Archives For Schlitz Lipz

Too many of ye out there are worried about your “freedom of speech” and your “right to bear arms” (like to eat? I just don’t get the obsession with bear arms, like WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THEM?) What you should really be concerned about is your right to whip your hair back and forth.

The Interwebbers have been all up on their high horses because there’s this monster rumor going around that Kim Jong-un is making the lads of North Korea rock the same Macklemore ‘do he currently flaunts… on his evenings out with Dennis Rodman.

Dear G-d. What is the world coming to?

Kim Jong-un Apparently a world where this hairstyle is accepted as attractive

Luckily, this whole thing is just a rumor loosely based in facts. And Kim Jong-un isn’t besties with Obama (yet) so it’s not likely we will all have to shave our heads and dye them salt and pepper in solidarity with our Commander-in-Chief.  Unless we really want too. Because that’s our right as Americans, DAMNIT!.

It turns out, long hair for men is frowned upon by the North Korean government because it “stifles intellectual development” and “consumes a great deal of nutrition” . In the past there have a regulated 28 hairstyles (14 for men, 14 for women) that residents are obligated to have.

I almost wish our society was as great as that of Admirable and Powerful North Korea. Since they have time to coordinate everybody’s hair they must have sorted out issues like hunger and homelessness. Great job,  Brave and Benevolent Leader, Kim Jong-un!

 

 

I really miss the simpler times. You know those days when you got to watch Bill Nye the Science Guy during class because your teacher forgot her morning whiskey in the coffee? Bill Nye was a god. A science god. A Bill Nye the Science God.

Now the only time I get to see Bill on the telly is when he argues with Creationists about whether or not humans used dinosaurs as taxis or other such endeavors.  While this is still simple (though in a different way), it is not the kind of simple I can or want to compute.

Recently in this vein, Bill had the pleasure of debating climate change on Meet the Press with Republican Congresswoman and vice-chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Marsha Blackburn.  I had the not so pleasure of watching it.

Bill Nye VS. Marsha Blackburn

I’ll just give you the basics in a cute little true or false situation. Blackburn made the arguments:

  1. There is no scientific consensus on climate change- False
  2. You can’t make laws when you’re basing them on unproven sciences- Ehhhhhhhh (see above actual consensus)
  3. All potential solutions to the climate problem must undergo short-term cost-benefit analysis - False (Bitch, have you SEEN The Day After Tomorrow? THERE IS NO TIME!)
  4. Continuing to use carbon is the way to go. – False (Do you think it’s comfy living in the pockets of energy companies? It seems like it would be).
  5. Bill Nye is not a climate scientist. True (but he does know how to read)
  6. The amount of carbon in the atmosphere is very slight. - False (Nothing says slight like a 25% increase)

Instead of listing Bill’s arguments, because I sort of just did… lemme give you some badazzzzz quotes from the Science Guy,

“As a guy who grew up in the US, I want the US to lead the world in this….The more we mess around with this denial, the less we’re going to get done.”

“So the fewer very dirty coal-fired power plants we have, the better. The less energy we waste, the better. The less inefficient our transportation systems are, the better. The more reliable our electricity transmission systems are, the better.”

( and my personal favorite directed right at Ms.Blackburn) “You are our leader, We need you to change things, not deny what’s happening.”

In the event of the end of the world due to this climate change situation, I’m building an ark. Let me know if you want in.

 

I’m sorry for the Upworthyish title. I knew it was the only way to get your attention.

When you were a wee lass or lad what were your expectations in a future spouse?  I’m pretty sure mine mostly involved having the person look vaguely like Usher, have a reasonable I.Q, and of course that innate YJF siren call I fail try to supress: that of the nice Jewish Boy. But I can’t remember because I have killed far too many brain cells.

Jolly Ole St. Valentine is on his way and you know what that means: gratuitous amounts of candy this year and watching a solo double feature of He’s Just That Into You followed by He’s Just Not That Into You.  But maybe this year it’s also time for a little reflection…

Recently, American youngsters Blaire (6) and Brooke (9) made a list of rules for their future boyfriends. Take a gander. Maybe you can think about whether or not their expectations match yours. Or if your potential significant other matches up. No matter what over-analytical mind game you (a completely neurotic little weirdo) play with yourself, it’s a real treat.

 30 Rules for Boyfriends

There’s just something about things written in marker. You know?

Thanks to milady @LaurenOutLoudd for the tip.

 

 

Don’t even read this. Call any Florida-dweller whose ever pinched you at a bar mitzvah and tell them you appreciate their wisdom. Then read this.

