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Kosher porn! It’s not what you think it is. It’s the only Rabbi-approved Jewish-themed SFW pornography on the internet.* And now, you can buy it in book form. Coffee book form. You get all your Jewish-related memes in one easy book, one you can hide when your parents come visit because THEY wont understand how hilarious this is. Okay, actually, this book is probably 130% Jewish Mom approved.

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It’s the perfect type of kitsch to give as a gift. Literally, it doesn’t matter what the occasion. Valentine’s Day? Gift it. Passover Seder? Gift it. Graduation? Gift it. Dating a Jew? Gift it. Don’t know anyone who is Jewish and aren’t Jewish yourself? I don’t know why you are reading this blog, but fuck it, gift it twice!

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Now, after affirming my love for Kosher Porn, I hope that when they make Kosher Porn II, The Musical, they’ll ask me and the Duckman and everyone else at Hipster Jew if we will submit some of our sexy sexy gross cheesy Jewish pick up lines w/ uncomfortably attractive and awkward pictures.

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I give this book 4.5 out of 5 Big Lebowskis, because I’m jaded and only like super gross jokes but I know that this book is the perfect amount of entertaining. This Dude Abides, Man.dude-fourhalf-star

BUY THIS BOOK, YOU BEAUTIFUL HEEB!

*This statement has been approved by nobody, not even a Rabbi Nobody.

urban-outfitters-tapestry-2015 (1)This morning I saw that the ADL has been pressuring Urban Outfitters to take down this shirt. At first I thought that Abe Foxman has fallen off his rocker again. I mean come… on… A striped shirt with a pink triangle? What does that have to do with the Holocaust? Because Homosexuals had to wear a pink triangle in concentration camps? And because people in concentration camps had to wear gray striped clothing? Seems like a bit of a stretch to me…

But then I remembered. I remembered how many Urban Outfitters scandals we have written about. I remembered the ones that involved Jews and the ones that did not. I remembered that this isn’t the first time Urban Outfitters has dealt with a Holocaust chic scandal.

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So maybe this isn’t just an odd coincidence. Urban Outfitters loves controversy. They love being talked about even in a negative way. Maybe this is exactly what they wanted.

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There is a lot of Lumbersexual hate going around in recent days. What’s a lumbersexual you ask? I really don’t know. It seems like people are hating on dudes with beards who like to wear plaid. And since I am a dude with a beard who likes to wear plaid, I would like to come out and say that some of us grow beards because we don’t have a choice. Have you seen me without a beard? I don’t have a chin!

We also grow beards because we can. I mean, I’ve had people up to age 60 tell me how jealous they are of my beard. It’s so wonderful. So full and slightly orange. It’s really a thing of beauty.

My beard was also great to me at age 19-20 because I was able to buy so much alcohol without being carded. Yay Beards!

So please. The next time you write your Lumbersexual hate pieces, remember that there are some of us who grow beards because we have to. Not because we’re here to appease you.

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle everyone! The Christmas knockoff of a lazy parenting trick, Elf on the Shelf, is now making it’s way to the homes of spoiled Jewish children. While Mensch on the Bench has been on shelves since since 2013, everyone knows the only way to make real money is to add other sidekicks and supporting characters (MERCHANDISIN’!). And sometimes, even though you’re a former Hasbro Exec, you need to ask people for some of their money (because spending one’s own money is too damn hard sometimes).

That’s right, people. Mensch on the Bench is so legit now. How legit? They got $150,000 from Shark Tank for 15% of the business,, AND they were mentioned in my hometown paper, The Providence Journal.

BFD, people. BFD. Remember this as the day that we finally won the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

//via Projo

Rejoice Jewish Harry Potter fans! One of our own has been eating Bertie Botts while fighting alongside Dumbledore’s Army.

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Let’s be real. Your kid owns a lot of stupid, shitty toys. These toys are sold to you (and them) by terrible companies that have zero qualms about advertising to children on their favorite TV shows. Advertising to kids is the worse thing you can do, unless you are a Hipster and have super good taste in everything. Otherwise you’re kid is gonna want to listen to One Direction and barf out with the latest Disney Princess collection.

