Archives For Poliwieners

The Notorious RBG is at it again. Homegirl won’t quit. She loves freedom and social justice and Judaism and making sure that ladies’ views are well represented.

You thought Passover was about first born sons, and Moses, and Pharoah, and God who you probably identify in your mind as a man? Not like an old guy with a beard or anything, but like a young guy with muscles and stuff? Well you’re wrong. It’s about ladies.

The Book of Exodus, much like the Book of Genesis, opens in pervasive darkness. Genesis describes the earth
as “unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep.” In Exodus, darkness attends the accession
of a new Pharaoh who feared the Israelites and so enslaved them. God alone lights the way out of the
darkness in Genesis. But in Exodus, God has many partners, first among them, five brave women.

So give your mom a hug, you jerk. If I had to guess, she probably made all the food for the Seders and you didn’t even say thanks. I know I didn’t. Because my dad didn’t raise me right. MY MOM IS PERFECT AND SO IS THE NOTORIOUS RBG.

//Washington Post

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Chelsea Handler, comedienne, Jewwess, lady who loves trying to show her breasts on Instagram as a means of empowering the female body, has gotten her boobs to stay up on Instagram.

How?

All it took was some body paint, a trip to Israel, and a camel. Yeah. You wish you were this empowered on your birthright trip. I know I wish I was…

“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.”

Way to go Chelsea. Using breasts to make a message. About peace or something.

//Ynet

Someone really needs to tell him these aren’t the Jews who will give him lots of money and help him win elections. You did this last year Rick and it didn’t win you anything then. Quit while you’re still a douche. #sorrybutnotsorrychabad
#messianicsuperjews

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Rick Perry, like many of the Texas governors and presidents before him, loves his Jewish people. He loves them! And by that, I mean he loves the super conservative but wealthy neoconservatives. And by that, I mean he loves their money.

But before diving in, Perry took a moment to appreciate his surroundings. “I’m more Jewish than you think I am,” he told me. “I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” He boasted that he has been going to Israel since 1992.

Some people don’t know but there is a Jewish hierarchy in the world. It works like this:

Hassidic Jews who live in Israel > Regular Jews who live in Israel > Religious Jews outside of Israel > non-religious Jews who have been to Israel > Goys who have been to Israel since 1992 > Jews who go on Birthright > Jews who vote Democrat > Hipster Jews > Jews who intermarry > Being 1/2 Jewish > Being 1/4 Jewish > Being Dead (maybe?)

//NYTimes

Editor’s note:  If you follow any of this advice, you deserve both the audit you’ll get and the jail time you may serve.

Happy the Tax Unicorn

Happy the Tax Unicorn

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Taxes are confusing to fill out.  To help you better prepare your tax forms, we here at Hipster Jew have put together a little step-by-step guide to aid you with this process.

Step 1:  Fill out your basic information.

Fill out your name and address.  If you are an urban pioneer living in a burned-out hulk that has not received mail since 1977, just use your parent’s address, after all, they are supporting you anyway.

Remember, you have at least 5 dependents no matter what.  Logically, this is because dependents starts with depend and Depend is a brand of diaper and that since as a child, you probably wore at least five diapers entitling you to claim at least five dependents.

Step 2:  Fill in the numbers from your W-2 form and tax withheld on the appropriate lines.

Or you could click here for a helpful random number generator.  Don’t worry; no one checks these things anyway.   A guy at a bar told me that once.

Step 3:  Add and subtract per the instructions on the form.

If you get bored, you could just draw a picture of a unicorn like the one above.

Step 4:  Determine the amount of tax or refund owed.

If you owe taxes, check to see if they IRS will accept payment in kind.  All that artisanal cheese you make in your drain pipes ought to be good for something, right?

If you are owed a refund, bike down to the local IRS office and refuse to leave until they cut you a refund check.

Step 5:  Relax secure in the knowledge that you filed your taxes.

Mmmm…low quality beer never tasted so good.

On Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Josh Gondelman takes the new Hipster Republican to task with jokes! About hipsters! I assume we’re going to see a few more of these types of videos so why not publish them all in one happy place:

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: GOP – Hashtag Awesomesauce (HBO)

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: GOP – Whatevs (HBO)

The Republicans were jealous that Obama has a hipster, but they don’t. So they found a new Warby Parker wearing hipster to shell out terrible viral ideas to the rich trust fund masses. His name is Scott Greenberg and he has a pile of bullshit to spew.

Scott is upset at politicians who want “regulation” but won’t really discuss what that means.

Scott also likes energy. Like all of it. Especially the one where robots use humans to power their grid system. Like in the Matrix. Scott is pro matrix. Like Whatever.

Well, I think the entire life of Between Two Ferns has come down to this moment: The President of the United States. We have some great jokes about birth certificates and some terrible jokes about healthcare. It’s just great (unlike Hangover 3).

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Is it okay if she claims she’s doing the Chaplin?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has a boner for Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli PM. How much of a boner does he have? A karaoke boner. Such a large, big, ginormous karaoke boner.

Do you think it’s “Hey Jude” or “Hey Jew”? Just wonderin’…

//The Awl