Archives For Geekin’

Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Marvel has a released another movie featuring one of the Avengers (this time all of them) and I am stuck again choosing which one I want to make out with the most. The trials of a young Jewess are so taxing. Yes, I realize they are fictional characters. Yes, I realize my desire to kiss the Avengers’ inhuman faces doesn’t interest Hipster Jew readers in the slightest. But for some reason, these crazy editors keep letting me pop garbage out for you to intake. So enjoy (?)

So here we are again, the competition ensues: Captain America? Thor? Ironman? The Hulk? Actually scratch out the Hulk. Mark Ruffalo is obviously a babe, but I’m not trying to get Hulk Smashed. If you get me. Such a bummer though, our fictional babies would be so smart. Sigh.

Let’s throw Black Widow into the mix because it will appease the militant feminists who pushed Joss Whedon off the Twatter. Just kidding, militant feminists, I know it wasn’t you guys, I read, OK? And I also know feminism is a good thing, and someone’s gotta fight the fight. That being said, step back from Whedon, he’s not your enemies, ya dummies! Furthermore, I kept Black Widow out of my last poll because she’s a lady and I’m deeply rooted in the closet, but this time I’m encouraging sexual fluidity. Let’s be real here, no matter what way you swing Scarlett J  is a serious hottie.

So here’s the lineup:

More Like Babe-vengers

 

Iron Man was off limits in the past because he seems pretty much like Pepper’s territory, buttttt homegirl didn’t appear in Age of Ultron, so I’m gonna say her opinion doesn’t really matter. Stark’s wealth, intelligence, and all around rudeness follows a certain pattern in my make out candidates, and I don’t mind keeping that pattern going.

Captain America is not really my type at all. He’s a warhawk, and I never vote for those. There’s a lot of pop culture references I know he won’t understand, and to be honest, Cap, that’s a bit of a deal breaker for me.  If he would perhaps begin smoking the rope dope and spend his time sitting at home eating Cheetos and catching up on more than 50 years of movies, television, literature, and the history of hip hop, the rules might change. A new game would be AFOOT,  but as it stands, He’s most likely out. Unless I don’t know, we make out.

Oh Hulk, I’m so sorry.

Thor is a god. And I have a very hard time trusting someone with that sort of power. There is NO way that a literal god wouldn’t have some severely narcissistic tendencies. He could be the most worthy guy in town, hammer held high, but he would always feel different/better than me (I mean have you ever seen Buffy? Duh). That being said, those muscles are pretty serious.

Black Widow has some tragically serious issues, so obviously I’m very, very interested. She’s everything I’m not really into: red-heads, Eastern Europeans, those who wear a lot of leather. But, she’s such a hardened badass yet gentle lady I just keep coming back to her. What a femme fatale. Oh gosh.

Alright now, imagine, if you will, a world in which I am able to make out with these crazy superheroes (with possibility of something a little extra) and the choice of which one I get is up to you. What a world it would be.

Who should Give A Kiss to Lil Schlitz ?

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Our favorite website in the world, Clickhole (a sister site to The Onion and A.V. Club), wrote a wonderful article on 5 tragedies Adam Sandler predicted. The article is hilariously fake just like everything else on the website.

But apparently some people didn’t get it. Besides for a few twitter and facebook posts questioning how Adam Sandler knew about these tragedies, someone at Stormfront used this article to perpetuate his/her belief that Jews control the media.

stromfront-sandler

If anything of this is true, just shows how Jews do make **** happen and probably communicate via movies

Which was followed by a few hilarious replies from people that didn’t get it.

This comes as no surprise, all the Jews know what the schedule is, and follow it accordingly, with no incidents.

And then hilarious replies by people that did get it.

This article is satire. There is no-where on the web that can prove any of it. I call bull****.

Here is a bit of propheting for you that might be useful: Jews invent crazy conspiracy theories and theorists (Alex ‘shoutyhead’ Jones anyone) all the time to discredit the true ‘conspiracy’ that they have control of the government and the media.

Thank you Neo Nazis. Because of you and others that do not know how to read, Facebook will be supplying us with “satire” labels.

hipster-gta5

So GTA Online’s new update is called “I’m Not A Hipster.” Well… okay, but anyone could have told you that. It’s the most aptly named game update I can think of, and frankly the least likely video game franchise I’d expect “hipster” to be associated with. Come on, it’s GTA. The game is huge! Every new main title is a big event.

This patch is named for the content, which after taking a look is more about clothing choices and character appearance than anything else. The new vehicle options are not hip at all: no mopeds, fixies, or public transit to be found. And then after that, it’s just a regular game update with your average list of new options for things such as colors for cars and whatnot, along with bug fixes and game balance changes. And to further hammer home how oddly normal this whole thing is, take a look at all the GTA Online players complaining about how they wanted more of this and that and all they got was dumb fashion options. Truly, it’s the same everywhere you go.

imnotahipster-gta5

I’m mostly confused since every hipster I know has basically given up on new videogames and can only be counted on for nostalgia gaming like going to the Barcade, or dusting off an N64 you still have for a night of Mario Kart. The big blockbuster nature of new games like the GTA and Call of Duty franchises is an entirely separate world, and it feels odd for one subculture to acknowledge the existence of the other so openly. (Although, I really should have predicted that if it ever happened, one world would end up being sold and marketed to the other.)

So who’s going to play GTA:O this weekend to get in on those sweet sweet “I’m Not A Hipster” limited events? Anyone? …As I thought, all gamers, no hipsters.

clickhole

If there is one thing I hate about the internet, it’s clickbaity websites. You know, the ones that start off with “What this person did is shocking” or end with “You would never guess what happens next!” Or list sites that make absolutely no sense and cover up their nonsense with animated gifs. Is there anything worse?

