Archives For Guilt

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.

First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.

The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.

See, everything has its purpose.

The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”

Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.

So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?

Legos are fun again! Did you see the Lego movie? Of course you did. It was so much fun! Don’t you wish that Jewish rituals were also fun?

YodaLegoMezuzah

The Jewish Museum is selling a Yoda Lego Mezuzah. It’s for the adult who needs to give their ‘Jewish’ a little fun. It’s for the child who is good, who asks all the right questions and is a mensch. For the millennial who will only celebrate their Judaism with a touch of irony.

DarthVaderLegoMezuzah-87x300Are you naughtier? Need a religious Lego Star Wars item to show off your chutzpah?JewDad is selling a Darth Vader Mezuzah. It’s for the kid who gave up being Jewish and gets high on high holidays, but who fucking loves Legos. Because who are we kidding, Darth Vader is by far the coolest character in the whole Star Wars universe.

Zach Braff has teamed up with Yeshiva University to wish you a Happy Purim. Although we’re a month early, I guess YU couldn’t hold onto this for that long. I know Zach Braff might seem like a weird choice for a school like Yeshiva University to have advertise for them. But I think this was a great move. I mean, the only people I know that still binge watch their Scrubs DVDs are Yeshiva University students. And the only people I know that actually loved Garden State are Yeshiva University students. Yay school spirit!

The NYTimes has an article about the most boring book about the Holocaust ever, Because you didn’t think THAT was possible!

There is no plot to speak of, and the characters are woefully undeveloped. On the upside, it can be a quick read — especially considering its 1,250 pages.

Okay, so that sounds like it may not be a total piece of shit? I mean…more pages than Harry Potter but also no plot or characters? Did a child write this book?

The book, more art than literature, consists of the single word “Jew,” in tiny type, printed six million times to signify the number of Jews killed during the Holocaust. It is meant as a kind of coffee-table monument of memory, a conversation starter and thought provoker.

Oh, so it’s not a book, it’s a ‘book’; it’s an art project that pretends to be a book. That could be cool, right?

“When you look at this at a distance, you can’t tell whether it’s upside down or right-side up, you can’t tell what’s here; it looks like a pattern,” said Phil Chernofsky, the author, though that term may be something of a stretch. “That’s how the Nazis viewed their victims: These are not individuals, these are not people, these are just a mass we have to exterminate. “Now get closer, put on your reading glasses, and pick a ‘Jew,’ ” Mr. Chernofsky continued. “That Jew could be you. Next to him is your brother. Oh, look, your uncles and aunts and cousins and your whole extended family. A row, a line, those are your classmates. Now you get lost in a kind of meditative state where you look at one word, ‘Jew,’ you look at one Jew, you focus on it and then your mind starts to go because who is he, where did he live, what did he want to do when he grew up?”

Nope. Just really really depressing. More depressing than having to read anything by Tolstoi.

Coffee table book conversation starter? More like coffee book table get really drunk starter.

May as well show Schindler’s List to a bunch of grade school children.

chabad-on-mars-4b298daf

Chabad Mars is a joke, right? I really can’t tell. Chabad is everywhere. They’re in India and China and probably even in Syria. If they think there are Jews in any country, or they think Jews will travel on business, they will con old rich Jews into giving up their money for God and a free house.

Chabad setting up a house on Mars? Why not? It’s equally as ridiculous as setting up on every college campus in the country and offering underage kids booze so they’ll think religion is fun and cool. And now they can help interstellar Jews, or those looking to convert before food runs out and they die of starvation, a place of refuge.

We are working with Mars One to provide a pleasant experience for potential Jewish pioneers who may not have the highest level of observance. Should something God-forbid happen to a Jewish passenger, it is crucial that a Schliach be present to wrap Tefillin on him and/or preside over life cycle rituals.

At the end of the day, every religion is going to have to rethink space travel – I mean, how often do you pray when Mars’ day is an extra 40 minutes? Do you need to wash your hands when there’s no water on the surface?

Thank Moshiach that Chabad is coming to space in 2025.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Heebsters and Sheebsters, your favorite Jewish holiday is upon us!

