Archives For Schlitz Lipz

On New Year’s Eve in Manhattan, Kansas, or “The Little Apple” as it is affectionately known, the citizens and students hip enough to not go home for the holidays gather on the corner of Manhattan Avenue and Moro Streets in Aggieville to ring in the new year. Aggieville is a really adorable part of town full of collegey gift shops, restaurants, and bookstores, so named because of the agricultural school at Kansas State University. One minute before midnight, the locals, led by Kansas dignitaries count down until their “ball” a paper-mache apple falls to the ground, There is a laser show, a DJ, and a full-on block party.

Manhattan is a small college town. Everybody seems to know each other. Kids grow up in Manhattan, go to college in Manhattan, get jobs in Manhattan, and raise their families in Manhattan. But despite this or perhaps because of it, the town is quirky and has a lot of character. I tell you about the “apple-drop” in Manhattan, Kansas because it shows what a funny little town Manhattan is. I need a good ole view of mountains or my heart breaks, but Manhattan is aight.

We spent 2 nights in Manhattan visiting the family of a friend of Christine (my travel partner and photographer on this journey). The Coffeys were delightful and did the best to show us a great Kansas time. We even went sailing. Which is pretty rare in the Midwest, you know, with the lack of oceans and whatnot. But we did it. And if you can steal a sailboat from a wealthy relative you should do it to. But maybe not in Kansas.


In the words of Samburg, “I’m on a boat”

Two nights and one day was an adequate amount of time to get a feel for the place. I saw the prairie, I saw Aggieville, I had a good look at Kansas State, and I sampled the delicious restaurants of Manhattan. Manhattan, Kansas is seriously a mecca of good food. We dined at Tallgrass Taphouse, and that bar food was better than any bar food I tasted in Philadelphia. No offense to my favorite Philly joints. In conclusion, I determined that Manhattan wouldn’t be the worst place to go to school if your parents would visit every so often and take you out to dinner. Especially if you just like hanging out with white people, because Manhattan is full of ’em.

Kansas brewery

Glorious flights of Kansas beer

The prairie is really incredible in a very flat way. All of those gosh-darn grasses. I read something on a prairie overlook that said there are hundreds of grasses, and wooded plants. I think of teens stuck in Kansas dreaming of more, feeling crushed by the weight of all that flatness, but then looking at tall those grasses and being OK with it. “Hey this sucks, but at least there are a lot of different types of grass here…it makes me feel like I live in a magical place.”

prairie grass

Home, home on the range

The best thing about Manhattan, besides the mind-blowing prairie grass, is Varsity Donuts. VD is located in an old drugstore in Aggieville and still has the interior of a drugstore. Doughnuts are delivered to baked college students by vintage bicycles. I wish there was a Varsity Donuts in whatever town I live in for the rest of time. It is delightful. Just look at those windows.


Varsity Donuts

What a dream

In case you haven’t figured it out/care, I did not actually just leave Kansas. I am currently residing on a very comfortable couch in Los Angeles. But let’s all just keep pretending we’re still on the road. Let’s go back to the days Pope Francis was in Philadelphia. Because that was the weekend I  was in Kansas. I gotta say, it would have been nice to walk the car-less streets of Philadelphia, but I had such a great time giving the Mid-western lifestyle a side-hug for a little bit and walking the also not-crowded streets of Manhattan, Kansas. I ended up feeling like I wasn’t missing much. Philadelphia is a great city. Any idiot who says differently is just someone who can’t see beauty in mildly dirty places. That being said, I’m done with Philly and ready to get sucked dry by Los Angeles. One could say I tried so hard to escape the Pope, I moved all the way to California. Stay tuned to hear about my adventures in Colorado, a place mostly run by three things: outdoor activities, beer, and marijuana.

Escape the Pope

Serious about Escaping the Papacy

Travel Tip: Budget in some time for a train to block your route. I waited about almost fifteen minutes for a train to go by. It was whacky.



All I knew about Omaha before I went there was that steak was a big deal there and the pig in the movie Gordy was going to go to a factory farm there before he was rescued because he can talk or do magic tricks or something like that.

