Archives For hipster-jew

I asked some of you jerk offs on Twitter to ask me some questions. I promised to be a snark and a dick back in return. You guys didn’t disappoint!

 

 

Hi Fuckie Chinster! Welcome to the internet. You must be new here, because the internet is an orgy of people who think they’re important and are convinced they invented sex. Buzzfeed, NYTimes…whatever large stupid website you’re really into doesn’t create original content. Maybe Reddit does, if ‘taking pictures and making a joke’ counts as original content! Also, if you look really really hard we have an occasional article of original content. But only some sort of art critic would claim that shitty imitations aren’t as good as the original. We’re better than the original content: Sassier, with more spelling errors, and fucked up opinions.

So to answer quickly, yes, it’s true. Or to explain with this internet shorthand I invented:
TL:DR Yes, It’s True.

 

Ah! A Shaygetz! My favorite. You could lie. It’s morally wrong, but there’s definitely worse things on the list of moral trangressions. I’d say just be yourself – and look for a Jewish girl who is ‘culturally’ Jewish. They’re the ones who won’t discriminate their love exclusively to brothers of the Tribe.

 

Good question! Manischewitz, also known in South America as ‘Jew Wine’, is made from the souls of dead grandparents. Let me tell you, those souls are sour as shit. So to make them less sour, we thrown in a pound of sugar. It’s okay, we own the sugar trade, so it costs us like 12 cents. All part of our master plan to get the entire world addicted to sugar. And to give you a horrible hangover after drinking so that you feel VERY VERY BAD. Little know fact: Jewish people have a very low rate of alcoholism. All because of Manischewitz. Manischewitz and guilt, you deadbeat.

 

 

Didn’t he? I mean…that’s not the conversation I went to get into. Let’s talk about Jesus and what we know: He was a Jew; he was a Rebel; he was a carpenter. If we didn’t kill him, someone else would have. Sure, it wasn’t the best move, but it self-preservation. Masada would happen soon. The destruction of the 2nd Temple would happen soon. The last the Israelites wanted was to be genocided. Give up one crazy guy who claimed to speak to God, and save your people.

 

Also, let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be a martyr, and Jesus played it really well. Was it sad? Yes. But would you be able to sin with premarital sex and drugs and rock and roll if He hadn’t died for you? No.

So shut up and start thanking us – we did you a favor. Christianity wouldn’t exist without us.

Follow us @hipsterjew.

Hi everyone!

It’s the summer and no one likes to be on their stupid hot computer. So we’ve decided to rebuild our website while you’re at the beach. Expect a lot of changes in the next month. Expect a lot of bad links. Expect a lot of bad design. Expect a lot of things, just don’t expect much from us.

<3 – Hipster Jew

duckman-shirt

Have you noticed recently that you haven’t laughed as much as you used to? That’s because I’ve spent the last two months being a productive member of society and couldn’t spend a few minutes each day entertaining you. But I’m back! At least for the next month (more on that later). But here’s what you missed:

I was featured on Hasid or Hipster.

Buzzfeed posted a photo of me.

I was on tv for 1/8th of a second: see crowd at Colbert Report.

Now that I’m back and ready to entertain you, I expect you to be reading this blog more often.

Well, we did it. It took 3 years but we are famous. 5,000+ likes on Facebook. We offered you all a free sticker if you signed up for our email list, and I learned that we’ve got readers who work in the weirdest of places. Sometimes I’m not sure if you’re joking or if you reaaally work there. I really hope you guys are just super creative. That’s really the only reason I have the section for “Work” on the mailing list. I don’t care where you live, I just want to read funny things. So here are my favorites that you guys put down.

  • Matzoball HQ
  • simon wiesenthal center
  • LOL
  • Camp
  • dance house and sex pavillion
  • haha, what?
  • Im fabulous
  • Loonie toonie
  • your mom
  • High School
  • BustyJew

It’s never too late to celebrate Hanukkah. Or so I was lead to believe when my family had our Hanukkah parties in February (everyone was in Boca during Dec/Jan). Better late than never to show our favorite menorah contest submissions! Thanks to everyone who participated, you will all receive something. Because you cared enough. All you other lazy pieces of shit…keep on drinking that purple drank.

burning-man-menorah
Menorah from Burning Man

startrek-pez-menorah
Can’t get enough Pez menorahs

vermont-beer-menorah
BEER MENORAHS! They always win our heart. This one is filled with Vermont made beverages.

menorah-on-bike
Bridging the gaps between Jews and Christians on bikes. Can you be any more perfect?

happy-birthday-hipsterjew

3 years ago The Duckman and Chicky started this blog. We’ve gained some Hebros and Shebros to our irreverent cause. We’ve watched Jewish parody videos die. Seen the rebirth of Hipsters and blogged about it. And we’ve done it all for you.

But we’re 3 years old now, bitches! Time to get a haircut and do some mitzvot, because that’s all that 3 year old children are good for! PBRs for some, miniature American flags for others!

Menorah made from rockets during the Gaza War

It’s that time of year again where we hand out a t-shirt and some other Hipster Jew crap to people who send their awesome Hipster Jew menorahs! You have until the last day of Hanukkah to send us your photos via email, via facebook, or via twitter. Get creative! Send in your crappy, crafty, offensive, or makeshift Hanukkah photos to win! Look below to get inspired by a few of our past contestants.



Fun Menorah

//top image via reddit

A couple weeks ago we hit 2000 posts! Look at us! 2000 posts about Jews, and Hipsters, and all things terrible and pointless. We thank you so much, here’s a meme. About Jews and cats, our favorite things.

//This Isn’t Happiness

Because I am constantly trolling the internet, I happened upon this gem that was published online about five hours ago. I am so glad that I am the one who gets to bring this to your attention.

NETFLIX (I wish Netflix was Jewish so we could just get married already) IS HOSTING A CONTEST WHEREIN 6 LUCKY LUCKY ASSHOLES GET TO HAVE A WALK ON ROLE IN THE UPCOMING 4TH SEASON.

Since I have no skills to speak of (seriously, no skills) I leave this in your incredibly creative and capable hands, HipsterJews. The name of the website is “You’re Gonna Get Some Walk-Ons.” Ha.

Show that you deserve a walk-on role by creating an original piece of Arrested Development content. Entries can be videos (less than 2 minutes), photos, artwork, essays and more.

We’re looking for entries that are the most creative, unique and relevant to the show.

My friend and I just made a pact for neither of us put in a submission because if one of us won, the other would automatically hate the winner.

I’m glad she doesn’t read my articles BECAUSE IM DOIN’ IT.