Tu B’shevat! What is Tu B’shevat, our more goyish readers may wonder? Think of Rosh HaShanah, but for trees. Or Israeli Arbor Day. Or at my house, whatever day of the year my lovely shiksa mother would wake the family bright and early to pull weeds on the farm.

tu bishvat cartoon

But let’s be real, this is just another Jewish holiday you can use in your constant quest to skip out on work. Good job, using your religion to your advantage as your forefathers did before you! This Tu B’shevat, as you sit on your couch smoking tree in celebration of the trees, consider watching these **tree-related movies.

What else are you going to do? Plant a tree in the Holy Land? Please.

 1. The Happening: (Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel)

The best way to commemorate the Earth is to remind ourselves that if we keep messing with Her she and all her plant friends are going to give off a noxious gas and kill us all. This movie is also shot partially in Philadelphia. Which I’m told is the best city in the world for filmmaking because of the amazing local crew opportunities you can find as well as the tax credit incentives. Thanks M. Night!

2. The Two Towers: (Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, various ensemble cast)

This movie is admittedly very long. But there are talking trees. And New Zealand is really beautiful. So why the hell not?

3. The FernGully Trilogy:

 Not familiar with the FernGully trilogy?  It all started with FernGully in 1992. In FernGully (Pochahantas/Avatar), Zak (John Smith/Jake Sully), a free thinker involved with an evil logging company (Virgina Company, Earth Soldier dudes), meets his indigenous fairy soulmate: Crysta (Pochahantas/Neytiri). With the help of his animal sidekick Robin Williams the bat, Zak wins over Crysta’s tribe of tree fairies (Native American/Na’vi). You can watch all of them or just one. You might even consider watching them all at once on three different screens.

4. Tree of Life: (Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Jessica Chastain)

I still don’t really understand what happened in this film. Not that I watched it. Or that I ever will. But then again, I might someday. I like Brad Pitt a whole lot. Who doesn’t? Come at me Tyler Durden, amiright?

5. Evil Dead (Bruce Campbell)

In this 1981 Sam Raimi classic, a chick gets RAPED by a TREE. It is horrible and hilarious and icky all at once. Not to slut shame, but that’ll teach her to ever read ancient creepy texts out loud. It’s called the Book of the Dead, come on, people. But rape is never OK. Especially if trees are doing it.

Bonus Short: (The Giving Tree)

An actual animated narration of The Giving Tree  is all up on The Youtubes. For those of you who didn’t have proper childhoods, The Giving Tree is the beautiful story of a tree that gave everything she had for the little boy she loved as he grew into a man. For such a small tree she sure had a lot of wood.

**films may not be on Netflix. G-d help us all.

Happy Tu B’shvat

The Duckman —  01/15/2014 —  Comments

Happy New Year, Trees! Look at you, growing up so fast. May we all celebrate Tu B’shvat by taking down the fruit you spent months producing, then drying them for months thus ruining them forever. We love you.

Hugs. Kisses. Please don’t kill us all by releasing suicidal spores into the air.

How have I never seen this clip? I recently started watching Key and Peele (yeah I know I’m REALLY late to the party), and I’m glad I did. It’s fucking hilarious. I’m also glad I saw this clip of them making fun of Bar Mitzvah DJs/Entertainers AND all the rappers who have performed at the uber rich’s Bar Mitzvahs. Drake, TI, Snoop, and more!

Watching Key and Peele as Party Motivators, mocking all those Jews who try to compare their past plights with the black community’s current plights…it’s just spot on.

I’m so glad these clips of The Day the Clown Cried have come to see the light of day. The super rare behind the scene footage was great, and now there’s more behind the scene footage. An interview with Jerry Lewis. We’re so close to seeing this clown Holocaust disaster of a movie. One day it will become a cult classic, like Reefer Madness. Ridiculous and amazing and stupid, all at the same time.

Seriously, the best comedy is the unintentional, especially when we’re all ironic and jaded and it’s the Holocaust which is just a punchline at this point.

//Splitsider