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Billy on the Street didn’t need to hand out dollars to understand that everyone wants to have sex with Paul Rudd. In fact, I’m sure you’d pay good money to have sex with Paul Rudd. I mean, who doesn’t want to have sex with Paul Rudd? He was so dreamy in Wet Hot American Summer. Actually he is dreamy in everything he’s ever done. Even this Funny or Die video.

Make love to me Paul Rudd.

I’m from Rhode Island. This means many different things. I like Dell’s Lemonade, coffee milk, and I enjoy the mediocrity of Narragansett Beer (especially their coffee stout).

This also means that I, if for some fucked up, perverse reason wanted to, could marry my niece. It’s not just because of religious cults and Tay Sachs and making sure the bloodlines stay pure. It’s because Rhode Island made an exception for Jewish men to marry their nieces. And it’s still on the books today.

Only three states in the U.S. allow some form of niece/uncle marriage, and all of them have conditions. Minnesota and Colorado both allow it if it’s permitted by ‘aboriginal’ culture. I’m unsure if that means native, or ancient, or if it literally means the Aboriginal from Australia. Either way, that’s weird and oddly specific. I didn’t realize Minnesota and Colorado were flush in Aboriginals and Aboriginal uncle/niece troupes looking to tie the knot. Rhode island, on the other hand, allows Jews and only Jews to marry their creepy old uncles.

Marriages of kindred allowed by Jewish religion. – The provisions of §§ 15-1-2 and 15-1-3 shall not extend to, or in any way affect, any marriage which shall be solemnized among the Jewish people, within the degrees of affinity or consanguinity allowed by their religion.

All it would take is one crazy Jewish religious sect to interpret Scriptures to how they see fit and…bam! Old weirdos with smichas (Rabbinic ordination) can be even weirder.

Rhode Island’s Jewish incest laws were codified in 1798. It’s believed that the law was established to show how inviting RI was to Jews living outside of RI. This was in line with Roger William and Rhode Island’s overall views on religious diversity and freedom. The presence of Touro Synagogue in 1763, and the prestige of Jews involved in the early American slave trade certainly had some influence in colonial Rhode Island. So instead of guaranteeing regular religious freedoms, why not tack on some incestuous freedoms, maybe even one from Leviticus? Atleast in the 1700s and 1800s it was a bit less creepy to marry Uncle Shmuley.

You’d think this little-known law wouldn’t be used in modern times, just a record to look at and laugh at and giggle about how weird life used to be. Maybe an occasional Rhode Islander would use it, but it’s not like it could apply to out-of-state Jews, right? Rhode Island has the incest thing down pat. It’s ours and ours only, like a snowflake that likes to have sex with his snowflake relative, right?

Unless you’re a New York Jew, then it’s entirely legal to jump on the incest marriage wagon. A wagon that should have stayed horse-drawn and residing in 1796. Realistically, yeah, I doubt many people are looking for this kind of marriage. Unless you’re in some extreme Jewish cult, it’s not really a concern. (Are you in a Jewish cult? I’d love to interview you…)

Why doesn’t the RI state legislature close this loophole?

You’re really fucking weird sometimes, Rhode Island. (But I love you anyway.)

Read a very interesting scholarly article about this legal loophole, here.

jdate-ad

While reading the New York Times, I saw that JDate is publishing a new set of meme-like ads. And apparently people don’t like them. Why? Because they play on Jewish stereotypes.

I don’t care. This conversation never comes up when an overtly Jewish character is portrayed in a TV or movie. In fact, we love it. So why should I be upset when a dating site targets it’s demographic in a way it knows will work? Yawn fest.

i-know-how-to-keep-you-satisfied-5-600x400

What I’m wondering is, did JDate ripoff Porn4Jews? Or was Porn4Jews involved in the creation of these ads? They are clearly the same style. They have the same type of message, just toned down a bit and not as sexual. Porn4Jews flew across the internet only two months ago (and was loved by everyone, mind you). So what is it?

Don’t even read this. Call any Florida-dweller whose ever pinched you at a bar mitzvah and tell them you appreciate their wisdom. Then read this.

My roommate’s uncle, Mark Effron, wrote an article for The New York Times about his father, Irving Effron, a 91-year-old with dimentia. It’s incredibly well-written and will bring, at the very least, two tears to your eyes.

This past year, my grandfather on the Jewish side of my family died following a horrible struggle with Alzheimer’s. Reading about the family of someone so close to me (Chloe and I have shared the same toilet for a WHOLE YEAR)  and realizing their struggles are similar to those of my family was super cathartic.

 Harry Lipsitz and Isabel Lizmi

Shoutout to Grandpa Harry and my beautiful niece Isabel

It’s cool how families can be so different but similar. And we all go through struggles. And sometimes the only thing that’s important is the people in your life who you have “nachas” for. Or those who have “nachas” for you. Even those bringers-of-nachas you forget about sometimes.

I need to try to make nachos now. #SnowDayMunchies

Chiggity-check this article. For the feels. Because you deserve them.

**Thanks to Daniel Lizmi for the photo!

Jonah Hill was on plane, flirting with this wonderful girl. They were hitting it off when he excused himself to use the bathroom. And from there you must watch the video as I should not spoil it for you. All I can say is “BEEN THERE DONE THAT”

coachella-boyfriends

Two young ladies in San Francisco are looking for two hot guys to be their boyfriends for the first weekend of Coachella. They have a long list of demands that come with this “honor.”

You have to be 30% bro, 7.5% hipster, 12.5% raver, and 50% normal.

You also have to be over the age of 24, tall, drink, sleep in a car, shower, drink, and play beer pong. I’m pretty sure you also have to be an idiot, but I can’t seem to find that anywhere on their Craigslist post.

