Archives For Hollywood/LA

Finally Uncle Woody gives us some media to distract us from his baby raping!

Thank G-d, ya know. I couldn’t deal with a pedo-Woody  every morning when I went to worship at my closet Uncle Woody shrine. It’s not weird. Every member of the HJ writing staff has a Woody shrine hidden away. Chicky has it tattooed on his arm. Who knew you could tattoo a shrine on your arm?

Mr. Allen, who has never frequented an actual Academy Awards Ceremony (you know because he’s neurotic and beautiful) has made an open statement to Hollywood that casting directors need an award in the Academy Awards. Just like a Jew. Not actually taking part in something but still giving advice. Christ, I love the man.

And you know what, I gotta agree with him. I interned at a casting director office in my quest to be a WORLDFAMOUSDIRECTOR and that crap isn’t easy. Actors are the worst people on earth. Finding talent that isn’t also too selfish to work with people is tough and of great consequence to the working vibe of a film. Oh and actors are all terrible people.

In conclusion, keep on keeping Uncle Woody. <3 you 4eva

Oh and this video is also funny. Woody Allen still thinks people make love. Oh Woody, you naive fool.

 

 

Woody Allen has recently given a spiel on Israel, and religion, and anti-semitism. I read the lines he was quoted in with his sweet lil neurotic voice, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Woody-Allen-as-Rabbi

Viva Uncle Woody.

I mean like unless he’s a child a rapist and therefore a bad person like the internet believes. But even then…I just can’t quit you Woody Allen.

whyisthishappening

Schlitz Lipz —  10/07/2013 —  Comments

I don’t want Hipster Jew to write this post. I don’t want us to be giving Miley Cyrus anymore freaking publicity or attention. But I mean let’s be honest, everyone’s going to want to read something we write about the former Ms. Montana and I’m DESPERATE for your love and approval. Hey, my dog gets more catcalls from males than I do.  Give a bitch something. (heheh get it? cos dogs are bitches?)

Anyway, we at Ye Olde Jew of the Hipster stumbled across Miley Cyrus’s website. Let me give you a brief explanation of what went down when it was discovered:

The DuckmanMIley Cyrus’s website is amazing http://mileycyrus.com/

Schlitz Lipz: I’m on it. Is this her real website? Dear god.

The Duckman: so good

This is how the magic happens, people.

I’m over Miley Cyrus. I’m so over her. I’m tired of her acting like she’s in control of her destiny and isn’t getting whored out by the industry. I’m tired of her tonguing sledgehammers and twerking in front of the watchful eyes of my impressionable baby niece.  And if I have to hear one more  Philly hipster CUNextTuesday claim Miley stole her style, you know the one she picked up on South Street (scoff, giggle, scoff), I’m going to vomit in said Philly hipster’s lap.

The former Hannah Montana’s website makes me feel a little bit like I’m going to have a seizure brought on by over-stimuli.  It’s childish look is basically screaming, “Come here idiot 12-year-olds, it’s time to learn how to objectify yourself for men! Oh and here’s some teddy bears, aren’t they cute?”  It’s amazing how it can look so last-minute-thrown-together but in actuality probably costs more than 5 Hipster Jews to keep up.

Hannah Montana Forever
This is just an unrelated yet terrifying image

I don’t mean to be a curmudgeon. I don’t think being sexual is bad (just embarrassing…eek!!!!) I don’t think being open about smoking pot is bad, especially if you’re a white and famous female who can get away with that sort of thing.  I don’t even think having black backup dancers is the worst thing ever, though calling them your “homies” is probably not OK.

Maybe it’s my advancing years, but all I want is for Miley to turn off that damn music and maybe have some tabs at the top of her webpage so I can understand what the hell is going on.

Oh dear. Oh my. Oh no.

HJ’s, I’m having a tough time with this one.  The quirky and psychoanalytic pedestal I kept my Uncle Woody on is slowly teetering. It may soon collapse upon itself though I really, really hope not.

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow do not have the best relationship. This, not surprisingly, is what happens when you leave the woman you have adopted several children with for her adopted daughter. Recently, Vanity Fair unleashed an article with tidbits from Mia Farrrow about Uncle Woody having a seemingly too-close relationship with their adopted daughter, Dylan. Oh, and her potential Frank Sinatra baby.