Buy your child this hipster clothes paper doll set. It’s cheap, it’s JPEG, and you can always edit it how you see fit. It’s cheaper than the trash you’re buying them now, and it harkens back to the days when you’re parents didn’t love you and only bought you the cheapest of cheap toys.

Atleast there’s no small plastic pieces for the dog to choke on/poop out?
//graphicriver

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This may be the final death blow to all music everywhere. One day in the future we will say “Music, what was that? You mean the noises the iRobot Corporation makes for us so that we can pretend we live on Earth and not in our space colony?” That music.

Sure, not all of it was great. There was Nickelback. Some of it was secretly sonically delicious, like T-Swift. But atleast it was OUR music. Atleast there was heart and soul. Now, there’s only Sour Patch Kids. In a house. Tricking all of NYC into selling out.

Bands and touring musicians looking for sweet relief from their touring schedules may soon start dreaming about Sour Patch Kids.

A couple weeks ago, the Mondelez-owned candy brand opened up a house in Brooklyn where touring bands can recover from the rigors of the road. It’s called the Brooklyn Patch, and according to Mondelez marketing director Farrah Bezner, the Patch represents a long-term investment in indie music culture.

At what cost? Do you have to burn all your Pixies albums? Do you have to pledge allegiance to Generic Indie Band of the Month? Nothing in life is free, especially with shitty corporations funded by the terrible dentists. Tell me, Sour Patch ‘Kids’, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING IN RETURN?!?! Blow jobs?

Nevertheless, there is a quid pro quo associated with staying at the Patch. Artists who stay at the house are expected to create some content that Sour Patch Kids can share across a number of digital channels, which include a Brooklyn Patch-branded Tumblr as well as the brand’s Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. Ms. Bezner said it is also exploring the possibility of adding further amplification partners.

Blow jobs.

“We’re a tastemaking agency,” said Alex Kirshbaum, Jesse Kirshbaum’s brother and a partner at NUE Agency. “They trust us.”

Look. Being a musician sucks. The pay is miniscule, if at all, and there’s a ton of hours on the road. But that’s why you have friends, or you meet other bands and crash at each other’s apartments. Don’t sleep at Sour Patch Manor. And definitely don’t trust people who call themselves a ‘tastemaking agency’. Those buzzwords have no place for people who are looking to create expressive, personal art.

 

//Adage

This Land is Mine is a beautiful / terrifying depiction of the last 6000 years in the land of Canaan / Israel / Palestine. Millennia after Millennia of war and death over the small piece of land many have called their rightful home.

The list of participating parties:

Early Man
Canaanite
Egyptian
Assyrian
Israelite
Babylonian
Macedonian/Greek
Greek/Macedonian
Ptolemaic
Seleucid
Hebrew Priest
Maccabee
Roman
Byzantine
Arab Caliph
Crusader
Mamluk of Egypt
Ottoman Turk
Arab
British
Palestinian
European Jew/Zionist
PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
State of Israel
Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
The Angel of Death

What’s going on today in the life of Hipsters? Oh, just the usual. Someone making another listicle about hipsters.

What’s this listicle about? It’s about how your kid is turning into a hipster! LOL! Kids wearing sunglasses and watching obscure 90s cartoons.
Maybe your kid acts like a Hipster because you’ve made them into your own hipster-devil spawn? Maybe they watch VHS of Inspector Gadget because you’re a nostalgic monster who won’t let them enjoy Yo Gabba Gabba or Adventure Time?

Kids aren’t Hipsters. You’re a Hipster. Let your kid live and love whatever stupid Disney prince or princess they want.

Just remember, kids hate what their parents love when the kids are all grown up. So do them a favor and ironically love everything they love. I promise, it’ll pay off in the end.

It only took a few weeks, but Dov Charney is back with American Apparel. After a video surfaced of Dov walking in the nude around employees, American Apparel decided to ax Dov from his own company. After years of sticking up for Dov’s alleged pervy / abusive behavior, the board of directors had enough. At least enough to give Dov a short vacation from the company, only to hire him back as a creative consultant. Welcome back Dov!

And now for no reason at all, here is a video of Dov Charney (Rich Fulcher) and Terry Richardson (Moshe Kasher) looking for America’s Next Sick Fuck.