Archives For Jewish Tradition

As humans, it is our right to marry whomever the heck we want. If the other person also wants to marry us. Except the gays, because that stuff is icky.

Sometimes it’s tough in the dating world because though are many fish in the sea, those bastards are slippery. But never fear, Jews-seeking-Jews, if you’re having trouble finding that special someone, or you’re just really tired of Jdate, it might be time to consider a matchmaker. The New York Times recently ran an article about a women named Tova Weinberg who has matched about 250 young Jewish couples in person and also runs a dating website, www.sawyouatsinai.com/

Tova Weinberg

Dr. Tova Weinberg, Former Dentist and Current Matchmaker

Tova had this to say about why she began pursuing her calling: “There was so much intermarriage in Pittsburgh, I felt I had to do something. I started talking to all these women’s organizations, I said. ‘Listen, I have men! My husband knows all these residents and interns. Give me your daughters, I have the boys!’ ”

Come on Tova, what’s so wrong with intermarriage? If ANYTHING, it’s better for the Jew species. Where has intermarriage gotten us, Jews? Respiratory problems, tay Sachs, Parkinson’s? There’s a whole list of diseases Ashkenazim are more prone to because that’s what happens when everyone decides to shtup their cousins. If you want to marry a Jew because you are an elitist for religious reasons, marry a Sephardic Jew because at least then you are doing your part to widen the gene pool.

I could rant for hours about Jewish elitism and how it’s destroying us from the inside out, but nobody really wants that. I could kvetch about how I wish Tova Weinberg was using her powerhouse talents to rid the world of hunger or actual dentistry.  But instead, I will leave you with this: I will not be satisfied until everyone in the world is the same color. I’m hoping it’s purple, but we’ll see what happens.

 

And here’s a video from Fiddler on the Roof because that musical is doooooope.

 

 

 

Kosher Gift Ideas

Dov —  07/09/2014 —  Comments

Are you bored of all the same old Jewish gifts you’ve been giving and receiving for the past 2000 years? Do you ever feel that if you see another Chai necklace, picture of a Dancing Hassid, or jar of ‘artisan’ pickled herring you’ll be so distraught that you’ll tell all of your relatives to start sitting shiva for you and then jump off the Williamsburg bridge?

Well then why not get something different, ya lazy shnook!  Something that commands attention! Something that people notice when they walk into your rent controlled, bug-ridden, decrepit Lower East Side tenement apartment!  Something that people will remember you by for years after you’ve suffered a long, slow, painful death from a massive ulcer!

Well for the low price of 3 dollars and fifty cents, this website has just what you need - a kosher pigeon magnet!

Cropped Pigeons

 

Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your landlord, even your grandson who complains about the odor when he visits you once a year!

(more from KosherPigeonJudaica)

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today my synagogue was having a debate between two rabbis on the jewish stance on cannabis and then the rabbi that was pro-legalization came up to me and used me as an example he said this as i stood there awkwardly high ” this right here, is the effects of marijuana he is a respectful young man that volunteers around the jewish community and he is a what you could call a pothead he is respectful of everyone here and i dont see why he cant enjoy a bowl or two as long as it doesn’t share with the younger ones” and i was just standing and thinking oh shit oh shit my family is in the crowd they are going to judge me so much but then after this debate was over they held a mock vote and my entire family voted for legalization and then i smoked a fat bowl with my uncles it was great. thanks rabbi. via Reddit

What an amazing Reddit post. Maybe it’s because I live in Vermont, but hot damn do lots of Jews love to smoke the marijuana. It’s so nice to see that somewhere there’s a synagogue which is accepting of potheads, and an entire family of Jews who will smoke some weed with you, you community-service-doing blazer. Mother and father and children, all around the Menorah, lighting the candle and a nice fat blunt with the shamash. It’s beautiful.

Your humble writer may or may not have gotten caught by his family, as a teen, smoking the marijuanica. Going to school in Vermont didn’t help stop all those really funny pothead jokes his siblings told during those post-high school Thanksgivings. Good times.

Everyone knows that lots of Chabad smoke tons of weed. With all these states legalizing (or decriminalizing) pot, when will Jews get our own version of Rastafarian Rabbis?

Maybe the Boston Chabad will be selling some hash in 2014.

