Archives For Goyish

menorah-tree
Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

I’m sorry for the Upworthyish title. I knew it was the only way to get your attention.

When you were a wee lass or lad what were your expectations in a future spouse?  I’m pretty sure mine mostly involved having the person look vaguely like Usher, have a reasonable I.Q, and of course that innate YJF siren call I fail try to supress: that of the nice Jewish Boy. But I can’t remember because I have killed far too many brain cells.

Jolly Ole St. Valentine is on his way and you know what that means: gratuitous amounts of candy this year and watching a solo double feature of He’s Just That Into You followed by He’s Just Not That Into You.  But maybe this year it’s also time for a little reflection…

Recently, American youngsters Blaire (6) and Brooke (9) made a list of rules for their future boyfriends. Take a gander. Maybe you can think about whether or not their expectations match yours. Or if your potential significant other matches up. No matter what over-analytical mind game you (a completely neurotic little weirdo) play with yourself, it’s a real treat.

 30 Rules for Boyfriends

There’s just something about things written in marker. You know?

Thanks to milady @LaurenOutLoudd for the tip.

 

 

Listen, I’m not here to tell you that you’re an asshole for having a Hanukkah Bush. I’m not here to laugh at you for having a Hanukkah Bush a month after Hanukkah ended. We all know it’s a Christmas tree / Yuletide tree. You’re not fooling anyone, even if you casually call it a “Holiday tree.” So instead of scolding you like your mother will when she sees the photos of your shiksa girlfriend and her family on Facebook, I am going to help you find some last minute ornaments to put up on your Hanukkah Bush.

3D Printed Ornaments

star-of-chinese-food

It’s the year 2013. Making really funny, cheap ornaments is easier than gluing popsicle together. Since we all pretty much have a degree in design, or know how to steal ideas from the internet, you should be 3d printing your own Hanukkah ornaments. Or at the very least, buying them online. Hey, if 3d prints can give a little girl full use of a hand, they can sure as hell decorate your abomination holiday tree.

Traditional Ornaments

menorah-ornament

I think it’s always great to go with a classic. Those giant balls which I have no idea what their purpose it, but know that they break easily and are fun to throw. Those are on every good Christmas… er… Hanukkah Bush. It’s always great to go with a classic. Just make sure you stick with blue and white. Not because those colors are the colors of winter, but because that’s what Maccabeats used when they defeated the Miami Boys Choir in the war for the attention of seminary girls.

Spice Up The Traditional Ornament With Something Contemporary

miley-cyrus-wrecking-ball-christmas-ornament

You have to throw in some joke ornaments. This is a Hanukkah Bush, right? So why not something like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball ornament? Or a little camera poking out of the tree to remind us of the NSA. I’m sure if I actually sat down and thought about it, I could come up with something better.

Make Sure Your Tree Is Overloaded With Jewishness

hanukkah-bush

This family was wise enough to put Lamb Chops with a Yarmulke on top of their Hanukkah Bush. The last thing you want to do is ruin your perfectly good tree with a star or angel. Another idea might be to wrap your entire tree in teffilin. Why not? We all know those leather boxes are in the back of your dresser not being used. Give them some purpose.

Finally, our time has come! Jews everywhere can rejoice, for we can fulfill our greatest stereotype: Haggling. Not just haggling where you would expect to haggle, like flea markets or Craigslist. I mean old school haggling, like that very embarrassing time your older relative argued in Best Buy for 45 minutes to get $20 off the sticker price on a new TV, even though they’re a doctor. Yeah, it’s back, and your Uncle Murray is gonna make a K-I-L-L-I-N-G.

Armed with increasingly sophisticated price-tracking tools on their smartphones and other devices, consumers have become bolder, and they know that they often have the upper hand during a tough season for retailers. Recognizing the new reality, some retailers, desperate for sales and customer loyalty, have begun training their employees in the art of bargaining with customers. ~nytimes

This holiday season, don’t settle for cheap candy of Christmas lights! It’s time to go big. The article even gave me the name of a new deal-busting website that you HAVE to share on social media with your parents and uncles and friends and family. DealScience.

Why be the only stereotype this holiday season?

Alright, let’s all leave our pride and Jewish elitism on the floor and admit that Christmas music is the absolute greatest thing about this overly commercialized and seemngly never-ending holiday cheerfest.

If it weren’t for She & Him’s version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, or Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas, or Sufjan Steven’s entire Chrstmas album I just wouldn’t see any point to the holidays at all except for…

Cats. Cats and dogs.

They make it all OK. Even with the Christmas commercials starting in mid-October, the overly sentimental romantic crap (iceskating and then falling on your stupid face does not COUNT as something romantic), and all of the Christmas gifts nobody really wants, furry four-leggeds and Christmas carols are the root of all awesome.