My roommate’s uncle, Mark Effron, wrote an article for The New York Times about his father, Irving Effron, a 91-year-old with dimentia. It’s incredibly well-written and will bring, at the very least, two tears to your eyes.

This past year, my grandfather on the Jewish side of my family died following a horrible struggle with Alzheimer’s. Reading about the family of someone so close to me (Chloe and I have shared the same toilet for a WHOLE YEAR)  and realizing their struggles are similar to those of my family was super cathartic.

 Harry Lipsitz and Isabel Lizmi

Shoutout to Grandpa Harry and my beautiful niece Isabel

It’s cool how families can be so different but similar. And we all go through struggles. And sometimes the only thing that’s important is the people in your life who you have “nachas” for. Or those who have “nachas” for you. Even those bringers-of-nachas you forget about sometimes.

I need to try to make nachos now. #SnowDayMunchies

Chiggity-check this article. For the feels. Because you deserve them.

**Thanks to Daniel Lizmi for the photo!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Heebsters and Sheebsters, your favorite Jewish holiday is upon us!

Tu B’shevat! What is Tu B’shevat, our more goyish readers may wonder? Think of Rosh HaShanah, but for trees. Or Israeli Arbor Day. Or at my house, whatever day of the year my lovely shiksa mother would wake the family bright and early to pull weeds on the farm.

tu bishvat cartoon

But let’s be real, this is just another Jewish holiday you can use in your constant quest to skip out on work. Good job, using your religion to your advantage as your forefathers did before you! This Tu B’shevat, as you sit on your couch smoking tree in celebration of the trees, consider watching these **tree-related movies.

What else are you going to do? Plant a tree in the Holy Land? Please.

 1. The Happening: (Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel)

The best way to commemorate the Earth is to remind ourselves that if we keep messing with Her she and all her plant friends are going to give off a noxious gas and kill us all. This movie is also shot partially in Philadelphia. Which I’m told is the best city in the world for filmmaking because of the amazing local crew opportunities you can find as well as the tax credit incentives. Thanks M. Night!

2. The Two Towers: (Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, various ensemble cast)

This movie is admittedly very long. But there are talking trees. And New Zealand is really beautiful. So why the hell not?

3. The FernGully Trilogy:

 Not familiar with the FernGully trilogy?  It all started with FernGully in 1992. In FernGully (Pochahantas/Avatar), Zak (John Smith/Jake Sully), a free thinker involved with an evil logging company (Virgina Company, Earth Soldier dudes), meets his indigenous fairy soulmate: Crysta (Pochahantas/Neytiri). With the help of his animal sidekick Robin Williams the bat, Zak wins over Crysta’s tribe of tree fairies (Native American/Na’vi). You can watch all of them or just one. You might even consider watching them all at once on three different screens.

4. Tree of Life: (Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Jessica Chastain)

I still don’t really understand what happened in this film. Not that I watched it. Or that I ever will. But then again, I might someday. I like Brad Pitt a whole lot. Who doesn’t? Come at me Tyler Durden, amiright?

5. Evil Dead (Bruce Campbell)

In this 1981 Sam Raimi classic, a chick gets RAPED by a TREE. It is horrible and hilarious and icky all at once. Not to slut shame, but that’ll teach her to ever read ancient creepy texts out loud. It’s called the Book of the Dead, come on, people. But rape is never OK. Especially if trees are doing it.

Bonus Short: (The Giving Tree)

An actual animated narration of The Giving Tree  is all up on The Youtubes. For those of you who didn’t have proper childhoods, The Giving Tree is the beautiful story of a tree that gave everything she had for the little boy she loved as he grew into a man. For such a small tree she sure had a lot of wood.

**films may not be on Netflix. G-d help us all.

Well, SNL is doing it (right?). At least they’re doing. We can’t all be winners.

It’s Jew month starting with Drake on January 18th and Jonah Hill on January 25th. That’s two Jews for the price of one, if you will. But also really for the price of two. Because there’s two shows. So there really isn’t much of a deal here but it should still be pretty exciting for all involved.

I am so excited for SNL to take a stab at Audrey Graham’s performance on Degrassi. Poor wheelchair Jimmy, never going to be the basketball star you once dreamed.  But don’t worry, you still have the love of your teenage fiancé Trina.

Degrassi Drake

Drake and Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill and Drake. It’s going to be an adorable month.

Meanwhile, SNL also added Sasheer Zamata, their first black female cast member since Maya Rudolph. Good job, SNL. Hit all your bases. Jews, women, black people. Your open-mindedness will surely get you a lot of viewership. I look forward to the performances of Sasheer, Drake, and Jonah. But let’s be honest, mostly Drake.

