Archives For Chicky

Noad Lahat, Israeli-American UFC fighter, won a bout yesterday and is returning to Israel to rejoin the IDF. Hey, even the great Red Sox Ted Williams went overseas during WWII. Sounds like my perfect weekend.

//Failed Messiah

What’s going on today in the life of Hipsters? Oh, just the usual. Someone making another listicle about hipsters.

What’s this listicle about? It’s about how your kid is turning into a hipster! LOL! Kids wearing sunglasses and watching obscure 90s cartoons.
Maybe your kid acts like a Hipster because you’ve made them into your own hipster-devil spawn? Maybe they watch VHS of Inspector Gadget because you’re a nostalgic monster who won’t let them enjoy Yo Gabba Gabba or Adventure Time?

Kids aren’t Hipsters. You’re a Hipster. Let your kid live and love whatever stupid Disney prince or princess they want.

Just remember, kids hate what their parents love when the kids are all grown up. So do them a favor and ironically love everything they love. I promise, it’ll pay off in the end.

Ben Stein just wanted to sext with a lady. In a classy way.

ben_stein_sext

Don’t worry though, ol’ Ben has a very reasonable argument.

“I didn’t expect anything from her. Hugging and kissing doesn’t mean I wanted to f–k her. I said that explicitly in my text,” Stein said. “When is it wrong to hug people?”

When is it wrong to hug people, huh? Never. It’s never wrong to hug people. See? Ben Stein is a good guy.

//gawker

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Rick Perry, like many of the Texas governors and presidents before him, loves his Jewish people. He loves them! And by that, I mean he loves the super conservative but wealthy neoconservatives. And by that, I mean he loves their money.

But before diving in, Perry took a moment to appreciate his surroundings. “I’m more Jewish than you think I am,” he told me. “I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” He boasted that he has been going to Israel since 1992.

Some people don’t know but there is a Jewish hierarchy in the world. It works like this:

Hassidic Jews who live in Israel > Regular Jews who live in Israel > Religious Jews outside of Israel > non-religious Jews who have been to Israel > Goys who have been to Israel since 1992 > Jews who go on Birthright > Jews who vote Democrat > Hipster Jews > Jews who intermarry > Being 1/2 Jewish > Being 1/4 Jewish > Being Dead (maybe?)

//NYTimes

Kosher Enemas! Yum!

Chicky —  06/05/2014 —  Comments

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Kosher used to mean something. It used to mean that a Rabbi came over, looked at some food, and was like ‘yeah seems cool’. Then, it meant that a super religious Rabbi had to look at food and check it over like the world’s most OCD person ever. Being beyond strict used to be what mattered most when some sort of food item was deemed Kosher. But now?

Now anything can be deemed Kosher. It’s like the word has lost all meaning, except for ‘person who cares WAAAAYYY too much about being a better Jew than their neighbor.’ Toilet paper can be Kosher. Plastics can be Kosher. Non-edible lube can be Kosher. And even butt things can be Kosher.

Yeah that’s right, Kosher enemas! When you need solvent put in your tuchus, and it needs to be Kosher (would a Rabbi have to make some sort of ‘No Homo Brucha’ while using this product? Is there such a blessing? I mean, you’re supposed to thank God every time you poop…does this include accidentally pooping your pants..nevermind.)

Turns out you can charge some money and slap a Kosher symbol on anything, because people are gullible. And they* said Rabbis wouldn’t be hip with capitalism!
*No one.

//Failed Messiah

Seth Rogen is always doing nice things. Sometimes he promotes Alzheimer research. Sometimes he acts in movies. Sometimes he gets high with Snoop Dogg and discusses Game of Thrones. Is this not every person’s dream? If it’s not your dream, I probably don’t want to be friends with you.

Can some Jewish organization that does lots of boring things give out a National Jewish Treasure Award? And can Seth Rogen win for 5 years straight?

Well everyone’s favorite Jewish summer camp is coming back! After years of rumors about a sequel or prequel movie, after learning that everyone is willing to shoot the movie for next to little money (so many famous actors and actresses!), except for Bradley Cooper who’s probably a dick in real life, it seems Netflix may actually make a 9-episode prequel series!

Let me just say, I am a little nervous. After seeing the ‘meh’ that was Arrested Development on Netflix, I’m worried that director David Wain (of the State) may make a slower, less-ridiculous version of his original masterpiece.

But who knows! Maybe after 14 years of directing other projects, all David wants to do is get back to his roots, his summer camp roots, and rehash a bunch of adolescent teens masturbating and having Kosher sex.

KEEP YOUR PROMISES, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!

I’m from Rhode Island. This means many different things. I like Dell’s Lemonade, coffee milk, and I enjoy the mediocrity of Narragansett Beer (especially their coffee stout).

This also means that I, if for some fucked up, perverse reason wanted to, could marry my niece. It’s not just because of religious cults and Tay Sachs and making sure the bloodlines stay pure. It’s because Rhode Island made an exception for Jewish men to marry their nieces. And it’s still on the books today.

Only three states in the U.S. allow some form of niece/uncle marriage, and all of them have conditions. Minnesota and Colorado both allow it if it’s permitted by ‘aboriginal’ culture. I’m unsure if that means native, or ancient, or if it literally means the Aboriginal from Australia. Either way, that’s weird and oddly specific. I didn’t realize Minnesota and Colorado were flush in Aboriginals and Aboriginal uncle/niece troupes looking to tie the knot. Rhode island, on the other hand, allows Jews and only Jews to marry their creepy old uncles.

Marriages of kindred allowed by Jewish religion. – The provisions of §§ 15-1-2 and 15-1-3 shall not extend to, or in any way affect, any marriage which shall be solemnized among the Jewish people, within the degrees of affinity or consanguinity allowed by their religion.

All it would take is one crazy Jewish religious sect to interpret Scriptures to how they see fit and…bam! Old weirdos with smichas (Rabbinic ordination) can be even weirder.

Rhode Island’s Jewish incest laws were codified in 1798. It’s believed that the law was established to show how inviting RI was to Jews living outside of RI. This was in line with Roger William and Rhode Island’s overall views on religious diversity and freedom. The presence of Touro Synagogue in 1763, and the prestige of Jews involved in the early American slave trade certainly had some influence in colonial Rhode Island. So instead of guaranteeing regular religious freedoms, why not tack on some incestuous freedoms, maybe even one from Leviticus? Atleast in the 1700s and 1800s it was a bit less creepy to marry Uncle Shmuley.

You’d think this little-known law wouldn’t be used in modern times, just a record to look at and laugh at and giggle about how weird life used to be. Maybe an occasional Rhode Islander would use it, but it’s not like it could apply to out-of-state Jews, right? Rhode Island has the incest thing down pat. It’s ours and ours only, like a snowflake that likes to have sex with his snowflake relative, right?

Unless you’re a New York Jew, then it’s entirely legal to jump on the incest marriage wagon. A wagon that should have stayed horse-drawn and residing in 1796. Realistically, yeah, I doubt many people are looking for this kind of marriage. Unless you’re in some extreme Jewish cult, it’s not really a concern. (Are you in a Jewish cult? I’d love to interview you…)

Why doesn’t the RI state legislature close this loophole?

You’re really fucking weird sometimes, Rhode Island. (But I love you anyway.)

Read a very interesting scholarly article about this legal loophole, here.

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!