Archives For Hollywood/LA

Hey gang.

Some of you might not know that this very blog, this sweet lil aseemblage of the written word we all love so, had its beginnings as a travel blog. If you’re a recent bandwagon baby or only just stumbled upon Hipster Jew while googling “hot Jewish MILFS”  and were unaware of the HJ  genesis, that’s OK I also didn’t know. When I was informed of the babyhood of the blog I hold dear, I did some cyberstalking research and found some old travel content: a series on Chicky’s Birthright adventure. I just want to make sure you are all well-rounded readers of Hipster Jew content (even the Jewish MILF Googlers).

Anyway, at Hipster Jew, we like to party like it’s 2010 all the time (“heyyo someone pass me the jungle juice,”Did anyone bring the speakers for my Ipod”) so it should come as no surprise that we’re bringing the travel blog back. This time, your friendly neighborhood Schlitz Lipz is going to be sharing an extensive series on my travels across these Americas. That’s right, I left the bitter Northeast for the bright lights and broken dreams of Los Angeles and now you get to hear all about it. Or you can just read this article from The New York Times about New Yorkers fleeing for the West. it’s basically the same thing I’m writing but much, much shorter and with ten times better grammar. See, I care so much about your literacy…it’s almost humbling.

Continue Reading…

Fellow Jews, the patriarchy’s been messing with Cousin Sarah (Silverman) and that’s just one step too far for me. Patriarchy, you angered me when you instituted street harassment. When I found out about the prevalence of on-campus sexual abuse, I shook my fists in rage.  I almost fell into a diabetic coma of disdain when I read about all the crap Florida does to ladies..  But this, THIS IS TOO FAR, PATRIARCHY.

Recently, Sarah admitted that she had been paid 1/6 of what a male colleague was paid at a comedy club in New York. And yea, the owner is saying it’s not because she’s a woman that she was paid less…but she’s not the only lady who gets paid less for her efforts. So regardless of what he’s saying, the issue cannot be denied. The rest of us, as a standard, get paid 78.3 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Cousin Sarah

Sarah’s unimpressed with you, Patriarchy.

When Sarah cries, we all cry. I’m crying right now. Let’s fight the patriarchy, yo.

Well that happened. Anyone from L.A. want to corroborate this story? Are L.A. Kosher Delis this sexual? This hairy? This Jewish? This 1980s?

If so, I’d like one ticket to L.A., please.


When the party’s breakin’ up and the clubs are closin’ down and the City of Angels sleeps There’s only one place in town me and the boys will be found, got a jones for some savory meats

Canter’s rocks the noshes down in Hollywood, but I love my Jerry’s valley dolls And my baby gets a thrill for a Langer’s kosher dill, and she’ll cream for Greenblatt’s matzo balls

LA! Deli! Where the after party’s ragin’ in my L.A. town LA! Deli! The pastrami’s pillin’ high while you’re comin’ down LA! Deli! Eatin’ corned beef and eggs ’til the break of dawn LA! Deli! You don’t have to be a jew to get your rock ‘n’ roll kibitz on

Just a reminder that you can check out my previous days of this road trip here: Days 1-5 Days 6-10 Days 11-15 Days 16-20. And you can check out more photos from the trip!

Day 21: Phoenix // Los Angeles


I finally made it to the desert and it’s hot as hell. People say that the desert isn’t bad because it’s a dry heat. But honestly, 106 degrees dry or humid is terrible. I went to my second National Park, Joshua Tree. It’s okay. In terms of what my favorite parks were on this trip, it would probably be ranked last. There really isn’t much to see, but the things you can see look like they came out of a Dr. Seuss book.

Day 22: Los Angeles // Tijuana


I took my first ever trip to Mexico. Around this time there was a lot of talk about the cartel. The week before I left, the leader of the cartel was arrested outside El Paso. I really didn’t feel like getting involved with the cartel, but still wanted to go to Tijuana. So I just hung out by the border until I got bored.

The one thing I did in Mexico was buy a Coke. But considering the fact I have a 2 year olds knowledge of Spanish, I couldn’t understand the transaction. Apparently I agreed to drink the entire coke in the store so that I could give them back the glass bottle. I really should have payed attention during my 6 years of Spanish classes. Yo tengo un gato en me pantelones.

Day 23: Los Angeles


For most of the time I spent in LA, I stayed with Heather. Not to insult anyone I stayed with on this trip, but Heather was probably the coolest person I met along the way. Seriously, don’t be offended, she is just that cool. She makes the best Cheesecakes and the best gluten free cookies I have ever had. I will never find a better cheesecake or cookie in my life. Today we walked around Downtown LA.

Later in the evening I met up with an old friend from Providence, Ben. We hung around Venice beach, got some drinks, some food. It was the perfect chill out day.

