Holy shit. The first half of this interview is hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. After watching this I don’t know how you could still hate on Gilbert Gottfried. The man is a talented artist, plain and simple. He destroys news anchors. He destroys Aflac and all the people who were upset with his Japanese Tsunami tweets. His story about Elie Wiesel? I was literally LMFAO. Gottfried, you crazy sonofabitch.

// Comics Comic

By the way, the Wikipedia entry for that movie features the most overwrought thing I’ve ever read in a Wikipedia movie summary:

They kiss. It is true love, and it conquers all: Phil is surprised as snow begins to fall, which is a departure from his recollection of the day’s events. They retire together to Phil’s room, and he wakes the next morning to find the time loop is broken; it is now February 3, and Rita is still with him! Phil is jubilant. After they go outside into the freshly-fallen snow, Phil lifts Rita over the gate as if over the threshold into a whole new life, and floats the idea of the two of them living on in Punxsutawney.

Ahahaha! For me it's only been a single day, so you're coming on WAY too strong! Ahahaha!

Anyhow, this week, after watching some of the hullabaloo surrounding the events in Punxsutawney and the town’s eponymous groundhog’s, Punxsutawney Phil, prediction, I’ve come to the conclusion that all of this is probably a huge load of bullshit.

I know, it's shocking–how can that many guys wearing top hats be wrong?

And it’s not that Phil predicted we’d have a long winter again this year, or that he has a 39% lifetime accuracy rating even considering that his lifetime has been 122 years, vastly exceeding the record setting 14 year lifespan achieved by a groundhog in captivity.

Seriously, if he's 122 then he should be riddled with tumors.

No, what convinces me that Phil is a fraud, sent here to bilk the American public out of their hard-earned hope for spring is that there are over thirty different groundhogs that make a weather prediction on February 2nd. Seriously, here’s a list. And, yes, most of them have delightfully cute alliterative names like “Balzac Billy” and “Chattanooga Chuck” but that doesn’t excuse the single fact that comes out of there being so many different groundhogs: they don’t agree with each other. In fact, by my count, Phil is in the minority, as only nine other groundhogs predicted the continuation of winter. Twenty-seven predicted an early spring.

And that puts me in a dilemma: do I trust Phil, who is the most famous groundhog celebrity, but who has a shitty accuracy rating, or do I trust someone like General Beauregard Lee, who seems to be named for two Confederate Civil War generals and yet apparently has a stunning 94% accuracy rating (but apparently dropped the ball on the 1993 Storm of the Century)?

So that’s why I’ve settled on the far more reliable methods of weather prediction available to humans living in the modern age: reading tea leaves.

Oh, "broken gate with a cross above it" in the center. Looks like it's gonna rain fire again.

*by the way, and I’ve never heard anything on this before, but I’m guessing that unless you’re Catholic or Lutheran, you probably shouldn’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day, as it’s a Saint’s Day. That just occurred to me while writing this post. Anyone who has done so is probably going to hell or whatever happens when you violate your religious precepts (that’s right, I just used “precepts.” Look it up if you have to). So, this Valentine’s Day, I refuse to buy my one true love chocolates or flowers or romance her in any way, lest I damn her immortal soul. And yes, in an unrelated note, it is looking like I’m going to be spending Valentine’s Day alone.

I know, it really has nothing to do with Hanukkah. But quite frankly, I’ve heard all the shitty Hanukkah songs. And once you get past Adam Sandler, they’re all filled with bad puns about latkes, candles, and spinning dreidels (dick joke). Atleast this parody song isn’t trying to be anything spectacular. It’s not trying to go viral, or get lots of hits, or convince Jews to stay Jewish (soooo 2000s). The best videos left on the internet are the ones that have been around since 2008 and only have a couple hundred views. Maybe, for once, let’s not keep it circumcised.

The sequel? Either Coin Operated Shabbos Goy or Coin Operated Goy Toy.

Literally couldn’t have said it better myself. If only I was a real stand up comedian like this dude. Either way, can we, as the entire Jewish people, agree on just one thing? Christmas won. Christmas will always win. Long Live Christmas Jealousy!

Sometimes young children dream big for Hanukkah, and occasionally these dreams come true. I was weaned on Hall and Oates. They’re like the two gay Dads I never had, but always wanted. Being able to call them up and have them sing to me via CallandOates hotline was pretty wonderful. But singing me faux Xmas songs? I may finally be able to throw away my Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack finally. Just another reason to celebrate Xmas over Hanukkah.

