Archives For Guilt

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Lena Dunham recently wrote an article for The New Yorker titled: Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz. In the article she asks “Do the following statements refer to (a) my dog or (b) my Jewish boyfriend?” Much of it is pretty funny. I am good at looking at myself and laughing about how I and most other Jewish boys I know are like puppies. Fun, loving, but so terribly dumb.

Some publications did not find this so funny. There was a time when Jews were compared to dogs and so on and so forth. There are also some anti-semitic tropes written in this piece (Jews being bad tippers) but it’s not like we haven’t heard similar jokes from so many other Jews in the entertainment industry. The people who are condemning this piece seem to not understand most people don’t know Jews being dogs was a thing. We all didn’t grow up in the 40’s. They also don’t understand that the only thing in Lena’s life is her dog. How hard is it to read her other New Yorker posts or look at her Instagram? All she does it talk about her dog.

The people condemning this piece seem to be old and humorless. They are also the ADL! You know, that group that calls everyone anti-semitic but when someone like Bibi makes an anti-Arab comment everything is cool. Yeah, those assholes. If they hate something, I’m more or less inclined to love it now. Which is why I’m going to continue sharing this Lena Dunham piece. So please! Read it! Like it or hate it. I don’t care. Just don’t be a stick in the mud like everyone else.

I have a rule to never put down a 13 year old for doing something they love if it’s not hurting anyone. So good on you Brody Criz for making this video! It’s funny and cute and funny. Once all of your friends at sleep away camp see this video, you’re going to have the best summer ever.

As for everyone else… Please… Please… PLEASE stop making Bar / Bat Mitzvah aged videos for your kids. It’s ruining America (and sometimes Canada). Just look how much the older brother wants to kill himself.

Hey guys! If you’re thinking about making a last minute Purim costume, let me remind you that racism is bad. mmmkay? Not that you have to tolerant of others, just don’t be that asshole that wears black face or one of the many Aryan groups. Keep it sane. Keep it sexy. But don’t make it trashy.

Thanks. Bye.

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What a waste of money. This is like taking a small child to Disney World. Will they remember it? Only vaguely, but you have to continue to clothe them and feed them and go on all the boring rides they want to go on. It’s the worst way to spend money. Those kids will just turn around, act ungrateful, and then expect you to pay for all their college tuition and give them your used car – but not the shitty clunker, nooooooo. And this Bat Mitzvah girl just stands there – doesn’t sing, doesn’t dance, doesn’t even try to kiss Nick.

Why would you spend $100,000 on a Bat Mitzvah and bring the shittier of the Jonases? Or is he the best? Who knows, they’re all so terrible. It’s not like she’ll remember it in 15 years, the ravages of hard college sorority alcoholism and too much weed destroying what few religious memories she has. I barely remember my Bar Mitzvah – all the endoprhins and the having to actually earn it by learning Torah (which I totally fucked up on, but it’s the work not the outcome, right?).

I do remember my Bar Mitzvah was themed – Red Sox. How original for a New England kid. And this girl, Jillian Glasgow, made her Bat Mitzvah themed ‘Paris’.

Not French themed, not Parisian, ‘Paris’. ‘Paris’ themed. And her parents threw away $100,000 for such a shitty concept.

It’s videos like these that make me become a real socialist. These people should be taxed a bit more.

//Gawker

Tu B’Shvat is here ladies and Jewntelmen, and it has us all asking the same question: “Seriously? In February?”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a holiday that comes with a three drink minimum and free fruit salad as much as the next guy, but as I write this article during a freaking blizzard, I feel compelled to say the placement of the New Year of the Trees is straight-up baffling. For our non-Jewish friends, Tu B’Shvat is maybe the 9th or 10th most important Jewish holiday (just above Purim and the 4th day of Shiva), and it celebrates trees, and it’s in the middle of the freaking winter. What??

Sure, it makes sense in Israel, where it’s hot all the time, but there are a shitload of Jews currently freezing our asses off. And I know it’s a biblical holiday, but none of us are biblical Jews. For a diaspora people that have managed to adapt to environments like a pious iguana (I’m looking at you, Yiddish), aren’t we being a bit stubborn about celebrating our tree holiday at a time when all the trees are technically dead?

I’m not saying cancel the holiday, just move it. How about Tu B’Iyar? It could hang out with Lag Ba’omer and cancel out Yom Hazikaron.

Written By Eric Dreiblatt

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.

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Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

Celebrate every night of Hanukkah by taking a few hits on this Menorah Bong. I am sure that this still counts as lighting for the night, right? Must be kosher to light up! I would go as far as to say this should be the only was we light our menorahs. If Hanukkah wasn’t already the official holiday for Jewish potheads

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Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.

//FailedMessiah

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Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

Let’s take a moment out of our day to discuss current queen of all things ass, Nicki Minaj (Miley Cyrus get the fuck out). She catapulted into the center of pop culture after a guest verse on biggest hipster in the world Kanye’s “Monster,” and has been there more or less ever since, reminding us that she has a big butt by talking about it non-stop. And by shaking it a whole lot in every music video she does. Sometimes she raps in weird voices, but mostly she just shakes her ass and talks about the pros and cons of having lots of booty.

This really wouldn’t be of any concern to us at Hipster Jew normally. We’re content to stay in our corner, which is talking about hipster garbage, and ridiculing anyone caught making a Hitler reference or people that get outed wearing SS uniforms for Halloween. So we really don’t care about Nicki Min–

 

Oh! Oh. Okay. I guess we’re going there.

So here we have a music video director taking a song about sex, and transforming it into some odd amalgamation of hip hop meets “Triumph of the Will.” I assume he had free reign to make the video however he wanted, after all, only artists are so obsessed with form and style that they would take a film like “Triumph” and admire it, get inspired by it, and then slavishly imitate it, while wholly disregarding the context. it’s something a film student would do after smoking a shitload of weed and then deciding to model his final project after a Reifenstahl piece.

But the degree of replacement imagery that’s in the video leads me to think that the director did this with full knowledge of the context. The whole thing: Nicki’s bent over ass pose replacing the Nazi eagle, Chris Brown as the surrogate Mussolini right hand man, the Young Money logo redesigned to take the place of the swastika, all calculated for clicks and pageviews. The whole thing is asking for a Twitter shitstorm, and since the director is retweeting but not talking to or engaging the people talking about it, it’s going to get one. And now even a small blog like HipsterJew is talking about it. Mission Accomplished.

Here’s the only part I don’t get though: Why is Drake the Pope? It feels tacked on. You couldn’t make him Goering or someone? Just… it doesn’t fit. I like my Third Reich tributes to be professional, you know? Shoehorning the Pope in to make some sort of tangential point reeks of amateurism.