Archives For Israel

This is kind of funny. It’s not hilariously funny, because it’s too full of itself. Ever listen to Bill Maher? His head is so far up his self-righteous ass, it’s impossible to laugh with him. No self-deprecation. Just a political comedian who thinks everything he says is from Socrates’ own pederast mouth.

It’s the same with this BBC video. I totally get the joke they are going for – what if Israel tried to grab land everywhere it had a presence. It’s entertaining, and I like when one of them calls a police officer anti-Semitic. That’s always a good one. Otherwise, it may have been funnier if it was the same premise but using a different country? Like one that nobody would expect to start land-grabbing. Lichenstein. Clearly.

Funny? Not funny? Anti-Semitic?

//Times of Isreal

Woody Allen has recently given a spiel on Israel, and religion, and anti-semitism. I read the lines he was quoted in with his sweet lil neurotic voice, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Viva Uncle Woody.

I mean like unless he’s a child a rapist and therefore a bad person like the internet believes. But even then…I just can’t quit you Woody Allen.

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An online encounter can be anything these days. It can be anonymous, but increasingly this is becoming more and more infrequent. More likely our online doings are public and end up revealing something about you to people you know, or are simply broadcast into what we perceive to be an electronic vacuum. But be cautious: someone is always watching. I say that to warn off the guy I played NBA Jam against earlier, he of the Israeli flag background and the violent right bumper spam maneuver. Now every corporation in the world knows that you are the equivalent of the kid who would spam the same one move in fighting games over and over again to extract a long, joyless win from an increasingly unenthusiastic opponent. Congratulations, I hope you feel accomplished over how fast you can twitch your right index finger for seven minutes.

Maybe some background is in order: Back in February, I was waiting by the train station to Damen when I spotted someone I knew from work. “Hey man,” he said as he spotted me. I gave him one of those half-handshake, half high five greetings in return. “What’s up, Chris?” I asked. “Not too much.” He pointed to my Bulls hat. “Are you a hoopster?” I was confused for a half-second. “You mean, do I play in a rec league?” He laughed. “No, like, a hipster that follows basketball.”

Instantly, and with minimal effort on my part, I had earned a new label.

What’s a hoopster to do but get sloppy on beer and play NBA Jam every other day or so? There’s only so much time to do it after all, since I have other important activities to do, like: nod my head pompously at art gallery showings, critique the latest dive bar’s newly hired mixologist, argue with others over Pitchfork’s score for Bath’s new album, or just generally be a passive-aggressive jerk about art, pop culture and life in general. So in my spare time I like to unwind with something that is directly confrontational, fueled with alcohol, and still satiates my appetite for inconsequential entertainment. NBA Jam provides this in spades.

So this is how I came to be battling with some ass who was repping Israel as the Dallas Mavericks, using the Turbo Shove command that had Dirk Nowitski and Jamal Mashburn making the Laimbeer-era Pistons look soft. Was this guy actually having fun? Was he actually from Israel? Or was he just a Hasid that hated my bike and wanted to make me suffer for using it?

I didn’t feel curious enough to find out for good. I sunk a between the legs three point trick shot, quit the game, finished my beer, and made plans to meet up with some people at an album release party taking place a few blocks away. Stay at home and get Mashburned by a vindictive Xbox Live internet hero? Ain’t no hipster got time for that.

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C’mon don’t hate on these ladies, IDF! They just want to have fun! And as a male semi-misogynist, I say let them! Don’t get me wrong, if I saw two male IDF soldiers even kissing I’d be all like ‘ew I’m not into that but secretly they have real hot bodies’, but if girls want to treat the IDF like it’s the ADP sorority house at Duke, who am I to judge them?

And c’mon tits and ass sell. As much as all those anti-Semites in the world, who hate on Israel by telling Israel to stop being dicks, they can’t say no to practically naked barely-legal girls! Unless these Jew-haters are in Iran…or Saudia Arabia…Either way this is a PR win for Israel! Next time you hear a story about the IDF protecting Israeli, whether it’s stopping missiles shot out of Syria, or it’s harassing some Palestinians, remember that these pretty ladies are the ones doing it.

I went on birthright, and the 20 year old female soldiers wanted to hook up just as much as the male soldiers and all the Americans.

So it’s totally Kosher.

//Gawker

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Radical religious Rabbis have argued that tragedies such as the destruction of Soddom and Gemorrah, The Holocaust, Hurricane Sandy, and 9/11 were directly caused by the fact that gay people exist and do gay things. Because God hates gay people who do sexual things with consensual adults more than pedophiles and Hasidim who hide pedophiles, stealing billions of dollars from regular people, and murdering children. This Torah-based logic cannot be argued.

Yet that’s just what near-heathen Reform, liberal gay Rabbi Duckie tries to do. Speaking at the Judas’ for Palestine annual group meeting, Rabbi Duckie blamed the treatment of Palestinians for the recent plague of billions of locusts devastating all of Israel’s crops:

 

People say that lots of locusts are good, because you can eat them. Truth is that not only do most Jews who support the oppression of Palestinian people believe that locusts aren’t Kosher, but you can only eat so many locusts before you just want a slice of lox.

