Hipster Jew » Technology

Sharks with Frickin’ Laser Beams

Schlitz Lipz — Fri, 18 May 2012 19:22:35 +0000

In a complete and total waste of time, a company called Wicked Lasers has finally made Dr. Evil’s dream come true. No sea bass this time, sharks it is!

These money-wasting d-bags (no offense guys, I mean it lovingly) promised to attach laser beams to shark heads if they got what they considered was “enough” likes on Facebook. When they were satisfied with their “likes” they put a 50-milliwatt green laser on a lemon shark. I don’t know what a lemon shark is, but I assume it’s a yellow shark. And that must look really cool.

I’ve been wrong before.

The laser couldn’t even kill someone. It was just a facade. A ruse. A fake, a phony, and whatnots. It couldn’t cause damage to sea life or life in the real world. WTF.

I’m disappointed in you money wasters. Bring me a laser that can actually murder my nemesis and then we’ll talk.

Shark week = Passé

Jezebel Discusses Vibrators, Schlitz Blushes Profusely

Schlitz Lipz — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:44:09 +0000

Repressed ladies, HEAR MY PLEA!

Some promiscuous man (one who probably gets colonics and lives in Noo York City) is trying to make vibrators and sexual discussion commonplace.

We. Can’t. Let. This. Happen.

Ever.

Ethan “Sodom and Gomorrah” Imboden argues that the sex industry is full of shoddily-made materials because it is still considered taboo to purchase something that provides sexual pleasure. Mr. Imboden is right. It is taboo. And rightfully so! Generations of women in my family haven’t openly talked about their snatches and they all managed to live a very full life: Full of milking dairy cows and whatever else people did back in the dizzay.

A simpler time.

I don’t want to talk about my down-theres “with a straight face”.

I don’t want other people to talk about them.

Repression 2012! Let’s go ladies!

Magic: It’s a Black Thing (or the artist previously known as “I’m not racist”)

Schlitz Lipz — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 19:04:03 +0000

Angels are singing on high with a beautiful chorus of harmonious song. The lion is laying with the lamb, and wolves are playing rigorous games of chess with bunnies. It’s a good day.

It’s a good day because I have finally accomplished the single greatest achievement of my life. I am, at last, a magical black man, which is totally something I’ve always wanted and not some sort of bizarre attempt at humor.

How have I become this harbinger of magic and African American-ness?

Let me tell you a little story, readers.

Once upon a time, a magical black man named the-character-Morgan-Freeman-played-in-The-Dark-Knight, floated around the world, bestowing super advanced technology upon Batman. He knew Batman’s secret identity, but shared it with no one. A talented inventor, and good at keeping secrets. Magical.

I have come across a situation where I am JUST LIKE Morgan Freeman’s character in the Dark Knight.

This is pretty much me.

I’ve found a superhero. Or at the very least, a super blogger. Or at the very least we’ll just say I’ve found a blog. I may or may not know her identity. You’ll never know, because it’s a secret.

She…or he…or it…uses tumblr for his/her/its blogging use. Which is kind of lame. But let’s not hold it against Miranda…I mean…that’s not her/his name.

My Christian Bale is great. We hang out. We write blogs. Its cool. Jeremy’s…I mean…that’s not it’s name….writes stuff that really speaks to me because the items Bobo mocks reminds me of every film class I’ve ever taken. Ever.

Other film kids, you’ll get this. You’ll get this, you’ll watch the shitty films posted on the blog, and you’ll giggle at the jokes Roger makes about them. It will be a good time.

And so we shall all rejoice. I have finally achieved my dream and you get to waste your entire night watching (and mocking) mediocre student films. It’s going to be a good year for us all.

Thanks Bale. Long live our friendship aka parody of the relationship between Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman’s characters in the Dark Knight. It’s been real.

