Baseball season is finally here. Or regrettably here. Or indifferently here. It really depends on how you feel about the thing.
I’m not trying to force anybody into excitement on this blog, its not like we’re in communist Russia…although baseball does have The Reds…
But regardless if you like baseball, you’re going to have to know something about it. Chances are you are friends with a baseball fan and you might as well understand what they’re talking about. Besides, becoming a baseball fan will help you bond with your father who, if you’re reading this blog, has probably disowned you.
The first step in being a baseball fan is not to understand the subtle beauty of a 5-4-3 double play, or even to understand what that is; its picking a favorite team.The easiest way to do this is to find out what team is closest to you and cheer for it. This is called “rooting for the home team” and it’s so important in baseball that they wrote a song about it.
This is also a stupid idea. Its not a very informed or democratic decision. Like I said earlier, this is not communist Russia.
The next most common way to pick a team is to go with whoever you liked as a kid. All kids like baseball because it’s a great way to fill up a summer when you have absolutely nothing to do, so everyone probably had a favorite team as a kid.
This isn’t a terrible idea, because you’ll have the nostalgia factor, but it’ll also make you a bitter old asshole because things aren’t the way they were when you were a kid. Which for you is probably about 10 years ago and I guess you’re upset that they got rid of steroids and no one hits 60 homers anymore.
Really the best way is to make an informed decision about a team and choose it regardless of the location. It’s the internet age, come on son.
To make things quick, I’ve made a short guide to each team, specifically tailored to the HJ audience:
Arizona Diamondbacks: I’ve got nothing. Boring team with ugly uniforms and jerseys that say D’Backs on them, which is awfully close to D-Bag. In short, don’t be a D-Back fan.
Atlanta Braves: Solid on-field team marred by the fact that they’re in Atlanta. Really no reason to be a Braves fan unless you love Coca-Cola.
Baltimore Orioles: A solid underdog choice, with a rich history of profanity laced tirades by their managers. Comes down to how much you like the color orange.
Boston Red Sox: They have a great Jewish player in Kevin Youkilis and an OK one in Ryan Kalish. However, remember that Jimmy Fallon/Rachel Dratch SNL skit with the Boston teens? That’s basically this entire fan base.
Chicago Cubs: Obama!
Chicago White Sox: Actually this is the team Obama likes. Fuck the Cubs.
Cincinnati Reds: This team is actually good, I know nothing bad about them either. This isn’t very interesting, so not a good choice.
Cleveland Indians: The Indians are terrible again which means that they mirror “Major League” very closely. Charlie Sheen. Baseball. Wild Thing. Winning.
Colorado Rockies: The only reason I can see someone picking this team is if they love South Park with an intense passion.
Detroit Tigers: You hate the big three bailouts, you love artsy pictures of abandoned Detroit, so why not get into a love hate relationship with the downtrodden city’s MLB team?
Florida Marlins: This team exists solely for former Red Sox and Yankee fans who have retired and move to Florida to die.
Houston Astros: They have retro uniforms that are ironically cool. That’s about it.
Kansas City Royals: They have Kila Ka’aihue, a Hawaiin whose nickname is Ghostface Killa. That is the only interesting thing about the Kansas City Royals.
LA Angels: This team actually plays in Anaheim, not Los Angeles. Therefore they are posuers and not to be trusted. It’d be like wearing glasses without prescription lenses in them.
LA Dodgers: They actually play in LA and the greatest Jewish athlete of all time, Sandy Koufax, played for them when they were in Brooklyn.
Milwaukee Brewers: They have Ryan Braun aka The Hebrew Hammer. Also beer. Sneaky fact, you can say you were actually a Seattle Pilots fan first before they moved to Milwaukee. Few people know that.
Minnisota Twins: Twins fans have told me there are lots of wonderful things about Minnisota and the Twins. I don’t remember any of them though. They do have Jim Thome, who I really like, but your mileage may vary.
NY Mets: This is the choice if you want to be a fan of a NY team but don’t want to cheer for the evil Yankees.
NY Yankees: This is the choice if you want to be a fan of a NY team but like to watch a team win.
Oakland A’s: This team is broke, patched together and lives in a shithole. Sounds like a hipster to me. Also they have Craig Breslow, the smartest man in all of baseball. (also Jewish)
Philadelphia Phillies: The Duckman has a boner for the Phillies, so there you go. You want to be like the Duckman don’t you?
Pittsburgh Pirates: Only an option for those who also enjoy S&M.
San Diego Padres: No one cares about this team, so you can pick them if you don’t want anyone to harass you about your choice of baseball hat.
San Francisco Giants: They just won the World Series, way too popular now for any self respecting hipster.
Seattle Mariners: The Duckman used to have a boner for this team, but it;s only at half mast now. Do you guys want his sloppy seconds?
St. Louis Cardinals: They have the best player in baseball and their manager is a self aggrandizing drunk. This could be a turn on or a turn off depending on what type of person you are. I know plenty of chicks who love their men drunk and egotistical. So this should be a good one for the ladies.
Tampa Bay Rays: Repeat what I said for the A’s and the Marlins.
Texas Rangers: George W. Bush used to own this team and probably still goes to a lot of games. You could try to run into him and finally find out if he’s a great guy to have a beer with like everyone was saying for 8 years.
Toronto Blue Jays: You know how people get mad at US politics and say “fuck it I’m moving to Canada”? Well, here’s your team.
Washington Nationals: This is the newest MLB team and they’re terrible. You can get in on the ground floor before they blow up and shame other fans by saying you were a fan before anyone knew about them.