Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree
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Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.
First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and
doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.
The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.
See, everything has its purpose.
The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”
Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.
So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?
Zach Braff has teamed up with Yeshiva University to wish you a Happy Purim. Although we’re a month early, I guess YU couldn’t hold onto this for that long. I know Zach Braff might seem like a weird choice for a school like Yeshiva University to have advertise for them. But I think this was a great move. I mean, the only people I know that still binge watch their Scrubs DVDs are Yeshiva University students. And the only people I know that actually loved Garden State are Yeshiva University students. Yay school spirit!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Heebsters and Sheebsters, your favorite Jewish holiday is upon us!
Tu B’shevat! What is Tu B’shevat, our more goyish readers may wonder? Think of Rosh HaShanah, but for trees. Or Israeli Arbor Day. Or at my house, whatever day of the year my lovely shiksa mother would wake the family bright and early to pull weeds on the farm.
But let’s be real, this is just another Jewish holiday you can use in your constant quest to skip out on work. Good job, using your religion to your advantage as your forefathers did before you! This Tu B’shevat, as you sit on your couch smoking tree in celebration of the trees, consider watching these **tree-related movies.
What else are you going to do? Plant a tree in the Holy Land? Please.
1. The Happening: (Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel)
The best way to commemorate the Earth is to remind ourselves that if we keep messing with Her she and all her plant friends are going to give off a noxious gas and kill us all. This movie is also shot partially in Philadelphia. Which I’m told is the best city in the world for filmmaking because of the amazing local crew opportunities you can find as well as the tax credit incentives. Thanks M. Night!
2. The Two Towers: (Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, various ensemble cast)
This movie is admittedly very long. But there are talking trees. And New Zealand is really beautiful. So why the hell not?
3. The FernGully Trilogy:
Not familiar with the FernGully trilogy? It all started with FernGully in 1992. In FernGully (Pochahantas/Avatar), Zak (John Smith/Jake Sully), a free thinker involved with an evil logging company (Virgina Company, Earth Soldier dudes), meets his indigenous fairy soulmate: Crysta (Pochahantas/Neytiri). With the help of his animal sidekick Robin Williams the bat, Zak wins over Crysta’s tribe of tree fairies (Native American/Na’vi). You can watch all of them or just one. You might even consider watching them all at once on three different screens.
4. Tree of Life: (Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Jessica Chastain)
I still don’t really understand what happened in this film. Not that I watched it. Or that I ever will. But then again, I might someday. I like Brad Pitt a whole lot. Who doesn’t? Come at me Tyler Durden, amiright?
5. Evil Dead (Bruce Campbell)
In this 1981 Sam Raimi classic, a chick gets RAPED by a TREE. It is horrible and hilarious and icky all at once. Not to slut shame, but that’ll teach her to ever read ancient creepy texts out loud. It’s called the Book of the Dead, come on, people. But rape is never OK. Especially if trees are doing it.
Bonus Short: (The Giving Tree)
An actual animated narration of The Giving Tree is all up on The Youtubes. For those of you who didn’t have proper childhoods, The Giving Tree is the beautiful story of a tree that gave everything she had for the little boy she loved as he grew into a man. For such a small tree she sure had a lot of wood.
**films may not be on Netflix. G-d help us all.
Happy New Year, Trees! Look at you, growing up so fast. May we all celebrate Tu B’shvat by taking down the fruit you spent months producing, then drying them for months thus ruining them forever. We love you.
Hugs. Kisses. Please don’t kill us all by releasing suicidal spores into the air.
Our friends, talented musicians Sophia Cacciola and Michael J. Epstein, have written a new song called Eight More Days of Hanukkah. Because unlike Passover, Hanukkah is a holiday everyone can enjoy. Let’s see how you actually feel, though, after the 8 days are all done.
Columbus sailed the ocean blue, 8 more days of Hanukkah.
George Washington always told the truth, 8 more days of Hanukkah.
The Pilgrims landed on Plymouth rock, 8 more days of Hanukkah.
The Declaration was signed by John Hancock, 8 more days of Hanukkah.
Dear hipster jew,
can i replace latkes with french fries? im a single bro, living with other bros, and i dont wanna cook. latkes seem like a ton of work! can i just throw some frozen french fries in the oven, or even better just go buy some fries at my local pub? thanks,
french fry fiend
Dear French Fry Fiend,
Don’t get me wrong, french fries are good! And if you’re that much of a lazy piece of shit, I say eat so many french fries until you barf! And if you need some motivation, I DARE you to do it. Because that’s a good stereotype for bros, being unable to step down from a challenge. Okay?
Alright. Is he gone? Good. I wanna talk to everyone else for a second.
What type of asshole chooses french fries over latkes? Why would you not make some frozen hash browns instead? Hell, add some hash to your hash browns and then you’ll have the best Hanukkah ever. But french fries? That’s neither American NOR Jewish, atleast not when it comes to our greatest cultural holidays. Next you’ll eat a Turkey sandwich with a dinner roll and call it a Thanksgivukkah meal?
It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake. Let’s have SOME dignity here.
Dear Hipster Jew,
Both of my boyfriends got me the same Hanukkah present, the latest Maccabeats CD. They don’t even know the other person exists! Am I that predictable? And what I am supposed to do with two copies?
J.A.P, Jewish American Playa
Yes, you are predictable. I’m sure both boyfriends assume you are cheating on them, but they’d prefer to live in a fairy tale land. Also, you give good head, so they’re not gonna complain (yet!). And the ‘trickle down economy’ of your dad’s money isn’t hurting either. I’d say accept the two gifts and just be glad these two haven’t run into each other at a bar and played Jewish Geography, or friended the other one on Facebook.
As for your double Maccabeats album, this is an easy one. Give one to your parents! They’ll think you’re really into being Jewish, and if you’ve played your cards right they only know about the Jewish decoy boyfriend anyway. Nothing like getting points with your parents without even having to spend their money on them!
If you have any other terrible questions you need answered terribly, please email us info [at] hipsterjew [dot] com.
The Jewish holidays bring out the worst in people. Particularly, holiday-related videos. These two below are pretty wonderful, in their own ridiculous, terrible way.
(Thanks Wendy Warrelmann!)
This video is all about the ‘boss’ CCCCCCHanukkah parties that could be had in the early 90s. It’s confusing and more importantly terrible. But everyone knows terrible is code for awesome. Therefore, this video is awesome.
(Thanks Mike Pecoriello!)
This video is great for how terribly it is sung. It’s like being back at synagogue but only all the old people are allowed to sing. Off key. And they’re allowed to change the words to songs and make them old person ‘funny’.
If you start running out of conversation while visiting family, just put up these two videos and slowly back out of the room. You know where you weed/alcohol/shroom stash is.
Eat your fahkin hawts out, Boston, because your mayor has officially declared November 28th, 2013 to be Thanksgivukkah.
Gobble gobble, motherfuckers. Now I’ll have to defriend all my Facebook friends who are Jews from the Boston area, because I’ve heard enough about Thanksgivukkah for the next 2 billion years. JK, I already defriended all of you years ago!