Archives For BullshitForAssholes


The beast isn’t totally dead yet, but American Apparel, Dov Charney’s brainchild and onetime outfitter of hipsters everywhere, is going through a public disintegration that signals the end of a fraught relationship between the hip and the company that tried to capture their money. AA filed for bankruptcy last week. It was never about the clothes, and probably to the company’s detriment.

The fact that AA was helmed by a seriously notorious pervert was never a secret, but the marketing almost celebrated the crassness of an owner who is now being pelted with lawsuits from former employees. Even when business was not awful, the transparent sexism of AA completely overshadowed the fact that they were using American labor to manufacture the clothes. Does diverting money away from international sweatshop exploitation make up for sexual harassment here in the States? What about the persistent rumors of discriminatory hiring practices in the storefronts? How about the fact that even the mannequins in the front of the shops were at one point decorated with comically heavy amounts of pubic hair in service of the CEO’s preferred aesthetic? The sheer amount of ways the sleaze overwhelmed their pro-worker policy doomed the experiment, even maybe along with hiring a unionized, American factory. Yet admitting defeat and saving overhead by shipping all of the manufacturing to the cheapest bidder would have been an indictment of the entire US manufacturing industry, especially the garment industry, and may never have been on the table. Still, Charney being the worst creep in the country other than Terry Richardson (and go figure, hiring Terry Richardson for a few photoshoots) did AA no favors.

Now, after vacillating between kicking out Charney and bringing him back over a period of several months, the tagline of using American workers is getting smaller and smaller at AA. And the affiliated workers are holding pro-Dov demonstrations, beating up an effigy of new CEO Paula Schneider. Stock prices are at an all time low. I guess what I’m trying to say is, once you start seeing AA clothes in your local thrift store, they’ll be worth double their usual hipster points. Be sure to be on the lookout.


Let’s talk about my least favorite thing in the world: Branding!

It’s quite possibly the most boring and inane concept to really talk about, especially when the conversation takes place in corporate doubletalk. (Have you seen the Nike powerpoint slides they use to introduce Brand to big university athletic departments? It’s a digital sleep drug) But deep down, when you strip off the MBA bullshit speak, it’s kind of sinister.

Taco Bell realized that their sales are tanking, so what did they do? BRAND. They opened a restaurant called US Taco Co. No visual connection to Taco Bell. Stupid goofy taco names on their menu like “The One Percenter” (lobster taco). Like magic, people start to come to this new Taco Bell and decide they like it. It’s Taco Bell but it isn’t, and the power of BRAND helps to cover the tracks, and all of a sudden people are stuffing their face with rerouted tacos. It’s working so well, there was even a rumor that there was a US Taco Co coming to the heart of Chicago’s hipster paradise, Wicker Park, right on Milwaukee Ave. Close enough to compete with the traditional drunk taco shack Big Star.

McDonald’s is in deep shit too, even worse than Taco Bell. Sales are down, employees want to be paid like real people instead of numbers on an overhead sheet, no one wants to eat their antibiotic meat. And it seems like every two weeks someone finds a chicken head in their nuggets. Here comes BRAND to save the sinking ship: a burger joint in Australia called “The Corner.” And it’s working.

Be on your guard. BRAND works, even if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. Especially if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. And drunk you doesn’t care if your tacos are actually indie. The marketing people are determined to crack every demographic, and the group that defines themselves by being DIY, independent and anti-big business is seen as a challenge, not a deterrent. Make sure your only big company purchase is PBR.

Kosher porn! It’s not what you think it is. It’s the only Rabbi-approved Jewish-themed SFW pornography on the internet.* And now, you can buy it in book form. Coffee book form. You get all your Jewish-related memes in one easy book, one you can hide when your parents come visit because THEY wont understand how hilarious this is. Okay, actually, this book is probably 130% Jewish Mom approved.


It’s the perfect type of kitsch to give as a gift. Literally, it doesn’t matter what the occasion. Valentine’s Day? Gift it. Passover Seder? Gift it. Graduation? Gift it. Dating a Jew? Gift it. Don’t know anyone who is Jewish and aren’t Jewish yourself? I don’t know why you are reading this blog, but fuck it, gift it twice!


Now, after affirming my love for Kosher Porn, I hope that when they make Kosher Porn II, The Musical, they’ll ask me and the Duckman and everyone else at Hipster Jew if we will submit some of our sexy sexy gross cheesy Jewish pick up lines w/ uncomfortably attractive and awkward pictures.


I give this book 4.5 out of 5 Big Lebowskis, because I’m jaded and only like super gross jokes but I know that this book is the perfect amount of entertaining. This Dude Abides, Man.dude-fourhalf-star


*This statement has been approved by nobody, not even a Rabbi Nobody.

urban-outfitters-tapestry-2015 (1)This morning I saw that the ADL has been pressuring Urban Outfitters to take down this shirt. At first I thought that Abe Foxman has fallen off his rocker again. I mean come… on… A striped shirt with a pink triangle? What does that have to do with the Holocaust? Because Homosexuals had to wear a pink triangle in concentration camps? And because people in concentration camps had to wear gray striped clothing? Seems like a bit of a stretch to me…

But then I remembered. I remembered how many Urban Outfitters scandals we have written about. I remembered the ones that involved Jews and the ones that did not. I remembered that this isn’t the first time Urban Outfitters has dealt with a Holocaust chic scandal.

biz insider urban outfitters

So maybe this isn’t just an odd coincidence. Urban Outfitters loves controversy. They love being talked about even in a negative way. Maybe this is exactly what they wanted.