Day 24: Los Angeles


I finally met one of the last Hipster Jew writers I had never met: Jew Tits. Jew Tits, her Boyfriend, and I decided to hit up Griffith Observatory. It’s beautiful up there. You can see the Hollywood sign, the ocean, downtown, and all the pollution you could ever ask for!

Day 25: Los Angeles


I went to the Hollywood walk of fame. It was the same day the Vin Diesel had his star unveiled. It’s a really boring place to go. In fact, I would suggest that one should never go to the Hollywood walk of fame. Oh great! I took a photo of Mel Brook’s star. I’m going to show that to everyone I know! Bleh

One interesting thing did happen. I homeless person stopped me to ask for cigarettes. I humored their request for awhile as they continued to talk to me. I recognized them. So I asked “You were in a movie, right?” “Yes.” “Which one?” “Well a few… but Lost Angeles…” That was it! I saw half of Lost Angeles the night before and finished it early that morning. It was Bam Bam! So we talked a little more. Told me about Christ. Then asked me for a hug. I obviously said no. Bam Bam obviously didn’t listen. I bathed in purel afterwards.

LA Side Note:


Before I got to LA, everyone told me I would hate it. But I tried. I let the people who loved it show me why they loved it. In the process of doing so, I seemed to have forgotten where I was, and what I was doing. I ended up staying a little longer than I had wished to. I lost track of time and felt very out of place. I’m not sure what it was about LA, but I felt like the city wanted something from me. I don’t know what, but I just felt like I had to give it something. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. Maybe someone else who has had this same experience can put it into better words. By day 25 I realized I had to get out of there and continue my trip.

Finally Uncle Woody gives us some media to distract us from his baby raping!

Thank G-d, ya know. I couldn’t deal with a pedo-Woody  every morning when I went to worship at my closet Uncle Woody shrine. It’s not weird. Every member of the HJ writing staff has a Woody shrine hidden away. Chicky has it tattooed on his arm. Who knew you could tattoo a shrine on your arm?

Mr. Allen, who has never frequented an actual Academy Awards Ceremony (you know because he’s neurotic and beautiful) has made an open statement to Hollywood that casting directors need an award in the Academy Awards. Just like a Jew. Not actually taking part in something but still giving advice. Christ, I love the man.

And you know what, I gotta agree with him. I interned at a casting director office in my quest to be a WORLDFAMOUSDIRECTOR and that crap isn’t easy. Actors are the worst people on earth. Finding talent that isn’t also too selfish to work with people is tough and of great consequence to the working vibe of a film. Oh and actors are all terrible people.

In conclusion, keep on keeping Uncle Woody. <3 you 4eva

Oh and this video is also funny. Woody Allen still thinks people make love. Oh Woody, you naive fool.



Woody Allen has recently given a spiel on Israel, and religion, and anti-semitism. I read the lines he was quoted in with his sweet lil neurotic voice, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.


Viva Uncle Woody.

I mean like unless he’s a child a rapist and therefore a bad person like the internet believes. But even then…I just can’t quit you Woody Allen.


Schlitz Lipz —  10/07/2013 —  Comments

I don’t want Hipster Jew to write this post. I don’t want us to be giving Miley Cyrus anymore freaking publicity or attention. But I mean let’s be honest, everyone’s going to want to read something we write about the former Ms. Montana and I’m DESPERATE for your love and approval. Hey, my dog gets more catcalls from males than I do.  Give a bitch something. (heheh get it? cos dogs are bitches?)

Anyway, we at Ye Olde Jew of the Hipster stumbled across Miley Cyrus’s website. Let me give you a brief explanation of what went down when it was discovered:

The DuckmanMIley Cyrus’s website is amazing

Schlitz Lipz: I’m on it. Is this her real website? Dear god.

The Duckman: so good

This is how the magic happens, people.

I’m over Miley Cyrus. I’m so over her. I’m tired of her acting like she’s in control of her destiny and isn’t getting whored out by the industry. I’m tired of her tonguing sledgehammers and twerking in front of the watchful eyes of my impressionable baby niece.  And if I have to hear one more  Philly hipster CUNextTuesday claim Miley stole her style, you know the one she picked up on South Street (scoff, giggle, scoff), I’m going to vomit in said Philly hipster’s lap.

The former Hannah Montana’s website makes me feel a little bit like I’m going to have a seizure brought on by over-stimuli.  It’s childish look is basically screaming, “Come here idiot 12-year-olds, it’s time to learn how to objectify yourself for men! Oh and here’s some teddy bears, aren’t they cute?”  It’s amazing how it can look so last-minute-thrown-together but in actuality probably costs more than 5 Hipster Jews to keep up.

Hannah Montana Forever
This is just an unrelated yet terrifying image

I don’t mean to be a curmudgeon. I don’t think being sexual is bad (just embarrassing…eek!!!!) I don’t think being open about smoking pot is bad, especially if you’re a white and famous female who can get away with that sort of thing.

