Archives For Backyard Jewball

larry_david_kings

Larry David was enjoying himself during last night’s LA Kings overtime win against the New York Rangers. As a hockey fan this makes me pretty pretty pretty happy to see. I’m talking about Larry David at a hockey game, not the Kings win. I frankly don’t care who wins the Stanley Cup. As TSN points out, it looked like Larry had a much better time at a Stanley Cup game than he has had at any Knicks game.

Dear Hipster Jew readers,

I might pretend to be a rabbi on this site every once in awhile, but I have a serious question. Should I be lighting a yahrzeit candle for my favorite hockey team, the Boston Bruins? Before you answer, or tell me that they suck, you should hear me out.

Historically, the Bruins have been terrible on May 14th. Especially in game 7′s. Just looking back into history, the last three times the Bruins played on May 14th they lost. Terribly.

• In 2011 the Bruins lost to the Lightning in game 1 5-2 (but ended up winning the Stanley Cup).
• In 2010 the Bruins lost to the Flyers in game 7 (after having a 3-0 series lead… they even had a lead in that game and… never mind…)
• In 2009 the Bruins lost to the Hurricanes in game 7… in overtime…
• In 1999 the Bruins lost to the Sabres in game 4 (ended up losing the series in 6 games)

I went back to 1989 and I couldn’t find a single win. I would have gone back further to look, but I’m too depressed. So I have to ask you, as my spiritual leaders, should I light a Yahrzeit candle on May 14th? I want to keep all of my options open for tomorrow’s game 7 against the Canadiens.

SEINFELDTRAIN

For some unknown reason to me, the 7 Train in New York looks like Monks Cafe. Apparently it’s for the Mets – Yankees subway series (Mets won last night) but that really doesn’t make any sense. Why Seinfeld? Is it because of Keith Hernandez? Because George worked for the Yankees? Either way, then why make it look like Monk’s? This doesn’t remind me about baseball. It reminds me to watch Seinfeld on TBS all day every day.

// Gothamist

22 year old Chabad Rabbi from La Costa, California, loves MMA. He knows Krav Maga (duh, all Rabbis are taught this). Now if only he’d get into a Talmudic argument and go Fight Club on his Rebbe. Seriously, I’d join a Rabbi Fight Club. If only they weren’t mostly out of shape, old men.*

*No, being on a Rabbi-Only softball team does NOT make you a member of a fight club.

//Failed Messiah

Grossmann-kick-save2

What’s Steve Mason doing so far out of the net?
Why did Kyle Turris miss an open net?
Oh yeah, and I guess nice save Nicklas Grossmann.

Nothing went right for Ottawa in this 5-2 loss to the Flyers.

hasid-cross-street

No seriously. Why did he cross the road? The New York Marathon is going on and you can see this guy just zip back and forth like he’s playing a game of frogger. What some people don’t realize is that when you play frogger in real life, people tend to get hurt. derp de derp. Maybe he heard about the legs and thigh sale.

// r/nyc

Big fan of Jonathan Ames, and everything he’s written including Bored to Death. Here he retells a story of himself, where he boxed a man in a hotel room that he met on a gay chat line, and that the loser had to give the other guy a blowjob.

//Splitsider

Ryan_Braun_2008-12-600x450

It’s beginning to look a lot like Elul

Disgraced MLB MVP, Ryan Braun, is getting into the holiday spirit and asking for forgiveness on his past mistakes. CBS 58 reports that Braun is calling up a select amount of Brewers season ticket holders and fans to apologize for his actions, his words, and how much he let down the great city of Milwaukee. What a perfect thing to do in the month of Elul, a time when we ask our acquaintances and God for forgiveness.

“Hey there’s a guy on the phone claiming to be Ryan Braun, it’s probably one of your buddies messing with you.”

That’s exactly what Kelly’s Bleachers owner Pat Guenther thought Thursday afternoon.

He picked up the phone thinking it’d be a joke.

“Hey Pat this is Ryan Braun,” Guenther recalls. “Right then and there I knew it was his voice based on interviews I’ve seen on TV. I knew damn well it was his voice.”

So he did what anyone in the service industry would do.

“I said what can I do for you? He said, I messed up, in a nutshell, I messed up. I just want to reach out and say I’m sorry. I cut him off right there. I said you know Ryan, I think you’re an amazing athlete and this speaks volumes to your character to reach out to a small business owner like myself and let us know that you are going to do better.”

May you be written in God’s book of judgement with an asterisk.

 

Oh, you know. Larry David happened to be in Martha’s Vineyard, and Obama also happened to be vacationing. So what do two of the most powerful men in the world do? They play some motherfuckin’ golf, that’s what! And then CNN cameras happen to be there to capture it. The end.