Archives For World

Too many of ye out there are worried about your “freedom of speech” and your “right to bear arms” (like to eat? I just don’t get the obsession with bear arms, like WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THEM?) What you should really be concerned about is your right to whip your hair back and forth.

The Interwebbers have been all up on their high horses because there’s this monster rumor going around that Kim Jong-un is making the lads of North Korea rock the same Macklemore ‘do he currently flaunts… on his evenings out with Dennis Rodman.

Dear G-d. What is the world coming to?

Kim Jong-un Apparently a world where this hairstyle is accepted as attractive

Luckily, this whole thing is just a rumor loosely based in facts. And Kim Jong-un isn’t besties with Obama (yet) so it’s not likely we will all have to shave our heads and dye them salt and pepper in solidarity with our Commander-in-Chief.  Unless we really want too. Because that’s our right as Americans, DAMNIT!.

It turns out, long hair for men is frowned upon by the North Korean government because it “stifles intellectual development” and “consumes a great deal of nutrition” . In the past there have a regulated 28 hairstyles (14 for men, 14 for women) that residents are obligated to have.

I almost wish our society was as great as that of Admirable and Powerful North Korea. Since they have time to coordinate everybody’s hair they must have sorted out issues like hunger and homelessness. Great job,  Brave and Benevolent Leader, Kim Jong-un!

 

 

In a recent article in the New York Times (you know that newspaper with the great wealth of knowledge about hipsterdom) expatriate and author Thomas Chatterton Williams went on a rant about how hipsters are ruining Paris with their evil gentrifying way. Like black people know anything about gentrification. As if.

Williams lives in a neighborhood in the northern edge of the Ninth Arrondissement which used to be cool when he moved in. You know before everyone else came and made it mainstream. 

It was crusty when Williams moved in. There were brothels chock full of prostitutes. And sketchy Asian massage parlors. And pharmacies which for some reason are seen as old world to Thomas Chatterton Williams.

<SoPiThe world used to be black and white. Then the hipsters came.

Now, the former la Nouvelle-Athènes is called South Pigalle or SoPi (like Soho GET IT?). Instead of the smell of cigarette smoke and sex, the smell of brunch pervades the air. Instead of the bar à hôtesses there’s fancy cocktail bars that have drinks with silly names that I wouldn’t be able to afford. It’s tragic.

If white people can’t ruin everything by trying to convert poor indigenous people to Christianity or dividing up  tribes into countries that don’t make sense, they’re going to make cities boring and homogenized.

Stupid white people.

Stupid hipsters.

I hate us.

 

 

 

 

 

This Vice interview may be the most amazing interview I’ve ever read. This person shouldn’t exist. Logically, it’s like being a gay illegal immigrant unicorn who votes Republican. It doesn’t make sense. Yet in Russia there are ton of these crazy assholes. And their Nazi insignia has penises. Lots of gross penises. But it’s okay, because Hitler totally loved the gays.

gay_russian_neo_nazi

 

Some of the best parts of the interview:

Wow, OK. What’s your opinion of homophobic Nazi skinheads?
Not all heterosexual nationalists are homophobes; they are often latent homosexuals, actually. We fight nationalist homophobes in the same way that we fight against any other homophobes. They’re nothing special to us.

OK, so what qualities are they on a sexuality level?
Our sexual life generally consists of BDSM, especially sadomasochism. Our brothers aren’t engaged in tenderness on silk sheets—we commit truly manly acts.

How do you respond to people who say that homosexuality and Nazism aren’t exactly bedfellows?
Our sexual orientation isn’t a barrier to being nationalists. The spirit of nationalism can be present in any of us irrespective of this. In Russia, the rights of gays are hugely restricted, and we can’t sit back quietly when a person is killed just because he’s gay. Many people from the Caucasus [a region at the border of Europe and Asia] furiously oppose gays. Someone has to reject the pressure that they exert by real brute force.

 

READ MORE @ VICE

NME, that magazine that for whatever reason had cultural relevance, is here with Phoenix to teach the ladies of Haim how to speak French. This is stupid, unless Phoenix and Haim are in a 5-some. The best way to learn French is to date some skeevy French dude who your parents hate. Also, he’s very anti-Israel and possible anti-Semitic. The type of person where you make self hating Jew jokes and you’re not quite sure he’s agreeing ironically.

Either way, Haim is playing the Leeds festival bc they are fucking huge and btw we are Twitter bfffs.

