Roger Ailes, the president of Fox News network once asked me, “What the *bleep* is so offensive about putting up a plastic Jewish family on my lawn at Christmas time.” – NYMag
Archives For Poliwieners
Mayor Menino is going to make November 28th Thanksgivukkuh day in Boston, to appeal all those Jewish Bostonians (Like Adam Sandler and Leonard Nimoy). Yeah yeah yeah maybe one of the Pilgrims on was Jewish or something. Maybe he has lots of Jewish friends. Maybe he’s doing it because it won’t happen again for 80,000 and by then neither America or Judaism will exist. All I know is that Menino knows how to play the political game.
And I can’t wait to see the Thanksgivukkah Parade, complete with blow up turkeys and dreidels. It’ll be quite the party!
Are you lonely?
Out of a Job?
Drinking your political science degree away?
Just want someone to talk to?
Maybe someone to talk dirty to?
I have a website you should check out. Drunk Dial Congress.
Don’t be afraid you might not have anything to say. There is a list of great talking points you can refer to as you use your God given right to drink and yell at people on the phone. Talk about how you really wanted to see some fucking pandas. Talk about how you think they should let illegals mow the Lincoln Memorial lawn to save on spending.
Don’t talk about legalizing pot. Don’t talk about how you need to score some molly, but the website you frequent was shut down by the feds. Don’t threaten to kill anyone, or mention you were with someone’s mother last night.
Otherwise, have fun this weekend ;)
Alan Grayson (Jew, Old People Land) may be one of the only sane people left in Florida. Having grown tired of Republicans being utter douches, he decided to point out that Congress has lost it’s dignity, in the world and in the eyes of the American people. It turns out people like Congress less than hemorrhoids, cockroaches, and dog poop. You heard that right, this representative pointed out that Congress is lesser than poop.
“What do you have a higher opinion of, Congress or hemorrhoids? Congress, 31 percent; hemorrhoids, 53 percent. What do you have a higher opinion of, Congress or dog poop? Congress 40 percent; dog poop 47 percent.”
I’m so glad Grayson was re-elected. He’s like a Jewish, more serious John C. Reilly. Atleast one good thing has come out of Florida. Lots of good things DO go there to die, if that counts for something.
The food cart business just keeps on getting more and more clever and niche. Just make sure you don’t ask for a ‘Carlos Danger with Hot Sauce’ because I’m pretty sure a guy is going to hand you a hot dog, but instead of a hot dog, it’s a penis.
Only in America is a politician judged on everything except their politics. Anytime I hear people complaining about Weiner, it’s how he cheated on his wife and therefore won’t be a moral politician – the idea is laughable. Politicians are people – people make mistakes. Last time I checked a politician should be judged on their, wait for it, public policies. If we all voted for moralists to be Moral President of the USA, I’d be all up in arms about Anthony Weiner. Is he smug? Sure. Can he be dick? Of course. But does that make him any better/worse than Bill Clinton (beloved Democrat), Newt Gingrich (2-time spousal cheater, Republican Presidential contender), or Mark Sanford (abandoned family to have an affair)? Only if you’re a ‘moralist’ ie an asshole.
I can’t say I like the way Anthony Weiner has handled parts of his campaign, but I do love how he stands up to this moralist asshole in Borough Park. And he does in typical NYC Anthony Weiner fashion.
We’ll miss you Anthony. Best of luck being a high-powered non-political rich person.
Bernie Madoff, everyone’s favorite Jewish Ponzi schemer, really loved hookers. And cocaine. And fucking anything that moved. Or atleast, that’s the theory!
An earlier lawsuit filed in state court against the jailed Ponzi king painted Madoff as presiding over an animal house with “a culture of sexual deviance” where drug-fueled parties were graced by waitresses dressed only in G-strings.
But I mean, c’mon, can you blame the guy? Stealing billions of dollars that didn’t exist. It’s what every small-penised man who invests in Wall Street dreams about! (By every small penised man, I mean literally every Wall Street banker. Men with big dicks have better things to do, like teach or make art or become President of the USA.)
