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Ben Stein just wanted to sext with a lady. In a classy way.

ben_stein_sext

Don’t worry though, ol’ Ben has a very reasonable argument.

“I didn’t expect anything from her. Hugging and kissing doesn’t mean I wanted to f–k her. I said that explicitly in my text,” Stein said. “When is it wrong to hug people?”

When is it wrong to hug people, huh? Never. It’s never wrong to hug people. See? Ben Stein is a good guy.

//gawker

Israeli Women IDF

Israeli women (and maybe some Americans) are taking to facebook and posting photos of themselves half or mostly naked in support of the IDF. While the U.S. sends money and weapons to Israel, Israeli women are sending photos of their naked bodies.

I… Just… yeah… Okay…

//Mediaite

This week, a redditor with a throwaway account posted some creepy texts which explain why dating shiksas (or at least the one texting OP) can be a bad idea.

The first issue we see here is that she made a list of all the things she doesn’t like… after the first date. That screams crazy town right there. But as we get into each one, you can how much of a terrible person this girl is. And after complaining about this guy, she says they can go on a second date if he brings an index card with all 5 problems on them.

Here is a summary if you’re still not convinced.

1. Stop speaking Hebrew. You can’t impress me.
2. No one cares about your kids until the second date.
3. No one cares if your kids die in a house fire. Put down your phone and pay attention to me at all times.
4. You almost ordered a steak, but then went for a salad. I’m pretty sure all Jews do this to get their dates to order salad. You’re rude!
5. Why wont you talk politics! I wanted to talk about my friends abortion! This date isn’t about you.

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Continue Reading…

Billy on the Street didn’t need to hand out dollars to understand that everyone wants to have sex with Paul Rudd. In fact, I’m sure you’d pay good money to have sex with Paul Rudd. I mean, who doesn’t want to have sex with Paul Rudd? He was so dreamy in Wet Hot American Summer. Actually he is dreamy in everything he’s ever done. Even this Funny or Die video.

Make love to me Paul Rudd.

I’m from Rhode Island. This means many different things. I like Dell’s Lemonade, coffee milk, and I enjoy the mediocrity of Narragansett Beer (especially their coffee stout).

This also means that I, if for some fucked up, perverse reason wanted to, could marry my niece. It’s not just because of religious cults and Tay Sachs and making sure the bloodlines stay pure. It’s because Rhode Island made an exception for Jewish men to marry their nieces. And it’s still on the books today.

Only three states in the U.S. allow some form of niece/uncle marriage, and all of them have conditions. Minnesota and Colorado both allow it if it’s permitted by ‘aboriginal’ culture. I’m unsure if that means native, or ancient, or if it literally means the Aboriginal from Australia. Either way, that’s weird and oddly specific. I didn’t realize Minnesota and Colorado were flush in Aboriginals and Aboriginal uncle/niece troupes looking to tie the knot. Rhode island, on the other hand, allows Jews and only Jews to marry their creepy old uncles.

Marriages of kindred allowed by Jewish religion. – The provisions of §§ 15-1-2 and 15-1-3 shall not extend to, or in any way affect, any marriage which shall be solemnized among the Jewish people, within the degrees of affinity or consanguinity allowed by their religion.

All it would take is one crazy Jewish religious sect to interpret Scriptures to how they see fit and…bam! Old weirdos with smichas (Rabbinic ordination) can be even weirder.

Rhode Island’s Jewish incest laws were codified in 1798. It’s believed that the law was established to show how inviting RI was to Jews living outside of RI. This was in line with Roger William and Rhode Island’s overall views on religious diversity and freedom. The presence of Touro Synagogue in 1763, and the prestige of Jews involved in the early American slave trade certainly had some influence in colonial Rhode Island. So instead of guaranteeing regular religious freedoms, why not tack on some incestuous freedoms, maybe even one from Leviticus? Atleast in the 1700s and 1800s it was a bit less creepy to marry Uncle Shmuley.

You’d think this little-known law wouldn’t be used in modern times, just a record to look at and laugh at and giggle about how weird life used to be. Maybe an occasional Rhode Islander would use it, but it’s not like it could apply to out-of-state Jews, right? Rhode Island has the incest thing down pat. It’s ours and ours only, like a snowflake that likes to have sex with his snowflake relative, right?

Unless you’re a New York Jew, then it’s entirely legal to jump on the incest marriage wagon. A wagon that should have stayed horse-drawn and residing in 1796. Realistically, yeah, I doubt many people are looking for this kind of marriage. Unless you’re in some extreme Jewish cult, it’s not really a concern. (Are you in a Jewish cult? I’d love to interview you…)

Why doesn’t the RI state legislature close this loophole?

You’re really fucking weird sometimes, Rhode Island. (But I love you anyway.)

