Hipster Jew » The Duckman

Neil Gaiman’s Commencement Speech at UARTS

The Duckman — Tue, 22 May 2012 22:37:18 +0000

Shout out to Prez Buffington on the bottom right

Last week, many of the kids I had the pleasure of kicking out of my Senior Studio graduated from The University of the Arts in Philadelphia. While I was fortunate to have a cow farmer turned dancer give my commencement speech at UARTS, the class of 2012 was blessed to have Neil Gaiman.

I can’t really pick apart Gaimans speech even if I wanted. I have my own opinions and my own methods to grow in my artistic endeavors, but I could never say them as charismatically as Gaiman. So please, watch the shit out of this commencement speech and learn about being an artist in the real world.

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The DeLorean Bike is a Bad Gimmick

The Duckman — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:00:38 +0000

The DeLorean Bicycle is a shameful, expensive gimmick. It looks and acts nothing like a DeLorean. It runs nothing like a DeLorean, and doesn’t even give homage to Back to the Future. It’s upsetting. The bike might be great (although for $2,500 I’m not sure who is going to buy it… the 4 DeLorean fans out there who don’t want to buy the crappy car?), but why? Why are you doing this to us?

Delmon Young wants you to know he isn’t anti-Semitic

The Duckman — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:03:57 +0000

Last month, Detroit Tiger’s Left Fielder, Delmon Young was arrested for an altercation that happened outside of his New York City hotel in which he shouted at a panhandler “Fucking Jews! Fucking Jews!” Well Delmon Young is back playing baseball and he wants you to know that he is not an anti-Semite. He is just a drunk, angry man, that tends to do dumb shit and say things he doesn’t mean all the time. He is getting treatment for his alcohol problem, but has yet to receive treatment for his being an asshole issue.

// via The Times of Israel via The Coach

The real reason for the anti-internet rally $$$$$$$

The Duckman — Mon, 21 May 2012 15:44:38 +0000

I dressed up as the internet police for Purim!

The rally in Citi Field on Sunday was sponsored by a rabbinical group, Ichud Hakehillos Letohar Hamachane, that is linked to a software company that sells Internet filtering software to Orthodox Jews. Those in attendance were handed fliers that advertised services like a “kosher GPS App” for iPhone and Android phones, which helps users locate synagogues and kosher restaurants. // NY Times

Now, let’s say you want to use the internet to figure out if it was Maimonides or Rashi who said it’s okay to defend pedophiles and sex offenders. But you’re too afraid you might look up gay porn on the internet (out of curiosity, because we all know being gay is just a fad. No one actually likes penis). Well, do we have a deal for you! If you buy our software that will block off dirty sites such as: Any website with photos of women. And you will also get this signed prayer book free! Yes! Signed by all of your favorite rabbis. That’s a $300 value for just $19.99! And you can also download our iphone jailbreak that will delete all of your apps except for our “kosher GPS App*” (*kosher iphone app is under strict supervision and comes with a side of last month’s cholent).

Now, for the Ultra Orthodox men who go to the strip clubs, do drugs, beat their wife and children, wife swap, molest and rape, it’s totally cool because you don’t do it on the internet!

So, please. When you think about using the internet, just think about Ichud Hakehillos Letohar Hamachane, the right brand in internet censorship.

Yankees Jersey Foul

The Duckman — Tue, 15 May 2012 20:38:07 +0000

Well then who’s on Third? Kike. I mean the fellow’s name. Kike. The guy on Third. Kike. The Third Baseman. Kike. The guy playing…

// via Tablet Mag

Henry Kissinger is lonely

The Duckman — Tue, 15 May 2012 19:08:56 +0000

Recently Henry Kissinger was spotted being groped by the TSA. Apparently no one recognized him, asked him for ID, or came to the conclusion that it’s in poor taste to grope a man in a wheelchair, except for one freelance writer.

It’s sad that a once powerful man is reduced to flying around the U.S. just to get a little action. But this is an issue that all old Jewish people are having. No one wants to be near them. No one wants to listen to them. And no one wants to tough their old wrinkly skin (gross). This is why projects such as Old Jew Telling Jokes is helpful, but not complete. Old people need love too. Not a single point in the Washington Post story did you read Kissinger yelling out “Do you know who I am!? Do you know what countries I bombed!? I’m Henry Fucking Kissinger. I will have your ass on a platter!” Very unlike young hot stud Rand Paul’s argument with the TSA.

So next time you go visit your grandparent in their nursing home, give some random old person a hug. Cup their balls for old times sake. Just let them feel alive for a moment. We all need some lovin’.

U.S. Presidents and their attempts to be Jewish

The Duckman — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:13:33 +0000

Great men from all over the world try to be us; hip, cool, and Jewish. Most of them fail at it miserably. So here we have a collection of U.S. Presidents doing Jewish things or hanging out with Jewish people. Not to say Jews control the White House but…

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David Ben Gurion gives Harry Truman the most worthless Hanukkah present for a gentile… a Menorah. What’s Truman going to do with this?

Famous People’s Favorite Swear Words

The Duckman — Wed, 09 May 2012 01:02:37 +0000

What’s your favorite swear word of all time? Mine is “Twat Waffle.” Sweet, simple, hilarious. You know who else is surprisingly funny? Zach Braff. I’m still not going to forgive him for Garden State, but I seriously hate that my favorite person in this video is Zach Braff. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but Zach Braff FTW… :/

RIP Maurice Sendak (June 10, 1928 – May 8, 2012)

The Duckman — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:31:08 +0000

Maurice Sendak passed away this morning from complications following a recent stroke. Whether you loved his work, or hated it, Sendak is an inspiration to all of us cynics. I highly suggest you take a look at his interview with Stephen Colbert. In the interview he has some absolutely amazing quotes, like this one on E-Books:

Fuck them is what I say, I hate those e-books. They can not be the future… they may well be… I will be dead, I won’t give a shit!

We will never forget you and your ability to tell stories that show the darker side of a child’s mind.

Hipster Cop is getting feisty

The Duckman — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:25:40 +0000

We all remember the golden days of Occupy Wall Street. Cops were beating innocent protestors. Parks were being over-run by the homeless and future homeless. And Hipster Cop was patrolling the mean streets of New York.

After Hipster Cop’s internet fame passed we haven’t seen much of him. Until now.

Wherever there is a group of shitty drugged up dancers and bad music playing, Hipster Cop is there to shut it down. Wherever someone is smoking cloves in the park, Hipster Cop is there to put the butt out. When scalpers are selling Jeff Mangum tickets for 3x the price, Hipster Cop is there to save us all. Three cheers for Hipster Cop!