Oddly enough, child molestation is frowned upon in modern day society. Guys who like playing “doctor” with little girls are the ones who get pushed into a corner of the shower room in jail and  bent over and told to “squeal like the little rapey piggy you are”. Accusing someone of such an offense is no laughing matter. Even if that person is Woody Allen and probably won’t have anything happen to him because years in Hollywood has given him that golden Oscar gild that keeps those sorts of people safe from the law.

This isn’t the first time Mia’s called molestation on Woody. The first time was in 1992, also in Vanity fair, with allegations from various sources that, “Woody, wearing just underwear, would take Dylan to bed with him and entwine his body around hers; or that he would have her suck his thumb; or … when Dylan went over to his apartment he would head straight for the bedroom with her so that they could get into bed and play.”

Woody Allen with his post-family
Excuse me, but ew.

These claims were ignored because there isn’t really any substantial proof, just a lot of hearsay. Furthermore, Dylan kept changing her story, seemingly to Mia’s tune. In the recent Vanity Fair article and the past one, all the claims are just Allen and his Woody-love cult friends saying Mia Farrow is a vindictive CUNextTuesday or that she and her children are a weird little Woody-hate cult. Or they are from Farrow and her weird little Woody hate cult (co-starring Ronan Farrow the one we thought was Woody’s kid but might actually be Frank Sinatra’s) saying that Uncle Woody is a creepy little perv with no moral compass.

I desperately hope Uncle Woody isn’t guilty of these crimes because nothing quite takes the shine out of Annie Hall then the prospect of Alvy Singer inappropriately touching a child. I still admire his work as an artist (except for To Rome With Love) because you have to separate the man from the art, but damn, my great desire for a Woody Allen action figure is slowly but surely diminishing. Because even if he didn’t touch Dylan Farrow, this looksee into his private life is pretty freaking skeevey.

Bids are up for a new idol. Any takers?

(Said Schlitz, knowing deep down that Uncle Woody would always be her one true neurotic Jew love and she just wants Mia Farrow to be the vindictive little gutternsnipe she presents herself as.)

Mickey Avalon’s Hollywood Anthem

You may not know Mickey Avalon aka Yeshe Perl, the LA party anthem ‘rapper’ who came up with such great hits as “My Dick” and “Jane Fonda“. Former Orthodox Jew, male prostitute, and heroin addict, Mickey is quintessential ‘LA movie’; by that, I mean his life would be perfect for a made-for-TV movie.

LA Jews, I know you’ll play this at all your Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and college Greek Life parties.

Good G-d people. Why has nobody seen fit to mention that the Jews are apparently taking over America?

With the election of Hipster-favorite Eric Garcetti for Los Angeles mayor last week, the trifecta is complete with Bloomberg in NY and Rahm Dahling in Chicago and now we can complete our quest for world domination.

But Garcetti is not only of Jewish heritage, he is also Hispanic-Italian. As this sweet lil article so lovingly puts it, he is a “Jew Dual Citizen Traitor”. He has, like, every swarthy gene available. Swarthiest of the swarthy. He is dripping in swarth. He is also the youngest mayor of LA in over a century. At 42, he is barely out of diapers.
mayor_eric_garcetti

But, don’t be put off by his square, vaguely Don Draper-ish jaw-line and moody beatle brows, he is just as hip as you or I (though I recently began dating someone who drives a brand new pick-up truck, so this may or may not mean that I’m out of the club). [Ed note: No, you're further down the rabbit hole than you ever intended.]

Garcetti wooed the hipster crowd effectively, so effectively, in fact, that he got his own fake Twitter handle. Which is hilarious actually.
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So now politicians everywhere are beginning to realize that if they want to win an election, all they have to do is have a fundraiser with an EDM star and a guest appearance by Moby. Done and done. You got my vote. Moby always clinches my vote.

Rahm knows what’s up (And by that I mean the Hipster fuck who fake tweets for him)
t1larg.@mayoremanuel2

 

Unfortunately, Michael Bloomberg is a stuffy old man whose disdain for social media is widely known and whose fake Twitter merely mocks his inability to speak Spanish. Still hilarious.
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So to recap, we, The Jews, have taken control of both coasts and Chicago by using fake Twitters and exploiting hipsters. The End. Well done Us.

