Archives For Chicky

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.

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Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

It’s a McSweeney’s Internet Hanukkah!

Ever wonder what the best and worst Hanukkah films are?

Hint: Not the Hebrew Hammer

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle everyone! The Christmas knockoff of a lazy parenting trick, Elf on the Shelf, is now making it’s way to the homes of spoiled Jewish children. While Mensch on the Bench has been on shelves since since 2013, everyone knows the only way to make real money is to add other sidekicks and supporting characters (MERCHANDISIN’!). And sometimes, even though you’re a former Hasbro Exec, you need to ask people for some of their money (because spending one’s own money is too damn hard sometimes).

That’s right, people. Mensch on the Bench is so legit now. How legit? They got $150,000 from Shark Tank for 15% of the business,, AND they were mentioned in my hometown paper, The Providence Journal.

BFD, people. BFD. Remember this as the day that we finally won the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

//via Projo

Someone really needs to tell him these aren’t the Jews who will give him lots of money and help him win elections. You did this last year Rick and it didn’t win you anything then. Quit while you’re still a douche. #sorrybutnotsorrychabad
#messianicsuperjews

If you haven’t read through our archives, we here at Hipsterjew have very strong feelings about parodies. (You have one? Don’t fucking record it. Unless it’s so good that the world will thank you.)

For some reason people love Hanukkah Parodies. Like I feel like I should trademark the phrase ‘Hanukkah Parodies’ there’s been so many. So many Jewish parodies of Jewish holidays. And people still love them. And I am left to wonder how Jewish people became some engrained in the entertainment industry if this is the shit that people seem to enjoy.

Also, why does it always have to be a group of men? Like I get when you’re religious you can’t listen to any women above the age of 11 sing (which is weird and creepy, but a topic for another day). Why can’t it be a group of women, or a mixed group? And why it is almost always acapella? Didn’t every Jew take some sort of music lessons as a kid because sports are taxing and scary? I guess because then they can sing in Synagogue and finally make it almost bearable? (If you’ve ever been to an Orthodox shul and people sand acapella instead of the typical grumble-singing, please email me so I can call you a liar).

If people don’t know what Hanukkah is about, it’s about a bunch of bros singing some parody songs for fun. If this song shows anything it’s that there’s a huge gap when it comes to bearable Hanukkah songs. Maybe next year the Hanukkah Miracle could be that I don’t hear a parody. Until then….I guess I’ll just…shake it off.

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Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.

//FailedMessiah

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Let’s be real. Your kid owns a lot of stupid, shitty toys. These toys are sold to you (and them) by terrible companies that have zero qualms about advertising to children on their favorite TV shows. Advertising to kids is the worse thing you can do, unless you are a Hipster and have super good taste in everything. Otherwise you’re kid is gonna want to listen to One Direction and barf out with the latest Disney Princess collection.

Buy your child this hipster clothes paper doll set. It’s cheap, it’s JPEG, and you can always edit it how you see fit. It’s cheaper than the trash you’re buying them now, and it harkens back to the days when you’re parents didn’t love you and only bought you the cheapest of cheap toys.

Atleast there’s no small plastic pieces for the dog to choke on/poop out?
//graphicriver

We’ve all been there. Walking down the street, or on your college campus. A Chabad Rabbi is smiling way too charistmatically in front of his ‘Sukkah Mobile’ as he asks if you’re Jewish. You do it, because you have guilt, because you are Jewish. (History should teach us to lie when anyone asks us if we are Jewish.) You make a public spectacle of yourself, you try to move on, and forget that being Jewish can be so embarrassing when it’s thrust upon you like a mountainous burden. It’s tough being Jewish on the strees of NYC.

What I’m trying to say is that this video is perfect. I’m not sure how I feel about it taking away from the original video about women being catcalled, but even as a video on it’s own it is pretty fucking funny.

//Huffpo

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This may be the final death blow to all music everywhere. One day in the future we will say “Music, what was that? You mean the noises the iRobot Corporation makes for us so that we can pretend we live on Earth and not in our space colony?” That music.

Sure, not all of it was great. There was Nickelback. Some of it was secretly sonically delicious, like T-Swift. But atleast it was OUR music. Atleast there was heart and soul. Now, there’s only Sour Patch Kids. In a house. Tricking all of NYC into selling out.

Bands and touring musicians looking for sweet relief from their touring schedules may soon start dreaming about Sour Patch Kids.

A couple weeks ago, the Mondelez-owned candy brand opened up a house in Brooklyn where touring bands can recover from the rigors of the road. It’s called the Brooklyn Patch, and according to Mondelez marketing director Farrah Bezner, the Patch represents a long-term investment in indie music culture.

At what cost? Do you have to burn all your Pixies albums? Do you have to pledge allegiance to Generic Indie Band of the Month? Nothing in life is free, especially with shitty corporations funded by the terrible dentists. Tell me, Sour Patch ‘Kids’, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING IN RETURN?!?! Blow jobs?

Nevertheless, there is a quid pro quo associated with staying at the Patch. Artists who stay at the house are expected to create some content that Sour Patch Kids can share across a number of digital channels, which include a Brooklyn Patch-branded Tumblr as well as the brand’s Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. Ms. Bezner said it is also exploring the possibility of adding further amplification partners.

Blow jobs.

“We’re a tastemaking agency,” said Alex Kirshbaum, Jesse Kirshbaum’s brother and a partner at NUE Agency. “They trust us.”

Look. Being a musician sucks. The pay is miniscule, if at all, and there’s a ton of hours on the road. But that’s why you have friends, or you meet other bands and crash at each other’s apartments. Don’t sleep at Sour Patch Manor. And definitely don’t trust people who call themselves a ‘tastemaking agency’. Those buzzwords have no place for people who are looking to create expressive, personal art.

 

//Adage

Noad Lahat, Israeli-American UFC fighter, won a bout yesterday and is returning to Israel to rejoin the IDF. Hey, even the great Red Sox Ted Williams went overseas during WWII. Sounds like my perfect weekend.

//Failed Messiah