Archives For Jewish Holiday

Look, I’m not a good Jew. I mean, I’m probably in the top 20%, because I haven’t committed fraud or covered up any sexual assault. But I don’t go to shul or the time or really think about doing anything Jewish, unless making self-deprecating Jew-jokes about yourself counts. Also, I teach kids, so I mean that automatically makes me a good person, if not a good Jewish person.

My point being, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go on a lavish retreat for a week during Passover. I’m pretty sure when you spend 1/3 of my annual salary so you can bro out in a warm climate, use a jetpack or go to a trampoline park. This is definitely not in the spirit of Passover – not pooping regularly and being wine drunk like it’s your job (if you work at a Hillel this is probably written into the job description).

Starting Friday, Lerer, who’s an Orthodox Jew, will join 1,000 other movers and shakers at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, Calif. — situated on 172 acres, with a private beach, luxury spa and championship golf course — for the weeklong holiday celebrating the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery.

Look, I know how terrible Passover can be. I’ve done it. Many a year. The Matzah gets tiring. The lack of delicious, delicious beer slowly destroy your soul…unless you’re not an alcoholic, in which case…do you celebrate Passover successfully? I’d love to hear how, because I don’t believe you. What happened to good old fashioned Passover week-long orgy in the woods with some fun psychedelics? What I’m trying to say is, can’t you just move Passover to whenever Burning Man is and bro out there?

Or as expensive — prices start at $11,000 per person for an ocean-view room with butler service for the eight-day festival. That doesn’t include starry add-on amenities such as a recording session with Ariana Grande ($3,800 per person) and a meet-and-greet with Kylie and Kendall Jenner ($2,200) — both available last year.

Ugh. I change my mind. You deserve to waste your money like this. And here I thought I couldn’t hate anything having to do with Passover any more than I already do.

“It’s the best of the Catskills, but elegantly on steroids,” says the 61-year-old from the Upper West Side, who enjoyed a morning shvitz in the spa. “It was beautiful.”

Your parents and grandparents are rolling in their graves. The Catskills was about refined, demure tastes. Where’s Occupy Judaism when you need them? Read the link below if you don’t mind your blood boiling while you eat over-priced Matzah in your over-priced apartment while you try to forget how many of your student loans could be paid off with one ticket to Passover Paradise.

Last year we were slaves, next year may we be free (to throw away money, without an angry mob rightfully taking our heads).

//NYPOST

Uhoh, Demi-Jews, 2015 is a weird year for us. The year 2014,we did some serious holiday mixing. A little Thanksgiving, a little Hannukka; it was bizarre but it didn’t hurt anybody. That sort of holiday mixing is OK because the whole thing ended in cranberry applesauce and Manischewitz-brined turkeys. And who doesn’t like turkey? (Stand down, vegetarians)

But this year is going to be a little different. For those of us who’ve got one parent who worships the Zombie Jesus and one parent who worships the elitism of The People, this year we’ve got quite the conundrum. This year, the first days of the Jewish Passover is also the end of Holy Week. Which for those of you lil Jews who don’t get Christianity, Holy Week begins on Palm Sunday in remembrance of the day everyone was like “Yo Jesus, you’re so great let’s wave palm branches at you” and ends with Easter weekend when Jesus was betrayed at a biblical-age Seder, died for everybody’s sins and then rose from the grave in an attempt to find braiiiiiins.

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 Why must you leave, Jon, why?

What does one do when Poppa Goy wants you to attend Good Friday service with the Gentile side of your family, but Mamma Yid wants you to attend a Seder at Auntie Mim’s house with all your Jewy relatives? Your options are very different, but both promising. Good Friday, though completely smothered with lots of sad organ music is actually not that much of a waste of time. For some reason, the story of Jesus getting betrayed by his disciple, Judas, really puts the whole thing where your ex-best friend Cecily made out with that dreamboat Coffee Shop Dan and you were simply heartbroken in some serious perspective. On the other hand (cue Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof), who doesn’t like eating a crap-ton of delicious brisket or lamb or whatever Auntie Mim decided to slow roast in her crock pot for three days at a Seder (SO TENDER!)? This, my friends, is a toughie.

I want to tell you that you can do both. “Don’t worry fellow half-breeds”, I want to triumphantly shout, “Luckily Harry Potter is letting us borrow his time turner because Daniel Radcliffe is a haflie just like us so you can manage to please both sides of your family!”

But. I can’t. Because even if you could attend them all: every Seder that every single aunt and uncle is holding, all the Easter egg hunts your second cousins’ insist you mediate because you were a camp lifeguard that one summer, all the matzah and Easter ham you can stuff in your belly, you still can’t please everybody. The Gentile side will always be concerned for your immortal soul and the Jewish side will always be concerned that if you don’t marry a nice Jewish boy/girl you’ll die in a goyish poverty.

The bottom line, stop trying to please everybody. Pleasing your whole family is an Afikoman you will never find. If anything, the message for you this Holy Week/Passover two weeks is to just do you. Take your own Afikoman, dip it in and dark chocolate and hide it wherever you damn well please. But make sure it’s not somewhere the dog can reach because as we all know, dark chocolate isn’t great for pups’ digestive tracts. Take an extra shift at work instead of attending either event, then take the guilt from that and shove it up your own ass (this is the price of guilt, my friends) This life lesson brought to you by the often-unavailable Schlitz Lipz for all of you: half Jews, full Jews, Jew-bangers, Jew-wannabe-bangers. Christians, non-Christians, lambs up for the Passover slaughter, pigs up for the Easter ham, everybody.