Classics such as (in order of appearance):

• It’s a White Christmas (Maneater)
• Reindeer (Rich Girl)
• Silent Night (Private Eyes)
• Santa’s Smile (Sarah Smile)
• This Baby’s the King of the Jews (You Make My Dreams Come True)
• Your Kiss [is on my Christmas List] (Kiss on my List)
• Little Drummer Boy (One on One)

Thanks Kristin for the Hanukkah present. Maybe these 8 days wont be so bad…as long as there’s a Hall and Oates gift each night.

Oh Seth Rogen! He’s beardy, hilarious, he’s a mensch who helps out charities…And sure, he smokes a little bit of weed sometimes, but I think your mother can overlook that one characteristic. She did her fair share of ‘mary jane’ back in her college days, so she can’t talk.

Anyhow, here’s Seth Rogen in a Funny or Die video for a charity event in LA, Hilarity for Charity. He is co-chairing the event along with his new Jewish wife, Lauren Miller. (Can someone say Hollywood Jewish power couple?) Atleast SOMEONE cares about their grandparents.

This latest Funny or Die Video, entitled Home for Actresses, is chock full of Jilfs/Heebras. This includes Michaela Watkins and Ellie Kemper (in my dreams). If this site hadn’t already proven that Jewish women can be hilarious, then…well…this video should solidify that for you. YAY SHEEBS!

Please buy this monopoly-spin-off board game for Ironnukah. I know there is no Santa, and I know you usually buy me only one present per year. And, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but there are totally 8 days for a reason. So that you, Jewish Santa, could outshine shitty, real Santa, and buy me 8 awesome presents. By the way….you haven’t. Ever.

But if you buy me this board game, you will totally be on my good side again, I promise.

Don’t worry. It’s really funny. It’s ironic, and it’s totally Kosher. Plus, it can be a horribly morbid and distasteful hilarious drinking game!

It’s called Pogromly. Made by some German Neo-Nazis, it’s exactly what you’d think.

So pleeeasssseeeeeeeeeeee pleeasseeee pleassseeee can you buy this for me this Ironnukah?

- luv Hipsterjew

“Hi. I’m living proof that you can get older and still be a Hipster.”

Sometimes life imitates art. Or art imitates life. I can’t remember which, but I read it on a bumper sticker once. And sometimes, you have to look at yourself and laugh. Because laughing at oneself, self-deprecation, is as old and Jewish as the Bible itself. Let us not forget Genesis 13:4, “And Adam said to Yahweh: A Shmuck like me? Getting married? Come on God. Just let me pleasure myself and leave me be.”

We at Hipsterjew live by this value. We, as Jews and Hipsters, make it our duty to tirelessly mock and parody those two subcultures. And now James Murphy is taking on this mantle as ‘Aging Hipster’.

According to the Fader, Murphy will co-star with Tim Heidecker of ‘Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job!’ in ‘The Comedy,’ a film which takes “a scathing look at the white male on the verge of collapse,” who “whiles away his days with a group of aging Brooklyn hipsters, engaging in acts of recreational cruelty and pacified boredom.” Murphy will play one of the aforementioned “aging Brooklyn hipsters.” (Spinner.com)

Movie should be premiering at the Sundance Festival in 2012.

Oh James Murphy. You truly are ever Hipster boy’s hero.

Over at Cracked.com, Robert Brockway has a pretty funny overview of Skryim‘s freedoms. One of the things he contends is that, because the game doesn’t tell you when to do what, it can leave you stranded without an objective. But I’d argue that, if you set your own objective, this is when the game hits its stride. So, what I’ve got below is my thought-log as I play a small section the game. Normally, this might be called a “Let’s Play” and involve a youtube video I narrated as I played the game, but you don’t have two hours to blow watching as I play through a game. So I’ve just typed what I was thinking.

