Archives For BullshitForAssholes

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!

Double Sunday (DS): What is Jewishness to you?

Matty Goldberg (MG): Jewishness to me is being yourself. People have always said I am a stereotypical Jew. I guess, by the way I look, my stature and glasses. I do not aim for this. I aim just to be Matty. I see cultural Judaism as being an individual and always raising questions. I love that there are so many great Jewish writers, comedians and artists.

DS: What was it like to grow up Jewish?

MG: I didn’t have a typical Jewish childhood. My parents were very anti-religious, so I was never bar mitzvahed. All my friends had to go to Hebrew school. I actually felt lucky I didn’t have to go. I was never one for school. I was ashamed of my last name because it was so jewish and I felt [the] anti-semitism. It wasn’t until later in life how proud I am of my last name. Goldberg is beautiful. I’m proud to be a Goldberg.

DS: Is Jewishness a part of your life now? If so, how?

MG: Culturally, yes. I’m just proud to be part of a great community and now super proud of who I am. I don’t know how religious I’ll ever get. I’ve never been through the rituals and I know if I tried, it could feel forced. I do enjoy going to Shabbats where a bunch of Jews shoot the shit about life and try to answer big questions. I plan on being myself, but I’ll never run from my identity.

DS: So Matty, you have written a memoir that recounts your childhood briefly and, in greater depth, your recovery from a brain tumor. You also shared intimate accounts of a friend’s death. What inspired you to share your story?

MG: I am a stand up comic, and as much as a run away from it. I can’t. Three to four years ago, I had time off and I started writing about my experience with having a brain tumor. After my diagnosis in college, I became reclusive. I had the surgery and had to recover for 6 months with no communication to the outside world. I’ve had to relearn my social skills. I was so scared. My best friend was helping because we did comedy together. But, after he died, the loss, everything was hard to do what we were doing before. The comedy. Nothing mattered without him.

So, I wanted to stay creative and I started writing. I wanted to tell my story with his because I learned what I was doing because of him.

Matty Goldberg and Double Sunday screen shot of Skype interview.

Matty Goldberg and Double Sunday screen shot of Skype interview.

DS: Your book seemed less about you, and more about your friends.

MG: That’s true. Life is a weird bizarre game. People define who you are. I started writing in 2006, and I wrote 3 to 4 chapters, but when my friend died.

DS: You talked a lot about your friend and his death. How was it to write on someone’s behalf?

MG: I talked to his mother, and I asked her if it was ok. I sent her the chapters, and she gave me her blessing. And then we talked about him, his comedy, how he loved porno—and all of his interesting pictures..like when he was 27 playing the guitar naked. Weird shit like that about him, and we loved him. She gave me carte blanche. Nothing was censored.

DS: The book is written in a conversational tone. What that intentional?

MG: Yes, I don’t have the best vocabulary, so my editor helped me dig deeper. That helped keep it in my own voice. That’s what its like to do stand-up. And what’s it’s like going on in my head. Like, suddenly, you’re 20 years old and you might actually die. So, I wanted [my voice] to be vivid, like how I felt.

DS: Why is being funny important?

MG: IIt goes back to my awkward time in college when I didn’t know how to talk to people. And when I did stand up, I felt like, ‘WOW! I’m important.’. I gained self-confidence. I don’t even know what funny is. Funny is funny. It gave me self-confidence. The stage gave me poetic license to be myself. Confidence is beautiful.

DS: Have you always been a reader?

MG: In high school, I was not. In college, I was reading 3 to 4 books a month. And now I love the Kindle. My favorite writer is Philip Roth. Wonderful Jewish man. He’s brilliant. I’m low brow—but he understands the human psyche. And, he also understands the Jewish man.

DS: Do you think understanding the human psyche important for comedy?

MG: Absolutely. You go up there, and they read you in 5 sec. The audience thinks, ‘this guy is this or this that’. And you can either stand there to agree or not. So you go from there. You have to be in touch.

DS: Do you have any written work prior to “Brain Humor”?

MG: I wrote a few essays about cats during my surgery (here).


Matty has also appeared in Jessie Kahnweiler’s short film Meet My Rapist.

Matty Goldberg will be attending a book signing on March 26th 2014 at New York Comedy Club at 9pm. You can also purchase a copy of his new book Brain Humor from Amazon.com.

The NYTimes has an article about the most boring book about the Holocaust ever, Because you didn’t think THAT was possible!

There is no plot to speak of, and the characters are woefully undeveloped. On the upside, it can be a quick read — especially considering its 1,250 pages.

Okay, so that sounds like it may not be a total piece of shit? I mean…more pages than Harry Potter but also no plot or characters? Did a child write this book?

The book, more art than literature, consists of the single word “Jew,” in tiny type, printed six million times to signify the number of Jews killed during the Holocaust. It is meant as a kind of coffee-table monument of memory, a conversation starter and thought provoker.

Oh, so it’s not a book, it’s a ‘book’; it’s an art project that pretends to be a book. That could be cool, right?

