Archives For Guilt

What a waste of money. This is like taking a small child to Disney World. Will they remember it? Only vaguely, but you have to continue to clothe them and feed them and go on all the boring rides they want to go on. It’s the worst way to spend money. Those kids will just turn around, act ungrateful, and then expect you to pay for all their college tuition and give them your used car – but not the shitty clunker, nooooooo. And this Bat Mitzvah girl just stands there – doesn’t sing, doesn’t dance, doesn’t even try to kiss Nick.

Why would you spend $100,000 on a Bat Mitzvah and bring the shittier of the Jonases? Or is he the best? Who knows, they’re all so terrible. It’s not like she’ll remember it in 15 years, the ravages of hard college sorority alcoholism and too much weed destroying what few religious memories she has. I barely remember my Bar Mitzvah – all the endoprhins and the having to actually earn it by learning Torah (which I totally fucked up on, but it’s the work not the outcome, right?).

I do remember my Bar Mitzvah was themed – Red Sox. How original for a New England kid. And this girl, Jillian Glasgow, made her Bat Mitzvah themed ‘Paris’.

Not French themed, not Parisian, ‘Paris’. ‘Paris’ themed. And her parents threw away $100,000 for such a shitty concept.

It’s videos like these that make me become a real socialist. These people should be taxed a bit more.

//Gawker

Tu B’Shvat is here ladies and Jewntelmen, and it has us all asking the same question: “Seriously? In February?”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a holiday that comes with a three drink minimum and free fruit salad as much as the next guy, but as I write this article during a freaking blizzard, I feel compelled to say the placement of the New Year of the Trees is straight-up baffling. For our non-Jewish friends, Tu B’Shvat is maybe the 9th or 10th most important Jewish holiday (just above Purim and the 4th day of Shiva), and it celebrates trees, and it’s in the middle of the freaking winter. What??

Sure, it makes sense in Israel, where it’s hot all the time, but there are a shitload of Jews currently freezing our asses off. And I know it’s a biblical holiday, but none of us are biblical Jews. For a diaspora people that have managed to adapt to environments like a pious iguana (I’m looking at you, Yiddish), aren’t we being a bit stubborn about celebrating our tree holiday at a time when all the trees are technically dead?

I’m not saying cancel the holiday, just move it. How about Tu B’Iyar? It could hang out with Lag Ba’omer and cancel out Yom Hazikaron.

Written By Eric Dreiblatt

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.

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Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

Celebrate every night of Hanukkah by taking a few hits on this Menorah Bong. I am sure that this still counts as lighting for the night, right? Must be kosher to light up! I would go as far as to say this should be the only was we light our menorahs. If Hanukkah wasn’t already the official holiday for Jewish potheads

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Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.

//FailedMessiah

menorah-tree
Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

Let’s take a moment out of our day to discuss current queen of all things ass, Nicki Minaj (Miley Cyrus get the fuck out). She catapulted into the center of pop culture after a guest verse on biggest hipster in the world Kanye’s “Monster,” and has been there more or less ever since, reminding us that she has a big butt by talking about it non-stop. And by shaking it a whole lot in every music video she does. Sometimes she raps in weird voices, but mostly she just shakes her ass and talks about the pros and cons of having lots of booty.

This really wouldn’t be of any concern to us at Hipster Jew normally. We’re content to stay in our corner, which is talking about hipster garbage, and ridiculing anyone caught making a Hitler reference or people that get outed wearing SS uniforms for Halloween. So we really don’t care about Nicki Min–

 

Oh! Oh. Okay. I guess we’re going there.

So here we have a music video director taking a song about sex, and transforming it into some odd amalgamation of hip hop meets “Triumph of the Will.” I assume he had free reign to make the video however he wanted, after all, only artists are so obsessed with form and style that they would take a film like “Triumph” and admire it, get inspired by it, and then slavishly imitate it, while wholly disregarding the context. it’s something a film student would do after smoking a shitload of weed and then deciding to model his final project after a Reifenstahl piece.

But the degree of replacement imagery that’s in the video leads me to think that the director did this with full knowledge of the context. The whole thing: Nicki’s bent over ass pose replacing the Nazi eagle, Chris Brown as the surrogate Mussolini right hand man, the Young Money logo redesigned to take the place of the swastika, all calculated for clicks and pageviews. The whole thing is asking for a Twitter shitstorm, and since the director is retweeting but not talking to or engaging the people talking about it, it’s going to get one. And now even a small blog like HipsterJew is talking about it. Mission Accomplished.

Here’s the only part I don’t get though: Why is Drake the Pope? It feels tacked on. You couldn’t make him Goering or someone? Just… it doesn’t fit. I like my Third Reich tributes to be professional, you know? Shoehorning the Pope in to make some sort of tangential point reeks of amateurism.

We’ve all been there. Walking down the street, or on your college campus. A Chabad Rabbi is smiling way too charistmatically in front of his ‘Sukkah Mobile’ as he asks if you’re Jewish. You do it, because you have guilt, because you are Jewish. (History should teach us to lie when anyone asks us if we are Jewish.) You make a public spectacle of yourself, you try to move on, and forget that being Jewish can be so embarrassing when it’s thrust upon you like a mountainous burden. It’s tough being Jewish on the strees of NYC.

What I’m trying to say is that this video is perfect. I’m not sure how I feel about it taking away from the original video about women being catcalled, but even as a video on it’s own it is pretty fucking funny.

//Huffpo

Soooooo the Jews of Cape Town decided to make parody to Die Antwoord’s I Fink U Freeky. Although Die Antwoord’s song is a few years old, I have to say that this was pretty bold on the part of these South African Jews. I mean, have you seen any of their videos? Di Antwoord isn’t so kosher. Considering they made the anthem against circumcision and all. Either way. Go South African Jews, I guess.

// r/judaism

Mr. Decembers

The Duckman —  09/23/2014 —  Comments

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Hi guys. It’s us. Hipster Jew. The Jewish new year is coming up next week, and what better time to tell you that we are in the NICE JEWISH GUYS CALENDAR 2015! We will be sitting at the back of the calendar, judging everyone as they slowly get through the entire year. But no seriously. We’re the month of December. Reminding you that you need to buy another calendar for all of your friends. I mean, what else are you going to get them, even if we won’t be back for 2016?

it's happening
You can buy it at Urban Outfitters, Modern Tribe, Kitson.

PS Thanks to Jesse Banks III for photographing us!