Before I start, I want to explain a couple of things. Firstly, this wasn’t even an explicit quest by the game. This is part of a goal I set for myself. Second, all that goal was was that I wanted to mine a very specific type of ore to make a very specific type of armor so I could fight things on quests better. Thanks to the Internet, I learned that there was a small community of orcs who had a mine rich in the stuff. So I wanted to go to that mine. This is what happened:

• Fast-travel to the nearest city.
• Walk towards where I think the orcs are.
• These miners say one of the mines is overrun with bad guys. They want me to clear it out. Well, fuck that noise.
• I can never tell if I’m heading where I should be on these roads. I wish the middle ages had had better signage.
• A “pit wolf” is attacking me? What the hell is a pit wolf?
• Whatever it is, its dead now. Alex – 1, woodland creatures – 0
• Hey, a dead guy!
• Oh, it was his pit wolf…
• Whatevs, I can see the orc stronghold from here. See you round, dead guy!
• The orcs won’t let me in because I’m not an orc. (Almost everyone in this game is racist)
• Oh, they say I can get in if I bring them an item.
• Fast travel to the nearest location I’ve discovered.
• Oh, an abandoned tower. I should explore–no, no…I need to stay on task.
• Ooooo…lavender. I can put you in soup. Or a potion. *pick*
• I wonder if I can jump down this sheer cliff. It’d save me a lot of time.
• No. No, I cannot. And now I’m trapped halfway down.
• Fast travel to abandoned tower.
• I’ll go a different way.
• Cave bear! Eat mace (the crushing one, not the thing you spray on OWS protesters), Cave bear! Alex – 2, woodland creatures – 0
• I could jump down the cliff from here.
• Phew, that worked.
• Hey, another tower. I should explore…
• Badguys! With arrows! Run!
• Run! Run! Oooo…mountain flowers…*pick*…Run! Run!
• Note to self: after I get that armor, come back to that tower and kill all of those assholes.
• Hey, I can see the place the orcs wanted me to go. It’s a dungeon. I suppose I should go in.
• Look, it’s another adventurer surrounded by a bunch of dead huge spiders. What’s up dude? Orcs being racist to you to0? What? You’re leaving? You can’t handle a little giant magic spiders?
• What a pussy.
• Logic puzzle involving pulling a bunch of levers that open a series of bars. I need to get them all open at the same time. I hate this shit. I’m just gonna pull levers at random until it works. There’s only four. That means there’s only, like…let’s do some math here…24 combinations. Fuck.
• Well, that didn’t take long.
• Wow, there’s a lot of spiders in here. A lot of now dead spiders (Alex – 10, woodland creatures – 0)
• Hey, is this guy is talking to himself? He doesn’t know I’m here. It sounds like he’s experimenting on the spiders. I’ll go ask him.
• Whoops, he’s hostile. Eat mace, weirdo!
• I should loot his corpse, you know, just in case.
• He was talking to spiders, not himself. I don’t know if that makes him more or less crazy. Well, I kill these spiders, too (Alex – 13, woodland creatures – 0)
• Hey, he had the doohicky the orcs wanted. Finished that. Now how to get out of here…I’ll go this way.
• Whoops! Even bigger magic giant spiders!
• Haha, stupid spiders can’t get through the door. I’ll just shoot them with arrows from here. Alex – 15, woodland creatures – 0. When does the mercy rule kick in?
• Okay, I’m out. Fast travel to orc stronghold. No one’s guarding the door. I guess I’ll just walk in and talk to the chief.
• I know I’m not supposed to be here, orc lady. I’m trying to talk to the chief so he’ll let me be here. Please shut up.
• Hey, chief, I got–who’s screaming like that? It sounds like a cougar, but bigger.
• Shit! Dragon! Run, everyone!
• Ow! Ow! Ow! Fire! Where’s my bow? I’m gonna kill this thing.
• Haha! Die you stupid flying fire lizard!
• Oh boy, the chief caught on fire just as we killed the dragon. I hope he’s alright…no. He’s dead. I failed the quest.
• Reload the most recent save (right before I entered the stronghold)
• I’m not sure the dragon will appear again. It’s a random event. Just in case, I’ll do this all really fast. Open door, shut up lady, hey, chief–damn! Dragon!
• Goddammit, chief. You’re dead again. Why are you so goddamn flammable? Reload save.
• Okay, this time it’s just me and you, dragon. Man to ma–dragon.
• Alex – a gazillion, woodland creatures (including dragon) – 0!
• Okay, now I’ll go talk to the chief. SHUT UP, LADY. Hey, chief, found your shit. Weirdo with some spiders had it. I never learned what exactly he was up to. He’s dead now.
• Sweet, I’m now allowed into orc places. That’s cool. They just told me where the others are. I wanna go check them out!
• Fast travel!

So, even though I didn’t get my armor (eventually, I did remember why I’d wanted to join the orc society and then I got my armor. And then I went back to that tower with the assholes in it…) I still managed to have a ton of fun, including fighting a dragon–which, by the way, is a completely unscripted event for the “find thing for orcs” quest. So, yeah, Skryim. Not much more to say then “hell yeah!”