Now this is where Clickhole.com comes in. Clickhole exists to completely make fun of those stupid quiz sites that everyone shares on Facebook. To make fun or terrible articles with terrible headlines. And lists that make absolutely no sense. Their main targets are Buzzfeed and Upworthy. To a lesser extent they make fun of sites like Gawker and Cracked. They even posted a video of a dinosaur dancing that reminds me of an old YTMND website. They also let you know how many times you’ve clicked. I mean, whats the point of having a clickbait website without knowing how many times you clicked! Seems silly right? (I have clicked 156 times).

The internet is getting mocked. And I am enjoying it.

Box Sets – You were once so good.

Your Simpsons seasons 1-8 let me relive my childhood.

Your price tag however felt outrageous and unjustified.

$75 for Seinfeld? Whoa is me, I cried.

Yet you persevered.

 

Box sets of Futurama. Box sets of Cheers.

Box sets of MASH everywhere.

2014 will be a new year.

One in which Box sets finally die.

For we have Hulu, Netflix, and Torrents to try.

HBO Go for those full of riches.

Steal it from Mommy and Daddy you bitches!

 

Box Sets – you will be our Disco Balls.

Useful in the moment, yet historically small.

 

I’ll see ya around – probably at the next yard sale, along with CDs of Chumbawumba and DVDs of The Mummy.

 

So someone as part of an art exhibit has put together an interactive video game that lets you play as Anne Frank. I don’t even know where to start on something like this. I guess the matter-of-fact questions come first: What genre is this? RPG? Survival horror? Is it graphical, or is it a text-base game? Will it have quicktime events like in Resident Evil? {Tap A to keep quiet} {Tap B to open door}

annefrankgames

Not to mention the moral questions that a game like this brings up. How do you get gamers to play something that they already know the ending to? In an Anne Frank game, you can only achieve BAD END without the game feeling like a copout. How do you implement multiplayer without making one side the Nazis? OR is the multiplayer mode a race against the clock and whomever sells information first about the other player wins? I’m feeling dirty just trying to design this game in my head.

I liked it better when games set in WWII gave you a gun and told you to blast anything wearing Hugo Boss. I think I’ll boot up DOSBox and play some Wolfenstein 3D to wash off the moral ambiguity.

Dr. Christiano, a hair geneticist and dermatology professor at Columbia University Medical Center, found a cure by playing around analyzing discarded baby foreskins. Yup.

The researchers took papilla cells from seven men who were undergoing hair transplants, cultured them in hanging drops and then injected them into human skin grafted onto mice. Not just any human skin: to put their ideas to a rigorous test, the researchers made the grafts from a type of skin that is normally 100 percent hairless — foreskins from circumcised infants. A technique that can grow hair on a foreskin has a pretty good chance of growing it on a person’s head, they reasoned.

Let me tell you. I’m gonna go bald one day. Probably sooner then later. I’ve thought about it – I think about it every day. My head of hair is plush and beautiful. It makes me feel so young and full of vitality. I don’t wanna have a bald spot – I don’t want thinning hair, receding hairline. There may be hope. I may no longer have to blame my fucked up DNA for giving me an increasing amount of face and ass hair but receding head hair.

Seriously. You don’t wanna be a Homer.

And now you won’t have to. Thank you, science. AIDS, Cancer, none of it matters if all the Baby Boomers don’t have their Viagra boners and full heads of hair. I guess now we* can live to 150?

*I mean our 1% overlords.

And some people say circumcision is a bad thing

//Jezebel

Science rules. But unfortunately, Bill’s dancing while injured doesn’t (according to the so-called professionals). Bill Nye broke out the robot while dancing to Daft Punk’s Get Lucky on Dancing With The Stars. The judges didn’t care to much for his dance moves, but we still love him! Bill Bill Bill!

It’s about time! First, podcasts were for nerds. Then, they were cool. Then everyone and their grandmother has a podcast and you remembered that Podcasts are like the Radio, which is totally uncool.

Good news! Podcasts are cool again.

How do I know?

I started one. And the Duckman was a guest on 2 of them.

I started one called The 14th State, in honor of Vermont being the 14th to join the union. I play games with fellow VT comedian Will Betts, and we have a guest on who is involved in music/arts/comedy/is better than you. It’s like NPR but for Vermont and with a lot more ‘fucks’ uttered. And our recording process is much more bootleg.

The Duckman’s first appearance was on Square Pop‘s Brainfreeze where they talked about what religion meant as a child, and other things that are totally NSFW but worth listening to if you’re not my mother.

And The Duckman’s second appearance was on The Green Light Show down in Jacksonville with the great daveysaurusrex. There he talked about weird shit mostly having to do with his vast knowledge in sexting. So again, if you’re a family member, please skip this one. Everyone else can get real uncomfortable and take a listen to what goes on in the every day Jacksonville life.

So if you’re looking for podcast guests, we make great ones. Hit us up.

No one goes to the Opera. The opera is for rich assholes and people with European Renaissance fetishes. Sometimes someone genius, or insane, or probably a bit of both, writes an opera injected with pop culture. Specifically, in homage to the Mario Bros.

Jon Mann has created a Mario Bros Rock Opera. To say it looks amazing is an understatement. It should be made – it should be the next Fistful of Quarters of the opera world. It should encourage an entire generation to appreciate the opera as an art form.

We’ve missed it – but maybe this cultural masterpiece will come back to NYC. I mean, if Jeff Mangum can come back, I’m pretty sure anything is possible.

//LaughingSquid