Archives For Guilt

Soooooo the Jews of Cape Town decided to make parody to Die Antwoord’s I Fink U Freeky. Although Die Antwoord’s song is a few years old, I have to say that this was pretty bold on the part of these South African Jews. I mean, have you seen any of their videos? Di Antwoord isn’t so kosher. Considering they made the anthem against circumcision and all. Either way. Go South African Jews, I guess.

// r/judaism

Mr. Decembers

The Duckman —  09/23/2014 —  Comments

nice-jewish-urban

Hi guys. It’s us. Hipster Jew. The Jewish new year is coming up next week, and what better time to tell you that we are in the NICE JEWISH GUYS CALENDAR 2015! We will be sitting at the back of the calendar, judging everyone as they slowly get through the entire year. But no seriously. We’re the month of December. Reminding you that you need to buy another calendar for all of your friends. I mean, what else are you going to get them, even if we won’t be back for 2016?

it's happening
You can buy it at Urban Outfitters, Modern Tribe, Kitson.

PS Thanks to Jesse Banks III for photographing us!

A few months ago, I decided to move back to New York City and give it another chance. My time living in New York was spent leap-frogging from one shitty neighborhood to the next, across several boroughs. What’s interesting is that my current neighborhood is at an intersection of three different ethnic groups. There are Russians to the east, blacks to the west, and Caribbean to the south. I love this neighborhood.

While the next part of this story is about Antisemitism, I should note that my neighborhood does not have many Jews. There are remnants of Jews who once lived here. Unknown to its current inhabitants, a church only two blocks from my apartment contains a beautiful flame sculpture on the front of the building, stating its former life of a synagogue. The iron fence surrounding the church is shaped like menorahs. Six blocks away is another building that is currently operated by New York City as a daycare for senior citizens. Signs posted around the center point to the defunct synagogue as a place for a weekday morning service.

This past Saturday Afternoon I decided to take a walk. As I left my apartment I noticed two young men dressed in black suits, white shirts, and black hats across the street. Initially, I thought how funny it would be if I said “Shabbat Shalom” to them, as I was in shorts and a t-shirt and clearly not religious. Then I started to wonder why these two young men were walking down this street. Maybe they were taking a long walk to/from Boro Park? I thought it was odd they were walking down this specific street, especially when the neighborhood looked much nicer only a few blocks away. You go from ugly apartment buildings that look like they were built during World War 2 to giant Victorian houses that have front yards in the span of a few minutes. If I was taking a leisurely walk, that is the area I would go to.

As my mind started to wander, I noticed two more young men walking down the street on my side. Where they in a race with the other two Jews? Why are there so many Orthodox Jews walking through my neighborhood today? Was there a Torah in the former synagogue that needed saving? Quickly, these funny (to me) thoughts were interrupted by an older black lady yelling down the street. At first I thought she was speaking gibberish – there tends to be a lot of drug users in my neighborhood. Everyone in my building smokes weed in the stairwells, and I’ve seen strung out people on my front steps numerous times. As I got closer to her I started to make out some of her words. It was the second to last day of the month, and this This older black lady thought that these young men were sent to collect her rent money. She thought they were going to start kicking people out of their homes for not paying rent on time. She was yelling at them for being greedy and hurting the neighborhood.

Except they were just walking down the street. I was kind of shocked. This lady was yelling at them because the only association she has with Orthodox Jews is the many Orthodox slum lords of New York.

It was so ridiculous, I couldn’t help but laugh. I turned to her as I passed (she was still yelling) and I said to her “They are not coming for your money. It’s the Sabbath. They can not take your money.”

After a few moments of me trying to reassure her, and her not listening, a light bulb went on in her head and she said “Oh, its Saturday.”

While I have read my fair share of anti-white graffiti in this neighborhood, I have never had a problem. I have never felt threatened or attacked in any way. This was certainly a strange way to feel bias and resentment.

Our favorite website in the world, Clickhole (a sister site to The Onion and A.V. Club), wrote a wonderful article on 5 tragedies Adam Sandler predicted. The article is hilariously fake just like everything else on the website.

But apparently some people didn’t get it. Besides for a few twitter and facebook posts questioning how Adam Sandler knew about these tragedies, someone at Stormfront used this article to perpetuate his/her belief that Jews control the media.

stromfront-sandler

If anything of this is true, just shows how Jews do make **** happen and probably communicate via movies

Which was followed by a few hilarious replies from people that didn’t get it.

This comes as no surprise, all the Jews know what the schedule is, and follow it accordingly, with no incidents.

And then hilarious replies by people that did get it.

This article is satire. There is no-where on the web that can prove any of it. I call bull****.

Here is a bit of propheting for you that might be useful: Jews invent crazy conspiracy theories and theorists (Alex ‘shoutyhead’ Jones anyone) all the time to discredit the true ‘conspiracy’ that they have control of the government and the media.

