Hipster Jew » Israel

Turks think that ‘Jew Birds’ are spying on them

Chicky — Fri, 18 May 2012 15:21:56 +0000

This should be the national bird of Israel.

Some small dipshit town in Turkey found a bird that said ‘Israel’ on it and happened to have a long beak. So they freaked out and assumed JEWS were watching them. And they were right. But those Jews happened to control the media, and only watched them after the fact.

But when the locals in one south-eastern Turkish village found a dead migratory bird, it created quite a stir. Incredibly, the villagers mistook the common European bee-eater for an Israeli spy. According to the BBC, villagers became suspicious of the dead animal, which was found in a field, because it had a metal ring around its leg which was stamped ‘Israel’. After deciding that its nostrils were too large and could have been carrying a microchip for spying, fitted by Israeli intelligence, the villagers called the police. // Daily Mail

Some days, it’s really hard to write a blog post. Other days, God vis-a-vis Allah writes one for you. Now I’m not saying these ignorant Turkish hicks assumed the bird was Jewish because it had an obnoxiously large beak, complained about the long flight to Turkey, and refused to drink tap water because it was ‘ugh, just full of disgusting disgusting bacteria’. I’m saying they assumed the bird was Jewish because it had horns and his wings were made out of colorful European money.

Happy 64th Birthday Israel, You Foxy Beast

The Duckman — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 17:06:50 +0000

Happy 64th Birthday Israel!

You have given us so much, how do I give back? I guess with this little bit of advice: When you shoot off fireworks, aim away from the face. Oh who am I kidding, many of you have shot giant guns and rockets. You know what to do. (This post is unintentionally sexual. So here are some photos of Bar Refaeli and Natalie Portman celebrating your birthday!)

No BDS for Park Slope Food Co-Op

The Duckman — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:54:15 +0000

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

In an unfortunate set of events, the Park Slope food co-op could not solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. This means another 7 years of bad luck for everyone in the Middle East. Damn it.

After months of debate, the food co-op put to a vote whether they should boycott Israeli products. 1005 said no. 653 said yes. Pro-Israel / Pro Hummus members of the co-op cheer. Pro-Palestinian members of the co-op continue to not buy products made in Israel. Me? I’ll probably never go to the Park Slope food co-op.

Israel Update: Hiking and the Universal Truth About Dubstep

A-Train — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 19:14:47 +0000

Hello readers! It is I, A-Train, who has never let a lack of readership diminish my over-the-top bluster.

Those of you who’ve been reading my occasional scribblings know that I am in Israel. I periodically go on various trips around this diverse and schizophrenically paced country. Over ~~Christmas~~ Hanukkah break I went hiking in the Negev desert. I walked over and past layers of chalk and earth-toned stones, up hills, down valleys, along 4×4 tracks and two-foot wide paths perilously close to hundred-foot drops.

Bad ass without a filter.

While doing this I met a broad swath of Israel’s population: Bedouins, both urbanized and less so, Arab villagers, religious Jews, and secular Jews. The one thing that unified them all was a deep love of dubstep. If that isn’t a sign of an imminent apocalypse, I don’t know what is.

Anti-Semite Alert: Israeli Religious Fanatics Compare Israel to Nazi Germany

Chicky — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 23:29:22 +0000

If this doesn’t prove that assholes come in many shapes and sizes, that you can have anti-Semitic Jews, then I don’t know what will prove it. As a new PR agent looking to be hired, I’ll give the Haredim one freebee tidbit of advice: Comparing yourselves to Jews during the Holocaust will always make you look like assholes, unless you are also being murdered via genocide.

Alright, you kooky kids! You can’t read this because it will burn your eyes out and the Devil will breathe life into you (or turn you gay, I think?), but the next one will cost ya! 75 shekel an hour.

Why do Jews love boring boardgames like bananagrams?

Chicky — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:26:58 +0000

Boardgames suck. It’s why I’ve had the Words With Friends App (for free) on my iPhone for a month now, and I’ve only completed a total of 2 games. Nobody wants to play Scrabble or Scrabble-like games. It’s boring. It’s educational. And people get angry when I guess words and beat them (only happened once, when I was drunk, I swear). You want to play Scrabble? Go sit it a cafe and play it alone while you attempt to feel up the barista.

