Archives For Israel

The Israeli occupation makes it impossible to buy drugs. Well, at least this fake Vice documentary by The Onion says so. Why does Israel have to be so mean? And why is The Onion so on point in their criticism of craptacular Vice documentaries? Seriously. Did anyone see the Vice Ebola documentary? It was pretty good. But I’m sure you didn’t see the other Vice Ebola documentary where all they did was run away from people selling monkey meat. I know Vice is trying to take an alt look at things and get into places no one else will go (See North Korea and ISIS) but holy hell most of their library is crap.

Anyways. Does anyone know of a good weed guy in Israel who won’t rip off tourists? I’m asking for all of our readers.


Israel’s interior minister’s wife Judy Mozes tweeted this wonderful racist joke today. This will do great things for Israel’s image around the world I am sure. I mean… at one point Judy was working with the United Nations Children’s Fund, yet she still couldn’t spell out the word ‘YOU’. I know that

Do u know what Obama Coffee is? Black and weak

is not 140 characters. And what’s the deal with “Coffee” being capitalized? Also, why use punctuation for one sentence but not the other? You can clearly see she did not think this through before posting.

And hey, and as long as there are people who won’t think before they tweet, I won’t proofread before I post.

This Land is Mine is a beautiful / terrifying depiction of the last 6000 years in the land of Canaan / Israel / Palestine. Millennia after Millennia of war and death over the small piece of land many have called their rightful home.

The list of participating parties:

Early Man
Hebrew Priest
Arab Caliph
Mamluk of Egypt
Ottoman Turk
European Jew/Zionist
State of Israel
Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
The Angel of Death

As this video shows, it’s impossible to please people on this subject. There is a reason why we don’t talk much about the Israel-Palestinian conflict. No matter what we say, most people will yell at us for either not caring about dead children, or supporting a terrorist group, or not mentioning something that’s hardly important. The entire war is a PR battle and we really don’t feel like pushing either side’s press release.

If you really want our opinion, it’s this: Cut the shit everyone.

This is kind of funny. It’s not hilariously funny, because it’s too full of itself. Ever listen to Bill Maher? His head is so far up his self-righteous ass, it’s impossible to laugh with him. No self-deprecation. Just a political comedian who thinks everything he says is from Socrates’ own pederast mouth.

It’s the same with this BBC video. I totally get the joke they are going for – what if Israel tried to grab land everywhere it had a presence. It’s entertaining, and I like when one of them calls a police officer anti-Semitic. That’s always a good one. Otherwise, it may have been funnier if it was the same premise but using a different country? Like one that nobody would expect to start land-grabbing. Lichenstein. Clearly.

Funny? Not funny? Anti-Semitic?

//Times of Isreal

Woody Allen has recently given a spiel on Israel, and religion, and anti-semitism. I read the lines he was quoted in with his sweet lil neurotic voice, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.


Viva Uncle Woody.

I mean like unless he’s a child a rapist and therefore a bad person like the internet believes. But even then…I just can’t quit you Woody Allen.


An online encounter can be anything these days. It can be anonymous, but increasingly this is becoming more and more infrequent. More likely our online doings are public and end up revealing something about you to people you know, or are simply broadcast into what we perceive to be an electronic vacuum. But be cautious: someone is always watching. I say that to warn off the guy I played NBA Jam against earlier, he of the Israeli flag background and the violent right bumper spam maneuver. Now every corporation in the world knows that you are the equivalent of the kid who would spam the same one move in fighting games over and over again to extract a long, joyless win from an increasingly unenthusiastic opponent. Congratulations, I hope you feel accomplished over how fast you can twitch your right index finger for seven minutes.

Maybe some background is in order: Back in February, I was waiting by the train station to Damen when I spotted someone I knew from work. “Hey man,” he said as he spotted me. I gave him one of those half-handshake, half high five greetings in return. “What’s up, Chris?” I asked. “Not too much.” He pointed to my Bulls hat. “Are you a hoopster?” I was confused for a half-second. “You mean, do I play in a rec league?” He laughed. “No, like, a hipster that follows basketball.”

Instantly, and with minimal effort on my part, I had earned a new label.