Myspace Come Up With Brilliance– 7 Years Too Late

IronyOnRye — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 18:32:41 +0000

So there’s a new feature on Myspace which lets anyone create and DJ their own radio station. It’s a fantastic idea. This is something I’ve wanted to do since forever– anyone into music more than your average person has dreamed about having their own radio station at least once. And it goes with the theme of bands using Myspace to communicate with fans and labels, and with the feature that let people put a “theme song” onto their profile page. So, why didn’t anyone at Myspace connect the dots earlier?

Well, maybe if they had been smart enough to do that, they also would have been smart enough to prevent Facebook from stealing 99.99% of their user base… (cue the X-Files theme music) and we’d be living in an alternate universe where Myspace remained the dominant social network. Scary…

However, no one did connect the dots, so this feature is launching in 2012, not 2005. In a world where there already exists Spotify, Last.fm, Pandora (internet radio based on user-generated musical algorithms), mumuplayer, Reddit Radio, stickam and IRC modded chat (programs or websites specifically allowing the user to DJ a radio station for everyone else present). So… why is Myspace bothering with this? Even if they manage to create an interface or experience better than all of the alternatives, still no one will use it because it’s based on fucking Myspace. Maybe they should put the damn thing out of its misery, like Old Yeller.

Or maybe not. Then I wouldn’t have Myspace (and Rupert Murdoch’s ill advised purchase of Myspace) to kick around like a piece of dirt anymore every time I need a cheap laugh.

This article might get Myspace Radio taken off the air before it even gets there.

I have an iPhone and I finally understand what the fuss was ‘all about’

Chicky — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 21:00:08 +0000

Finally! I am a 20th century man living in a 20th century world. I am free to jailbreak my iPhone and download all these apps I’ve been reading about in the NYTimes. Like there’s this ‘Angry Bird’ game which is wicked fun. Get this — I’m a bird, who kills pigs. PIGS! It’s like God has asked me to do his Kosher bidding.

And now I can use my Twitter regularly and The Duckman will stop calling me a ‘technologically out of touch hack”. I’ll reach atleast 100 twitter friends. And then they’ll see who is laughing. Oh they’ll see all right.

I can organize my life with my phone. For example, I opened up my ‘notes’ today and wrote down “I have an iPhone and I am finally not a loser”. And then I slightly modified the title to what it is now.

Sure, it may be a 3GS phone. But a 3GS phone is better than a piece of shit flip-phone circa 2005. UGHHH How did I ever have friends before this?!?!?!

Oh, and I instragramed a picture of myself that looks like it was taken for Myspace. If Myspace was invented in 1886! Sha-Zah!

A Few Thoughts on “Skyrim”

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:00:03 +0000

I know that videogames and Jewishness don’t exactly mix. In fact, one of my first articles was about just that. I don’t why this is. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to bring you some commentary on the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Originally, I was going to write up a little bit of a review, but that is a) already pretty much done to death by everyone else, and b) boring. So instead, I thought I’d do something else to show you the incredible death and variety available in Skyrim, a game where you can do everything from fight dragons to pick flowers.

Over at Cracked.com, Robert Brockway has a pretty funny overview of Skryim‘s freedoms. One of the things he contends is that, because the game doesn’t tell you when to do what, it can leave you stranded without an objective. But I’d argue that, if you set your own objective, this is when the game hits its stride. So, what I’ve got below is my thought-log as I play a small section the game. Normally, this might be called a “Let’s Play” and involve a youtube video I narrated as I played the game, but you don’t have two hours to blow watching as I play through a game. So I’ve just typed what I was thinking.

