Archives For Backyard Jewball

22 year old Chabad Rabbi from La Costa, California, loves MMA. He knows Krav Maga (duh, all Rabbis are taught this). Now if only he’d get into a Talmudic argument and go Fight Club on his Rebbe. Seriously, I’d join a Rabbi Fight Club. If only they weren’t mostly out of shape, old men.*

*No, being on a Rabbi-Only softball team does NOT make you a member of a fight club.

//Failed Messiah

Grossmann-kick-save2

What’s Steve Mason doing so far out of the net?
Why did Kyle Turris miss an open net?
Oh yeah, and I guess nice save Nicklas Grossmann.

Nothing went right for Ottawa in this 5-2 loss to the Flyers.

hasid-cross-street

No seriously. Why did he cross the road? The New York Marathon is going on and you can see this guy just zip back and forth like he’s playing a game of frogger. What some people don’t realize is that when you play frogger in real life, people tend to get hurt. derp de derp. Maybe he heard about the legs and thigh sale.

// r/nyc

Big fan of Jonathan Ames, and everything he’s written including Bored to Death. Here he retells a story of himself, where he boxed a man in a hotel room that he met on a gay chat line, and that the loser had to give the other guy a blowjob.

//Splitsider

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Elul

Disgraced MLB MVP, Ryan Braun, is getting into the holiday spirit and asking for forgiveness on his past mistakes. CBS 58 reports that Braun is calling up a select amount of Brewers season ticket holders and fans to apologize for his actions, his words, and how much he let down the great city of Milwaukee. What a perfect thing to do in the month of Elul, a time when we ask our acquaintances and God for forgiveness.

“Hey there’s a guy on the phone claiming to be Ryan Braun, it’s probably one of your buddies messing with you.”

That’s exactly what Kelly’s Bleachers owner Pat Guenther thought Thursday afternoon.

He picked up the phone thinking it’d be a joke.

“Hey Pat this is Ryan Braun,” Guenther recalls. “Right then and there I knew it was his voice based on interviews I’ve seen on TV. I knew damn well it was his voice.”

So he did what anyone in the service industry would do.

“I said what can I do for you? He said, I messed up, in a nutshell, I messed up. I just want to reach out and say I’m sorry. I cut him off right there. I said you know Ryan, I think you’re an amazing athlete and this speaks volumes to your character to reach out to a small business owner like myself and let us know that you are going to do better.”

May you be written in God’s book of judgement with an asterisk.

 

Oh, you know. Larry David happened to be in Martha’s Vineyard, and Obama also happened to be vacationing. So what do two of the most powerful men in the world do? They play some motherfuckin’ golf, that’s what! And then CNN cameras happen to be there to capture it. The end.

nba-ref-jdate

Some people say online dating doesn’t work. Some people hate it. Those people are the ones that couldn’t find someone successful like… an NBA ref. Marat Kogut, A nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn, has found love on JDate and has plastered it all over NYC (or just Time Square). Cute… I guess… But please note to any girls I ever date, I don’t want to be on a billboard with you. And as for you JDate, please stop sending me 10 emails a day.

// Deadspin

jewish_gamer

An online encounter can be anything these days. It can be anonymous, but increasingly this is becoming more and more infrequent. More likely our online doings are public and end up revealing something about you to people you know, or are simply broadcast into what we perceive to be an electronic vacuum. But be cautious: someone is always watching. I say that to warn off the guy I played NBA Jam against earlier, he of the Israeli flag background and the violent right bumper spam maneuver. Now every corporation in the world knows that you are the equivalent of the kid who would spam the same one move in fighting games over and over again to extract a long, joyless win from an increasingly unenthusiastic opponent. Congratulations, I hope you feel accomplished over how fast you can twitch your right index finger for seven minutes.

Maybe some background is in order: Back in February, I was waiting by the train station to Damen when I spotted someone I knew from work. “Hey man,” he said as he spotted me. I gave him one of those half-handshake, half high five greetings in return. “What’s up, Chris?” I asked. “Not too much.” He pointed to my Bulls hat. “Are you a hoopster?” I was confused for a half-second. “You mean, do I play in a rec league?” He laughed. “No, like, a hipster that follows basketball.”

Instantly, and with minimal effort on my part, I had earned a new label.

What’s a hoopster to do but get sloppy on beer and play NBA Jam every other day or so? There’s only so much time to do it after all, since I have other important activities to do, like: nod my head pompously at art gallery showings, critique the latest dive bar’s newly hired mixologist, argue with others over Pitchfork’s score for Bath’s new album, or just generally be a passive-aggressive jerk about art, pop culture and life in general. So in my spare time I like to unwind with something that is directly confrontational, fueled with alcohol, and still satiates my appetite for inconsequential entertainment. NBA Jam provides this in spades.

So this is how I came to be battling with some ass who was repping Israel as the Dallas Mavericks, using the Turbo Shove command that had Dirk Nowitski and Jamal Mashburn making the Laimbeer-era Pistons look soft. Was this guy actually having fun? Was he actually from Israel? Or was he just a Hasid that hated my bike and wanted to make me suffer for using it?

I didn’t feel curious enough to find out for good. I sunk a between the legs three point trick shot, quit the game, finished my beer, and made plans to meet up with some people at an album release party taking place a few blocks away. Stay at home and get Mashburned by a vindictive Xbox Live internet hero? Ain’t no hipster got time for that.

As I have acknowledged in the past, I am not perfect. I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions. This situation has taken a toll on me and my entire family, and it has been a distraction to my teammates and the Brewers organization. I am very grateful for the support I have received from players, ownership and the fans in Milwaukee and around the country.

// MLB

Ryan Braun Has Been Suspended for the Remainder of the 2013 MLB Season