What’s a hoopster to do but get sloppy on beer and play NBA Jam every other day or so? There’s only so much time to do it after all, since I have other important activities to do, like: nod my head pompously at art gallery showings, critique the latest dive bar’s newly hired mixologist, argue with others over Pitchfork’s score for Bath’s new album, or just generally be a passive-aggressive jerk about art, pop culture and life in general. So in my spare time I like to unwind with something that is directly confrontational, fueled with alcohol, and still satiates my appetite for inconsequential entertainment. NBA Jam provides this in spades.

So this is how I came to be battling with some ass who was repping Israel as the Dallas Mavericks, using the Turbo Shove command that had Dirk Nowitski and Jamal Mashburn making the Laimbeer-era Pistons look soft. Was this guy actually having fun? Was he actually from Israel? Or was he just a Hasid that hated my bike and wanted to make me suffer for using it?

I didn’t feel curious enough to find out for good. I sunk a between the legs three point trick shot, quit the game, finished my beer, and made plans to meet up with some people at an album release party taking place a few blocks away. Stay at home and get Mashburned by a vindictive Xbox Live internet hero? Ain’t no hipster got time for that.




C’mon don’t hate on these ladies, IDF! They just want to have fun! And as a male semi-misogynist, I say let them! Don’t get me wrong, if I saw two male IDF soldiers even kissing I’d be all like ‘ew I’m not into that but secretly they have real hot bodies’, but if girls want to treat the IDF like it’s the ADP sorority house at Duke, who am I to judge them?

And c’mon tits and ass sell. As much as all those anti-Semites in the world, who hate on Israel by telling Israel to stop being dicks, they can’t say no to practically naked barely-legal girls! Unless these Jew-haters are in Iran…or Saudia Arabia…Either way this is a PR win for Israel! Next time you hear a story about the IDF protecting Israeli, whether it’s stopping missiles shot out of Syria, or it’s harassing some Palestinians, remember that these pretty ladies are the ones doing it.

I went on birthright, and the 20 year old female soldiers wanted to hook up just as much as the male soldiers and all the Americans.

So it’s totally Kosher.



Radical religious Rabbis have argued that tragedies such as the destruction of Soddom and Gemorrah, The Holocaust, Hurricane Sandy, and 9/11 were directly caused by the fact that gay people exist and do gay things. Because God hates gay people who do sexual things with consensual adults more than pedophiles and Hasidim who hide pedophiles, stealing billions of dollars from regular people, and murdering children. This Torah-based logic cannot be argued.

Yet that’s just what near-heathen Reform, liberal gay Rabbi Duckie tries to do. Speaking at the Judas’ for Palestine annual group meeting, Rabbi Duckie blamed the treatment of Palestinians for the recent plague of billions of locusts devastating all of Israel’s crops:


People say that lots of locusts are good, because you can eat them. Truth is that not only do most Jews who support the oppression of Palestinian people believe that locusts aren’t Kosher, but you can only eat so many locusts before you just want a slice of lox.

This isn’t the first time locusts have plagued Jews. That is, if you read the Old Testament with minimal skepticism.

Other Rabbis claim that the 10 plagues only hurt the Egyptians, which is ridiculous. What about all the Jews who died during the Plague of Darkness? Didn’t they die in that plague? Isn’t it too convenient to claim they were ‘unworthy’ of leaving Egypt? How much longer before religious Rabbis claim they too were killed because they were all gay?


Rabbi Dovid Moskowitz countered with this tidbit of fanaticism:


Well actually Israel is the best place for gays in the Middle East! But that is erroneous. The gays are ruining Israel and the world. Now excuse me as I go to my family and don’t contribute to society in any meaningful way.


At the end of the day, the message seems clear. If Israel keeps treating Palestinians as second class citizens, there will be Boils, Darkness, and Wild Animals ransacking the state of Israel. It’s all in the Old Testament.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


The new 50 Shekel bill will be graced with the face of Russian Poet Shaul Tchernichovsky. Or as r/israel points out, Ron Swanson. Actually he looks a lot more like Mark Twain, but if I told you that, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.