The manorexic’s preferred beer of choice.

Science is usually bullshit. Science rocks! Science recently told me that I am awesome because I don’t exercise, don’t eat, and smoke like a chimney. How so?

A lean, muscular person will be less affected by drink than someone with more body fat: Water-rich muscle tissues absorb alcohol effectively, preventing it from reaching the brain.

It’s from the internet, so it must be true!

What does this mean for you, the hipsterjew reader?

1) Jewish girls with joobies will get drunk quick.
2) Our regular scrawny hipsters will drink more than expected. Warning: Stay away from a bootleg moonshine-drinking competition.
3) Chubsters are a cheap date. You know what I’m talking about.

If you care to learn more alcohol facts, so you can be that asshole at your MOMA reception, read here.

However, even I must occasionally fight against the heavy hand of insomnia. Sometimes, even I struggle  to quiet my brain enough to doze off. So don’t worry, readers, I have you covered in these times of continuing peril. Good luck.

1. Listen to one Christmas song on loop. For three hours.
2. Hang out on your college’s shuttle. Talk to a drunk girl about her drunk problems. You both leave the bus as better people.
3. Realize that the show your roommate was watching on the couch as you worked was actually softcore porn. It will become weird when you  continue to watch it. Don’t blame the cat for why you can’t stand up and turn it off. We all know the truth (NASTY).
4. PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY! It’s not weird if you’re by yourself. Promise.
5. Ruin the hopes and dreams of all Hipster Jew reading boys and girls.  Everywhere.
6. Try making dollar bills out of origami. Or origami out of dollar bills? It’s one of those things.
7. Put your seashell collection in height order. It’s NOT WEIRD you have a seashell collection. Promise.
8. Finger paint. Actually, forget all this other stuff. Just finger paint.
9. Take all the silverware out of the kitchen and turn them into characters in a soap opera. This option is a little weird.

There’s nothing funny about cancer. Unless Aziz Ansari is making fun of Parks and Rec costar Chris Pratt (Andy), for the sake of saving someone’s life who may have cancer!

Aziz Ansari. What a pint-sized dream boat.

I’m sure you’re all tired of me talking about him by now, but I don’t care. I wish more Hipsters were like Aziz Ansari. I wish I was more like Aziz Ansari.

I wish I was Aziz Ansari. Sigh.

However, the more I reflected, the more I began to panic.  There is so much about Israel I don’t know, for example do they have PBR?  Are my favorite indie bands mainstream there?  Where can I buy vintage tees?  Are skinny jeans appropriate attire for the desert?  Will I find love?  Will I get crabs?

I have three goals while abroad:  1.  Avoid almost certain death, 2.  Remain cynical and indifferent in the face of almost certain death, and 3.  Learn to speak Hebrew.

Who cares knows, only time will tell.  Don’t worry though, I’ll continue reporting the minutia of my daily life, including periodic updates on my terrible bowel condition and the numerous dry movements it produces.  Peace out America, stay drunk and I’ll see you in 2012.

A little cliche going away music:

I am a strong, proud eater of deli meats; I like my pastrami grilled crisp on the edges soused in Russian sauce on a bed of sauerkraut in between two slices of deli rye.
So I know that this next statement is going to offend all of the one persons reading this blog: Fuck veganism.
“V” is for very fucking silly
I just started this awesome diet called “The Paleo Diet” in which the participant only eats foods that a caveman could have consumed. So no sugar, flour, or dairy; only copious amounts of animal products, vegetables/fruits and nuts. Nothing processed.
Reader, I have eaten bacon + eggs every morning for the last 6 days and have gained nary a pound. Don’t you give me any lip, baby.
This amazing diet is also hip-life approved because it demands very little exercise. Cavemen apparently were not running at fixed speeds for 35 minutes every day and then doing free-weights: they were chasing down elk, once a week or so. Also, they slept an inordinate amount, trying to conserve fat and energy for winter. Basically, this diet was MADE for those hipsters who think veganism/vegetarianism is fast on its way out.

The real reason I’m working on incurring hatred from any readers I might have, is because I am super tired of hearing hip biddies say things like this, “Oh no, I CANNOT eat that double-bacon-cheeseburger because I am a stupid vegan.”
But yes, yes you CAN. You just WON’T. It is ridiculously pretentious to think that you know better then EVERY SINGLE CIVILIZATION SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME.

