Those of you who’ve been reading my occasional scribblings know that I am in Israel.  I periodically go on various trips around this diverse and schizophrenically paced country.  Over Christmas Hanukkah break I went hiking in the Negev desert.  I walked over and past layers of chalk and earth-toned stones, up hills, down valleys, along 4×4 tracks and two-foot wide paths perilously close to hundred-foot drops.

Bad ass without a filter.

While doing this I met a broad swath of Israel’s population:  Bedouins, both urbanized and less so, Arab villagers, religious Jews, and secular Jews.  The one thing that unified them all was a deep love of dubstep.  If that isn’t a sign of an imminent apocalypse, I don’t know what is.

Alright, you kooky kids! You can’t read this because it will burn your eyes out and the Devil will breathe life into you (or turn you gay, I think?), but the next one will cost ya! 75 shekel an hour.

Boardgames suck. It’s why I’ve had the Words With Friends App (for free) on my iPhone for a month now, and I’ve only completed a total of 2 games. Nobody wants to play Scrabble or Scrabble-like games. It’s boring. It’s educational. And people get angry when I guess words and beat them (only happened once, when I was drunk, I swear). You want to play Scrabble? Go sit it a cafe and play it alone while you attempt to feel up the barista.

First they made Jewish Apples for Apples, and boring Jews went wild. And now this atrocity.

I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing other than an alternative Jewish-themed game: video games like GTA, with colorful characters as the corrupt Hassidic diamond sellers. And any Simpsons videogame where Krusty is a character.

Everyday people learn that Ron Paul isn’t a pussy. He speaks his mind, no matter how racist, bigoted, or just controversial he may be. It’s why one day we will call him Supreme Overlord Paul, if his supporters have their way.

Regardless, this girl is freaking out waaaay too hard. If I didn’t know anything, I’d assume she was a freshman who just got her first Work Study job with Hillel. Get over it. Ron Paul hates everything except certain parts of America. This analogy isn’t new. Crying isn’t gonna solve anything.

Is this what Xmas does to people? Makes them all emotional and drippy?
Hanukkah has hardened many a young Jew’s heart.

In Israel, they also have fresh produce markets.  They are called Shuks.  The similarities between Shuks and farmers markets end there.  Shuks are full of produce, fruits and exotic smells (usually of rotten organic matter, unwashed bodies, bulk items and sewage).  Tiny, cramped hallways are full of people pushing and shoving to pay for cheap food.  Vendors selling wares both mysterious and familiar.  Taking too long to find what you’re looking for?  Then surely a surly, mountainous Israeli will begin demanding that you buy something.  At least it’s cheap.

It’s kinda like Black Friday, with crazed mobs surrounding every available item.  The only difference is that it’s every Friday.  Combat shopping at its finest.

Peace out home slices.

Apologies for the hiatus, issues like the real world kept me from writing for a while.

Look at this lazy Hipster, probably buying rare vinyls at an outdoor market.

People are surprised. People are pissed. Young, secular, hip kids don’t want to fight in a seemingly never-ending war with a hostile population? They’d rather get drunk, listen to rock n’ roll, and have premarital sex? That’s just crayyyyyyy.

The Tel Aviv metropolitan area and Jerusalem have extremely low rates of army enlistment, Ynet reported today. Modi’in-Maccabim-Re’ut was first on the list while Tel Aviv was 52nd and Jerusalem 62nd. Many of Jerusalem’s residents are haredim, which largely accounts for its low ranking. (via Failed Messiah)

Oh yeah, and don’t forget that all those liberal Hipsters are Palestinian sympathizers. Left wing ideologies. Probably a bunch of pussy pacifists who hate Israel and Democracy. They should all just move to New England/NYC where they can forget about God and have wild, intensive orgies.

Man. I think we can close the book on Birthright jokes. Eugene Mirman [SXSW comedian, NYC lover, Hipster Jew (question mark?)] took my stand-up comedy cherry. And he just shattered the genre of Israel/Birthright jokes. One may question why Israel-Birthright would sponsor the video, but then didn’t promote it. Or why they filmed it in the first place. Or if it is actually sponsored by Birthright, and isn’t just an elaborate ruse by Mirman on some fellow Jews. Regardless, feel free to relive your most hilarious Birthright memories in the comment section below.

