Archives For Guilt

As this video shows, it’s impossible to please people on this subject. There is a reason why we don’t talk much about the Israel-Palestinian conflict. No matter what we say, most people will yell at us for either not caring about dead children, or supporting a terrorist group, or not mentioning something that’s hardly important. The entire war is a PR battle and we really don’t feel like pushing either side’s press release.

If you really want our opinion, it’s this: Cut the shit everyone.

Kosher Gift Ideas

Dov —  07/09/2014 —  Comments

Are you bored of all the same old Jewish gifts you’ve been giving and receiving for the past 2000 years? Do you ever feel that if you see another Chai necklace, picture of a Dancing Hassid, or jar of ‘artisan’ pickled herring you’ll be so distraught that you’ll tell all of your relatives to start sitting shiva for you and then jump off the Williamsburg bridge?

Well then why not get something different, ya lazy shnook!  Something that commands attention! Something that people notice when they walk into your rent controlled, bug-ridden, decrepit Lower East Side tenement apartment!  Something that people will remember you by for years after you’ve suffered a long, slow, painful death from a massive ulcer!

Well for the low price of 3 dollars and fifty cents, this website has just what you need - a kosher pigeon magnet!

Cropped Pigeons

 

Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your landlord, even your grandson who complains about the odor when he visits you once a year!

(more from KosherPigeonJudaica)

You wake up in the morning. You do your standard morning ritual (shit, shower, shave, smoke a bowl). You do whatever you do… I don’t know and don’t care. Then you head over to your closet. What will it be this morning? The flowy shirt and skirt you wear for your coffee shop gig? The comfortable sneakers and mom shorts for that tour guide job? The maid outfit for your hotel gig?

Not anymore. You push all those aside for that brand new trendy but conservative suit situation. It wasn’t thrifted. You bought it at Ann Taylor because your Grandma got you a gift card. A gift card for your new job that she’s so proud you finally got.

You know, that job in an office. The one where you get paid more then your other three jobs combined but you may have had to sell your soul to the devil. But you have health insurance! And a 401k! And other stuff grownups have! And so you continue your slow death march to the land of uncool. The land of the Young Jewish Professional (YJP).

But it doesn’t have to be that way! Here are 5 tips on how to still seem hip… even though you’re actually just a square who goes to bed at 10:00 every night and says things like “quota” and “synergy”.

1. Don’t take any athletic classes. No yoga. No pole-dancing classes. That stuff is for people who are trying to improve themselves. Don’t improve yourself. If you want to work out, walk to your closest bar and/or drug dealer’s house. Improving yourself is not cool.

yoga

Sheeple. Really flexible sheeple, but still sheeple.

2. Wear at least one thing a day that just a little too funky. Remind The Man that you will continue to wear your spiky earrings and/or that wrinkled skirt because you just don’t care, man.

spiky heels

 Nothing like a little skull to funkify your day.

3. Avoid happy hours at all costs. That’s where the rest of the YJP’s are. If they see you there they will smell you out and try to make you one of them. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing lipliner and talking about the pros and cons of investing in Israeli stocks.

Happy hour

You will not find your soul mate at McGillin’s. Stop trying.

4. Continue to be kind to service professionals. This one is very serious and important. Your server does not care that you were a waitress for 10 years at your uncle’s restaurant. She/he does not need a lecture on folding napkins or smiling appropriately. Just because you are no longer a service professional does not mean you can poop all over the people who still do it. I don’t care if your tomato soup has a hair in it just scoop it out for g-dsakes I assure you, you will not die.

waitress

Poor, sweet thing.  

5. Never give up. Never surrender! No matter how deep you find yourself going into that bougie world of Jewish professionalism do not submit. Fight with every fiber of your being to stay the way you once were. Remember, change is always bad. 

Change

No offense, Big O, I still think you’re great.

 

 

 

If you read this blog often you know we hate grammar and spelling things correctly and love having run on sentences that hardly make any sense to you, the reader. Well the American Nazi Party tweeted this on Saturday. It’s great that they are recognizing the fact that they have to be better than just lame old racists and they must embrace the use of proper grammar. Unfortunately as Slate points out, they’re doing a pretty bad job of that on their own website. Oh well.

macklemore-antisemitic

This past Friday, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performed at a secret show in Seattle. Everything seemed to be going well. The crowd was into it. But then photos started to surface. And the more people look at Macklemore, the more they realized how much he looks like an anti-semitic Jewish caricature.

AntiSemiticCartoon

And it’s true! He does! But instead of making hilarious insults about Macklemore (see above) we should first be asking a question: Is Macklemore anti-semitic? I think the answer is clearly no. The guy is just extremely stupid, as pointed out by gawker. Of course he wouldn’t know that a fake wig, beard and big nose didn’t equal an anti-semitic Jewish caricature. He just isn’t bright enough to see that. He also is so shoved up his own ass that he would never think about anyone else but himself. Just think about the whole Grammy incident. Texting someone and then posting your private convo on twitter? Wack as fuck.

Anyways. Macklemore isn’t an anti-semite. He’s just stupid.

The art of Hailing a Cab

Have you ever thought that hailing a cab looked a little weird? Arm out. Hand pointed to the sky. Looks a little like… how you say… a Nazi salute. Well it seems like one NYC cab driver took the hailing (heiling) a bit too seriously.

nazi-taxi

Some people like to complain about new ‘peer taxi services’ like Uber and Lyft, but at least they aren’t a bunch of Nazis, right? If it makes you feel any better, the taxi driver was suspended for 30 days.

Talk Yiddish to Me

The Duckman —  05/05/2014 —  Comments

No one noticed but we haven’t posted in a month. We’re all busy doing things. So I apologize that this video is a month late. I assume it was hyped up around Passover to get its maximum viral abilities. Either way, if we’re going to get Jewish Parody videos, I’d rather them look like this than the blasphemous Harlem Shake videos we saw a year ago.

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.

First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.

The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.

See, everything has its purpose.

The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”

Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.

So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?

Legos are fun again! Did you see the Lego movie? Of course you did. It was so much fun! Don’t you wish that Jewish rituals were also fun?

YodaLegoMezuzah

The Jewish Museum is selling a Yoda Lego Mezuzah. It’s for the adult who needs to give their ‘Jewish’ a little fun. It’s for the child who is good, who asks all the right questions and is a mensch. For the millennial who will only celebrate their Judaism with a touch of irony.

DarthVaderLegoMezuzah-87x300Are you naughtier? Need a religious Lego Star Wars item to show off your chutzpah?JewDad is selling a Darth Vader Mezuzah. It’s for the kid who gave up being Jewish and gets high on high holidays, but who fucking loves Legos. Because who are we kidding, Darth Vader is by far the coolest character in the whole Star Wars universe.