Before I start, I want to explain a couple of things. Firstly, this wasn’t even an explicit quest by the game. This is part of a goal I set for myself. Second, all that goal was was that I wanted to mine a very specific type of ore to make a very specific type of armor so I could fight things on quests better. Thanks to the Internet, I learned that there was a small community of orcs who had a mine rich in the stuff. So I wanted to go to that mine. This is what happened:

Fast-travel to the nearest city.
Walk towards where I think the orcs are.
These miners say one of the mines is overrun with bad guys. They want me to clear it out. Well, fuck that noise.
I can never tell if I’m heading where I should be on these roads. I wish the middle ages had had better signage.
A “pit wolf” is attacking me? What the hell is a pit wolf?
Whatever it is, its dead now. Alex – 1, woodland creatures – 0
Hey, a dead guy!
Oh, it was his pit wolf…
Whatevs, I can see the orc stronghold from here. See you round, dead guy!
The orcs won’t let me in because I’m not an orc. (Almost everyone in this game is racist)
Oh, they say I can get in if I bring them an item.
Fast travel to the nearest location I’ve discovered.
Oh, an abandoned tower. I should explore–no, no…I need to stay on task.
Ooooo…lavender. I can put you in soup. Or a potion. *pick*
I wonder if I can jump down this sheer cliff. It’d save me a lot of time.
No. No, I cannot. And now I’m trapped halfway down.
Fast travel to abandoned tower.
I’ll go a different way.
Cave bear! Eat mace (the crushing one, not the thing you spray on OWS protesters), Cave bear! Alex – 2, woodland creatures – 0
I could jump down the cliff from here.
Phew, that worked.
Hey, another tower. I should explore…
Badguys! With arrows! Run!
Run! Run! Oooo…mountain flowers…*pick*…Run! Run!
Note to self: after I get that armor, come back to that tower and kill all of those assholes.
Hey, I can see the place the orcs wanted me to go. It’s a dungeon. I suppose I should go in.
Look, it’s another adventurer surrounded by a bunch of dead huge spiders. What’s up dude? Orcs being racist to you to0? What? You’re leaving? You can’t handle a little giant magic spiders?
What a pussy.
Logic puzzle involving pulling a bunch of levers that open a series of bars. I need to get them all open at the same time. I hate this shit. I’m just gonna pull levers at random until it works. There’s only four. That means there’s only, like…let’s do some math here…24 combinations. Fuck.
Well, that didn’t take long.
Wow, there’s a lot of spiders in here. A lot of now dead spiders (Alex – 10, woodland creatures – 0)
Hey, is this guy is talking to himself? He doesn’t know I’m here. It sounds like he’s experimenting on the spiders. I’ll go ask him.
Whoops, he’s hostile. Eat mace, weirdo!
I should loot his corpse, you know, just in case.
He was talking to spiders, not himself. I don’t know if that makes him more or less crazy. Well, I kill these spiders, too (Alex – 13, woodland creatures – 0)
Hey, he had the doohicky the orcs wanted. Finished that. Now how to get out of here…I’ll go this way.
Whoops! Even bigger magic giant spiders!
Haha, stupid spiders can’t get through the door. I’ll just shoot them with arrows from here. Alex – 15, woodland creatures – 0. When does the mercy rule kick in?
Okay, I’m out. Fast travel to orc stronghold. No one’s guarding the door. I guess I’ll just walk in and talk to the chief.
I know I’m not supposed to be here, orc lady. I’m trying to talk to the chief so he’ll let me be here. Please shut up.
Hey, chief, I got–who’s screaming like that? It sounds like a cougar, but bigger.
Shit! Dragon! Run, everyone!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Fire! Where’s my bow? I’m gonna kill this thing.
Haha! Die you stupid flying fire lizard!
Oh boy, the chief caught on fire just as we killed the dragon. I hope he’s alright…no. He’s dead. I failed the quest.
Reload the most recent save (right before I entered the stronghold)
I’m not sure the dragon will appear again. It’s a random event. Just in case, I’ll do this all really fast. Open door, shut up lady, hey, chief–damn! Dragon!
Goddammit, chief. You’re dead again. Why are you so goddamn flammable? Reload save.
Okay, this time it’s just me and you, dragon. Man to ma–dragon.
Alex – a gazillion, woodland creatures (including dragon) – 0!
Okay, now I’ll go talk to the chief. SHUT UP, LADY. Hey, chief, found your shit. Weirdo with some spiders had it. I never learned what exactly he was up to. He’s dead now.
Sweet, I’m now allowed into orc places. That’s cool. They just told me where the others are. I wanna go check them out!
Fast travel!