“When you look at this at a distance, you can’t tell whether it’s upside down or right-side up, you can’t tell what’s here; it looks like a pattern,” said Phil Chernofsky, the author, though that term may be something of a stretch. “That’s how the Nazis viewed their victims: These are not individuals, these are not people, these are just a mass we have to exterminate. “Now get closer, put on your reading glasses, and pick a ‘Jew,’ ” Mr. Chernofsky continued. “That Jew could be you. Next to him is your brother. Oh, look, your uncles and aunts and cousins and your whole extended family. A row, a line, those are your classmates. Now you get lost in a kind of meditative state where you look at one word, ‘Jew,’ you look at one Jew, you focus on it and then your mind starts to go because who is he, where did he live, what did he want to do when he grew up?”

Nope. Just really really depressing. More depressing than having to read anything by Tolstoi.

Coffee table book conversation starter? More like coffee book table get really drunk starter.

May as well show Schindler’s List to a bunch of grade school children.

It’s Tuesday and I’m checking my email. What does The Duckman send me to write on today? It’s an American Apparel advertisement with this headline:

Remember, You’re Part of the Family! Take 30% Off Next Purchase.

Below I find a picture that will change my life. It’s an overtly 1980s picture of Dov Charney’s family, pre-Bar Mitzvah.

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Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I had to write a piece of Dov Charney fan fiction based off of this picture. So here goes.

Dov looked nervously at his Bar Mitzvah portion. He knew it by heart – heck, he practiced it hundreds of times while strolling down Crescent Street, gawking at all the obvious, gauche tourists stumbling half-drunken in the cold, winter Montreal sun. Today was different – today was the day he’d finally become a man.

Last week he had bought deodorant and a razer. Sure, puberty still hadn’t truly touched his childish body, but he was a man, damnit, and nobody could take that away from him. He didn’t know why, but it was that same week that he finally noticed clothing styles – not in the way that a typical 12-year-old would love soccer and football and hockey jerseys. Dov understood fashion. He knew that 1982 was going to be the height of fashion – the glasses, the short shorts, the creepiness of it all.

First, Dov had to become a man. That’s where his family helped.

The day before Dov read his Torah portion, he took a picture with his family, the type of picture that would be personified by his future Instagram-loving clientele. In front of him was Uncle Leo, the middle-aged uncle who taught him how to drink shots of schnops before Saturday services. To his right was the uncle that lent him his first nudie mag – Playboy’s November 1981 with Shannon Lee Tweed on the cover. Oh how he loved to think dirty, dirty thoughts about Shannon.

As the photographer set up the shot, Dov just wished his uncle, the famous architect Moshe Safdie, was attending his Bar Mitzvah. How Dov wished to be an architect one day; a man of the arts, famous for his artistic integrity and slavery to the finest details.

Later, Dov would attend Choate Rosemary Hall in Connecticut, a boarding school that JFK once attended. He’d start his own business and become a successful businessman-creeper. For now he was just a regular 13 year old, celebrating with family and thinking about girls. Always about the girls.

Because at American Apparel, when you’re family…

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It’s 30%. And Sexy.

I don’t understand book trailers. Like, I get that books don’t sell well. I understand that nobody wants to read books, now that we have Duck Dynasty or whatever stupid idiot happens to grab the attention of the public conscience. Who doesn’t want to be enticed by a shiny video with The Office characters and LOLZ?

It’s probably the only way to get those damn ‘kids’ hooked on Phonics. The video seems way too self serving – like I know it’s about your book, but maybe make some jokes that aren’t about your book? I dunno. I’ve never directed anything and I’m not fancy actor guy.

The book, well the excerpts I’ve read, do seem quite funny. And outside of a Michael Ian Black book, I can’t think of the last time I’ve bought a book of comedic writings (that wasn’t a biography).

Clearly you’ve won, book trailer. I don’t understand you, but I like you.

After Vogue released a few photos from the Lena Dunham photoshoot, Jezebel put a bounty on the untouched photos. And without hesitation the world delivered. While most of the images were barely touched, this one had the most “fixes.”
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lena-vogue

lena

And from here we will actually not bother wondering why Lena Dunham allowed such a thing to happen. Or what this means in the greater realm of things. Instead we will just post Lena’s latest tweet which I assume has to do with this non controversy.

UPDATE

In an interview with Slate, Lena Dunham responds to the criticism to her Vogue photoshoot.

I understand that for people there is a contradiction between what I do and being on the cover of Vogue; but frankly I really don’t know what the photoshopping situation is, I can’t look at myself really objectively in that way. I know that I felt really like Vogue supported me and wanted to put a depiction of me on the cover. I never felt bullied into anything; I felt really happy because they dressed me and styled me in a way that really reflects who I am. And I felt that was very lucky and that all the editors understood my persona, my creativity and who I am. I haven’t been keeping track of all the reactions, but I know some people have been very angry about the cover and that confuses me a little. I don’t understand why, photoshop or no, having a woman who is different than the typical Vogue cover girl, could be a bad thing.

A fashion magazine is like a beautiful fantasy. Vogue isn’t the place that we go to look at realistic women, Vogue is the place that we go to look at beautiful clothes and fancy places and escapism and so I feel like if the story reflects me and I happen to be wearing a beautiful Prada dress and surrounded by beautiful men and dogs, what’s the problem? If they want to see what I really look like go watch the show that I make every single week.

