Archives For Chicky

Math, you cruel uncaring mistress! You just couldn’t keep it a secret, could you? You just had to let everyone know that Hipsters do in fact look kind of the same, sound kind of the same, dress kind of the same, eat kind of same, and smell kind of the same (thanks Toms products). Yeah, you heard some news you already guessed if you’ve read this blog once, or stepped outside in a town not full of bros. Hipsters are all the same person. Friends with one hipster, you’re pretty much friends with them all.

“You need people who want to be different,” said Touboul in an interview with Reuters. “In the end, because they are too slow to detect the trend, they synchronize and they all do, and all these people that want to be different they all do the same thing at the same time.”

Touboul published his findings in a scientific paper titled “The hipster effect: when anticonformists all look the same.”

He said the mathematical model is interchangeable with other social groups.

Wait…what? The mathematical model works for any social group? Why not call it the Juggalo Paradox, or the Salmon Short Paradox, or even just the Lumberjack Paradox? It’s like someone knew that calling it the Hipster Paradox would get me to click on the link, then write a silly diatribe about it…

Just like all the other Hipsters have already done. DAMN IT YOU WIN AGAIN, MATH

// Usa Today

Bernie my man! So excited you finally decided to rustle some feathers. Living in Vermont, I get to see you all the time. Not in a creepy way, I swear. Just in a ‘you’re an old Jewish liberal dude who wanders around Burlington’, and I’m an old-at-heart Jewish liberal dude who wanders around Burlington. So pumped people will be making stale maple syrup jokes on CNN and Fox News. Can’t wait to see your reddening face yelling about how important the middle class is. Do you have a son? Would you like to be my second dad (don’t worry, my first liberal dad won’t be insulted by that)?

Okay, would you atleast then like to play a Rabbi in a small independent movie? Where all he does is drone about the Brooklyn Dodgers, possibly sounding the most Jewish he’s even sounded before? Yes? All I need is a time machine or the internet? Perfect. I’ll choose the internet.

// Buzzfeed

// ht to Sweet Dave

Look, I’m not a good Jew. I mean, I’m probably in the top 20%, because I haven’t committed fraud or covered up any sexual assault. But I don’t go to shul or the time or really think about doing anything Jewish, unless making self-deprecating Jew-jokes about yourself counts. Also, I teach kids, so I mean that automatically makes me a good person, if not a good Jewish person.

My point being, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go on a lavish retreat for a week during Passover. I’m pretty sure when you spend 1/3 of my annual salary so you can bro out in a warm climate, use a jetpack or go to a trampoline park. This is definitely not in the spirit of Passover – not pooping regularly and being wine drunk like it’s your job (if you work at a Hillel this is probably written into the job description).

Starting Friday, Lerer, who’s an Orthodox Jew, will join 1,000 other movers and shakers at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, Calif. — situated on 172 acres, with a private beach, luxury spa and championship golf course — for the weeklong holiday celebrating the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery.

Look, I know how terrible Passover can be. I’ve done it. Many a year. The Matzah gets tiring. The lack of delicious, delicious beer slowly destroy your soul…unless you’re not an alcoholic, in which case…do you celebrate Passover successfully? I’d love to hear how, because I don’t believe you. What happened to good old fashioned Passover week-long orgy in the woods with some fun psychedelics? What I’m trying to say is, can’t you just move Passover to whenever Burning Man is and bro out there?

Or as expensive — prices start at $11,000 per person for an ocean-view room with butler service for the eight-day festival. That doesn’t include starry add-on amenities such as a recording session with Ariana Grande ($3,800 per person) and a meet-and-greet with Kylie and Kendall Jenner ($2,200) — both available last year.

Ugh. I change my mind. You deserve to waste your money like this. And here I thought I couldn’t hate anything having to do with Passover any more than I already do.

“It’s the best of the Catskills, but elegantly on steroids,” says the 61-year-old from the Upper West Side, who enjoyed a morning shvitz in the spa. “It was beautiful.”

Your parents and grandparents are rolling in their graves. The Catskills was about refined, demure tastes. Where’s Occupy Judaism when you need them? Read the link below if you don’t mind your blood boiling while you eat over-priced Matzah in your over-priced apartment while you try to forget how many of your student loans could be paid off with one ticket to Passover Paradise.

Last year we were slaves, next year may we be free (to throw away money, without an angry mob rightfully taking our heads).


The Notorious RBG is at it again. Homegirl won’t quit. She loves freedom and social justice and Judaism and making sure that ladies’ views are well represented.

You thought Passover was about first born sons, and Moses, and Pharoah, and God who you probably identify in your mind as a man? Not like an old guy with a beard or anything, but like a young guy with muscles and stuff? Well you’re wrong. It’s about ladies.