Thank you Neo Nazis. Because of you and others that do not know how to read, Facebook will be supplying us with “satire” labels.

As humans, it is our right to marry whomever the heck we want. If the other person also wants to marry us. Except the gays, because that stuff is icky.

Sometimes it’s tough in the dating world because though are many fish in the sea, those bastards are slippery. But never fear, Jews-seeking-Jews, if you’re having trouble finding that special someone, or you’re just really tired of Jdate, it might be time to consider a matchmaker. The New York Times recently ran an article about a women named Tova Weinberg who has matched about 250 young Jewish couples in person and also runs a dating website, www.sawyouatsinai.com/

Tova Weinberg

Dr. Tova Weinberg, Former Dentist and Current Matchmaker

Tova had this to say about why she began pursuing her calling: “There was so much intermarriage in Pittsburgh, I felt I had to do something. I started talking to all these women’s organizations, I said. ‘Listen, I have men! My husband knows all these residents and interns. Give me your daughters, I have the boys!’ ”

Come on Tova, what’s so wrong with intermarriage? If ANYTHING, it’s better for the Jew species. Where has intermarriage gotten us, Jews? Respiratory problems, tay Sachs, Parkinson’s? There’s a whole list of diseases Ashkenazim are more prone to because that’s what happens when everyone decides to shtup their cousins. If you want to marry a Jew because you are an elitist for religious reasons, marry a Sephardic Jew because at least then you are doing your part to widen the gene pool.

I could rant for hours about Jewish elitism and how it’s destroying us from the inside out, but nobody really wants that. I could kvetch about how I wish Tova Weinberg was using her powerhouse talents to rid the world of hunger or actual dentistry.  But instead, I will leave you with this: I will not be satisfied until everyone in the world is the same color. I’m hoping it’s purple, but we’ll see what happens.

 

And here’s a video from Fiddler on the Roof because that musical is doooooope.

 

 

 

This Land is Mine is a beautiful / terrifying depiction of the last 6000 years in the land of Canaan / Israel / Palestine. Millennia after Millennia of war and death over the small piece of land many have called their rightful home.

The list of participating parties:

Early Man
Canaanite
Egyptian
Assyrian
Israelite
Babylonian
Macedonian/Greek
Greek/Macedonian
Ptolemaic
Seleucid
Hebrew Priest
Maccabee
Roman
Byzantine
Arab Caliph
Crusader
Mamluk of Egypt
Ottoman Turk
Arab
British
Palestinian
European Jew/Zionist
PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
State of Israel
Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
The Angel of Death

We’ve heard about attacks on women in Israel due to their dress, which normally just includes a woman wearing shorts or a t-shirt and being verbally harassed or having things thrown at her. So needless to say, recent promotions of “modesty” in Crown Heights, a neighborhood close to my own, start to scare me.

Though modesty has always been a focus of the Ultra-Orthodox, as well as Orthodox and Conservative movements to a lesser degree, this “value” has started to move from modesty of women in the community towards non-Hasidim who come into contact, or more correctly, the line of vision, of Hasidim. Earlier this week, an article surfaced telling of “modesty prizes” given to girls of a Lubavitcher camp who covered their necklines, elbows, and knees. If they came to camp in modest attire for a week they would receive a gift certificate for free ice cream. Though this modesty campaign was primarily focused on covering up the **obvious sexual characteristics** of LITTLE GIRLS AT CAMP DURING A HOT SUMMER, the campaign also managed to combine the struggles of the totally blameless Jews in Israel with skirt length by telling these young girls that by covering up they would strengthen the Jewish nation. Because those Palestinian women sure are slutty, amirite? Though this campaign is a upsetting to many outside the Hasidic community, the translation of this modesty campaign from members of the community to outsiders is a bit more terrifying.

Courtesy of Alexa Antopol

Courtesy of Alexa Antopol

Recently in Crown Heights, Hasidim have been putting up signs which ask people in Crown Heights to pop a sweater over their slutty bits and continue to enjoy the neighborhood. More specifically, the signs state “Love and Respect. Dear Resident, Guest, Visitor, PLEASE DRESS MODESTLY. THIS IS A JEWISH NEIGHBORHOOD.” There are obviously some disagreements I have with these sign-makers, and not all stem from my liberal Reform-Jew upbringing. The first one comes from the fact that there are no real “guests” to the neighborhood, because the streets and sidewalks are all public property. I would never enter a Hasidic home or synagogue in shorts and a tank top, but I have every right to dress in seasonal clothing on public property. My second disagreement comes from the statement that Crown Heights is a Jewish neighborhood. Crown Heights is known for its large African-American population, as well as people from all different ethnicities and religions. With the prices of housing in New York, I know many art school buddies who are moving to the area. So Crown Heights may have a large Hasidic population, but it is certainly no longer a strictly “Jewish neighborhood”. (Furthermore, I have complaints that the Hasidic population has adopted the term Jewish to refer exclusively to them, but I can save that for another article.)