Listen, if you’re looking for some late night lovin’ after coming down on Molly, why not pick up some random dudes who are going to Coachella viia Craigslist? It’s no different than getting creeped on by guys on Tinder or OKC. Just another form of internet double dating…

…I hate festivals.

coachella-boyfriend-600

netflix

Every Chirstmas and Christmas Eve, Netflix is overloaded with Millions of people trying to waste time rather than interact with their family members. With the influx of personal devices and multiple family Netflix accounts, there is a good chance you won’t be able to binge on your favorite shows. So what will you do when Netflix dies? We have a few suggestions.

Masturbate
Time Used: 2-4 minutes
Issues: You only wasted 2-4 minutes and depending on your gender and beliefs, you possibly killed millions of innocent children.

Write an article for Hipster Jew
Time Used: 15-30 minutes
Issues: None. Please write for us.

Bitch on Twitter
Time Used: 30-60 Minutes
Issues: You might by mistake read what other people are writing on twitter. God forbid you actually respond to someone’s tweet.

Board games with the family
Time Used: 1-2 Hours
Issues: Hating your family for the rest of the holiday.

Go out to the movies
Time Used: 2-4 hours
Issues: Putting on pants? Going outside? Ugh.

Surf Reddit
Time Used: 3-4 Hours
Issues: You’ll probably get into a dumb internet fight over nothing which will end up on Gawker.

Read a book
Time Used: 4-6 hours
Issues: BOOOOORRRING

Watch DVDs
Time Used: 4-6 hours
Issues: Do you even have a DVD player plugged in? And how many times have you watched all of your DVDs anyways?

Work on an art project
Time Used: 5-7 hours
Issues: Finding inspiration. Finding materials to use. Finding excuses to continue not working on this project.

Illegally download your favorite movies
Time Used: 15-60 Minutes downloading 4-8 Hours watching movies
Issues: The government will fine you 100′s of thousands of dollars. Possible jail time.

Watch whatever is on TV
Time Used: 6-8 Hours
Issues: There is never anything good on TV.

Get a Hulu+ Account
Time Used: 4-10 Hours
Issues: Is there even anything good on Hulu?

Go to sleep early
Time Used: 12-16 hours
Issues: You might actually wake up a decent time and have to be with your family for even longer the next day.

SFW Porn for Jews

The Duckman —  12/06/2013 —  Comments

We have a new tumblr meme generator in town. And she goes by the name Porn4Jews. While most of our dirty minded readers will be wondering why there is a lack of James Deen on the website, the comedians will find this to be hilarious.

While this concept has been done over and over (including a “you can light our menorah ;)” ad we put up every year), I think it’s still funny. Good looking stockphoto-like Jews next to captions about big noses, keeping kosher, and various Jewish foods being spread over oneself. You’ll never run out of cheesy, but creative, pick up lines.

kosher-in-the-kitchen

i-know-how-to-keep-you-satisfied----5

schindlers-list-meme

May Hashem let these memes spread across the Facebooks, Tumblrs, Reddits, and blogs. Amen.

hipster-jew-hanukkah

Last week we took a holiday photo for everyone. And my oh my did you love it. You loved it so much that the wonderful people at Nice Jewish Guys posted it on Facebook. 180+ likes later, it looks as if we are leading the pack for the cover of Nice Jewish Guys 2015 Calendar. We might have to change the name of the calendar to “Sometimes Nice Jewish Guys” or “Almost Nice Jewish Guys.” But still, I can’t think of anyone hotter than us right now. People mag got the wrong Jew, if you ask me.

Dear hipster jew,

can i replace latkes with french fries? im a single bro, living with other bros, and i dont wanna cook. latkes seem like a ton of work! can i just throw some frozen french fries in the oven, or even better just go buy some fries at my local pub? thanks,

french fry fiend

 

Dear French Fry Fiend,

Don’t get me wrong, french fries are good! And if you’re that much of a lazy piece of shit, I say eat so many french fries until you barf! And if you need some motivation, I DARE you to do it. Because that’s a good stereotype for bros, being unable to step down from a challenge. Okay?

Alright. Is he gone? Good. I wanna talk to everyone else for a second.

What type of asshole chooses french fries over latkes? Why would you not make some frozen hash browns instead? Hell, add some hash to your hash browns and then you’ll have the best Hanukkah ever. But french fries? That’s neither American NOR Jewish, atleast not when it comes to our greatest cultural holidays. Next you’ll eat a Turkey sandwich with a dinner roll and call it a Thanksgivukkah meal?

It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake. Let’s have SOME dignity here.

~ HipsterJew

 

Dear Hipster Jew,

Both of my boyfriends got me the same Hanukkah present, the latest Maccabeats CD. They don’t even know the other person exists! Am I that predictable? And what I am supposed to do with two copies?

Sincerely,

J.A.P, Jewish American Playa

 

Dear J.A.Playa,

Yes, you are predictable. I’m sure both boyfriends assume you are cheating on them, but they’d prefer to live in a fairy tale land. Also, you give good head, so they’re not gonna complain (yet!). And the ‘trickle down economy’ of your dad’s money isn’t hurting either. I’d say accept the two gifts and just be glad these two haven’t run into each other at a bar and played Jewish Geography, or friended the other one on Facebook.

As for your double Maccabeats album, this is an easy one. Give one to your parents! They’ll think you’re really into being Jewish, and if you’ve played your cards right they only know about the Jewish decoy boyfriend anyway. Nothing like getting points with your parents without even having to spend their money on them!

~HipsterJew

 

If you have any other terrible questions you need answered terribly, please email us info [at] hipsterjew [dot] com.