The suit said Madoff would regularly send two “street tough men” to Harlem to get drugs for the office romps. It said the escort-loving scammer kept a list of sexy masseuses in a little black book. “Drug use in the office was described as rampant” and former employees likened it to the “North Pole,” referring to the incredible amounts of snow-white cocaine available, the suit said.
Just remember! It’s not the teenage or college kid smoking a joint who is keeping the drug trade going and ruining the War on Drugs. It’s rich assholes who love their nose candy.
Thanks for keeping the stereotype alive that all Jews are crazed sex perverts AND thieving bankers.
John McCain, being the “maverick” he is made the executive decision to out-weiner Anthony Weiner this week. That’s right, he thought the weird sexual crap happening in politics just wasn’t enough this week and wanted to add in his own awkwardness. But it’s worse than with Weiner because thinking about McCain saying things about sex reminds me of uncomfortable bird/bees talks with Grandpas. Which is something I never had. Thank God.
You maverick, you.
John’s decided that the US mint should just drop dollar bills and go straight to lil Sacajawea dollar coins.
Don’t worry guys, Grandpa John has a way to deal with the problem, “Then I hope that they could obtain larger denominations,” Thanks John McCain, now I’m thinking about you at strip club and how much you tip your strippers. At least you’re generous.
We have been blessed for decades with hilarious tabloid headlines given to us by the NY Post. And as such an easy target as Anthony Weiner, you can assume that there have been many hilarious front page penis jokes. And you would be assuming correctly. But we almost missed out on a big one. So close. The NY Post put out a Late City Final that sucked. But the Metro Edition didn’t let us down!
Sometimes a political pundit writes the type of article where you know they’re trolling. Trolling super hard. Because they’re desperate to be a ‘somebody’, and in our political age the craziest thing said is the one remembered in the next shitty 24-hour news cycle. Here enters Jeffrey Goldberg, the guy who won awards convincing ‘Merica that invading Iraq was the only course of action. He’s here to tell us why Newark Mayor superstar Corey Booker is ‘too Jewish’, a la insane internet conspiracy theories (if it’s too good, it must be evil).
A couple of years ago, at a friend’s house, I fell into conversation with Booker about the Middle East. One of my daughters was with me, and I introduced her to the mayor, noting — to her embarrassment, of course — that she was about to become a Bat Mitzvah.
Booker turned his attention to her. “What’s your parasha?” he asked, using the Hebrew word for portion…she answered: “Vayera,” which is the action-packed chapter in the Book of Genesis that includes, among other things, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
“Amazing parasha!” Booker said. He then quoted — in Hebrew — one of its more famous lines. And he shared his expert exegesis on the portion’s broader meaning — notably, the lessons that any troublemaker worth her salt could derive from Abraham’s audacious decision to negotiate with God about the future of these two sinful towns.
What a dick. Learning so much about Judaism that he knows words like ‘parsha’ and can speak Hebrew. I don’t trust him, and neither should you. If there’s one thing I know it’s that no non-Jews anywhere ever have trusted Jews, and he clearly learned all these things to slowly destroy Jews. He’s like a political venus fly trap – talking about his love of Israel and Jews today; tomorrow he deports all Jews to Israel and sends a nuke along with us. Can’t. Be. Trusted. Or. Elected.
Booker’s close relations with Jews and Judaism have prompted two skeptical observations. The first is whether the sort of performance my daughter and I saw is a kind of elaborate parlor trick designed to draw Jewish voters and Jewish fundraising dollars. Booker is a politician, and so is burdened by the assumption of insincerity.
Unlike, say, the sincerity of a moderate Jewish man who sees enemies everywhere? Also, he really hates Jews Lists. SO F-YOU SCHINDLER!
It goes on from there, but it’s an article to troll you into reading because PAGEVIEWS, so click the link at the loss of your own brain cells. I warned you.