 
This isn’t the first time locusts have plagued Jews. That is, if you read the Old Testament with minimal skepticism.

 
Other Rabbis claim that the 10 plagues only hurt the Egyptians, which is ridiculous. What about all the Jews who died during the Plague of Darkness? Didn’t they die in that plague? Isn’t it too convenient to claim they were ‘unworthy’ of leaving Egypt? How much longer before religious Rabbis claim they too were killed because they were all gay?

 

Rabbi Dovid Moskowitz countered with this tidbit of fanaticism:

 

Well actually Israel is the best place for gays in the Middle East! But that is erroneous. The gays are ruining Israel and the world. Now excuse me as I go to my family and don’t contribute to society in any meaningful way.

 

At the end of the day, the message seems clear. If Israel keeps treating Palestinians as second class citizens, there will be Boils, Darkness, and Wild Animals ransacking the state of Israel. It’s all in the Old Testament.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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The new 50 Shekel bill will be graced with the face of Russian Poet Shaul Tchernichovsky. Or as r/israel points out, Ron Swanson. Actually he looks a lot more like Mark Twain, but if I told you that, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

This Maccabee beer commercial is beyond confusing. So confusing. First off, ew. All beer made in Israel tastes like PBR, so I guess it isn’t that bad. But sometimes you want to drink a beer that has flavor and complexity, and you don’t want to pay 5 bucks because alcohol is actually taxed in Israel. Also, I didn’t know until now that Goldstar and Maccabee are produced by the same people – shouldn’t the government get involved and break up that shitty beer monopoly? That’d be like if Anheuser-Busch owned a bunch of shitty….nevermind.

The best beer I had in Israel was called Bazelet, and was a microbrew (with a brew-pub, American style), and it gave me hope for the entire country. I mean, as far as I’m concerned no beer means no Democracy. Use some of that holy water to make some holy liquids, alright?

Anyhow, you’ve got the guy from the Old Spice commercials, with an American flag next to him, asking you about what you’ve tasted. And lemme tell you, things get personal. Have I tasted the sun? Have a tasted a pot brownie in Amsterdam? Have I ever tasted a man? That’s not appropriate, Old Spice dude, we just met!

But damn is this a good commercial. I may disagree with the tastiness of Maccabee beer, but I can’t fault their advertising. Now I’m gonna drink a cheap, hand-crafted beer because I’m a fucking beer snob.

//6nobacon

Happy 65th birthday Israel! Sorry I didn’t really write anything about you today. Or post much about your big 6-5. But I did take 5 minutes out of my day to make you a sweet Blingee. I hope you like it.

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Women of the Wall as Haredi Men Cover Their Eyes

Want to say a prayer for your dead relatives at the Western Wall? Are you also a woman? Sorry, no Kaddish allowed here. Yossi Pariente, the Jerusalem District Police Chief recently stated that women are not allowed to be “Wrapping yourselves in tallitot, holding a minyan of women including the Kaddish or Kedusha prayers, and reading from the Torah” at the Western Wall. Starting on April 11th Pariente stated that the Israel Police will be enforcing the law. Obviously women saying the Kaddish is an attack on all that is good in this world and stopping this action should be the primary concern of the police. However, according to the chair of Women of the Wall, this new decree is apparently unenforceable considering that half of the police force isn’t even Jewish.

//Forward

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Every time I read about anti-Semitism in countries that aren’t Israel, I yawn a little. Not because there isn’t anti-Semitism in the world (or racism or bigotry), and not just because there has always been anti-Semitism in the world. It’s because every time I read about it, it’s used as a subtle means to encourage Jews to move to Israel. Ah yes, the fear-mongering.

You’re not safe out there in the real world. Why don’t you come home to Mom and Dad? We’ll cook you chicken soup, you’ll get free HBO. C’mon home honey, k? Don’t you want to live in your parents’ basement so by the time you leave you’re a crazy rightwing fanatical who hates every Muslim ever, including babies and children?

And wouldn’t it be nice if all the Jews lived in one country so that the End Times Messiah Jews can become one nation again? Don’t you wish life was just like 1900 BCE? Remember that time? We had slaves, and we made pagan-ish animal sacrifices, and had internal political struggles between jealous Rabbis and Kings…

I’ll pass.

Not just because I have the rightwing conspiracy-theory that Iran would love for every Jewish person to be living in one nuke-sized country. Call me crazy, but I like diversity. I like meeting African Americans, Nepali immigrants, Irish Catholics, and Hindus.

Also, there’s a reason why Israel is full of asshole drivers – because you put too many Jews together and they all become assholes. In small groups they’re great people. Get too many to live in one place and you have Williamsburg up your ass because you want to shoot a shitty second (second) Spider Man movie on Passover. It’s not special for Jews – every densely-populated ethnic group bitches and moans.

So, next time someone tries to fear monger you, or guilt you, into moving to Israel because of an ‘anti-Semitic’ problem, remember that they’re assholes. Real friends want you to be THE token Jewish friend, the one guy who laughs at Jew jokes because he’s not overly sensitive, and helps dispel negative Jewish stereotypes.

Let the Jewish people multiply like fish in the sea, and let them spread their seed throughout the world like a horny frat boy. Amen.