After I left Omaha, I learned a few things about it.

  • there is a brewery in Omaha called Upstream, Let me just tell ya, an Upstream beer was just the ticket after the long still-not-quite-as-flat-as-I-was-expecting drive to Chicago.They have Omaha steaks if you’re trying to go big or go home, but if you ain’t, get yourself one of those falafel sandwiches. Admittely, I stayed away from the falafel because of some sort of Yankee snobbery. But when my SUPER AND AMAZING HOST Santi, let me taste his falafel, I was so grouchy with myself.  I can’t remember what I ordered, it was nothing, unmemorable. The falafel is the one that got away. Don’t make the same mistake as me.
  • The Omaha Zoo and Aquarium is DOPPPPPPPPE. I have very conflicted opinions on zoos, harboring such thoughts as, “Is it OK to hold those animals in captivity?, It kinda seems like they’re feeling OK at least they have food.  But freedom is so important.” It’s a real whirlwind. The zoo at Omaha almost made me forget all my concerns. Most of the animals at the zoo had large enclosures… I am no zoologist, but they seemed like they were doing OK. There is a desert dome and a rainforest and soon they are going to have a savannah situation that will have elephants and giraffes.

The Omaha biodomeDamn it’s hot in the deserts of Omaha

  • There are a whole bunch of hospitals and medical schools in Omaha. So if you’re a hypochondriac who loves zoos…might be the spot for you.
  • People are really into pork. Which is a pretty common theme in the Midwest, but in Omaha i ate my very first skillet and i must say never have I enjoyed pork quite so much. For those of you who don’t know, a skillet is a meal cooked in a pan all together one swoop: this one had home fries, and tomatoes, and eggs, and that oh-so delicious pork. If someone else was crazy enough and would go with me, I would drive back to Lisa’s Radical Cafe in Omaha right now just to taste that glorious pork once again.


You blurry, traif masterpiece.

I don’t want to poop too hard on small towns in this series. I understand that some towns can be just as interesting to live in as cities. I understand that as a city-dweller I am a snob. Even knowing all this, I gotta say there is not much going on in Omaha. Sorry, Omaha.

Well, America, tune in next time when I tell ya all about Manhattan, Kansas and further try to convince you that the midwest is sweet. In a very, very boring way.

  NebraskaHalfway there!

Travel Tip: Traveling is tough when you want to drink a lot but you have a budget. I suggest always selecting beers with a high alcohol content. IPAS will give you more bang for your buck.

I’d like to start of the Chicago portion of this process with this fun fact about Chicago: according to some Chi-town residents, Chicago is not called the windy city because it is next to a giant and crazy amazing beautiful lake which causes great winds but because of the hot air of the politicians. All I have to say about that, is politicians are windy everywhere. But not every city has a ginormous, bluer than the bluest blue, lake of wonder.

Lake Michigan

Only Mildly Edited for Instagram!

After a long journey between the abysses (plural of abyss? I don’t know.) that are Ohio and Indiana, in which I listened to hours upon hours of some sort of true crime show on XM radio, I made it to Chicago right during rush hour. Nothing like a rush hour when your bladder is full, am I right? My goal for the day was to make it to Chicago with enough time to settle into my friend Sean’s home and then speed off to an improv show at The iO Theater. I was lucky enough to see Bunk Seven, a Harold team comprised of several talented individuals including a few buds of mine from the olde Temple U days. I used to watch these kids perform in sketch and improv all the time back in the day and it was really exciting to see how they had improved in their craft over the years. If you’re in Chicago and searching for a good improv show. I’d head over to iO.

The first half of Saturday I spent cruising Lake Michigan with My Sweet Genevieve. I’ve definitely got a thing for bodies of water, when I travel I always try to hit one up, but Lake Michigan may have marked it’s space in my heart as my favorite. I spent most of the time at Lake Michigan just wandering Lake Shore Drive but I did spot a delightful trapeze school and Belmont Harbor Dog Beach. Aaaand parking was free between Labor Day and Memorial Day. Magical place, Chicago.