Sometimes parodies could be masterfully done and hilarious funny – until they consider the culture they’re making fun of. In this case, it’s The Hunger Games meets Yom Kippur. Because it turns out that Jews are in a ‘Hunger Games’ every year; not being allowed to eat for 25 hours (oh boo hoo please complain about how much your iPhone sucks). It’s Yom Kippur. It’s boring and dreadful and probably the worst holiday Judaism has to offer.

Some people forget what the parody is about and remember Jewish history, where the biggest most fucked up ‘Hunger-Games’ scenario occurred; the Holocaust. Those people are not happy with this parody – for them it is definitely ‘Too Soon’. I’m more unhappy that this video came out yesterday…how are the culture blog pirahnas like myself going to get mega pageviews for this when I’m given ONE DAY to promote this?!?

Atone for your sins, Jon Rudnitsky. Atone for ruining this otherwise well-made parody.

Dear HJ’s,
I’m sorry I have been lax in writing recently; having just finished an undergrad degree in English literature, I have been very busy launching my degree-driven career…. in the food-service industry.

Anyway, I was recently informed that JDate’s yearly Nice-Jewish-Boy-Calendar contest is in full swing. The hopeful contestants must submit a short essay on why they are a Jewish mother’s wet dream. That’s not how JMag is marketing it, but whatevs.

Here are some examples of tasty Jewish boys who would look good in a magazine spread.
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Johnathan Lipnicki or Johnathan Lipfuckme? But really, look at that Jew-tat. Yum. Except for the muscles. Which are gross.
Or maybe the sexy, bearded Youtube chefs The Brothers Green?

Cook that meat boys, cook that meat.

To extrapolate further on what kind of man should win this contest if I was running this bitch, I made an outline. Because I am was an English major. Womp.

My Perfect Jewish Man
A) Thou shalt look dirty and be clean.
1.Thou shalt not shave all of your neck-beard so that it looks like a chin-strap.
2. Thou must never completely shave all of your body hair because ew. You’re Jewish. Get over it.
B) Thou must make more money than I.
1. Nu, so I’m old-fashioned?
2. I can’t explain this in any way that is agreeable to what I know to be a progressive feminist following. So I won’t even go there.
C) Thou must have 1+ tattoos.
1. But still shake Abba’s hand and make Mother blush.
2. Be offended by skinny-jeans but wear them regardless.
D) Be religious
1. But in a sexy, let’s-raise-the-kids-Jewish-but-slack-on-fast-days kind of way.
2. Be Orthodox when it’s my time of the month and DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME GODDAMMIT

Be mindful of all my mitzvot criteria, and fulfill them, so shall I consecrate myself to my vibrator….etc etc etc.

<3
-MM

I realize that I just wrote what is, in essence, a personal ad…
Haters gon’ hate.

Jew in a Box in a Museum

Chicky —  04/01/2013 —  Comments

Jew_IN_a_Box

Jew in a Box. It’s now a thing, exclusively in Germany (for now). The Jewish Museum of Berlin has invited a local Jew to sit in a box and answer questions for anyone. Although some pessimists may point out that people who don’t care about Jewish people are Jewish history will stay the fuck away from this museum (maybe put it in a modern art museum, or just on a busy street corner).

“A lot of our visitors don’t know any Jews and have questions they want to ask,” museum official Tina Luedecke said. “With this exhibition we offer an opportunity for those people to know more about Jews and Jewish life.”

Now some of you may mistaken this for Hitler’s dream museum, a Jewish museum dedicated to the history of the (hypothetically annihilated) Jews. This is not it.

Some of you may have gone to a zoo once and seen a monkey sitting in a cage, throwing poo at other monkeys. As far as I can tell, this is not it.

Maybe the glass box is for his own protection? “Fool me once…”

Now, if you really cared you could just search the internet to find answers about Jews. Or you could email a Jewish website (like us!) and be like ‘yo, tell me about Jews, do you have horns?’ People don’t need to gawk or even worse talk to Jews to learn about them! They definitely don’t need Jewish friends. That’s not the best way to learn about these strange ancient Hebrews.

Clearly this is a present to the German people, a la Dick in a Box.

On a side note, I’m working on some erotica fiction called ‘Jew in a Box’. It will be about a Jewish man who finds a nice shiksa girl.