There is a lot of Lumbersexual hate going around in recent days. What’s a lumbersexual you ask? I really don’t know. It seems like people are hating on dudes with beards who like to wear plaid. And since I am a dude with a beard who likes to wear plaid, I would like to come out and say that some of us grow beards because we don’t have a choice. Have you seen me without a beard? I don’t have a chin!

We also grow beards because we can. I mean, I’ve had people up to age 60 tell me how jealous they are of my beard. It’s so wonderful. So full and slightly orange. It’s really a thing of beauty.

My beard was also great to me at age 19-20 because I was able to buy so much alcohol without being carded. Yay Beards!

So please. The next time you write your Lumbersexual hate pieces, remember that there are some of us who grow beards because we have to. Not because we’re here to appease you.

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle everyone! The Christmas knockoff of a lazy parenting trick, Elf on the Shelf, is now making it’s way to the homes of spoiled Jewish children. While Mensch on the Bench has been on shelves since since 2013, everyone knows the only way to make real money is to add other sidekicks and supporting characters (MERCHANDISIN’!). And sometimes, even though you’re a former Hasbro Exec, you need to ask people for some of their money (because spending one’s own money is too damn hard sometimes).

That’s right, people. Mensch on the Bench is so legit now. How legit? They got $150,000 from Shark Tank for 15% of the business,, AND they were mentioned in my hometown paper, The Providence Journal.

BFD, people. BFD. Remember this as the day that we finally won the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

//via Projo

Rejoice Jewish Harry Potter fans! One of our own has been eating Bertie Botts while fighting alongside Dumbledore’s Army.


Let’s be real. Your kid owns a lot of stupid, shitty toys. These toys are sold to you (and them) by terrible companies that have zero qualms about advertising to children on their favorite TV shows. Advertising to kids is the worse thing you can do, unless you are a Hipster and have super good taste in everything. Otherwise you’re kid is gonna want to listen to One Direction and barf out with the latest Disney Princess collection.

Buy your child this hipster clothes paper doll set. It’s cheap, it’s JPEG, and you can always edit it how you see fit. It’s cheaper than the trash you’re buying them now, and it harkens back to the days when you’re parents didn’t love you and only bought you the cheapest of cheap toys.

Atleast there’s no small plastic pieces for the dog to choke on/poop out?


This may be the final death blow to all music everywhere. One day in the future we will say “Music, what was that? You mean the noises the iRobot Corporation makes for us so that we can pretend we live on Earth and not in our space colony?” That music.

Sure, not all of it was great. There was Nickelback. Some of it was secretly sonically delicious, like T-Swift. But atleast it was OUR music. Atleast there was heart and soul. Now, there’s only Sour Patch Kids. In a house. Tricking all of NYC into selling out.

Bands and touring musicians looking for sweet relief from their touring schedules may soon start dreaming about Sour Patch Kids.

A couple weeks ago, the Mondelez-owned candy brand opened up a house in Brooklyn where touring bands can recover from the rigors of the road. It’s called the Brooklyn Patch, and according to Mondelez marketing director Farrah Bezner, the Patch represents a long-term investment in indie music culture.

At what cost? Do you have to burn all your Pixies albums? Do you have to pledge allegiance to Generic Indie Band of the Month? Nothing in life is free, especially with shitty corporations funded by the terrible dentists. Tell me, Sour Patch ‘Kids’, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING IN RETURN?!?! Blow jobs?

Nevertheless, there is a quid pro quo associated with staying at the Patch. Artists who stay at the house are expected to create some content that Sour Patch Kids can share across a number of digital channels, which include a Brooklyn Patch-branded Tumblr as well as the brand’s Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. Ms. Bezner said it is also exploring the possibility of adding further amplification partners.

Blow jobs.

“We’re a tastemaking agency,” said Alex Kirshbaum, Jesse Kirshbaum’s brother and a partner at NUE Agency. “They trust us.”

Look. Being a musician sucks. The pay is miniscule, if at all, and there’s a ton of hours on the road. But that’s why you have friends, or you meet other bands and crash at each other’s apartments. Don’t sleep at Sour Patch Manor. And definitely don’t trust people who call themselves a ‘tastemaking agency’. Those buzzwords have no place for people who are looking to create expressive, personal art.



This Land is Mine is a beautiful / terrifying depiction of the last 6000 years in the land of Canaan / Israel / Palestine. Millennia after Millennia of war and death over the small piece of land many have called their rightful home.

The list of participating parties:

Early Man
Hebrew Priest
Arab Caliph
Mamluk of Egypt
Ottoman Turk
European Jew/Zionist
State of Israel
Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
The Angel of Death