Wake up, sillies.

Phew. I need a drink.

“About one in three people seeking rhinoplasty — commonly called a nose job — have signs of body dysmorphic disorder, a mental health condition in which a person has an unnatural preoccupation with slight or imagined defects in appearance.” (via Theawl)

Let’s all remember that we can’t control thousands of years of inbreeding. The only thing to do is to move on, or find a Gentile woman who has a Woody Allen fetish.

I hate all those nosebleeds I have.

Atleast I’m not Nomar.

http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/people-who-want-nose-jobs-may-be-crazy

I am not naturally one of those toothpick type hipsterladies. Do I deprive myself of food and indulge in blow-binges? Not regularly, no. Do I chain-smoke Djarum Blacks for breakfast? Only very rarely. In all actuality, it’s really a daily struggle to maintain this physique because I am one of those fat-skinnies whose childhood/teenage excesses are beginning to catch them up. However, my lifestyle (ie income) does not allow for fatty binges and keeps me toeing the line of hipsterskinny. Everyday I wake up bright and early at 11 AM and sprint down the stairs to pick through my dwindling food supplies; always hoping there will be something there that wasn’t there before. Or else that my roommates have bought fig newtons. I fucking love fig newtons.

Dern Tooten I love Fig Newtons

But I digress. When I read this article about the new hipster trend being potbellies, my hopes skyrocketed and I thought for a few blissful moments that this same hipster-potbelly-trend noted on hipstermen could eventually begin to apply to hipsterladies. Alas, I failed to note the date on which the article was posted…*cough cough* 2009.

Genetics are against me: I know exactly what I will look like naked in about 40 years. Thanks mom for NOT locking the bathroom door. Ever.

My religion is against me: Delicious Jewy food is always being proffered at every religious occasion. And my maiden aunts are always pinching my arms and telling me to, “Eat something, why don’t you.”

So maybe I will, Aunt Phyllis, maybe I will.

I’m excited for the future

I mean, clearly, it’s saying that Philadelphia is a shitty city. But anyone can agree to that. I walk the Broad Street of Philthy erryday and I will attest to it’s clear shittiness.  But the nastiness of Philly is why it’s so awesome.  People that deal with the everyday crappiness of 1) potentially getting shot, 2) trash-covered streets, and 3) mediocre public transportation, are the most badass people. WE CAN DEAL WITH ANYTHING.

Homeless guy stuffing stale Doritos down his pants and then throwing them at random passerby?

NOT A PROBLEM.

Overly-friendly stray cat that is wearing an eye-patch, has a severed tail, and is foaming at the mouth?

NOT A BIG DEAL.

Your neighborhood crack dealer getting arrested in your living room?

BUSINESS AS USUAL.

All you posers who “think” you live in a city, like lame Jew York: Pshaww, you don’t know shit. A place isn’t a real city until you feel uncomfortable living there.  Datz da roolz.

Land of the Free, Broseph

The goal: providing counseling, financial planning, employment and educational assistance, information on Jewish adoptions, rabbinic counseling and even maternity and baby clothes.

Of course, WaPo is furious that ‘the JEWS’ will not disclose how many women are referred for shmashmortions. Because, well, WaPo wants nothing more than to protect all the Jews. Of course there is no one legitimate Jewish opinion about abortion. Anyone says otherwise, about anything having to do with Judaism, is a lying bullshiter.

The organization tries to make it clear that they are working a ‘Jewish international community’ angle, hoping to to ensure that the number of Jews continue to grow and flourish. Then they make some awesome claims:

Using abortion statistics from Planned Parenthood and the 2000 National Jewish Population Survey, she estimates that Jewish women undergo some 10,000 abortions annually.

10,000 Jews a year….well that’s actually only .17% of American Jews. Which isn’t that high. And since all American Jews are wealthy, and since wealthier people are more likely to have abortions…

On a more positive note, if you are a Jewish lady and are looking for money, being a surrogate will pay you very very well. Also if you donate a few of your eggs. Enough to pay off some college loans, or that expensive cocaine
‘habit’ you developed at NYU.