Best Christmas song EVER (ruined by JON BON JOVI)

I was going to sit here and brag about how awesome this song is. And how I stumbled across it two years ago and can’t stop laughing at its awkwardness. But, like every other Christmas, my excitement and happiness fade into oblivion.

DID YOU KNOW THIS WAS BON JOVI’S FIRST RECORDING????!??

I just learned that from this title. I had to look it up. Apparently other people say it’s true too. And you know you can always trust whatever the internet says.

JON FUCKING BON JOVI. Ruined this song. That guy fucking ruins everything!

In 2002, the Hipster Jew family went to the Thanksgiving Day football game. Patriots vs. Lions. Guess who plays half time? You guessed it. FUCKING JON BON JOVI. What a dick.

Someone on Bleacher report wrote a god awful article (here) about the worst Thanksgiving half time shows ever. JON BON FUCKING JOVI is on that list, but I have no idea what the author wrote because the article sucks. So I will tell you why Bon Jovi Thanksgiving halftime show was one of the worst events I’ve ever been to:

WARNING: PLEASE turn the sound off and attempt to remember what a Bon Jovi song sounds like

1. Its FUCKING JON BON JOVI! In surfer talk, that’s 10 sharks riding the waves. Bummer dood.
2. Have you ever heard a tone deaf person attempt to sing Bon Jovi? Besides Bon Jovi. How about 80,000 of them?
3. Okay, that last one might have been a little lie. Not everyone at the stadium knew who Bon Jovi was. And for that I applaud them. But there was one kid sitting behind me that did. And he sang every shitty lyric to every shitty song.
4. AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS
5. After taking a musical dump on Fords Field in Detroit, JON BON JOVI FUCKING set off fireworks… In an indoor stadium… Now some of you might say “Hey it’ll catch on fire.” But no, that’s not the issue. The issue is smoke. The smoke from the fireworks has no way of leave the field. It just sits there. You know what it’s like to have nose bleed corner seats, only to be obstructed by JON BON FUCKING JOVI’s smoke?

REFUND

I am pretty pissed. I had a wonderful Christmas song I wanted to write about, and all I could think about was JON FUCKING BON JOVI and THANKSGIVING.

And I cant believe I know people who are jealous that I got to see Bon Jovi.