//Stereogum

This guest post was written by a Polish Hipster Jew, Daniel Slomka.

Hey, hipster Jew, saving money for that dreamy trip to Israel? Forget it! Sharpen your Yiddish and come to the real, underground and undiscovered Jewish hipster capital of the world- Warsaw.

Jewish hipsters in Warsaw are growing in numbers, and it will be quite easy to find one to guide you through the ultimate Jewish experience (far better than the western wall, trust me). Start by looking for them at the Museum of History of Polish Jews. The museum opened its doors to the public in April, and thousands of people lined up to see it. The catch? There was nothing to see. It sounds like a joke, but people literally lined up to see an empty museum- it doesn’t get more avant-garde than this. Of course, don’t look for your new pal standing in line- a true hipster Jew for sure works in the museum, or knows someone who works, or at least did there a non-paid internship and still has some contacts, so he can get in from the back door.

warsaw_jews

Meet the Jew in Warsaw (from the FB page of the All-Polish Jewish Youth Organization)

During your conversation on your way out don’t forget to mention the last Hebrew course that you took, how much you’d like to go for a party at the Mojsze house (the temple of Varsovian hipster Jews), and how fascinating you find the revival of Jewish life in the same streets that once were the central of global Jewish life. Gain extra points by making a direct cultural connection between today’s hipster Jews in Warsaw and the Jewish cultural elite in Warsaw in the 1920’s, or by showing interest in reading your new friend’s article that is just about to be published in “Midrasz”. Both will be perceived as very much flattering. Do not, however, ask your local guide what is his actual level of Jewishness. Who died and made you Rabbi, anyway?!

Krakow_jews

This picture was actually taken in Krakow

You can close the evening with your new buddies at the “Tel Aviv” restaurant, over a plate of hummus, discussing the recent film “Pokłosie” and answering the million zlotys question- are Poles anti-Semitic? That’s right, feel free to speak up, here you don’t have to apologize for being socially privileged, and it feels great.

Thanks to Forbes, I now have all I need for success in my future.

Awesome job, Forbes. You’re great.

Forbes Israel recently posted a list ranking all of the billionaire Jews in the land of which there are 165. All the white olds, young social media tycoons,  and oil robber barons are all at the mercy of internet. And…my gold-digging fingertips.

Why try to get a productive job in the arts (because everyone swears that’s actually a thing) when I can instead use my lady charms and catch me a billionaire? Settle down, raise some bastard children with a pool boy daddy, get all sorts of plastic surgery…this could be the life. My life.

Trophy Wife

I want to sit poolside and eat coconut bonbons allllll day.

Now, I can stop working on the Trophy Wife Spreadsheet I have been compiling and just use Forbes more accurate one. I’m going to start at the bottom of the list with Charles Zeiger (165) and then go up, because I’m not greedy, just ambitious.

 

Shoutout to the lady billionaire who I won’t be seducing: Shari Arison (49), Christina Green (41), Lynn Schusterman (61), Karen Pritzker (66), Joan Tisch (75), Doris Fisher (76), Anita Zucker (82),  Alyssa Koplowicz (83), Jean Pritzker (106), Wilma Tisch (139), Lily Safra (152), Dorathea Steinberoc (154), and Sara Blakely (159). Mazel tov on your lady success!

 

 

kim_jong_il

When I first heard the list of American cities that North Korea was planning to nuke, one of these cities did not go with the others. D.C., Hawaii, LA and …Austin Texas? Hawaii has historical significance, D.C. makes sense, and LA…well those fucking Hollywood Jews. But Austin? It’s a city with a population of 800,000 – definitely not a small city, but if you’re looking to fuck the largest amount of people in Texas, you’re best bet is to hit Houston, San Antonio, or Dallas. Maybe there’s another reason Kim Jong Un is looking to nuke Austin. Hipsters.

‘Hipsters’, you say? ‘What did they ever do?’ Well they had an event at the Alamo Drafthouse to promote the new Red Dawn movie. And then things got uncomfortable and made North Korea very very angry.

Asian eyes? Dressing up a Kim Jong-il to be ironic? Or more importantly, did North Korea find it so distasteful to like a mediocre reboot of a mediocre (but delightfully so!) 80s movie. Kim Jong get’s Hulu and Netflix. He’s not impressed, Austin, and he’s coming for blood.*

*It’s definitely not because Austin is .7% Korean. If only North Korea was that crazy.