T Swift has taken the time to open up her big, dumb, mouth again but this time not for a song about a love interest. This time, she isn’t subtly mentioning famous men in her songs, she is instead UNSUBTLY ATTACKING THE TWO MOST FANTASTIC WOMEN on the planet.

Recently at the Golden Globes, host Tina Fey made a joke at Taylor Swift’s expense. It was hilarious. but T Swift, in classic stereotypical high school cheerleader form doesn’t have a sense of humour and responded badly. In an interview with Vanity Fair, she went as far as to quote Katie Couric saying,  “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

I know Swift is the voice of a generation and all (not mine), but what voice told her it was a good idea to insinuate in any way that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler deserve to be roasting on a special hellfire spit for being anti-women? Isn’t it clear by this point that these women are successful, strong women who have gotten where they are from helping and being helped by other women?

T Swift, I’d like you to think about something as you read this blog post, (an activity I know you must take part in before bed or you are unable to sleep). Hosts always make fun of celebrities at awards shows. Did the idea cross your golden brow that maybe you, by assuming you get special treatment because you are a woman, are being anti-woman? Or that it’s also sexist to assume that Tina and Any (as weak-willed women) would not be willing to make jokes about others?

Tina Fey Amy POhler

Beautiful and Hilarious no matter what the facial hair

I hope this  post doesn’t put me in women hell. But, let’s be honest, the young country music godde$$ clearly loves the attention of us hell wraiths. If she didn’t she wouldn’t she share important details about her personal life through song. Right?

Take a moment, and shut up, Taylor Swift. kthanksbye

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association has just announced their 2013 Golden Globe nominees which honor some old faithfuls and some newbies. Spielberg’s grandiose freedom/equality/democracy lovin’ and decidedly West Wing-esque Lincoln has emerged as the golden child with nominations for Best Picture etc., plus we’ve got good showings in both Best Actor/tress for Silver Linings Playbook and Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (WHAT?).  We’re pumped mostly because this list means it’s the start of the REAL most wonderful time of the year (suck it XMas), Entertainment Awards Season! However, we have to say, the nominations list is disturbingly Yid sparse… which brings us around to our new feature, the WHO’S JEWS of Awards Season.

madonna

Hollywood has long been dominated by j00z, so much so that the illustrious MOTs’ religious heritage at this point mostly goes by without comment. But we think it’s worthwhile to highlight the achievements of our Ashkenazi (and otherwise) brethren, because hey isn’t it our right to kvell a little?

Leading the charge is our Hollywood Hero Steven Spielberg for Best Director with his Jew-in-arms Tony Kushner for Best Screenplay for “Lincoln” (AKA the Abraham Joshua Heschel of the 19th Century, in case you didn’t know). We’ve also got our girrrl Rachel Weisz with a Best Performance by an Actress nomination for The Deep Blue Sea (which is apparently different from that one flick in which Samuel L. Jackson gets devoured by a shark).

Of course we’ve got Alan Arkin, the perpetually grumpy old man Jew, Max Greenfield for New Girl (and our HJ-actor of the year nominee). Plus, who can forget good ol’ Mandy Patinkin (AKA INIGO MONTOYA O DID I JUST BLOW UR MIND?), so much so a Jew IRL that his character Saul “The Intellectual Jew” Berenson is often chided by his CIA co-workers for consulting his Rabbis on matters of national security.

Regardless of religious/ethnic heritage, congrats to all the nominees. We’ll be watching and rooting especially for Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (JK YALL), breaking out the bubbly, and then calling our mothers to discuss how this will impact the Academy Awards shortlist.

The Haim sisters have returned with another great song, titled ‘Don’t Save Me‘. I’m gonna add this song to my playlist entitled ‘rainy day music when I’m particularly self-hating, but want to reminisce on an old gf’.

Old liberal Jews in Los Angeles sometimes always disagree with eachother. But sometimes they get so angry that they call eachother mean names and posture to the point where you are worried one of them may trip and break their hip bone. This happened to Brad Sherman and Howard Berman (THEY RHYME) who are running for something in LA where I don’t live and couldn’t care less.

Jew on Jew fighting is the worst because then you have to listen to two Jews bitch and moan afterwards. Atleast this form of poliJews is almost interesting. Almost. Cue the Jew fight.

//Wonkette