Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?
I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?
Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.
I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!
Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.
Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?