Archives For Hipster Jew

Jewish Indie Bands

Hipster Jew —  01/21/2014 —  Comments

Here is our ongoing list of terrible, punny, Jewish indie bands. #JewishIndieBands

alt-Jew
Architecture in Jerusalem
Badly Drawn Goy
Belle & Circumcision
Ben Kveller
Brighton Beach House
Bubbe and the Kvetchers
Built to Kvell
Butthole Daveners
Challah & Wine
Clap Your Hands and Do the Hora!
Clap Your Hands and Say Feh.
Daf Punk Torah
Death Cab for Shlomo
Deer Schtick
Department of Ephraim
Double Mizvah Lovers
Dr. Dov
Explosions in my Intestines
Feh Against the Machine
Gefilte Phish
Grizzly Dov Bear
Goyrillaz
Guided By Boychiks
Haredi Block Party
Hatzalah LTD
Hot Hot Chutzpah
Hüsker Nü
Hüsker Jü
Israelite on Radar
Israelroids
Jew York Dolls
Kosher Milk Hotel
Kvetchshawn
Lana Del O’Veys
Lil Yosef and the East Side Boy zzz
Mem Gimel Mem Tet (Now Know as MGMT)
Modesty Code Mouse
My Morning Service
Nebittze Mouse
Neutral Lactaid Hotel
Neutral Milk Kotel
Nu?
Oy Division
Oy La Tengo
Oy Oy Oys
Panic! At the Discount Outlet
Passover Pit
Peter Baruch and John
Plain White Tzitzit
Santigoldstein
SchMuse
Shksa Shksa Shksa (!!!)
SHVLES
SYNAGOGVES
The Apples in Honey
The Black Hats
The Disappointments
The ‘Lo!’ Team
The Nu Pornographers
The Stein Rosens
The Walkmench
The White Stripe Talit
The צצ
They Might be Golems
TV nor the Radio (on Shabbos)
Wheezer
Yom Kippur War Kids
Yuch

Thanks to @AtlantaJMF @jonselig @liprap @Brizzem @theduckmanz @OMGWTFBIBLE @adamhayden @thejohnqcitizen @RaychFeldman @shannirosa @Flosston @11amAirRaid @chaosrah @itwavezzz @kinislo

Dear hipster jew,

can i replace latkes with french fries? im a single bro, living with other bros, and i dont wanna cook. latkes seem like a ton of work! can i just throw some frozen french fries in the oven, or even better just go buy some fries at my local pub? thanks,

french fry fiend

 

Dear French Fry Fiend,

Don’t get me wrong, french fries are good! And if you’re that much of a lazy piece of shit, I say eat so many french fries until you barf! And if you need some motivation, I DARE you to do it. Because that’s a good stereotype for bros, being unable to step down from a challenge. Okay?

Alright. Is he gone? Good. I wanna talk to everyone else for a second.

What type of asshole chooses french fries over latkes? Why would you not make some frozen hash browns instead? Hell, add some hash to your hash browns and then you’ll have the best Hanukkah ever. But french fries? That’s neither American NOR Jewish, atleast not when it comes to our greatest cultural holidays. Next you’ll eat a Turkey sandwich with a dinner roll and call it a Thanksgivukkah meal?

It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake. Let’s have SOME dignity here.

~ HipsterJew

 

Dear Hipster Jew,

Both of my boyfriends got me the same Hanukkah present, the latest Maccabeats CD. They don’t even know the other person exists! Am I that predictable? And what I am supposed to do with two copies?

Sincerely,

J.A.P, Jewish American Playa

 

Dear J.A.Playa,

Yes, you are predictable. I’m sure both boyfriends assume you are cheating on them, but they’d prefer to live in a fairy tale land. Also, you give good head, so they’re not gonna complain (yet!). And the ‘trickle down economy’ of your dad’s money isn’t hurting either. I’d say accept the two gifts and just be glad these two haven’t run into each other at a bar and played Jewish Geography, or friended the other one on Facebook.

As for your double Maccabeats album, this is an easy one. Give one to your parents! They’ll think you’re really into being Jewish, and if you’ve played your cards right they only know about the Jewish decoy boyfriend anyway. Nothing like getting points with your parents without even having to spend their money on them!

~HipsterJew

 

If you have any other terrible questions you need answered terribly, please email us info [at] hipsterjew [dot] com.

  • 3 pictures of people in their mid 20′s doing work

  • 7 ways Jesus died for our sins

  • 8 6th grade sluts that need shaming

  • 11 ways to remind yourself old people still get naked

  • 12 self centered things about me that might be about you too!

  • 13 hottest freshman at Community College

  • 14 pictures I took on my camera phone by accident

  • 16 ways you know your grandpa listens to Fox News

  • 17 best gang bangers in Montana

  • 21 teachers you wouldn’t have sex with

  • 22 things I learned about myself from the ‘sittin’ on the toilet video

  • 24 ways to stand your ground (sexily)

  • 25 people I want to murder my vagina

  • 28 people my mom once called ‘faggy’

  • 30 signs you’re driving while reading this

  • 31 people posing with roadkill

  • 39 people who may or may not have been Trayvon once

  • 300 reasons why being a white over-privileged 20 year old rules

marczg

Nickname: Marc Z. G.
Location: Israel/Toronto/hopefully Brooklyn soon
Age: 23
Occupation: IDF Soldier/Blogger
But your mother always dreamt you would become: A lawyer.
Level of Jewishness / Hipsterness: I maintain a blog called The Only Living Vegan In The IDF. ‘Nuff said.
I am a Boychik looking for a Girlchick.

