Editor’s note: If you follow any of this advice, you deserve both the audit you’ll get and the jail time you may serve.
Happy the Tax Unicorn
Taxes are confusing to fill out. To help you better prepare your tax forms, we here at Hipster Jew have put together a little step-by-step guide to aid you with this process.
Step 1: Fill out your basic information.
Fill out your name and address. If you are an urban pioneer living in a burned-out hulk that has not received mail since 1977, just use your parent’s address, after all, they are supporting you anyway.
Remember, you have at least 5 dependents no matter what. Logically, this is because dependents starts with depend and Depend is a brand of diaper and that since as a child, you probably wore at least five diapers entitling you to claim at least five dependents.
Step 2: Fill in the numbers from your W-2 form and tax withheld on the appropriate lines.
Or you could click here for a helpful random number generator. Don’t worry; no one checks these things anyway. A guy at a bar told me that once.
Step 3: Add and subtract per the instructions on the form.
If you get bored, you could just draw a picture of a unicorn like the one above.
Step 4: Determine the amount of tax or refund owed.
If you owe taxes, check to see if they IRS will accept payment in kind. All that artisanal cheese you make in your drain pipes ought to be good for something, right?
If you are owed a refund, bike down to the local IRS office and refuse to leave until they cut you a refund check.
Step 5: Relax secure in the knowledge that you filed your taxes.
Mmmm…low quality beer never tasted so good.