Belmont Harbor Beach

The one on the left is kept trying to mount everybody.

The next half of I headed over to Evanston, where Northwestern University is located, to meet an old high school buddy who I hadn’t seen in five years after we got into a small fight over nothing and I told him “I would never speak to him ever again”, Joel. Apparently when I need a place to stay, I’ll forgive anything. We walked around the cute little town where there was some sort of art festival. In the few months that it’s warm in Chicago, there are a lot of art festivals in Evanston so if you’re headed that way, take a gander. It’s also worthwhile to head to Evanston for the cute shops/restaurants and beautiful Northwestern campus. While I was walking through there I couldn’t help but think “this could have been my life…why didn’t I transfer to Northwestern when Joel did? I’m a fool.” But then I remembered that Chicago is freezing and everyone here thinks they are the next Tina Fey and I decided Philly had been a good choice of place to grow into the fledgling adult I am today. Besides, Tina is from the Philly area so if I want to be the next “her” I’m just as on track as the Chicago kids.

The next day Genny and I headed to brunch at Tweet, near my one true love Lake Michigan, with some Chicago buddies and the lady who would be joining us on the rest of our travels, Christine. Tweet was everything: the decor was cuter than a place Cinderella would spruce up, the food was yum yum, and the cocktails were works of art. Meanwhile, the staff was really accomodating, allowing a gazillion of us to sit outside at a huge table and providing complimentary coffee while we waited to be seated.  The only downside was that Genny had to sit on the outside of the gated seated area, something her anxiety-ridden little brain could not handle. She spent most of the meal whining at me with her paws propped up on a flower basket attached to the iron fence.

Flower Pup

Like so.

After brunch, Christine and I stopped by Lake Michigan for a brief photo-taking session and then went on to Wicker Park.  Everybody told us Wicker Park was cool, so we went for it. And it was pretty cool. The actual park at Wicker Park is nice and it’s fun to walk in a specific neighborhood in a city because I like the ungodly combo of people-watching/architecture. I was slightly disappointed that most of the stores seemed like chains, but who am I to make comments about window-shopping? The only snag in our little Wicker Park journey was was that we missed The 606, which is an abandoned railroad track turned aboveground park. Right after I returned from Wicker Park, one of my friends informed me this park existed and I was sad. So sad.

That night Joel took me out with his Chitown buddies to Rosa’s Lounge, a jazz and blues club.  I had been told that Green Mill Cocktail Lounge was the jazz venue I wanted to see, once frequented by personal heroes of mine such as Al Capone, So at first I was a little bummed we were going to some place I had never heard of. I proceeded to get more grouchy when the cover charge was $20 when it is usually $12. But they served $15 pitchers of Stella and the music just got better and better as the night went on. The crowd was whacky: full of locals who have been going to the bar for decades, couples who were making dance babies on the floor, and the occaisonal crew of young music enthusiasts such as ourselves. The bartenders seem to know everyone at the bar and I ended up getting a free shot from one of them for some reason.  Around 2 in the morning after dancing for an hour straight to the riveting tones of a man who sounded a lot like an Evangelical minister, we decided it might be time to finish the night. I later found out you aren’t allowed to speak at all during the sets at Green Mill, so in hindsight I’m pretty stoked on Rosa’s.

This is a video I found on Rosa’s website

The next morning, after falling asleep at the ungodly hour of 4 AM, I woke up at the even ungodlier hour of 8:30 to pick up Christine and make our way to Omaha, where we have a friend in medical school. Im going to just throw at this pro-tip that driving in unfamiliar traffic when you are exhausted is not actually the best idea. At one point I made a grievious traffic error in which the backseat of my car toppled onto Genevieve after a very ferocious jolt. Thank G-d my veterinarian prescribed the pup some Xanax or she would have heavy-breathed her way across America after a seat attack such as that.

With Chicago under our belts, we began the not-as-flat-as-i-was-expecting journey through the Midwest. Stay tuned for Omaha and Kansas, the midwestern hot-spots that I will try to convince you are not as terrible as they sound. It’s going to be a blast.