In the 1500s, during the Spanish Inquisition,  the inquisitors used to throw giant carnivals where they would go through the crows offering some tasty form of pork. If you didn’t accept the pork you were labeled as a Jewish or Muslim (too bad for you if you just weren’t hungry)  and were carted off to the torture chambers.  There, you were supposed to  start doing the Catholic thing or die. Or be eaten by vampires, which is what happens in True Blood.

These days, Spain is offering something else to Jews: citizenship. A return to good old mother Spain for those Sephardim who were expelled during the Inquisition.  Take that King Ferdinand!

King FerdiandDickhead.

Interestingly enough, back in the dizz-ay when the Jews were getting kicked out, the Turkish sultan was like “Yo, Ferdy, thanks for the acquisition of Jooz and the economic boost that comes with it.” And it happened; Spain’s economy fell apart while Turkey’s was enriched.   These days, Modern-day Spain with it’s failing economy decided it was time to get that money booster back.

Jews being useful. For money. It’s like our people are made to be the punchline in moderately offensive jokes that it’s only OK when we say.

For your viewing pleasure:

mel_brooks-hitler

Oh India. Full of your crazy Indian goodness. What would we do without you? More importantly, what would your minor politicians do without Adolf Hitler?
In some countries, there are laws that require you name your kid something that isn’t entirely fucking stupid. In India it’s all fair game.

Adolf Hitler is running for election in India. So is Frankenstein. Among the 345 contestants running for the state assembly are Frankenstein Momin, Billykid Sangma, Field Marshal Mawphniang and Romeo Rani. Some, like Kenedy Marak, Kennedy Cornelius Khyriem and Jhim Carter Sangma, are clearly hoping for the electoral success of their namesake American presidents.

I’m sorry, but India can not be a legitimate country. India has to be some bizarro would that an American invented, possibly The Onion, to make a ‘LOL’ at our expense. I mean there’s no way a country of a billion people is filled with that many assholes with that many asshole sounding names, right?

Then there is Hitler.

Okay…I’m listening.

This 54-year-old father of three has won three elections to the state assembly with little controversy over being named after the Nazi dictator.

His father had worked with the British army, but apparently developed enough of a fascination with Great Britain’s archenemy to name his son Adolf Hitler — though he also gave him the middle name Lu, Hitler said.

Yeah, back in my day, the year 2000, we wouldn’t call that a ‘fascination’ with an ‘archenemy’. We’d call that an unsympathetic dickhead. If it was America, I’d call him a Klu Klax Klan member, but I don’t think that would apply in this situation.

“I am aware at one point of time Adolf Hitler was the most hated person on Earth for the genocide of the Jews. But my father added ‘Lu’ in between, naming me Adolf Lu Hitler, and that’s why I am different,” Hitler told The Associated Press from the small village of Mansingre, 200 kilometers (125 miles) west of Gauhati, the capital of the nearby state of Assam.

Ooooh! Okay. I didn’t realize your father was a practical dick, so he gave you a middle name. This changes everything!

Hitler said his name has not stopped him from traveling the world, including to the United States and Germany. “I never had problems obtaining a visa but I was asked many times during immigration as to why I should have such a name. I told the immigration staff I possibly didn’t have a role in my naming,” he said.

Weird. In most countries you have the ability to change you name when your asshole parents name you something stupid and asshole-y. But the apple always sticks with the name the tree gave him, right?

Either way, thanks India! Your inability to keep up on Western history suddenly makes me feel okay for knowing very little – actually pretty much nothing – about your country.

//Associated Press

Ok.

Seriously now.

Could this please stop happening?

When I’m eating a form of meat, I expect to actually be eating the form of meat I think I’m eating. I don’t want to be eating some four-legged horsey baby when I think I’m eating a doe-eyed cow baby.  Or a lil big-earred donkey when I think I’m eating a fluffy, clucky chicken.

There’s this growing trend in crappy places to eat across the world of replacing the meat you think you’re chowing down on with some farm animal that usually pulls things in a cart.

Hey cute baby donkey, you’re next

In Tesco shops in the United Kingdom it was discovered that their burgers had traces of Irish horse meat. Did Mad Cow Disease have no effect on you, Europe? Rethink yourself.

In South Africa, more than two thirds of meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients like water buffalo, donkey, and goat.  Come on now, South Africa  That’s distasteful.

Is Adonai teaching us a lesson about kashrut? Is every vegan/vegetarian person you know rubbing this in?

I just want meat to be meat again. heheh that’s what she said