It’s Tuesday and I’m checking my email. What does The Duckman send me to write on today? It’s an American Apparel advertisement with this headline:
Remember, You’re Part of the Family! Take 30% Off Next Purchase.
Below I find a picture that will change my life. It’s an overtly 1980s picture of Dov Charney’s family, pre-Bar Mitzvah.
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I had to write a piece of Dov Charney fan fiction based off of this picture. So here goes.
Dov looked nervously at his Bar Mitzvah portion. He knew it by heart – heck, he practiced it hundreds of times while strolling down Crescent Street, gawking at all the obvious, gauche tourists stumbling half-drunken in the cold, winter Montreal sun. Today was different – today was the day he’d finally become a man.
Last week he had bought deodorant and a razer. Sure, puberty still hadn’t truly touched his childish body, but he was a man, damnit, and nobody could take that away from him. He didn’t know why, but it was that same week that he finally noticed clothing styles – not in the way that a typical 12-year-old would love soccer and football and hockey jerseys. Dov understood fashion. He knew that 1982 was going to be the height of fashion – the glasses, the short shorts, the creepiness of it all.
First, Dov had to become a man. That’s where his family helped.
The day before Dov read his Torah portion, he took a picture with his family, the type of picture that would be personified by his future Instagram-loving clientele. In front of him was Uncle Leo, the middle-aged uncle who taught him how to drink shots of schnops before Saturday services. To his right was the uncle that lent him his first nudie mag – Playboy’s November 1981 with Shannon Lee Tweed on the cover. Oh how he loved to think dirty, dirty thoughts about Shannon.
As the photographer set up the shot, Dov just wished his uncle, the famous architect Moshe Safdie, was attending his Bar Mitzvah. How Dov wished to be an architect one day; a man of the arts, famous for his artistic integrity and slavery to the finest details.
Later, Dov would attend Choate Rosemary Hall in Connecticut, a boarding school that JFK once attended. He’d start his own business and become a successful businessman-creeper. For now he was just a regular 13 year old, celebrating with family and thinking about girls. Always about the girls.
Because at American Apparel, when you’re family…
It’s 30%. And Sexy.