Mission from God

“We’re on a mission from God”

Travel Tip: Never travel during vacation season so you can always find free parking wherever you go.

Hey gang.

Some of you might not know that this very blog, this sweet lil aseemblage of the written word we all love so, had its beginnings as a travel blog. If you’re a recent bandwagon baby or only just stumbled upon Hipster Jew while googling “hot Jewish MILFS”  and were unaware of the HJ  genesis, that’s OK I also didn’t know. When I was informed of the babyhood of the blog I hold dear, I did some cyberstalking research and found some old travel content: a series on Chicky’s Birthright adventure. I just want to make sure you are all well-rounded readers of Hipster Jew content (even the Jewish MILF Googlers).

Anyway, at Hipster Jew, we like to party like it’s 2010 all the time (“heyyo someone pass me the jungle juice,”Did anyone bring the speakers for my Ipod”) so it should come as no surprise that we’re bringing the travel blog back. This time, your friendly neighborhood Schlitz Lipz is going to be sharing an extensive series on my travels across these Americas. That’s right, I left the bitter Northeast for the bright lights and broken dreams of Los Angeles and now you get to hear all about it. Or you can just read this article from The New York Times about New Yorkers fleeing for the West. it’s basically the same thing I’m writing but much, much shorter and with ten times better grammar. See, I care so much about your literacy…it’s almost humbling.

Continue Reading…

Guys. I’m feeling very.



conflicted right now.

At first I watched Taylor Swift’s new music video in collaboration with director Joseph Kahn, Wildest Dreams and I was blown away. Not only is the song pretty OK for the genre of pop, but I’m a sucker for old Hollywood. Give me an old-school film camera, a female lead with a head scarf, and some wide shots of a beautiful foreign landscape and I’m sold.

Savannah Swift

Oh My G-ddess there’s a GIRAFFE!!!!!

Then, I made the mistake of heading to my Facebook timeline. All my liberal activist (or at least social media activist) friends were NOT PLEASED with Taylor’s colonialist-loving, Africa-troping video.  Why? There aren’t any black people in an ENTIRE VIDEO about Africa (Edit: In a Washington Post article defending the video, Joseph Kahn explains that there are black people in the background of some shots he just didn’t cut to them for closeups) Also, it harkens back to colonialism, which pretty much nobody but those of white European descent can say was a good time for their ancestors. Furthermore, Africa is a HUGE COUNTRY (ahem CONTINENT DUH) with many, diverse nations so to portray it as if it is just Simba’s playground is offensive to all those nations.

THe Lion King

Offensive maybe, but damn, it looks like a good time. Hakuna Matata anyone?

Here, I describe the stages of feeling that went through me:

  •  DENIAL: Everyone needs to chill out. Why can no one ever make anything artistic without being criticized for being racist or anti-feminist, etc?
  • ANGER: Oh god I’m racist. I’m a privileged white girl who will never understand the struggle. I didn’t realize it was racist. HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THERE WEREN’T ANY BLACK PEOPLE. IT’S AFRICA!
  • BARGAINING: I just really like lions and zebras is that so bad? Oh god I’m racist.
  • DEPRESSION: Taylor Swift is racist. I’m racist. The world is a horrible place where people get murdered for no reason and babies are aways hungry and then they die.
  • ACCEPTANCE: Well, at least Nutella is still a thing…oooh oh and bananas. Bananas and nutella! And chocolate chip cookie dough icecream! Hold on, let me go to the fridge and see if I have those things.

It is literally impossible for me to come up with my own opinions anymore (thanks internet!) so I take you to the The Atlantic with an article that hit the nail on the hammer. Writer Spencer Kornhaber points out that the video is a nostalgic look at a world that clearly doesn’t exist. The makers of the video are looking nostalgically at movies  (not reality) that focus on the African savannah, and yes these films feature white people and white crew members because that’s what was done at the time.  The Atlantic continues that this is just nostalgia but even nostalgia can piss some people off, because in the nostalgic past, sh-t was f-cked up. Thanks again, white and WASPy ancestors.