So, even though I didn’t get my armor (eventually, I did remember why I’d wanted to join the orc society and then I got my armor. And then I went back to that tower with the assholes in it…) I still managed to have a ton of fun, including fighting a dragon–which, by the way, is a completely unscripted event for the “find thing for orcs” quest. So, yeah, Skryim. Not much more to say then “hell yeah!”

My dad is totally going to get this new shitty phone service

Chicky — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:30:18 +0000

My dad refuses to buy me an iPhone. #whitepeopleproblems
My dad refuses to buy me a data plan. #firstworldproblems
My dad once considered changing our service from T-Mobile to even shittier Boost Mobile. #WTFthisaintno3rdworldshit

And then I read about this even shittier phone service. Shittier than T-mobile. Worse than Lo-jack. A little better than prepaid Walmart cell phones. Ugh.

With a $19/month price tag, the tech-blogger masses have decided that this phone will be the one to lure cell phone users away from overpriced Verizon and AT&T contracts. “This really could be disruptive, and while I think it might take some time to pick up steam, the $20 monthly price point has a very broad appeal,” writes TechCrunch’s Jason Kincaid.

The phone really is as cheap as it sounds. It is $19 a month for everything (not including a $199 phone). Republic Wireless only has one cellular option, The LG Optimus, running Android 2.3 (Gingerbread), which, Kincaid assures, is a “solid low-end device.” (Pic and quote from Atlantic Wire)

Suddenly, a moderately priced cell plan with unlimited texting, no data, decent (if not sometimes spotty) coverage, and a flip phone doesn’t sound TOO bad. Man I need to grow up like the Duckman and pay $120 a month already.

Wanna lose weight the Jonah Hill way? Play Modern Warfare 3.

Chicky — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:00:35 +0000

This seems…confusing. Jews don’t go to war. We’re the ones behind the scenes funding it, profiting from it. But Jews do love simulated war. There are so many Jewish bros out there who love Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and the Battlefield franchises. And Jonah Hill’s stoner appeal, slimmed good lucks (possible JILF material?), and penis jokes totally appeal to the bro crowd. I haven’t played the new Battlefield 3, but I know for a fact that Modern Warfare has their advertising game on lockdown. Now if only they’d throw in some Natty…

NYTimes Breaks Story on “Running”

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:30:49 +0000

In what I can only describe as the sheer cutting-edge of newsmaking, the New York Times has a story about a form of movement previously unknown to man as “running.” This new movement, which promises to be at least twice as fast as walking and shares a number of similar muscle movements, only sped up some, could revolutionize how people escape from axe-murders, catch a bus, or move out of the way of quickly-moving objects. To top it off, the Times included a convenient “how-to” guide so that you can practice running from the comfort of your own home (or, if you’re reading the Times on their ridiculously overpriced smart phone subscription plan, on the go)!

Now, obviously, what with six steps to running, this is five steps more complicated than walking, which has only one step (Step 1: walk), which could hurt its chances of becoming our default mode of movement, as Americans are a) fat, and thus produce more drag than other, more starved, human beings, and b) lazy.

Of course, it could all end in tears as I’ve heard rumors of a new form of travel that’s even faster than running and allows you to do it while sitting down and staying indoors…it’s called “driving.”

Buy me this Vinyl-playing bike; I need to be the Hipster King

Chicky — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 19:00:36 +0000

If this isn’t the fixie throne fit for a Hipster King, then I don’t want to continue wearing skinny jeans. Either way, if anyone has the incredibly rare Pavement’s 1989 record Slay Tracks: 1933-1969, I will buy it off them in hopes of leveraging it for this bike. Then I will precede to play my Talking Head’s Stop Making Sense via wheel-player, as I ensure that this bike’s wheels continue to move at a steady 33 RPM, in order to receive the true David Byrne experience.

WIN

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Picture via Flavorwire