Despite the fact that these signs infuriated me, there are two positive things to think about if you see a sign. The first one is: “What will they do if I don’t wear modest clothes?” And the second one is: “I don’t have to even read that!” I’ve seen that first question answered personally to me once when I lived in South Williamsburg. I was walking down the street wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was summer and I watched a father cover his son’s eyes while I walked past. I had never once felt uncomfortable with my own body, but this father’s action, which probably resulted in more attention brought to me than actually necessary, made me frightened to live in a community where I could not be treated as a fellow human being. I’m curious to see how long these signs stay up and what the response will be from the non-Hasidim in the neighborhood, but until then, keep dressing like you normally do ya sluts!

Original stories can be found here and here

As this video shows, it’s impossible to please people on this subject. There is a reason why we don’t talk much about the Israel-Palestinian conflict. No matter what we say, most people will yell at us for either not caring about dead children, or supporting a terrorist group, or not mentioning something that’s hardly important. The entire war is a PR battle and we really don’t feel like pushing either side’s press release.

If you really want our opinion, it’s this: Cut the shit everyone.

Kosher Gift Ideas

Dov —  07/09/2014 —  Comments

Are you bored of all the same old Jewish gifts you’ve been giving and receiving for the past 2000 years? Do you ever feel that if you see another Chai necklace, picture of a Dancing Hassid, or jar of ‘artisan’ pickled herring you’ll be so distraught that you’ll tell all of your relatives to start sitting shiva for you and then jump off the Williamsburg bridge?

Well then why not get something different, ya lazy shnook!  Something that commands attention! Something that people notice when they walk into your rent controlled, bug-ridden, decrepit Lower East Side tenement apartment!  Something that people will remember you by for years after you’ve suffered a long, slow, painful death from a massive ulcer!

Well for the low price of 3 dollars and fifty cents, this website has just what you need – a kosher pigeon magnet!

Cropped Pigeons

 

Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your landlord, even your grandson who complains about the odor when he visits you once a year!

(more from KosherPigeonJudaica)

You wake up in the morning. You do your standard morning ritual (shit, shower, shave, smoke a bowl). You do whatever you do… I don’t know and don’t care. Then you head over to your closet. What will it be this morning? The flowy shirt and skirt you wear for your coffee shop gig? The comfortable sneakers and mom shorts for that tour guide job? The maid outfit for your hotel gig?

Not anymore. You push all those aside for that brand new trendy but conservative suit situation. It wasn’t thrifted. You bought it at Ann Taylor because your Grandma got you a gift card. A gift card for your new job that she’s so proud you finally got.

You know, that job in an office. The one where you get paid more then your other three jobs combined but you may have had to sell your soul to the devil. But you have health insurance! And a 401k! And other stuff grownups have! And so you continue your slow death march to the land of uncool. The land of the Young Jewish Professional (YJP).

But it doesn’t have to be that way! Here are 5 tips on how to still seem hip… even though you’re actually just a square who goes to bed at 10:00 every night and says things like “quota” and “synergy”.

1. Don’t take any athletic classes. No yoga. No pole-dancing classes. That stuff is for people who are trying to improve themselves. Don’t improve yourself. If you want to work out, walk to your closest bar and/or drug dealer’s house. Improving yourself is not cool.

yoga

Sheeple. Really flexible sheeple, but still sheeple.

2. Wear at least one thing a day that just a little too funky. Remind The Man that you will continue to wear your spiky earrings and/or that wrinkled skirt because you just don’t care, man.

spiky heels

 Nothing like a little skull to funkify your day.

3. Avoid happy hours at all costs. That’s where the rest of the YJP’s are. If they see you there they will smell you out and try to make you one of them. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing lipliner and talking about the pros and cons of investing in Israeli stocks.

Happy hour

You will not find your soul mate at McGillin’s. Stop trying.

4. Continue to be kind to service professionals. This one is very serious and important. Your server does not care that you were a waitress for 10 years at your uncle’s restaurant. She/he does not need a lecture on folding napkins or smiling appropriately. Just because you are no longer a service professional does not mean you can poop all over the people who still do it. I don’t care if your tomato soup has a hair in it just scoop it out for g-dsakes I assure you, you will not die.

waitress

Poor, sweet thing.  

5. Never give up. Never surrender! No matter how deep you find yourself going into that bougie world of Jewish professionalism do not submit. Fight with every fiber of your being to stay the way you once were. Remember, change is always bad. 

Change

No offense, Big O, I still think you’re great.