Last night, Chicky mentioned how my birthday was coming up in a month. A few moments later, he sent me this video. So what. I’m the oldest consistent contributor to Hipster Jew. Big deal. Make fun of me. It’s not like I’m going to be buying designer depends anytime soon. I just bought a pack last week and they usually last me awhile.

But in all seriousness, I hope I’m this cool when I’m 80.

Die Antwoord is hitting the states with their new album Ten$ion. Late night stop: Letterman? Anyone else feel way too uncomfortable?

// Yolandi, have my babies.

If we repeat styles/interests from 120 years ago, then um… was 1860 the year of bright leggings and neon sunglasses? Damn hipsterism is harder than I thought now that math is involved.

Hi, I’m Newt. I bet you can’t save my marriage.

// Little known fact: Blue Ranger is gay. Probably why he wouldn’t shake Newts hand…

The lord of all hipsters, James Murphy, is in talks to create his own blend of coffee. Unfortunately, this coffee will only be sold in one coffee shop. That’s pretty much all the information I have. So here are a few questions I have for Mr. Murphy.

Where is this coffee shop?
Will it be a Christmas blend?
Will the shitty hipster baristas burn your coffee too?
Does it come with a free DFA single?
What was working with Six Finger Satellite?
Can I have your babies?

The Rap-Rave group Die Antwoord has fallen past obscurity and into the realm of annoying. It’s a shame considering they were my favorite (and only) rap-rave group of all time. Their songs were intriguing and their videos were outstanding. But I guess there are only so many songs you can play about big dicks, being a ninja, and having money before you run out of content and thus become obsolete. Sad Face.

Three, give the go-ahead for U.S.-based Mossad agents to take out a president deemed unfriendly to Israel in order for the current vice president to take his place, and forcefully dictate that the United States’ policy includes its helping the Jewish state obliterate its enemies.

Yes, you read “three” correctly. Order a hit on a president in order to preserve Israel’s existence. Think about it. If I have thought of this Tom Clancy-type scenario, don’t you think that this almost unfathomable idea has been discussed in Israel’s most inner circles?

Another way of putting “three” in perspective goes something like this: How far would you go to save a nation comprised of seven million lives…Jews, Christians and Arabs alike?

You have got to believe, like I do, that all options are on the table.
//via Atlanta Jewish Times via Gawker

Assassinate Obama and all your wildest dreams will come true. Yes. Just get rid of this one President guy and you will have the entire Middle East eating out of your asshole. You will be on top of the world, Israel. Peace and justice for all. Or something like that. Woooo!

// end sarcasm

But in all seriousness, this guy is trolling. I mean, Hipster Jew has a higher (and more sophisticated) readership than the Atlanta Jewish Times’ circulation. The guy probably makes $50 a week. He needed something to boost readership. Because no one is stupid enough to call for the assassination of a President to better Israel… right?

UPDATE

The owner and publisher of the Atlanta Jewish Times, Andrew Adler, who suggested Israel should assassinate U.S. President Barack Obama, has resigned from his post, the Jewish Telegraphic Agency reported on Monday. //Haaretz

Praise Allah.

Huh? What? Who are we fighting again?

“You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey,” Keith Hudson, 63, said during a recent sermon at the Church on the Rise in Westlake, the Daily Mail reported.

“You go to L.A. and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of L.A. where we live and it is so rich it smells,” he said. “You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah. Amen. //via JTA

If I read this right, all Jews smell like mildew and ass sweat. And no one told us till now? What great friends we have… Thank you Minister Hudson. Without your kind words and daughter’s rockin’ tits, I wouldn’t be on my computer all day long.