And live from Hipster Jew, it’s Wednesday around midday, and I’m sitting at home watching Buffy. OK, not even Buffy. I’m watching Angel because that’s the kind of day it is.

That’s it. It is too fucking cold.

What the hell is wrong with this place?

Go Home Arctic

“It’s basically the jet stream on a drunken path going around the Northern Hemisphere,” proclaims Jennifer Francis, a smart person from Rutgers University (something called a scientist? I’m still looking into it.) in an interview with Mother Jones.

Yep. Humans have been taking trash dumps all over the Earth for years and now She’s taken to drinking. The Earth is a woman. I  think we can all agree on that.

There’s a whole scientific thing about how the Arctic is heating up and how that leads to erratic jet stream behavior, but I really can’t/don’t understand it. So we’re just going to skip that little meteorology lesson. You can read all about it here. Or just read the first line of every paragraph like I did.

Knowledge is power.

 

 

Alright, let’s all leave our pride and Jewish elitism on the floor and admit that Christmas music is the absolute greatest thing about this overly commercialized and seemngly never-ending holiday cheerfest.

If it weren’t for She & Him’s version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, or Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas, or Sufjan Steven’s entire Chrstmas album I just wouldn’t see any point to the holidays at all except for…

Cats. Cats and dogs.

They make it all OK. Even with the Christmas commercials starting in mid-October, the overly sentimental romantic crap (iceskating and then falling on your stupid face does not COUNT as something romantic), and all of the Christmas gifts nobody really wants, furry four-leggeds and Christmas carols are the root of all awesome.

In conclusion, check out Christmas Cats TV. It’s a joyous place where for eight hours a day you can watch a live stream of the antics of a crazy grandma cat lady and her multiple cats. Meanwhile, there’s Christmas music from Legacy Recordings playing non-stop and YOU CAN ADOPT THE KITTIES.

Kitty Cat Meow

Some of those cats are wearing sweaters. SWEATERS.

Give in to the goyishness, Jew Babies. You know you want to.

Sometimes I get a little ranty. People who care deeply for the Festival of Lights, I’d like to apologize in advance for this Hannukkah-themed rant. But I really don’t care that much.

Hannukkah is such a pitiful excuse to make sure Jewbabies don’t try to convert to Christianity. If eight presents is the only thing keeping someone attached to their culture/faith they should very seriously re-evaluate, well, most things. Or maybe we can all just agree that Christmas isn’t really a religious thing anymore and that everyone should probably just celebrate Commercial Christmas. Jews wrote all the Christmas songs anyway, right?

Rant over. In the most recent attempt by Jews to model their own form of winter-themed commercialized  holiday, (example: Hannukkah bushes), we have ‘Mensch on a Bench’. Not to be confused with the famous Yom Kippur children’s book, ‘JAP in the Gap’ or the infamous ‘Yid on the Grid’.

Mensch on a Bench

For those of you who are completely confused by the significance of a mensch sitting on any bench, allow me to fill you in on the ‘Christmas tradition’ from 2005, ‘Elf on the Shelf’. ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is a children’s book about a creepy little elf who spies on little boys and girls for Santa. The box set comes with your very own possessed dummy elf to watch you dream!

Who decides if something is a tradition?

Anyway, a man who used to work for HASBRO felt bad that he couldn’t buy his little Jew progeny an Elf on the Shelf. So he created Mensche on a Bench. And despite my grumbles and anti-Hannukkah sentiments, people will still buy the Jew version. And the Goy version. Because that’s what the holidays are really about isn’t it? Elfs and Menschs sitting wherever they damn well please. G-d bless us everyone.

 

 

Boys will be boys.

Girls are full of sugar and spice and all things nice.

Boys make silly jokes about farts and dicks.

Girls make jokes about being timely for dates with boys as well as gardening or cooking. Gender roles are gender roles and life is all very black and white.

That’s basically what I got out of the review in Variety about Cousin Sarah’s recent HBO special, “We Are Miracles”.  According to our trusty reviewer, Brian Lowry, Sarah has  “limited herself by appearing determined to prove she can be as dirty and distasteful as the boys.”

silverman-hbo-special

Sarah Silverman isn’t practicing her brand of humor because she personally thinks it’s funny. She’s just doing it because its edgy. That’s probably what boys really like. Right? Edgy girls who burp and fart in public? Right?

Apparently, even though Sarah has many talents and could be funny in many other ways, she instead consistently uses the CUNextTuesday word to get people to pay attention to her. That’s what girls do. Make decisions based on getting attention. If we don’t have attention, we wither and fade away baby-less, husbandless, and alone.

bitchshitcockdickfuckass That lil naughty word tangent should get me a man. Right?