First they made Jewish Apples for Apples, and boring Jews went wild. And now this atrocity.

I guess I’ll settle for the next best thing other than an alternative Jewish-themed game: video games like GTA, with colorful characters as the corrupt Hassidic diamond sellers. And any Simpsons videogame where Krusty is a character.

Watch this girl get hysterical when she learns Israel is called an Apartheid State by Ron Paul

Chicky — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:00:17 +0000

Everyday people learn that Ron Paul isn’t a pussy. He speaks his mind, no matter how racist, bigoted, or just controversial he may be. It’s why one day we will call him Supreme Overlord Paul, if his supporters have their way.

Regardless, this girl is freaking out waaaay too hard. If I didn’t know anything, I’d assume she was a freshman who just got her first Work Study job with Hillel. Get over it. Ron Paul hates everything except certain parts of America. This analogy isn’t new. Crying isn’t gonna solve anything.

Is this what Xmas does to people? Makes them all emotional and drippy?
Hanukkah has hardened many a young Jew’s heart.

Israel Update: Farmers Markets vs. Shuks

A-Train — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:00:28 +0000

There are few public places in the United States where both yuppies and hipsters are required to assemble. One of these places is the farmers market, in which both groups pay for ultra-local (grown 50 yards away by gorilla-gardeners in the hulk of an abandoned industrial complex), organic produce sold in little kiosks by vested earth-men and -women. Dog walking among the spacious aisles of produce only enhances the leisurely weekend experience.

In Israel, they also have fresh produce markets. They are called Shuks. The similarities between Shuks and farmers markets end there. Shuks are full of produce, fruits and exotic smells (usually of rotten organic matter, unwashed bodies, bulk items and sewage). Tiny, cramped hallways are full of people pushing and shoving to pay for cheap food. Vendors selling wares both mysterious and familiar. Taking too long to find what you’re looking for? Then surely a surly, mountainous Israeli will begin demanding that you buy something. At least it’s cheap.

It’s kinda like Black Friday, with crazed mobs surrounding every available item. The only difference is that it’s every Friday. Combat shopping at its finest.

Peace out home slices.

Apologies for the hiatus, issues like the real world kept me from writing for a while.

Tel Aviv Hipsters Don’t Want to be Drafted

Chicky — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 19:30:11 +0000

Look at this lazy Hipster, probably buying rare vinyls at an outdoor market.

People are surprised. People are pissed. Young, secular, hip kids don’t want to fight in a seemingly never-ending war with a hostile population? They’d rather get drunk, listen to rock n’ roll, and have premarital sex? That’s just crayyyyyyy.

The Tel Aviv metropolitan area and Jerusalem have extremely low rates of army enlistment, Ynet reported today. Modi’in-Maccabim-Re’ut was first on the list while Tel Aviv was 52nd and Jerusalem 62nd. Many of Jerusalem’s residents are haredim, which largely accounts for its low ranking. (via Failed Messiah)

Oh yeah, and don’t forget that all those liberal Hipsters are Palestinian sympathizers. Left wing ideologies. Probably a bunch of pussy pacifists who hate Israel and Democracy. They should all just move to New England/NYC where they can forget about God and have wild, intensive orgies.

Watch hilarious comedian Eugene Mirman discuss his Israel/Birthright experience

Chicky — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:30:42 +0000

Man. I think we can close the book on Birthright jokes. Eugene Mirman [SXSW comedian, NYC lover, Hipster Jew (question mark?)] took my stand-up comedy cherry. And he just shattered the genre of Israel/Birthright jokes. One may question why Israel-Birthright would sponsor the video, but then didn’t promote it. Or why they filmed it in the first place. Or if it is actually sponsored by Birthright, and isn’t just an elaborate ruse by Mirman on some fellow Jews. Regardless, feel free to relive your most hilarious Birthright memories in the comment section below.

Thanks Niemeyer for the link