I’m just left wondering, if everyone gets offended all the time and no one can make any sort of art without pissing someone off then where do we go from here? Do we just keep arguing on the comments sections in Youtube? I thought writing this post would make me feel less conflicted and sad about the state of the world, but here I am, one blog post down and one and 1/2 gin and tonics in and still very confused and sad.  Life is strange, guys.

Taylor Swift Brunette

The only real lesson I’ve learned from all this is that T Swift looks good with any shade of hair. Bitch.

And in a final note, can we all agree that it’s not a bad thing that Taylor is donating the proceeds of the video to the African Parks Foundation of America?  Maybe there are other causes, but geez, good acts shouldn’t be pooped on. Even if they are publicity stunts.

Film students, whether they be grad students or undergrad make some pretty awful short films. I think it’s a necessary part of the learning process (learning you need to get into another field RIGHT NOW) but I can’t be sure.  There’s just something about having 0 budget and trying to make a drama featuring 5 also college-age actors on location at the university library that just doesn’t work. Or at least doesn’t work very well.

But every rule has an exception. For example, there are blond Jews. They are rare and too beautiful to look at without your retinas burning, but goshdarnit they are there.The horrible awful short film rule by film students was broken by a Mr. Eli Shapiro. Don’t even pretended to be surprised that he’s one of The People because I know you aren’t. We’ve got movie-making in our bones.

Eli’s film, “Ike Interviews God”, is about a very average accountant named Ike who is given the opportunity out of billions of humans to talk to G-d.  When G-d is all like “Yo humanity sucks and I’m destroying the world,” Ike has to step in and try to save the day. Good luck, Ike. Good luck, world.

Ike from Ike Interviews God

This is Ike. I think white men are overrated, but I still probably WOULD if you get me.

The film won first at NYU’s New Visions and Voices Festival and also screened at several other festivals. The closest I’ve gotten to a screening at a festival was flashing a group of overweight bronies at Firefly, so needless to say I’m pretty impressed***.Congrats Eli. Uncle Woody would also be impressed with your film making chops if he actually used the internet and could watch this short on Short of the Week. I mention Uncle Woody so I can throw in a shameless plug to a previous Hipster Jew post I wrote and also because Ike Interviews God is Allen-esque, that is to say in the style of a neurotic Jew doing something and being neurotic while doing it.

Anyway, without further ado, watch this shiz. You won’t be disappointed.

IKE INTERVIEWS GOD from Eli Shapiro on Vimeo.


***Just in case my mother decides to read this blog post even though she traditionally doesn’t read Hipster Jew because it’s too vulgar for her WASPy self, this is NOT TRUE. I’ve never even been to Firefly because the concept of spending ,more than $50 to hang out with basic b*tches disgusts me. And the closest I’ve gotten to flashing someone was nighttime skinny dipping at jewish camp and there wasn’t anyone around except lake snakes and leeches.


****Oh also and Mom, I’ve never had sex so any allusions to that with with the actor who plays Ike and any non-white men are just, ha, for comedy purposes OK? It’s going to be a white wedding I promise please still maybe pay for a little bit of it if I you know, ever find someone self-hating enough to marry me.

Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Marvel has a released another movie featuring one of the Avengers (this time all of them) and I am stuck again choosing which one I want to make out with the most. The trials of a young Jewess are so taxing. Yes, I realize they are fictional characters. Yes, I realize my desire to kiss the Avengers’ inhuman faces doesn’t interest Hipster Jew readers in the slightest. But for some reason, these crazy editors keep letting me pop garbage out for you to intake. So enjoy (?)

So here we are again, the competition ensues: Captain America? Thor? Ironman? The Hulk? Actually scratch out the Hulk. Mark Ruffalo is obviously a babe, but I’m not trying to get Hulk Smashed. If you get me. Such a bummer though, our fictional babies would be so smart. Sigh.