Maybe it’s my advancing years, but all I want is for Miley to turn off that damn music and maybe have some tabs at the top of her webpage so I can understand what the hell is going on.

Oh dear. Oh my. Oh no.

HJ’s, I’m having a tough time with this one.  The quirky and psychoanalytic pedestal I kept my Uncle Woody on is slowly teetering. It may soon collapse upon itself though I really, really hope not.

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow do not have the best relationship. This, not surprisingly, is what happens when you leave the woman you have adopted several children with for her adopted daughter. Recently, Vanity Fair unleashed an article with tidbits from Mia Farrrow about Uncle Woody having a seemingly too-close relationship with their adopted daughter, Dylan. Oh, and her potential Frank Sinatra baby.

Oddly enough, child molestation is frowned upon in modern day society. Guys who like playing “doctor” with little girls are the ones who get pushed into a corner of the shower room in jail and  bent over and told to “squeal like the little rapey piggy you are”. Accusing someone of such an offense is no laughing matter. Even if that person is Woody Allen and probably won’t have anything happen to him because years in Hollywood has given him that golden Oscar gild that keeps those sorts of people safe from the law.

This isn’t the first time Mia’s called molestation on Woody. The first time was in 1992, also in Vanity fair, with allegations from various sources that, “Woody, wearing just underwear, would take Dylan to bed with him and entwine his body around hers; or that he would have her suck his thumb; or … when Dylan went over to his apartment he would head straight for the bedroom with her so that they could get into bed and play.”

Woody Allen with his post-family
Excuse me, but ew.

These claims were ignored because there isn’t really any substantial proof, just a lot of hearsay. Furthermore, Dylan kept changing her story, seemingly to Mia’s tune. In the recent Vanity Fair article and the past one, all the claims are just Allen and his Woody-love cult friends saying Mia Farrow is a vindictive CUNextTuesday or that she and her children are a weird little Woody-hate cult. Or they are from Farrow and her weird little Woody hate cult (co-starring Ronan Farrow the one we thought was Woody’s kid but might actually be Frank Sinatra’s) saying that Uncle Woody is a creepy little perv with no moral compass.

I desperately hope Allen isn’t guilty of these crimes because nothing quite takes the shine out of Annie Hall then the prospect of Alvy Singer inappropriately touching a child. I still admire his work as an artist (except for To Rome With Love) because you have to separate the man from the art, but damn, my great desire for a Woody Allen action figure is slowly but surely diminishing. Because even if he didn’t touch Dylan Farrow, this looksee into his private life is pretty freaking skeevey.

Bids are up for a new idol. Any takers?


Mickey Avalon’s Hollywood Anthem

You may not know Mickey Avalon aka Yeshe Perl, the LA party anthem ‘rapper’ who came up with such great hits as “My Dick” and “Jane Fonda“. Former Orthodox Jew, male prostitute, and heroin addict, Mickey is quintessential ‘LA movie’; by that, I mean his life would be perfect for a made-for-TV movie.

LA Jews, I know you’ll play this at all your Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and college Greek Life parties.

Good G-d people. Why has nobody seen fit to mention that the Jews are apparently taking over America?

With the election of Hipster-favorite Eric Garcetti for Los Angeles mayor last week, the trifecta is complete with Bloomberg in NY and Rahm Dahling in Chicago and now we can complete our quest for world domination.

But Garcetti is not only of Jewish heritage, he is also Hispanic-Italian. As this sweet lil article so lovingly puts it, he is a “Jew Dual Citizen Traitor”. He has, like, every swarthy gene available. Swarthiest of the swarthy. He is dripping in swarth. He is also the youngest mayor of LA in over a century. At 42, he is barely out of diapers.

But, don’t be put off by his square, vaguely Don Draper-ish jaw-line and moody beatle brows, he is just as hip as you or I (though I recently began dating someone who drives a brand new pick-up truck, so this may or may not mean that I’m out of the club). [Ed note: No, you’re further down the rabbit hole than you ever intended.]

Garcetti wooed the hipster crowd effectively, so effectively, in fact, that he got his own fake Twitter handle. Which is hilarious actually.

So now politicians everywhere are beginning to realize that if they want to win an election, all they have to do is have a fundraiser with an EDM star and a guest appearance by Moby. Done and done. You got my vote. Moby always clinches my vote.

Rahm knows what’s up (And by that I mean the Hipster fuck who fake tweets for him)


Unfortunately, Michael Bloomberg is a stuffy old man whose disdain for social media is widely known and whose fake Twitter merely mocks his inability to speak Spanish. Still hilarious.

So to recap, we, The Jews, have taken control of both coasts and Chicago by using fake Twitters and exploiting hipsters. The End. Well done Us.