Sometimes I get a little ranty. People who care deeply for the Festival of Lights, I’d like to apologize in advance for this Hannukkah-themed rant. But I really don’t care that much.
Hannukkah is such a pitiful excuse to make sure Jewbabies don’t try to convert to Christianity. If eight presents is the only thing keeping someone attached to their culture/faith they should very seriously re-evaluate, well, most things. Or maybe we can all just agree that Christmas isn’t really a religious thing anymore and that everyone should probably just celebrate Commercial Christmas. Jews wrote all the Christmas songs anyway, right?
Rant over. In the most recent attempt by Jews to model their own form of winter-themed commercialized holiday, (example: Hannukkah bushes), we have ‘Mensch on a Bench’. Not to be confused with the famous Yom Kippur children’s book, ‘JAP in the Gap’ or the infamous ‘Yid on the Grid’.
For those of you who are completely confused by the significance of a mensch sitting on any bench, allow me to fill you in on the ‘Christmas tradition’ from 2005, ‘Elf on the Shelf’. ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is a children’s book about a creepy little elf who spies on little boys and girls for Santa. The box set comes with your very own possessed dummy elf to watch you dream!
Who decides if something is a tradition?
Anyway, a man who used to work for HASBRO felt bad that he couldn’t buy his little Jew progeny an Elf on the Shelf. So he created Mensche on a Bench. And despite my grumbles and anti-Hannukkah sentiments, people will still buy the Jew version. And the Goy version. Because that’s what the holidays are really about isn’t it? Elfs and Menschs sitting wherever they damn well please. G-d bless us everyone.