Archives For Chicky


Rick Perry, like many of the Texas governors and presidents before him, loves his Jewish people. He loves them! And by that, I mean he loves the super conservative but wealthy neoconservatives. And by that, I mean he loves their money.

But before diving in, Perry took a moment to appreciate his surroundings. “I’m more Jewish than you think I am,” he told me. “I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” He boasted that he has been going to Israel since 1992.

Some people don’t know but there is a Jewish hierarchy in the world. It works like this:

Hassidic Jews who live in Israel > Regular Jews who live in Israel > Religious Jews outside of Israel > non-religious Jews who have been to Israel > Goys who have been to Israel since 1992 > Jews who go on Birthright > Jews who vote Democrat > Hipster Jews > Jews who intermarry > Being 1/2 Jewish > Being 1/4 Jewish > Being Dead (maybe?)


Kosher Enemas! Yum!

Chicky —  06/05/2014 —  Comments


Kosher used to mean something. It used to mean that a Rabbi came over, looked at some food, and was like ‘yeah seems cool’. Then, it meant that a super religious Rabbi had to look at food and check it over like the world’s most OCD person ever. Being beyond strict used to be what mattered most when some sort of food item was deemed Kosher. But now?

Now anything can be deemed Kosher. It’s like the word has lost all meaning, except for ‘person who cares WAAAAYYY too much about being a better Jew than their neighbor.’ Toilet paper can be Kosher. Plastics can be Kosher. Non-edible lube can be Kosher. And even butt things can be Kosher.

Yeah that’s right, Kosher enemas! When you need solvent put in your tuchus, and it needs to be Kosher (would a Rabbi have to make some sort of ‘No Homo Brucha’ while using this product? Is there such a blessing? I mean, you’re supposed to thank God every time you poop…does this include accidentally pooping your pants..nevermind.)

Turns out you can charge some money and slap a Kosher symbol on anything, because people are gullible. And they* said Rabbis wouldn’t be hip with capitalism!
*No one.

//Failed Messiah

Seth Rogen is always doing nice things. Sometimes he promotes Alzheimer research. Sometimes he acts in movies. Sometimes he gets high with Snoop Dogg and discusses Game of Thrones. Is this not every person’s dream? If it’s not your dream, I probably don’t want to be friends with you.

Can some Jewish organization that does lots of boring things give out a National Jewish Treasure Award? And can Seth Rogen win for 5 years straight?

Well everyone’s favorite Jewish summer camp is coming back! After years of rumors about a sequel or prequel movie, after learning that everyone is willing to shoot the movie for next to little money (so many famous actors and actresses!), except for Bradley Cooper who’s probably a dick in real life, it seems Netflix may actually make a 9-episode prequel series!

Let me just say, I am a little nervous. After seeing the ‘meh’ that was Arrested Development on Netflix, I’m worried that director David Wain (of the State) may make a slower, less-ridiculous version of his original masterpiece.

But who knows! Maybe after 14 years of directing other projects, all David wants to do is get back to his roots, his summer camp roots, and rehash a bunch of adolescent teens masturbating and having Kosher sex.


I’m from Rhode Island. This means many different things. I like Dell’s Lemonade, coffee milk, and I enjoy the mediocrity of Narragansett Beer (especially their coffee stout).

This also means that I, if for some fucked up, perverse reason wanted to, could marry my niece. It’s not just because of religious cults and Tay Sachs and making sure the bloodlines stay pure. It’s because Rhode Island made an exception for Jewish men to marry their nieces. And it’s still on the books today.

Only three states in the U.S. allow some form of niece/uncle marriage, and all of them have conditions. Minnesota and Colorado both allow it if it’s permitted by ‘aboriginal’ culture. I’m unsure if that means native, or ancient, or if it literally means the Aboriginal from Australia. Either way, that’s weird and oddly specific. I didn’t realize Minnesota and Colorado were flush in Aboriginals and Aboriginal uncle/niece troupes looking to tie the knot. Rhode island, on the other hand, allows Jews and only Jews to marry their creepy old uncles.

Marriages of kindred allowed by Jewish religion. – The provisions of §§ 15-1-2 and 15-1-3 shall not extend to, or in any way affect, any marriage which shall be solemnized among the Jewish people, within the degrees of affinity or consanguinity allowed by their religion.

All it would take is one crazy Jewish religious sect to interpret Scriptures to how they see fit and…bam! Old weirdos with smichas (Rabbinic ordination) can be even weirder.

Rhode Island’s Jewish incest laws were codified in 1798. It’s believed that the law was established to show how inviting RI was to Jews living outside of RI. This was in line with Roger William and Rhode Island’s overall views on religious diversity and freedom. The presence of Touro Synagogue in 1763, and the prestige of Jews involved in the early American slave trade certainly had some influence in colonial Rhode Island. So instead of guaranteeing regular religious freedoms, why not tack on some incestuous freedoms, maybe even one from Leviticus? Atleast in the 1700s and 1800s it was a bit less creepy to marry Uncle Shmuley.

You’d think this little-known law wouldn’t be used in modern times, just a record to look at and laugh at and giggle about how weird life used to be. Maybe an occasional Rhode Islander would use it, but it’s not like it could apply to out-of-state Jews, right? Rhode Island has the incest thing down pat. It’s ours and ours only, like a snowflake that likes to have sex with his snowflake relative, right?

Unless you’re a New York Jew, then it’s entirely legal to jump on the incest marriage wagon. A wagon that should have stayed horse-drawn and residing in 1796. Realistically, yeah, I doubt many people are looking for this kind of marriage. Unless you’re in some extreme Jewish cult, it’s not really a concern. (Are you in a Jewish cult? I’d love to interview you…)

Why doesn’t the RI state legislature close this loophole?

You’re really fucking weird sometimes, Rhode Island. (But I love you anyway.)

Read a very interesting scholarly article about this legal loophole, here.

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!


Mila Kunis is preggers, which is sad, because everyone wanted to be the one to knock her up. Everything about her is awesome.

Really, though, I’m just realizing how you can never tell a Jewish woman that she has a ‘bun in the oven’. I know it’s just an idiom, but it’s definitely the type of slang that should never be used around Jewish women. In case you haven’t figured it out, Holocaust.

You can say she’s ‘preggers’, ‘knocked up’, ‘drinking for two’ (Is this okay to say if she’s Irish?), or ‘in the family way’ (Is this okay to say if she’s from the South? Or Hassidic?)

At the end of the day the ones with the preggo fetishes always win, so congrats you weirdos!

Living during the coldest northern winter in recent memory, I can appreciate the crazy assholes that live in Fargo. Or atleast, live in a fictionalized Fargo. Living in below-zero temperatures for too many days makes everyone go insane, with drunken alcohol or cold, empty, loneliness. That scene in Fargo where Steve Buscemi is burying money and he falls in the snow only wearing a wool coat? That must have sucked.

Once, in a snowstorm, I watched Fargo with my roommates and didn’t murder them all a la The Shining. That was a cool time.

Anyhow, the moral of this post is that the new Fargo TV series doesn’t look bad, and it seems like it’s got a similar feel, what with the murder and the hokey North Dakotans and the famous actors. I’d love if they made this into a mini series like True Detective, but we can’t always get everything perfect.

Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.

First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.

The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.

See, everything has its purpose.

The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”

Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.

So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?