9 3/4 Tips for a HJ Lass Abroad and Alone on the High Holidays

1.  Bury yourself in the ridiculously cheap alcohol that is errywhere.

2. Throw bread (tashlikh)in the Thames*. A homeless man living under the various bridges will surely be pleased with your offering!

3.  Attempt to utilize marmalade on your apples instead of honey. You’re in London (or other foreign country). Why not?  YOLO!

4.  Repent and graciously apologize to all the locals you have offended with your loud, obnoxious American ways.

5.  Fast. It won’t be that hard because you don’t have any money for food anyway. Except for liquor of course (see item 1).

6.  Find someone who looks Jewish and follow them to their synagogue for services. You could of course look up a temple on the interwebs, but where’s the fun/stalker tendencies in that?

7.  You might not be able to find a Shofar, so the best option is to go to your local private garden and scream as loud as possible. The posh locals will not be angry. They love artistic expression.

No Ball Playing? What is This? Nazi Germany?

8.  Teach your goyish res-mates all about the story of Yom Kippur: one of oil, Maccabees, and gelt. That might be Hanukkah. I’m only a silly halfling so I get confused sometimes.

9.  Sit under the covers of your sad little bed that moves around too much because the bed has wheels that wont lock and cry because you’re missing out on Bubbe’s brisket. Damnit.

*This can be interchanged with various other rivers in several nations.