And remember, Obama is the anti-Christ Lizard G-d who’s going to destroy the world in about two weeks, so none of this junk matters anyway.

Hey guys! If you’re thinking about making a last minute Purim costume, let me remind you that racism is bad. mmmkay? Not that you have to tolerant of others, just don’t be that asshole that wears black face or one of the many Aryan groups. Keep it sane. Keep it sexy. But don’t make it trashy.

Thanks. Bye.

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Tu B’Shvat is here ladies and Jewntelmen, and it has us all asking the same question: “Seriously? In February?”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a holiday that comes with a three drink minimum and free fruit salad as much as the next guy, but as I write this article during a freaking blizzard, I feel compelled to say the placement of the New Year of the Trees is straight-up baffling. For our non-Jewish friends, Tu B’Shvat is maybe the 9th or 10th most important Jewish holiday (just above Purim and the 4th day of Shiva), and it celebrates trees, and it’s in the middle of the freaking winter. What??

Sure, it makes sense in Israel, where it’s hot all the time, but there are a shitload of Jews currently freezing our asses off. And I know it’s a biblical holiday, but none of us are biblical Jews. For a diaspora people that have managed to adapt to environments like a pious iguana (I’m looking at you, Yiddish), aren’t we being a bit stubborn about celebrating our tree holiday at a time when all the trees are technically dead?

I’m not saying cancel the holiday, just move it. How about Tu B’Iyar? It could hang out with Lag Ba’omer and cancel out Yom Hazikaron.

Written By Eric Dreiblatt

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.

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Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

Celebrate every night of Hanukkah by taking a few hits on this Menorah Bong. I am sure that this still counts as lighting for the night, right? Must be kosher to light up! I would go as far as to say this should be the only was we light our menorahs. If Hanukkah wasn’t already the official holiday for Jewish potheads

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Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.

First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.

The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.

See, everything has its purpose.

The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”

Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.

So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?

Zach Braff has teamed up with Yeshiva University to wish you a Happy Purim. Although we’re a month early, I guess YU couldn’t hold onto this for that long. I know Zach Braff might seem like a weird choice for a school like Yeshiva University to have advertise for them. But I think this was a great move. I mean, the only people I know that still binge watch their Scrubs DVDs are Yeshiva University students. And the only people I know that actually loved Garden State are Yeshiva University students. Yay school spirit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Heebsters and Sheebsters, your favorite Jewish holiday is upon us!

Tu B’shevat! What is Tu B’shevat, our more goyish readers may wonder? Think of Rosh HaShanah, but for trees. Or Israeli Arbor Day. Or at my house, whatever day of the year my lovely shiksa mother would wake the family bright and early to pull weeds on the farm.

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But let’s be real, this is just another Jewish holiday you can use in your constant quest to skip out on work. Good job, using your religion to your advantage as your forefathers did before you! This Tu B’shevat, as you sit on your couch smoking tree in celebration of the trees, consider watching these **tree-related movies.

What else are you going to do? Plant a tree in the Holy Land? Please.

 1. The Happening: (Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel)

The best way to commemorate the Earth is to remind ourselves that if we keep messing with Her she and all her plant friends are going to give off a noxious gas and kill us all. This movie is also shot partially in Philadelphia. Which I’m told is the best city in the world for filmmaking because of the amazing local crew opportunities you can find as well as the tax credit incentives. Thanks M. Night!

2. The Two Towers: (Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, various ensemble cast)

This movie is admittedly very long. But there are talking trees. And New Zealand is really beautiful. So why the hell not?

3. The FernGully Trilogy:

 Not familiar with the FernGully trilogy?  It all started with FernGully in 1992. In FernGully (Pochahantas/Avatar), Zak (John Smith/Jake Sully), a free thinker involved with an evil logging company (Virgina Company, Earth Soldier dudes), meets his indigenous fairy soulmate: Crysta (Pochahantas/Neytiri). With the help of his animal sidekick Robin Williams the bat, Zak wins over Crysta’s tribe of tree fairies (Native American/Na’vi). You can watch all of them or just one. You might even consider watching them all at once on three different screens.

4. Tree of Life: (Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Jessica Chastain)

I still don’t really understand what happened in this film. Not that I watched it. Or that I ever will. But then again, I might someday. I like Brad Pitt a whole lot. Who doesn’t? Come at me Tyler Durden, amiright?

5. Evil Dead (Bruce Campbell)

In this 1981 Sam Raimi classic, a chick gets RAPED by a TREE. It is horrible and hilarious and icky all at once. Not to slut shame, but that’ll teach her to ever read ancient creepy texts out loud. It’s called the Book of the Dead, come on, people. But rape is never OK. Especially if trees are doing it.

Bonus Short: (The Giving Tree)

An actual animated narration of The Giving Tree  is all up on The Youtubes. For those of you who didn’t have proper childhoods, The Giving Tree is the beautiful story of a tree that gave everything she had for the little boy she loved as he grew into a man. For such a small tree she sure had a lot of wood.

**films may not be on Netflix. G-d help us all.