Archives For Poliwieners

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Rick Perry, like many of the Texas governors and presidents before him, loves his Jewish people. He loves them! And by that, I mean he loves the super conservative but wealthy neoconservatives. And by that, I mean he loves their money.

But before diving in, Perry took a moment to appreciate his surroundings. “I’m more Jewish than you think I am,” he told me. “I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” He boasted that he has been going to Israel since 1992.

Some people don’t know but there is a Jewish hierarchy in the world. It works like this:

Hassidic Jews who live in Israel > Regular Jews who live in Israel > Religious Jews outside of Israel > non-religious Jews who have been to Israel > Goys who have been to Israel since 1992 > Jews who go on Birthright > Jews who vote Democrat > Hipster Jews > Jews who intermarry > Being 1/2 Jewish > Being 1/4 Jewish > Being Dead (maybe?)

//NYTimes

Editor’s note:  If you follow any of this advice, you deserve both the audit you’ll get and the jail time you may serve.

Happy the Tax Unicorn

Happy the Tax Unicorn

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Taxes are confusing to fill out.  To help you better prepare your tax forms, we here at Hipster Jew have put together a little step-by-step guide to aid you with this process.

Step 1:  Fill out your basic information.

Fill out your name and address.  If you are an urban pioneer living in a burned-out hulk that has not received mail since 1977, just use your parent’s address, after all, they are supporting you anyway.

Remember, you have at least 5 dependents no matter what.  Logically, this is because dependents starts with depend and Depend is a brand of diaper and that since as a child, you probably wore at least five diapers entitling you to claim at least five dependents.

Step 2:  Fill in the numbers from your W-2 form and tax withheld on the appropriate lines.

Or you could click here for a helpful random number generator.  Don’t worry; no one checks these things anyway.   A guy at a bar told me that once.

Step 3:  Add and subtract per the instructions on the form.

If you get bored, you could just draw a picture of a unicorn like the one above.

Step 4:  Determine the amount of tax or refund owed.

If you owe taxes, check to see if they IRS will accept payment in kind.  All that artisanal cheese you make in your drain pipes ought to be good for something, right?

If you are owed a refund, bike down to the local IRS office and refuse to leave until they cut you a refund check.

Step 5:  Relax secure in the knowledge that you filed your taxes.

Mmmm…low quality beer never tasted so good.

On Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Josh Gondelman takes the new Hipster Republican to task with jokes! About hipsters! I assume we’re going to see a few more of these types of videos so why not publish them all in one happy place:

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: GOP – Hashtag Awesomesauce (HBO)

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: GOP – Whatevs (HBO)

The Republicans were jealous that Obama has a hipster, but they don’t. So they found a new Warby Parker wearing hipster to shell out terrible viral ideas to the rich trust fund masses. His name is Scott Greenberg and he has a pile of bullshit to spew.

Scott is upset at politicians who want “regulation” but won’t really discuss what that means.

Scott also likes energy. Like all of it. Especially the one where robots use humans to power their grid system. Like in the Matrix. Scott is pro matrix. Like Whatever.

Well, I think the entire life of Between Two Ferns has come down to this moment: The President of the United States. We have some great jokes about birth certificates and some terrible jokes about healthcare. It’s just great (unlike Hangover 3).

obama-betweenferns

merkel-netanyahu

Is it okay if she claims she’s doing the Chaplin?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has a boner for Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli PM. How much of a boner does he have? A karaoke boner. Such a large, big, ginormous karaoke boner.

Do you think it’s “Hey Jude” or “Hey Jew”? Just wonderin’…

//The Awl

steve-katz-weed

New York Assemblyman, Steve Katz (R), was pulled over for speeding last year. The cop noticed a big smell of dank weed coming out of the car. This would be a non-story if it wasn’t for the fact that Steve Katz vowed keep marijuana criminalized in New York. It would also be a non story if Steve Katz didn’t use his political connections to get out of all charges. But we’re not here to discuss that.

We are here to talk about how Steve Katz is now a pot loving hippie neo-con who would skip Governor Cuomo’s State of State to conduct a “Pot Research Trip” in Colorado. I mean, who would have thought that legalizing weed would make it so that you could buy weed?! Er…. I mean, who would have thought legalizing weed would have brought in tons of tax money? So silly right?

Well congrats New York! You are now the 21st state to legalize medicinal marijuana!

// image via weedist

This is kind of funny. It’s not hilariously funny, because it’s too full of itself. Ever listen to Bill Maher? His head is so far up his self-righteous ass, it’s impossible to laugh with him. No self-deprecation. Just a political comedian who thinks everything he says is from Socrates’ own pederast mouth.

It’s the same with this BBC video. I totally get the joke they are going for – what if Israel tried to grab land everywhere it had a presence. It’s entertaining, and I like when one of them calls a police officer anti-Semitic. That’s always a good one. Otherwise, it may have been funnier if it was the same premise but using a different country? Like one that nobody would expect to start land-grabbing. Lichenstein. Clearly.

Funny? Not funny? Anti-Semitic?

//Times of Isreal

The Obama administration is getting destroyed on the technology side of everything they do concerning healthcare reform. Their website is shit because they didn’t hire a company that makes good websites. And now they throw out a meme that is being torn apart by Republicans.

obamacare-hipster

Just some issues I see with this image that can make it go viral in a bad way:

  • Hipsters are easy targets
  • Especially a hipster in pajamas that probably lives with his parents (not that there is anything wrong with that… not that I have experience with that… I live with my parents)
  • No one talks about health care or health coverage
  • Hashtags can be used against you. Use hashtags wisely
  • Don’t have a weak message. Because people will make fun of it, and it will be more powerful than your message.

So how are Republicans doing with this easy target?

anti-obamacare-christie

anti-obamacare-hipster1

anti-obamacare-hipster2

// Mediaite