//Gawker

orthodox_sex_therapist_122112_620pxbAuthor/Rabbi David Ribner is an honest-to-goodness mensch. He has singlehandedly introduced sex into the Ultra-Orthodox community world-wide. As official Hipster Jew Sex Article Panderer, I will tell you all about it.
Because of the taboo nature of sex within the Ultra-Orthodox community, couples basically are given a brief rundown before they are thrown into bed together. Forever. The “hole in the sheet” thing that us heathens Reform/Conservative Yids have propagated isn’t accurate any more, but it’s close enough to the truth. The bride and groom are lucky if they get stick figures drawn for them. That’s where Rabbi David Ribner comes in with his new sex book entitled: “A Time to Love: The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy.”
It is the only one of it’s kind, says the article, but I found a few others:
koshersutra_small
hole_in_the_sheet_evelyn_kayes
51TKWQ84QBL._SL500_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-big,TopRight,35,-73_OU01_SS500_
That last one might be a tad out of place.
No but REALLY this book is unique, BECAUSE, in the back of the book is a secret envelope with a sexy little warning messages about the sexy contents of the secret envelope. Inside of this filthy little envelope are extremely explicit and borderline pornographic simple drawings of sexual positions. The ‘lope only contains three drawings, because really, what more do you need?
393855_Periodic-Table-of-Sex
They should just include one of these bad boys in the back pocket of the sex book
But really though, these illustrations are crucial because the Ultra Orthodox don’t watch TV/Netflix/Porn so how could they POSSIBLY know where to put their arms and legs during “sex.”
As always, someone left a dumbfuck comment on the source article, here for your reading pleasure:

And these are the same people suppressing and claiming dominance over the Palestinians??
May Yahweh help them and give more guidance. They need to re-read Genesis and see how Abraham got it on w/ both his wife and his slave…how Isaac and Ishmael each became founders of great religions. Hopefully, the readers will encounter lots of ‘begats and begats’ in their journey.

Have fun with this wealth of wisdom, you poor bastards.

People have pooped since Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. That was our punishment. And then, to punish ourselves more, Jews decided that matzah had to constipate you. How else will you know how Jews felt leaving Egypt if we aren’t hurting for 8 days? For your enjoyment I’ve compiled a list of Jews throughout history who had to deal with the dangers and pain of Passover Constipation.

1. Obama 2010

Obama seder 2010

Everyone knows Obama hates Isreal and the Jews. But did you know he hates the Jews so much that he’s willing to spend a whole evening with them every year? And that he punishes himself for being there by stuffing his face with matzah? What a self-hating Jew-hater if I ever saw one.

2. First Women’s Seder San Diego 1979

first_womens_seder_san_diego_1979

Lots of men like to think that women don’t fart or poop. And while these men are wrong, a group of feminists in San Diego in 1979 decided to prove these chauvinists correct. They celebrated a meal all by themselves, and didn’t even fart once. Hippies.

3. Israeli Kibbutz, 1950s

kibbutz-seder-1950s

Nothing shows how much you love mother Israel than cramming little Jewish crackers into your mouth with every person you know within a five mile radius. If you look closely, a lot of men have their hands over their mouths. It’s because they’re nearly vomiting with love for Israel. Zionists.

4. Berlin, 1946

berlin_seder_1946

In an unequivocal ‘fuck you’ to Nazis and Germany in 1946, a group of German Jews (some are Holocaust survivors) are lighting candles, eating matzah, and not pooping. If I was a Rabbi (clearly, I’m not) I’d say that Holocaust survivors wouldn’t have to eat matzah, especially in old age, because holy shit they’ve suffered enough.

5. France, WWILandscapeWhat do you give to a ton of American Jewish soldiers who survived the 4 years and millions dead of WWI while in France? Well clearly you make them eat matzah. This was 1919, damnit, and men weren’t meant to be coddled. Also, what’s PTSD?

6. 1910 Duluth, Minnesota

minnesota_seder_1910

I still don’t believe that Jews live in Minnesota, or that they’d live there in 1910 (ew why?), but this picture proves otherwise. Just a small family in a seder photo-op. Little did those children know that they’d be doing this every. Year. Until. They. Died.

7. 1800s Ukraine

1800s_ukranian_seder
Little known facts about Jews in the 1800s in Ukraine: They hated popping for 8 days. They also dressed like pimps, had oval heads, and enjoyed obscene head accessories. Also, judging from my ruler, they were all about an inch and a half tall.

