You wake up in the morning. You do your standard morning ritual (shit, shower, shave, smoke a bowl). You do whatever you do… I don’t know and don’t care. Then you head over to your closet. What will it be this morning? The flowy shirt and skirt you wear for your coffee shop gig? The comfortable sneakers and mom shorts for that tour guide job? The maid outfit for your hotel gig?
Not anymore. You push all those aside for that brand new trendy but conservative suit situation. It wasn’t thrifted. You bought it at Ann Taylor because your Grandma got you a gift card. A gift card for your new job that she’s so proud you finally got.
You know, that job in an office. The one where you get paid more then your other three jobs combined but you may have had to sell your soul to the devil. But you have health insurance! And a 401k! And other stuff grownups have! And so you continue your slow death march to the land of uncool. The land of the Young Jewish Professional (YJP).
But it doesn’t have to be that way! Here are 5 tips on how to still seem hip… even though you’re actually just a square who goes to bed at 10:00 every night and says things like “quota” and “synergy”.
1. Don’t take any athletic classes. No yoga. No pole-dancing classes. That stuff is for people who are trying to improve themselves. Don’t improve yourself. If you want to work out, walk to your closest bar and/or drug dealer’s house. Improving yourself is not cool.
Sheeple. Really flexible sheeple, but still sheeple.
2. Wear at least one thing a day that just a little too funky. Remind The Man that you will continue to wear your spiky earrings and/or that wrinkled skirt because you just don’t care, man.
Nothing like a little skull to funkify your day.
3. Avoid happy hours at all costs. That’s where the rest of the YJP’s are. If they see you there they will smell you out and try to make you one of them. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing lipliner and talking about the pros and cons of investing in Israeli stocks.
You will not find your soul mate at McGillin’s. Stop trying.
4. Continue to be kind to service professionals. This one is very serious and important. Your server does not care that you were a waitress for 10 years at your uncle’s restaurant. She/he does not need a lecture on folding napkins or smiling appropriately. Just because you are no longer a service professional does not mean you can poop all over the people who still do it. I don’t care if your tomato soup has a hair in it just scoop it out for g-dsakes I assure you, you will not die.
Poor, sweet thing.
5. Never give up. Never surrender! No matter how deep you find yourself going into that bougie world of Jewish professionalism do not submit. Fight with every fiber of your being to stay the way you once were. Remember, change is always bad.
No offense, Big O, I still think you’re great.