The Book of Exodus, much like the Book of Genesis, opens in pervasive darkness. Genesis describes the earth
as “unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep.” In Exodus, darkness attends the accession
of a new Pharaoh who feared the Israelites and so enslaved them. God alone lights the way out of the
darkness in Genesis. But in Exodus, God has many partners, first among them, five brave women.

So give your mom a hug, you jerk. If I had to guess, she probably made all the food for the Seders and you didn’t even say thanks. I know I didn’t. Because my dad didn’t raise me right. MY MOM IS PERFECT AND SO IS THE NOTORIOUS RBG.

//Washington Post

Well that happened. Anyone from L.A. want to corroborate this story? Are L.A. Kosher Delis this sexual? This hairy? This Jewish? This 1980s?

If so, I’d like one ticket to L.A., please.


When the party’s breakin’ up and the clubs are closin’ down and the City of Angels sleeps There’s only one place in town me and the boys will be found, got a jones for some savory meats

Canter’s rocks the noshes down in Hollywood, but I love my Jerry’s valley dolls And my baby gets a thrill for a Langer’s kosher dill, and she’ll cream for Greenblatt’s matzo balls

LA! Deli! Where the after party’s ragin’ in my L.A. town LA! Deli! The pastrami’s pillin’ high while you’re comin’ down LA! Deli! Eatin’ corned beef and eggs ’til the break of dawn LA! Deli! You don’t have to be a jew to get your rock ‘n’ roll kibitz on

Kosher porn! It’s not what you think it is. It’s the only Rabbi-approved Jewish-themed SFW pornography on the internet.* And now, you can buy it in book form. Coffee book form. You get all your Jewish-related memes in one easy book, one you can hide when your parents come visit because THEY wont understand how hilarious this is. Okay, actually, this book is probably 130% Jewish Mom approved.


It’s the perfect type of kitsch to give as a gift. Literally, it doesn’t matter what the occasion. Valentine’s Day? Gift it. Passover Seder? Gift it. Graduation? Gift it. Dating a Jew? Gift it. Don’t know anyone who is Jewish and aren’t Jewish yourself? I don’t know why you are reading this blog, but fuck it, gift it twice!


Now, after affirming my love for Kosher Porn, I hope that when they make Kosher Porn II, The Musical, they’ll ask me and the Duckman and everyone else at Hipster Jew if we will submit some of our sexy sexy gross cheesy Jewish pick up lines w/ uncomfortably attractive and awkward pictures.


I give this book 4.5 out of 5 Big Lebowskis, because I’m jaded and only like super gross jokes but I know that this book is the perfect amount of entertaining. This Dude Abides, Man.dude-fourhalf-star


*This statement has been approved by nobody, not even a Rabbi Nobody.

What a waste of money. This is like taking a small child to Disney World. Will they remember it? Only vaguely, but you have to continue to clothe them and feed them and go on all the boring rides they want to go on. It’s the worst way to spend money. Those kids will just turn around, act ungrateful, and then expect you to pay for all their college tuition and give them your used car – but not the shitty clunker, nooooooo. And this Bat Mitzvah girl just stands there – doesn’t sing, doesn’t dance, doesn’t even try to kiss Nick.

Why would you spend $100,000 on a Bat Mitzvah and bring the shittier of the Jonases? Or is he the best? Who knows, they’re all so terrible. It’s not like she’ll remember it in 15 years, the ravages of hard college sorority alcoholism and too much weed destroying what few religious memories she has. I barely remember my Bar Mitzvah – all the endoprhins and the having to actually earn it by learning Torah (which I totally fucked up on, but it’s the work not the outcome, right?).

I do remember my Bar Mitzvah was themed – Red Sox. How original for a New England kid. And this girl, Jillian Glasgow, made her Bat Mitzvah themed ‘Paris’.

Not French themed, not Parisian, ‘Paris’. ‘Paris’ themed. And her parents threw away $100,000 for such a shitty concept.

It’s videos like these that make me become a real socialist. These people should be taxed a bit more.



Chelsea Handler, comedienne, Jewwess, lady who loves trying to show her breasts on Instagram as a means of empowering the female body, has gotten her boobs to stay up on Instagram.


All it took was some body paint, a trip to Israel, and a camel. Yeah. You wish you were this empowered on your birthright trip. I know I wish I was…

“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.”

Way to go Chelsea. Using breasts to make a message. About peace or something.


Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.


Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

It’s a McSweeney’s Internet Hanukkah!

Ever wonder what the best and worst Hanukkah films are?

Hint: Not the Hebrew Hammer