People have pooped since Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. That was our punishment. And then, to punish ourselves more, Jews decided that matzah had to constipate you. How else will you know how Jews felt leaving Egypt if we aren’t hurting for 8 days? For your enjoyment I’ve compiled a list of Jews throughout history who had to deal with the dangers and pain of Passover Constipation.
1. Obama 2010
Everyone knows Obama hates Isreal and the Jews. But did you know he hates the Jews so much that he’s willing to spend a whole evening with them every year? And that he punishes himself for being there by stuffing his face with matzah? What a self-hating Jew-hater if I ever saw one.
2. First Women’s Seder San Diego 1979
Lots of men like to think that women don’t fart or poop. And while these men are wrong, a group of feminists in San Diego in 1979 decided to prove these chauvinists correct. They celebrated a meal all by themselves, and didn’t even fart once. Hippies.
3. Israeli Kibbutz, 1950s
Nothing shows how much you love mother Israel than cramming little Jewish crackers into your mouth with every person you know within a five mile radius. If you look closely, a lot of men have their hands over their mouths. It’s because they’re nearly vomiting with love for Israel. Zionists.
4. Berlin, 1946
In an unequivocal ‘fuck you’ to Nazis and Germany in 1946, a group of German Jews (some are Holocaust survivors) are lighting candles, eating matzah, and not pooping. If I was a Rabbi (clearly, I’m not) I’d say that Holocaust survivors wouldn’t have to eat matzah, especially in old age, because holy shit they’ve suffered enough.
5. France, WWIWhat do you give to a ton of American Jewish soldiers who survived the 4 years and millions dead of WWI while in France? Well clearly you make them eat matzah. This was 1919, damnit, and men weren’t meant to be coddled. Also, what’s PTSD?
6. 1910 Duluth, Minnesota
I still don’t believe that Jews live in Minnesota, or that they’d live there in 1910 (ew why?), but this picture proves otherwise. Just a small family in a seder photo-op. Little did those children know that they’d be doing this every. Year. Until. They. Died.
7. 1800s Ukraine
Little known facts about Jews in the 1800s in Ukraine: They hated popping for 8 days. They also dressed like pimps, had oval heads, and enjoyed obscene head accessories. Also, judging from my ruler, they were all about an inch and a half tall.
8. Barcelona, 1350
Little known fact: This painting was made by a Jewish art school drop out. In fact, it was a Jew who started the Renaissance in Spain, with this painting. He was quickly excommunicated from the community, with his father yelling, ‘MY SON WILL NOT BE AN ENTERTAINER!’
9. The Last Supper, 33 AD
Jesus died for your sins. He also died for the taste of matzah. In the New Testament, Jesus was given the chance to escape the Romans and gtfo. He tried, but only got a mile away before complaining about how badly it hurt to walk. Some scholars believe it was the matzah that killed him, and not the whole crucifixion thing.