Halloween (and the weekend preceding it) is the worst time of the year. Period. The worst. The shittiest. Fuck Halloween and all those over-10-year-old who enjoy it.
Halloween weekend has constantly been when some of the shittiest, most frustrating things in my life have happened. All stemming from the “party” attitude we have now adopted towards Halloween.
Halloween time for me is CURSED.
My first terrible thing that happened to me was when a friend died, the night after Halloween, SIX years ago. Trick or treating turned into snorting horse tranquilizer until your heart stops! WOOOOO! HALLOWEEN BABY!
You know, I get drugs – they are fun – but how can someone reach the point where they go “Horse Tranquilizer!? Fuck it! Sounds good! BRING IT ON!”
But the misery doesn’t end there!
FOUR years ago I went to visit a girl I was seeing (sort of) for Halloween, I dressed up as a cat (because she loved cats…no it wasn’t a deep costume idea). I thought it would be a lot of fun! NEW YORK CITY BABY! HALLOWEEN! Well, I showed up and she was half dressed and completely sloshed. She could barely stand, in fact, two of her other friends (drunk off their asses) dragged her out of their apartment (they had NO idea who I was) without even telling me where they were going (as my girl half yelled/apologized towards me). I, now still dressed as a cat, wandered around Manhattan aimlessly for about 90 minutes purchasing a flask and a small bottle of Jack Daniels.
It being too cold to hang outside, I found myself in a movie theater. The ONLY movie playing in that hour was “Body Of Lies” “Body Of Lies” the TERRIBLE Russell Crowe movie…god I hate Russell Crowe. I sat in the theater over 40 minutes before the movie started hating myself, I couldn’t get ahold of my friends, they were too drunk and thought I’d be staying over this girl’s house
I guess the stench of my…misery…was up on, in my cat outfit and flask, because older couples in the theater started offering me candy, and one even bought me a medium popcorn. By the time the movie started I was drunk and filled with pity junk food.
The film ended around midnight, with no friends answering their phones, I wandered around until I saw a group of young, drunk bros sleeping against the walls of Radio City Music hall…I figured…if they can do it, so can I. Around 4 am, my buddy came and scooped me up, remarking as he picked me up in his pajama pants, how cold it was outside.
THREE years ago, I was in Philadelphia celebrating Halloween. There was this super hot dancer chick that I was flirting with, I was dressed as a Domestic Violence Victim (fake bruises on my face, wearing a kitchen apron), she was dressed as a fairy and I was really excited to try and put it in her…make her Mr. Domestic Violence Victim. Well, just like the other stories, I show up at her apartment and she is HAMMERED, and covered in Chocolate Syrup (she tried to make herself a sundae and spilled it all over herself
So, imagine my moral dilemma here for a second…I walk into her apartment…she is wearing basically a bra and skirt with wings, and covered in chocolate syrup…mmmm not a bad way to start the night. I’m a fat guy so she clearly looked even hotter with the chocolate syrup all over her chest. I had been working hard trying to hook with this girl, so I wasn’t going to let her drunkenness deter me. So, I do a couple shots, thinking “I’ll catch up!” I start talking to her and you can guess what happens next…that ice cream sundae she made and ate wound up all over me. She is so embarrassed she begins to cry. She’s got ice cream vomit all over herself and myself, and she runs to the bathroom, slipping on the way and bumping her head against her closet mirror.
I sit down outside the locked bathroom door, strip down to my underwear (to avoid vomit) and try to calm her down, but she won’t have any of it. After about 20 minutes, through whimpers I hear her softly whisper to me “will you bathe me?” 20 year old me opens the door to find this beautiful, vomit covered girl topless and in the shower. ..pretty hot…except she’s so drunk she can’t stand in the tub to wash herself. So, I hop into the shower, she still crying and I scrub the puke off this poor girl (mind you I’m in my underwear).
For you men reading this, yes the whole time I was thinking to myself, I could just fuck her, she’s right there, it could happen, right now…but something about the fact that she was bawling nonstop (also apologizing profusely), and the fact she was unable to stand kept me from pulling the trigger (call me a pussy, call me a quitter, but no…I don’t regret it. I did the right thing).Finally, after toweling her naked body off, I put her in bed, gathered my shit, and walked home as an even sadder Domestic Violence Victim, covered in vomit and blue balled.
ADDENDUM: About 6 months later, I finally hooked up with the girl, and the sex was…mediocre.
THIS year, I thought I had conquered the Halloween curse. I set myself up on a date with a nice Jewish girl I met at a nice Jewish event. I figured we would do something completely unhalloween, go to some place that will be empty. It’s perfect! Fuck the Halloween curse! I’ve beaten the curse…well…I go to pick her up, I’m dressed nicely and not in costume, and she is outside her apartment…dressed as PSY (the guy who sings the Gangham style song). She drunkenly hops into my car (this is again, basically a first date hang out) and slurs to me about her friends’ party in Rodgers Park. The entire ride up there she goes on a tirade about some sort of Paris fashion show coming up. A couple times I actually thought to myself: what if I were to just veer off the street and plunge this car into Lake Michigan killing us both. When I took her liquor away (which she was drinking in the car), she called me “A Kike-adoodle-doo” and a “Fucking Indian Giver Mermaid”…when we got to the party I nicely dropped her on the corner and dashed home…
Maybe I do understand what drives people to snort Horse Tranquilizers.
Halloween is the worst. It makes usually sane people act fucking retarded, and for no reason. It takes our mothers and daughters and turns them into drunken, slutty zombies. It’s nights like Halloween where the Todd Akins and Richard Mourdocks of the world look around and go…yup…it’s these girls faults they get raped
IT’S TIME TO STOP THE MADNESS AND THE MISERY OF HALLOWEEN! At least for my sake…maybe it’s cause I’m a Jew that I can’t have a good halloween…but I’ll tell you this, next year, I’m staying inside for Halloween…because now I find myself doing absolutely the worst thing I could think of doing on Halloween…writing a crappy column for all you ass holes who read the drivel on HipsterJew.com
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!