Read a very interesting scholarly article about this legal loophole, here.

jdate-ad

While reading the New York Times, I saw that JDate is publishing a new set of meme-like ads. And apparently people don’t like them. Why? Because they play on Jewish stereotypes.

I don’t care. This conversation never comes up when an overtly Jewish character is portrayed in a TV or movie. In fact, we love it. So why should I be upset when a dating site targets it’s demographic in a way it knows will work? Yawn fest.

i-know-how-to-keep-you-satisfied-5-600x400

What I’m wondering is, did JDate ripoff Porn4Jews? Or was Porn4Jews involved in the creation of these ads? They are clearly the same style. They have the same type of message, just toned down a bit and not as sexual. Porn4Jews flew across the internet only two months ago (and was loved by everyone, mind you). So what is it?

Don’t even read this. Call any Florida-dweller whose ever pinched you at a bar mitzvah and tell them you appreciate their wisdom. Then read this.

My roommate’s uncle, Mark Effron, wrote an article for The New York Times about his father, Irving Effron, a 91-year-old with dimentia. It’s incredibly well-written and will bring, at the very least, two tears to your eyes.

This past year, my grandfather on the Jewish side of my family died following a horrible struggle with Alzheimer’s. Reading about the family of someone so close to me (Chloe and I have shared the same toilet for a WHOLE YEAR)  and realizing their struggles are similar to those of my family was super cathartic.

 Harry Lipsitz and Isabel Lizmi

Shoutout to Grandpa Harry and my beautiful niece Isabel

It’s cool how families can be so different but similar. And we all go through struggles. And sometimes the only thing that’s important is the people in your life who you have “nachas” for. Or those who have “nachas” for you. Even those bringers-of-nachas you forget about sometimes.

I need to try to make nachos now. #SnowDayMunchies

Chiggity-check this article. For the feels. Because you deserve them.

**Thanks to Daniel Lizmi for the photo!

Jonah Hill was on plane, flirting with this wonderful girl. They were hitting it off when he excused himself to use the bathroom. And from there you must watch the video as I should not spoil it for you. All I can say is “BEEN THERE DONE THAT”

coachella-boyfriends

Two young ladies in San Francisco are looking for two hot guys to be their boyfriends for the first weekend of Coachella. They have a long list of demands that come with this “honor.”

You have to be 30% bro, 7.5% hipster, 12.5% raver, and 50% normal.

You also have to be over the age of 24, tall, drink, sleep in a car, shower, drink, and play beer pong. I’m pretty sure you also have to be an idiot, but I can’t seem to find that anywhere on their Craigslist post.

Listen, if you’re looking for some late night lovin’ after coming down on Molly, why not pick up some random dudes who are going to Coachella viia Craigslist? It’s no different than getting creeped on by guys on Tinder or OKC. Just another form of internet double dating…

…I hate festivals.

coachella-boyfriend-600

netflix

Every Chirstmas and Christmas Eve, Netflix is overloaded with Millions of people trying to waste time rather than interact with their family members. With the influx of personal devices and multiple family Netflix accounts, there is a good chance you won’t be able to binge on your favorite shows. So what will you do when Netflix dies? We have a few suggestions.

Masturbate
Time Used: 2-4 minutes
Issues: You only wasted 2-4 minutes and depending on your gender and beliefs, you possibly killed millions of innocent children.

Write an article for Hipster Jew
Time Used: 15-30 minutes
Issues: None. Please write for us.

Bitch on Twitter
Time Used: 30-60 Minutes
Issues: You might by mistake read what other people are writing on twitter. God forbid you actually respond to someone’s tweet.

Board games with the family
Time Used: 1-2 Hours
Issues: Hating your family for the rest of the holiday.

Go out to the movies
Time Used: 2-4 hours
Issues: Putting on pants? Going outside? Ugh.

Surf Reddit
Time Used: 3-4 Hours
Issues: You’ll probably get into a dumb internet fight over nothing which will end up on Gawker.

Read a book
Time Used: 4-6 hours
Issues: BOOOOORRRING

Watch DVDs
Time Used: 4-6 hours
Issues: Do you even have a DVD player plugged in? And how many times have you watched all of your DVDs anyways?

Work on an art project
Time Used: 5-7 hours
Issues: Finding inspiration. Finding materials to use. Finding excuses to continue not working on this project.

Illegally download your favorite movies
Time Used: 15-60 Minutes downloading 4-8 Hours watching movies
Issues: The government will fine you 100′s of thousands of dollars. Possible jail time.

Watch whatever is on TV
Time Used: 6-8 Hours
Issues: There is never anything good on TV.

Get a Hulu+ Account
Time Used: 4-10 Hours
Issues: Is there even anything good on Hulu?

Go to sleep early
Time Used: 12-16 hours
Issues: You might actually wake up a decent time and have to be with your family for even longer the next day.