In conclusion, check out Christmas Cats TV. It’s a joyous place where for eight hours a day you can watch a live stream of the antics of a crazy grandma cat lady and her multiple cats. Meanwhile, there’s Christmas music from Legacy Recordings playing non-stop and YOU CAN ADOPT THE KITTIES.

Kitty Cat Meow

Some of those cats are wearing sweaters. SWEATERS.

Give in to the goyishness, Jew Babies. You know you want to.

Sometimes I get a little ranty. People who care deeply for the Festival of Lights, I’d like to apologize in advance for this Hannukkah-themed rant. But I really don’t care that much.

Hannukkah is such a pitiful excuse to make sure Jewbabies don’t try to convert to Christianity. If eight presents is the only thing keeping someone attached to their culture/faith they should very seriously re-evaluate, well, most things. Or maybe we can all just agree that Christmas isn’t really a religious thing anymore and that everyone should probably just celebrate Commercial Christmas. Jews wrote all the Christmas songs anyway, right?

Rant over. In the most recent attempt by Jews to model their own form of winter-themed commercialized  holiday, (example: Hannukkah bushes), we have ‘Mensch on a Bench’. Not to be confused with the famous Yom Kippur children’s book, ‘JAP in the Gap’ or the infamous ‘Yid on the Grid’.

Mensch on a Bench

For those of you who are completely confused by the significance of a mensch sitting on any bench, allow me to fill you in on the ‘Christmas tradition’ from 2005, ‘Elf on the Shelf’. ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is a children’s book about a creepy little elf who spies on little boys and girls for Santa. The box set comes with your very own possessed dummy elf to watch you dream!

Who decides if something is a tradition?

Anyway, a man who used to work for HASBRO felt bad that he couldn’t buy his little Jew progeny an Elf on the Shelf. So he created Mensche on a Bench. And despite my grumbles and anti-Hannukkah sentiments, people will still buy the Jew version. And the Goy version. Because that’s what the holidays are really about isn’t it? Elfs and Menschs sitting wherever they damn well please. G-d bless us everyone.

 

 

Nick Kroll reminds us that Thanksgivukkah is a missed opportunity. Where is the wonderful rom-com where the guy meets his wife’s parents for Thanksgiving and his parents for Hanukkah and hilarity ensues because… You know… Rom Com! Or in this case, no one actually cares about the two holidays but Nick Kroll.

Instead, the mainstream Hollywood fed media is worrying about whether or not Thanksgivukkah is good for the Jews. They could have invested their time and energy into a movie that we would all watch a half dozen times by the time Christmas Eve arrived.

Thank Hashem for Nick Kroll and his ability to see through the petty internet fights over Thanksgivukkah to give us such a wonderful movie trailer.

// Vulture

Roger Ailes, the president of Fox News network once asked me, “What the *bleep* is so offensive about putting up a plastic Jewish family on my lawn at Christmas time.” – NYMag

Sarah Palin’s War on Christmas quote

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is as old as your bubbe at 87 years old. The New York City based parade is the official kick-off of the holiday season. And when I say holiday season, I mean the Christmas season. The parade features several Santa Claus floats, helium-filled balloons of Santa’s elves and children sending letters to the North Pole. But, the parade has never featured a Jewish themed float or balloon. I’ll tell you what I think is full of hot air, and it ain’t those balloons.

Before 2006, there were more Jews living in New York City than Tel Aviv at 1.57 million. Roughly 18.5% of the total population of New Yorkers are Jews. How is it that after 87 years of suffering through the biggest parade of the city are Jews represented for the very first time? But, finally! Victory at last.

macys-thanksgiving-parade-dreidel

On November 28, 2013, a 3-story spinning Dreidel balloonicle will dazzle and dance down 2.5 miles of Manhattan streets for the first time. But, don’t bet all your gelt on seeing it again next year. Since, Thanksgiving and the first night of Hanukkah fall on the same day, Macy’s is honoring the special occasion with its first Hanukkah float. It seems that the Macy’s parade team has kept pictures of said Dreidel close to the chest, so tune in on Thanksgiving morning at 9 AM to noon (EST) on NBC to see it yourself.

A wonderful thing has started on Reddit. Guys are posting photos of their slutty costumes. So far we only have two and they are both dead artists. Which makes me love their costumes even more. I hope this trend picks up. I’m tired of seeing women parade around in “sexy costumes” that are clearly not suppose to be sexy. Like sexy Sesame Street characters. Ugh I hope anyone who wears that costume not ironically is forced to listen to Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne sing the entire Linkin Park discography.

Vincent Van Gogh-Gogh

vincent-van-via Reddit

Edgar Allen Ho

edgar-allen-hovia Reddit

Let’s do it dudes. Let’s slut it up.