Thanks Niemeyer for the link

1001 Dalmations Palestinians

Some Jews are getting upset because OWS is full of liberals who are upset with the whole ‘Palestinian’ thing, and are putting blame on those who control the power.

Elements that claim to stand with Occupy Wall Street—and that Occupy Wall Street couldn’t disclaim even if it wanted to—are turning the movement toward adopting an anti-Israel cause for its own….the Boston occupation, which marched to the Israeli consulate last Friday in solidarity with the latest flotilla, or of blogs declaring that Oakland, whose occupation was the site of ghastly police repression last month, represents the same cause as Palestine. (Tablet Mag)

Do I support all of these here things? Nope. There is a reason this is called OCCUPY ______ and not WALK ALONG A DAMNED STREET TIL YA FIND DA ISREALIS ______.

And don’t even get me started on the Oakland/Palestine comparison. Many Jewish people have been upset with this terminology, but for the wrong reasons. They should be upset because the people in Oakland had their Constitutional rights ignored, while the people in Palestine were never given any Constitutional rights to begin with. Occupied territories but without a voice. I feel like, just maybe, our founding fathers would turn in the grave and collectively utter “WTF, Moses”. And, let’s be honest, Americans don’t know what ‘sacrifice’ means. We’re too coddled, we expect everything to go our way. We don’t know how to struggle. We don’t know how to fight for our right. To party, yes. But also to fight in justices. We’ll fight until someone may lose an eye, and then we riot and loot electronics from Best Buy.

Yesterday, a “Jewish call to action” was released, to “occupy the occupiers” in the Jewish community, “the powerful institutions that support Israel’s corporate-backed military control of the Palestinian people.” Leaving aside that such a specific stand is against Occupy Wall Street’s “no-demands” mission—which I heard a member of the Demands Group staunchly defend at a panel on the movement last night in New York—who are these powerful institutions? They include “AIPAC, the Jewish Federations, Birthright, the Jewish National Fund, Hillel.” (Hilariously, it doesn’t include those anti-colonialists at J Street.) These groups “actively obstruct human rights for Palestinians”? Hillel? It was necessary to “occupy” a small Birthright event in New York last night? They think the Jewish 99 percent opposes Federation? (Tablet Mag)

Sure, this is one sided. And probably a bit anti-Semitic. But once again we’re talking about power. Who has the power in the Israel/Palestine relationship? Uncle Ben knew that power came with responsibility. And Jews are the Aunt May to the Uncle Bens…..shit, I think you can understand this analogy.

And more importantly, it’s a fair comment to make about Birthright. Birthright hates Palestinians, as far as I can tell. At best they show you some Druze and go ‘okay, you’ve seen some non-Jews in Israel, now go get drunk and screw some American girls and remember how much this feels like your frat parties’.

But really? Don’t these people have anything better to complain about? Can’t we keep OWS out of foreign entanglements? Ron Paul would like that alot, thank you.

If you are going to knock any military-industrial-complex, why not start with the biggest one of all, the one that funds Israel’s own military, the U.S. government? Or do these people assume that more can get done via pressure on Israel than trying to actually access our own fractured government?

Isn’t that what OWS is really about?

Yesterday, a “Jewish call to action” was released, to “occupy the occupiers” in the Jewish community, “the powerful institutions that support Israel’s corporate-backed military control of the Palestinian people.” Leaving aside that such a specific stand is against Occupy Wall Street’s “no-demands” mission—which I heard a member of the Demands Group staunchly defend at a panel on the movement last night in New York—who are these powerful institutions?

Male, or Female, if you bring me an Israeli Soldier you get a free t-shirt. Cuties only apply. I know I can’t offer you $1,000,000 like a Saudi Prince just offered, but I’m lonely. And so are the other Hipster Jew writers. So send us something. Anything. Please.

Promise not to tie them up for too long ;)