Let’s throw Black Widow into the mix because it will appease the militant feminists who pushed Joss Whedon off the Twatter. Just kidding, militant feminists, I know it wasn’t you guys, I read, OK? And I also know feminism is a good thing, and someone’s gotta fight the fight. That being said, step back from Whedon, he’s not your enemies, ya dummies! Furthermore, I kept Black Widow out of my last poll because she’s a lady and I’m deeply rooted in the closet, but this time I’m encouraging sexual fluidity. Let’s be real here, no matter what way you swing Scarlett J  is a serious hottie.

So here’s the lineup:

More Like Babe-vengers


Iron Man was off limits in the past because he seems pretty much like Pepper’s territory, buttttt homegirl didn’t appear in Age of Ultron, so I’m gonna say her opinion doesn’t really matter. Stark’s wealth, intelligence, and all around rudeness follows a certain pattern in my make out candidates, and I don’t mind keeping that pattern going.

Captain America is not really my type at all. He’s a warhawk, and I never vote for those. There’s a lot of pop culture references I know he won’t understand, and to be honest, Cap, that’s a bit of a deal breaker for me.  If he would perhaps begin smoking the rope dope and spend his time sitting at home eating Cheetos and catching up on more than 50 years of movies, television, literature, and the history of hip hop, the rules might change. A new game would be AFOOT,  but as it stands, He’s most likely out. Unless I don’t know, we make out.

Oh Hulk, I’m so sorry.

Thor is a god. And I have a very hard time trusting someone with that sort of power. There is NO way that a literal god wouldn’t have some severely narcissistic tendencies. He could be the most worthy guy in town, hammer held high, but he would always feel different/better than me (I mean have you ever seen Buffy? Duh). That being said, those muscles are pretty serious.

Black Widow has some tragically serious issues, so obviously I’m very, very interested. She’s everything I’m not really into: red-heads, Eastern Europeans, those who wear a lot of leather. But, she’s such a hardened badass yet gentle lady I just keep coming back to her. What a femme fatale. Oh gosh.

Alright now, imagine, if you will, a world in which I am able to make out with these crazy superheroes (with possibility of something a little extra) and the choice of which one I get is up to you. What a world it would be.

Who should Give A Kiss to Lil Schlitz ?

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I don’t mean to stuff your existences with old news. And by old news I mean, circa Tuesday. As I said, old news. But here I go.

Madonna crashed Drake’s set at Coachella and performed Human Nature with our favorite Nice Jewish Boy. That was weird enough, to be honest. But Madonna is a Material Girl and can do whatever the hell she wants, so you know, it’s alright. But then, it got a lot stranger when Madonna planted a fat one on Drake.

Which again was OK, I guess. I mean they’re both sort of Jewish. I think Madonna was into Kaballah for a little bit. Not that I mind it when Jews and non-Jews bump uglies, in fact I encourage it (Tay Sachs people, it’s a THING). Not to mention, it was kinda hot at first. But then, Madonna took it to darn far. I don’t know exactly was running through MDNA’s brain when she decided to go all in like two teenagers making out in the back of someone’s mom’s minivan. Judge for yourself:


Now, according to the internet (why the hell is Business Insider writing about this?), Drake is saying that we all misunderstood when he stated post-kiss: “What the f-ck just happened?” In fact, literally wiping the kiss from his mouth was clearly a sign of great appreciation. #RapperDrake, do you really think my attention span is that short? I CAN WATCH THE VIDEO ON 30,000 DIFFERENT WEBSITES and your reaction doesn’t look pleased in any one of them.

I get that Drake is scared of the Madonna fans, or getting called ageist, or something along those lines. But come on Drake, we’ll love you no matter what you do. Even though you’re probably really gross because being a celebrity has killed your soul.

Regardless, Madonna needs to back up because I took a “What Famous Nice Jewish Boy Is Your Soulmate” and I got Drake. So stand down, Queen of Pop. Every little thing that you say or do, Im hung up on you(r relationship with my Buzzfeed soulmate).<3 Drake

Dear Drake, Please be “The Best I Ever Had”

Fellow Jews, the patriarchy’s been messing with Cousin Sarah (Silverman) and that’s just one step too far for me. Patriarchy, you angered me when you instituted street harassment. When I found out about the prevalence of on-campus sexual abuse, I shook my fists in rage.  I almost fell into a diabetic coma of disdain when I read about all the crap Florida does to ladies..  But this, THIS IS TOO FAR, PATRIARCHY.