If you could be a typeface, which one would you pick?
The, uh, one Apple uses all the time…

How do you take your coffee?
Don’t drink coffee. It tweaks me out.

Favorite vegan dish your mother makes:
She orders Indian food for me and puts it on a plate. I enjoy it immensely and eat the leftovers for the rest of the week.

Oh baby, tell me what you put on your bagel.
Hummus and tomatoes.

Whats the first song on your make out mix?

Either “Tonight, Tonight” by The Smashing Pumpkins or “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine.

When you make ‘bad decisions’, what is your drink of choice?
PROTEIN SHAKE AND KICK THAT BAD DECISION IN THE FACE!

What is the most obscure band you’ve ever seen?
I’m just going to answer this with a band I haven’t seen live called Beef Terminal. It’s an inside joke between me and a buddy. It’s the most ‘hipster-band-y’ name of all time. Actually not bad music.

If you would like to submit your own profile for Who Wants A HJ, please send an email to love [at] hipsterjew [dot] com. All applicants encouraged to email! If you find yourself in love with one of our Hipster Jews and want to get in contact with them, send an email to love [at] hipsterjew [dot] com.

Hi everyone!

It’s the summer and no one likes to be on their stupid hot computer. So we’ve decided to rebuild our website while you’re at the beach. Expect a lot of changes in the next month. Expect a lot of bad links. Expect a lot of bad design. Expect a lot of things, just don’t expect much from us.

<3 – Hipster Jew

donald-trump-antisemite

Donald Trump is known to say some outrageous things and have outrageous opinions. His twitter account allows us to see the garbage that spews out of his toupee in real-time. So his tweet about Jon Stewart is not surprising. But it makes us wonder, is this tweet a bit anti-semitic?

Our bright writers decided to answer this:

Chicky: It’s not antisemitic per se. I think (big assumption here) that he’s saying you can’t trust Jon Stewart because *gasp* he changed his name.

Alex the Goy: Yeah, it is sort of a “You can’t trust someone who changed his name (from something JEW-Y)”

Duckman: The undertones are what’s anti-semitic. No one in show business goes by their real name.

IronyonRye: We all know everyone in showbiz is a j00… Btw, does that awful toupee cover up a subspace radio linked to aliens? It would explain his weirdness

Alex the Goy: Donald Trump has a tell for when he’s concealing prejudice: his self-sentient hair writhes with joy. The hair cannot lie. While tweeting, his hair writhed.

Duckman: What’s wrong with pointing out someone is Jewish when trashing them for hurting your feelings? I always point out the religion, ethnicity, and color of skin when talking about people I don’t like.

Chicky: If you can’t be a Jewish celebrity, why not hate them because you failed as a shitty celebrity?

The conversation went on in some weird and funny ways all of which would get us sued by Donald Trump. Or this conversation never happened and I just made it up completely. Anyways, is this anti-semitic? We don’t really know. But this is the second day in a row that Trump has railed against a Jew.

anthony-weiner-gop-valentines

We learned in an interview that Anthony Weiner sexted more hawt young ladieeezzz who never outed him to the public. What does this mean? There are potential hundreds, if not millions, of racy pictures of Anthony Weiner out there in the world today (or in people’s digital trashcans) just waiting to be found. We at Hipsterjew decided to take a stab at what these texts may be about.

  • Making a BLT sandwich on his chest
  • Comparing his weiner to a ny dirty water hotdog
  • Slurping cocaine of a mannequins ass
  • He attached dic pics to every piece of legislation he voted for
  • His penis painted as the statue of liberty and/or empire state building

Well, we did it. It took 3 years but we are famous. 5,000+ likes on Facebook. We offered you all a free sticker if you signed up for our email list, and I learned that we’ve got readers who work in the weirdest of places. Sometimes I’m not sure if you’re joking or if you reaaally work there. I really hope you guys are just super creative. That’s really the only reason I have the section for “Work” on the mailing list. I don’t care where you live, I just want to read funny things. So here are my favorites that you guys put down.

  • Matzoball HQ
  • simon wiesenthal center
  • LOL
  • Camp
  • dance house and sex pavillion
  • haha, what?
  • Im fabulous
  • Loonie toonie
  • your mom
  • High School
  • BustyJew

crunk

Nickname: Manischewitz Crunk
Location: Sacramento, CA
Occupation: starving artist.
But your mother always dreamed you would become: a lawyer, in true Jew fashion. She knew better than to dream of my becoming a doctor. But her wish may come true if I get my PhD in English. Don’t all Jewish mothers dream of a doctor?
Level of Jewishness / Hipsterness: 100% Jew purebred. 100% Hipster Jew. I am the poster child.

I am a WOMAN looking for a MAN

How do you take your coffee?
With coffeemate pumpkin spice creamer. Damn you seasonal flavors.

Favorite vegan dish your mother makes:
Meatloaf. Hipster Jew or no, we don’t play that game.

Oh baby, tell me what you put on your bagel.
I slowly slather a big dollop of cream cheese on my freshly toasted everything bagel, seductively smearing the white cream all over the body of the bagel, paying extra special attention to fill the hole.

When you make ‘bad decisions’, what is your drink of choice?
TEQUILA! ole.

What is the most obscure band you’ve ever seen?
You’ve never heard of them. DUH.

Anything else you’d like to add?
My mother thinks I am quite the catch.

Shirley is the furry little guy with me in the picture.

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