Coachella is THE music festival to hit up. It’s where all the drugs will be, all the girls looking to get high and hook up. It’s where white kids and wealthy kids can continue to be wealthy and white. $375 for tickets – and you have to be willing to travel nearly to Joshua Tree, California. And holy shit are these bands for every type of white person out there. Outkast for the white boy who loves rap more than he should (that’s me!). Muse for the ones who love the rock of their teen years. Arcade Fire for the more mainstream Hipsters and high school seniors.

Do you think you could craft the perfect Coachella Lineup? Think you could outdo this year?

Try your luck with the Coachella Generator.

I know what I’ll be doing those two weekends in April.

chicky_coachella

Myself.

We all have goy friends, goy relatives, goy lovers. We all need to get them something for Xmas or they’re gonna get really pissed – I mean, they deserved it, with their marginal belief in Christianity and organized religion as a whole. So what does a Hipster Jew give their heathen brethren?

1. Hipster Santa Cards

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Nothing says ‘this holiday is bullshit’ like a bunch of well-designed ironic Xmas cards. Although let’s be honest, who wouldn’t wanna date Hipster Santa? He’s well dressed and is quite fit. And damn, that beard.

2. Ironic Santa Sweaterhipster_santa- Sweater

You’re just a small-town girl, living in a major city. You need a sweater that shows you know what fashion was like in the 90s. And you need to make sure everyone knows you find NOTHING sacred. This is the sweater for you.

3. One-of-a-Kind-Ugly-Xmas-Sweater

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Anyone can buy an Xmas sweater off the rack. But a sweater that is terrible, ugly, AND unique? Sounds like we’ve found a little Hipster Holiday Snowflake.

 4. Hipster Deer Clock

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As far as Hipster items go, this one is kind of useful. It’s a clock. And a reindeer, with a mustache and fake Rayband sunglasses. It’s perfect for hanging right next to your friend’s organically grown Xmas tree.

5. Mustache Ornament

mustache_xmas_ornament

Going to a kind-of-friend’s house for Xmas? Or are you just looking for a stocking stuffer (that’s a codeword for a cheap asshole)? Get the hipster mustache ornament and make every Xmas tree annoyingly hip and douchetastically amazing.

6. Santa Tee

santa_xmas_hipster_tee

Sometimes you want to live simple. Sometimes you want to show you’re different than everyone, but in a subtle way. If your friend is this type of person, and/or their parents are Christian ministers and only like a little bit of irony, then this is the gift! A tee shirt. You can hide it with a regular, non-ironic Santa sweater during the day, and show it off at night under the Mistletoe. Secret Hipster Agent Person.

7. Hipster Boyfriend Doll

hipster_boyfriend

This is the gift for the platonic female/gay best friend of yours who always has had a thing for Hipsters. It’s a doll! It’s a boyfriend! It’s perfect for all those single people who need to pretend to be happy during the holidays but are stuck at home in their childhood bedroom trying to forget and not cry about their childhood memories. They can clutch this doll and pray for better days.

Are you feeling sad? Hanukkah is almost over! The end is near! Thanksgivukkah will never happen again, and we will never remember how glorious and niche the gifts were! Don’t you feel sad? Even just a little? It’s probably Seasonal Affective Disorder, but in case it’s not, there’s one last Hanukkah gift that will really get you into the laughing mood. I’m not being ironic or facetious about this.

This print, of a Mexican fighting Dreidel head, is amazing. If I owned a home, and was into whimsical reprints of original artwork, I would be ALL OVER THIS. But since I know I’m gonna die early, I’ve decided not to invest in anything beautiful or fun.

The Dreidel Libre Print is the only Hanukkah Art worth buying 5 of and handing them out as gifts. He’s the only Jewish Mexican fighter who has a smile on his face, even after 8 days of wrestling bouts. He’s the only fighter who has a 4-sided head AND is dressed like the genie from Alladin. In short: Dreidel Libre is perfect.

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Any ladies or men wanting to wrastle naked with him, covered in oil a la Greek Olympian Style?

So ends the 8 days of homage to Etsy, and more importantly Regretsy. We hope you had a great Thanksgivukkah, and maybe you even managed to snag 1 or 2 of the best Hanukkah gifts that Etsy has to offer.

If you missed 1 or 7 of the nights, click here to read them all.

On the 7th day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me/the only think a Hipster Jew would ever want to see!

It’s a Western-style Shirt. It costs over $100. It’s Jewish. But it’s also so much more. Mostly a Jewish star and a couple lions trying to eat the Ten Commandments. Pretty much the best shirt ever made, and it’s one-of-a-kind so you won’t have to worry about seeing it on sale at Urban Outfitters ever. EVER. You can’t put a price on uniqueness. And if you had to, I’d say $125 is pretty cheap.* It’s from Nashville, so you know it’s LEGIT.

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Haven’t you always dreamed of being a Jewish cowboy?

*Sadly it is NOT for small Hipster Jews. Large ones only!