Recently, Sarah admitted that she had been paid 1/6 of what a male colleague was paid at a comedy club in New York. And yea, the owner is saying it’s not because she’s a woman that she was paid less…but she’s not the only lady who gets paid less for her efforts. So regardless of what he’s saying, the issue cannot be denied. The rest of us, as a standard, get paid 78.3 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Cousin Sarah

Sarah’s unimpressed with you, Patriarchy.

When Sarah cries, we all cry. I’m crying right now. Let’s fight the patriarchy, yo.

Uhoh, Demi-Jews, 2015 is a weird year for us. The year 2014,we did some serious holiday mixing. A little Thanksgiving, a little Hannukka; it was bizarre but it didn’t hurt anybody. That sort of holiday mixing is OK because the whole thing ended in cranberry applesauce and Manischewitz-brined turkeys. And who doesn’t like turkey? (Stand down, vegetarians)

But this year is going to be a little different. For those of us who’ve got one parent who worships the Zombie Jesus and one parent who worships the elitism of The People, this year we’ve got quite the conundrum. This year, the first days of the Jewish Passover is also the end of Holy Week. Which for those of you lil Jews who don’t get Christianity, Holy Week begins on Palm Sunday in remembrance of the day everyone was like “Yo Jesus, you’re so great let’s wave palm branches at you” and ends with Easter weekend when Jesus was betrayed at a biblical-age Seder, died for everybody’s sins and then rose from the grave in an attempt to find braiiiiiins.


 Why must you leave, Jon, why?

What does one do when Poppa Goy wants you to attend Good Friday service with the Gentile side of your family, but Mamma Yid wants you to attend a Seder at Auntie Mim’s house with all your Jewy relatives? Your options are very different, but both promising. Good Friday, though completely smothered with lots of sad organ music is actually not that much of a waste of time. For some reason, the story of Jesus getting betrayed by his disciple, Judas, really puts the whole thing where your ex-best friend Cecily made out with that dreamboat Coffee Shop Dan and you were simply heartbroken in some serious perspective. On the other hand (cue Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof), who doesn’t like eating a crap-ton of delicious brisket or lamb or whatever Auntie Mim decided to slow roast in her crock pot for three days at a Seder (SO TENDER!)? This, my friends, is a toughie.

I want to tell you that you can do both. “Don’t worry fellow half-breeds”, I want to triumphantly shout, “Luckily Harry Potter is letting us borrow his time turner because Daniel Radcliffe is a haflie just like us so you can manage to please both sides of your family!”

But. I can’t. Because even if you could attend them all: every Seder that every single aunt and uncle is holding, all the Easter egg hunts your second cousins’ insist you mediate because you were a camp lifeguard that one summer, all the matzah and Easter ham you can stuff in your belly, you still can’t please everybody. The Gentile side will always be concerned for your immortal soul and the Jewish side will always be concerned that if you don’t marry a nice Jewish boy/girl you’ll die in a goyish poverty.

The bottom line, stop trying to please everybody. Pleasing your whole family is an Afikoman you will never find. If anything, the message for you this Holy Week/Passover two weeks is to just do you. Take your own Afikoman, dip it in and dark chocolate and hide it wherever you damn well please. But make sure it’s not somewhere the dog can reach because as we all know, dark chocolate isn’t great for pups’ digestive tracts. Take an extra shift at work instead of attending either event, then take the guilt from that and shove it up your own ass (this is the price of guilt, my friends) This life lesson brought to you by the often-unavailable Schlitz Lipz for all of you: half Jews, full Jews, Jew-bangers, Jew-wannabe-bangers. Christians, non-Christians, lambs up for the Passover slaughter, pigs up for the Easter ham, everybody.

And remember, Obama is the anti-Christ Lizard G-d who’s going to destroy the world in about two weeks, so none of this junk matters anyway.