

What matters is that you’re ruining some shitty men’s hygiene corporations. quit doing that!

“While the incidence of facial shaving is somewhat down, the incidence of body shaving is up, and we can take advantage of that and plan to do that as well.”

Well done, ya dirty weirdos! Now we all have to buy pube shavers…unless you’re 50 years old or living under a rock and already keep that shit under control.

//Gawker

Okay, look. This is getting ridiculous. Everybody knows that the hipster beer forever and ever, amen is PBR. You can show up to a bar in a suit or a football jersey, but order a PBR and you’ll still be called a hipster. And it’s always by some guy that’s way too drunk and/or a few years behind the times that will yell it out, like he thought up the gem all by himself: “A PBR?? HAHA? What are ya?! Some kinda hipster?” It’s just one of those markers that will get you pegged, every time. It’s like getting caught walking out of an American Apparel, or buying a pack of Parliaments. Drinking PBR = hipster. It’s almost a universal constant.

So, why would anyone try this?

 

Futile

Futile

It’s a pale ale, but I had to look up the brewery on the internet to even get that much info. The packaging does nothing for the beer, and it’s just overall not really appealing. If I hadn’t been looking at every beer in the place, I would have skipped right over it. It doesn’t look hipster at all. If you’re going to name it after hipsters, go all out. At least put a mustache or a fixie on the can or something.

The one thing this beer has going for it is that it’s part of a company’s line of products that is pretty large, meaning they probably just shit out a pale ale for the fun of it, named it hipster for a laugh, and forgot all about it. And since hipsters try extremely hard to look like they don’t care, it almost works in a meta kind of way. I’m sort of doing contortions trying to get this to make sense to me, and I think that’s the closest I’ll get.

I ended up buying PBR anyway, because, well, you know.

kosher-kush

Marijuana is now legal in the state of Colorado. What will all of our Rabbis do to keep the young, impressionable, Jewish-Sunday schoolers from smoking the reefer? Or will Rabbis bow to pressure and start smoking with young adults? (I’m looking at you, Chabad – it may to time to move past vodka shots.)

Let’s not kid ourselves, Jews love smoking. Whether it’s because synagogue is so boring (A Serious Man) or because what else are you supposed to do on all those Jewish youth retreats/sleep-away camps after you’ve hooked up with everyone there, weed will be a part of Judaism.

And if you need a strain of weed that promotes Judaism without compromising, may I suggest some Kosher Kush?

Any Colorado readers out there want to share some stories with us? Anonymous or otherwise? Is your Temple looking to sell weed to make some easy money? We’d love to feature your story here!

alcohol

5) PBR
The hipster classic. Easy to drink and easy to be “the founder of the feast” by bringing a lot. Loses points for its low ABV, so you have to combine it with shots, or drink a hell of a lot and get that “all of my bodily fluids are beer right now” type of drunk.

4) Evan Williams

Those of us with trust funds might be tempted to get Knob Creek or Woodford Reserve, but when you’re pouring out communal shots for the whole party at midnight, you want more not better. Plus, this way you get to see who’s experiences with shooting whiskey and who’s a baby that will make entertaining faces and complain about how bad it tastes for at least ten minutes afterward. Bonus if they puke.

3) Rum & Coke

Party staple, though maybe a little corporate for using a name brand. Also has the tendency of starting out at the beginning of the night being a respectable ratio of Coke to booze, and at the end being a hellbrew of mostly rum with a dash of soda. Drink at your own risk.

2) Champagne

The one set time of year where it’s acceptable to drink the stuff, unless you’re a rapper. Resolve to make up more excuses to drink this during the upcoming year. Save a bottle or two for the next morning so that you can make mimosas, in case you’re a weakling that gets hangovers.

1) Microbrew

The ultimate in cred. Get one high in ABV so that you don’t have to drink an entire case just to keep up with the rest of the party. Pick up a gluten free pack in case you’ve got a friend with an allergy, or want to impress the hot chick on the fad diet across the room. Or if you plan ahead, go to a microbrewery outside of your local area the day before the party so that you can buy a beer that no one has ever heard of, ensuring your status as Drunken Master of Hipsters.

coffee_milk_beer

I saw this and got so excited. There’s only a couple coffee milk companies in the world (probably factual), and they’re all owned by one giant company (40% accurate). I remember the day in Middle School when I realized you could order coffee milk for lunch. Everyone else ordered Chocolate or Plain like some mindless 12 year old assholes. I knew what was important, I knew what mattered – an obsession, unhealthy dependency on liquid coffee substances.

Here I am, 12 years later, with a large bottle of coffee milk syrup in my cabinet. And now, I can get myself the beer version – besides for Kahlua (which is, for all purposes, adult coffee milk) – and can drink what I can only imagine will be a delicious milk coffee stout for the rest of my short, barbaric, ironic life.

My New Years resolution is to swim in a tub of this stuff.

Long Island bakery and largest knish distributor Gabila’s Knishes suffered from a mechanical fire and have not been able to produce knishes. This means that there will be a knish shortage on Hanukkah and possibly longer. If I learned anything from Hostess after they discontinued twinkies, buy as many as knishes as you can! Put them in the freezer! Sell them on ebay! Local bakeries will not be able to keep up with the demand for generic knishes.

This is it you guys. This is the apocalypse. It’s too late to learn how to make your own knishes. We’re all screwed.

UPDATE The factory owners have promised that we will have knishes before Thanksgivukkah, but that might be too little too late! Also, their website says they won’t have knishes until MID DECEMBER. So either way, it’s going to be awhile before we get knishes back. The Knish plague has already spread across the country. It’s only a matter of days before we all turn into the walking undead muttering *kniiiiisshhhh* *kniiiisssshhh* as we pass by our favorite bakeries.

UPDATE 2 As predicted, Knishes are now up for sale on EBay.