8. Barcelona, 1350

barcelona_seder_1400s

Little known fact: This painting was made by a Jewish art school drop out. In fact, it was a Jew who started the Renaissance in Spain, with this painting. He was quickly excommunicated from the community, with his father yelling, ‘MY SON WILL NOT BE AN ENTERTAINER!’

9. The Last Supper, 33 AD

The Last Supper - Da Vinci 1495-98

Jesus died for your sins. He also died for the taste of matzah. In the New Testament, Jesus was given the chance to escape the Romans and gtfo. He tried, but only got a mile away before complaining about how badly it hurt to walk. Some scholars believe it was the matzah that killed him, and not the whole crucifixion thing.

A Bar Mitzvah is the celebration for boys who become men. It is also a stepping stone for many great DJs and performers. From Paul Rudd to the guy who spins at the Veteran’s Memorial, a lot of people in show biz used Bar Mitzvahs as a stepping stone to get where they are. Including rappers.

Then you have your sell outs. The guys who made it big, but still do the occasional Bar Mitzvah for a relative few extra dollars. Complex compiled a list of these rappers.

Drake (2011) under-bid Kanye West to get the Bar Mitzvah gig for the son of former NBC chairman, Jeff Zucker. Some might assume Drake wanted this gig to do research for his own Bar Mitzvah, but probably because he wanted to be on SNL. (5 months after performing for the Bar Mitzvah, he was performing on SNL.. BOOM)

A Bar Mitzvah in Canada? Of course Drake was there! Wait he wasn’t? It was Flo Rida (2011)? Weird…

TI-barmitzvah

While TI (2009) did embarrassingly perform at a Bar Mitzvah, at least he can say a fight broke out. Although this doesn’t erase the fact that TI performed at a Bar Mitzvah.


Snoop Dogg
(2007) was shocked to see little white Jewish kids singing all the dirty lyrics to his songs. Little did Snoop know that rich white 12-13 year old Jews are his biggest fans.

I performed at a bar mitzvah. And I’m telling you, man, these little motherfuckers, they were singing my shit, they was cussin’, they were singing the dirty version. I’m talking about twelve- and thirteen-year-old little white kids singin’ this real gangsta shit. Man. I was shocked. I just gave them the mic and let them motherfuckers go. // Esquire

50centbatmitzvah

50 Cent (2005) tried to keep his image even though he was performing at a Bat Mitzvah. He tried so hard to block any chance of someone taking a photo of him. Too bad. Gangsta’ indeed.

jarule-batmitzvah
Ja Rule (2005) performed at a Bat Mitzvah. And all I can wonder is why the hell were Oompa Loompas there too. Ja Rule you clown.

D12 (sans Eminem)(2001) were invited to a Bar Mitzvah in Detroit by a self proclaimed HUGE D12 fan. Unfortunately they did not perform, even a clean version of one of their songs. But I’m sure they noshed a lot.

Ja Rule’s once said,  ‘every thug needs a lady’. But maybe he should have said, ‘every thug needs a wealthy Jew to bankroll a Bar Mitzvah gig’.

israelweedflag

Previously we told you that you shouldn’t smoke weed on Purim. Now we have to inform you that smoking weed on Passover might be against your customs too. The pro-marijuana party in Israel has declared that you should not smoke weed on Passover. Why? Because of hemp seeds, silly. Hemp is said to be kitniyot by some rabbis, so many people are not allowed to be in possession of it during Passover. Since marijuana is the sister plant of hemp, it’s probably best to stay away from it. Just to be safe from pissing off your crazy rabbis who still hold ancient customs made for people whom never learned how to store their grain and corn in two different rooms.

If you don’t eat kitniyot on Passover, you should ask your rabbi if you can have hemp seed oil. If he says no, you better get rid of all of your pot. You can smoke it before you go through and clean your entire house of bread crumbs. You can burn a little the day before Passover when you burn all of your chometz. And if you have any left over, you can just sell it to a non Jewish friend you know doesn’t smoke for the duration of the week.

We are looking out for you and your marijuana habits.

UPDATE: As many people have pointed out, you actually do not have to sell your weed and can keep it in your house. Selling chometz does not apply to kitniyot. The other issue being brought up is that the leafs you smoke are not kitniyot, but rather the seeds. And we all know you don’t smoke pot seeds. So in reality, weed might not be an issue at all! But you should still ask your rabbi… or don’t just in case he is a hard ass.