HipsterJew top 10 albums of 2011

Its finally here! Our top 10 list of musical albums from 2011 that you either love-to-hate or hate-to-love!  And I’m only calling this list that because there is no logic, rhyme, or reason to it.  Also, since it was a shitty year for music in general, we only have 7 entries in our top 10, and some of them are just singles, not whole albums.  Oh, and its like a month late.  Whatever.

7. Nickelback 

So whats wrong with a song that preaches the positive upbeat message  ‘we all win when we stand together’ and has over 40 million ‘tube hits?  One word: Nickelback.  Everyone loves to hate Nickelback – remember that petition to keep them from playing during the halfitme of Detroit’s Thanksgiving day football game? I don’t recall a petition like that ever happening for any other band.  So just spare yourself the 3 minutes of agony and skip this video and go on to the next entry.  (Bonus points if, like me, you didn’t even know that Nickelback released an album this past year.)

6. Kreayshawn/Nicki Minaj:

Its a tie.  They’re both hip-hop’s answer to Lady Gaga.  And since the world is a worse place with just 1 answer to Lady Gaga, let alone with Gaga herself, I’m giving them both the # 6 spot.

5.  Lana Del Rey: 

Watch out Angelina Jolie, there’s a new princess of pout in town!  Also, via web traffic, she’s definitely helping to pay for Hipsterrunoff’s illegitimate kids’ college education.

4. Skrillex

The only thing more difficult than keeping yourself from vomiting while listening to Skrillex’s music is keeping yourself from vomiting while looking at his haircut.

3.  Chuck Mangione – Feels so Good

Yeah, this song came out in 1977, not 2011. I know.  And this song is definitely not a ‘love-to-hate’ or a ‘hate-to-love’ song.  No one could ever hate this song.  I don’t hate this song, you don’t hate this song, Al Qaeda neo-Nazi communists don’t even hate this song.  But this is the official Hipster Jew theme song, and any list just wouldn’t be complete without it.   Any time any of us hear this song, we immediately stand at attention and salute, while tears swell up and moisten our youthful eyes.   I told you there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to this 2011 list.  I need a tissue.

2. Lou Reed and Metallica

Well, as far as bad music goes, this stuff is pretty amazing.  See, y’all had Loutallica wrong – everyone took this project way too seriously. Which is fine, because that’s exactly what the band wanted. Lou and Metallica aren’t known for making silly music, they’re known for making big “fuck-you” statements with their music. And creating this album was definitely one of the best ways to make fresh new ‘fuck-you’ statements to reawaken their careers and web buzz.  Way too much rambling, bad poetry for a metal song? Fuck you.  Repetitive, simple, loud, heavy guitar riffs that distract from the poetry?  Fuck you again.  Lou claiming it’s the best music he’s made since the Velvet Underground days? Hey, fuck you buddy!  An entire album based on some weird, obscure German play that no one will ever read or watch, ever????  Fuck you all to kingdom fucking come!!!!!

But once you stop taking this album seriously and realize that Lou and Metallica are allowed to have fun and be silly and spank each other with freshly-picked daisies and petunias while covering their exposed bosoms with dainty teacups, the album becomes a lot easier to swallow (um, pun intended, or something). Musically, Metallica makes for a heavy, powerful, tight rhythm section. Add on top of that Lou’s weird, so-bad-you-can’t-turn-away poetry, and you get a really unique album.  I’m not saying its good.  I’m definitely not saying that. What I am saying is that, as far as ‘so-bad-its-good’ music goes, this is a very worthwhile listen.

Anyway, what I personally think about this album doesn’t matter.  What matters is that it caused so much hatred and music snobbery the second we were allowed to hear the first power chord or the first verse, that it makes number 2 on our list.  And with that reasoning, we present to you our number one pick – the artist that, in 2011, caused absolutely the most hatred and music snobbery ever in the history of youtube -

1. Rebecca Black

Why Rebecca is our number 1: Due to her single, ‘Friday,’ over 150 million Americans become harsh music critics and hated on a song that is, at best, only slightly different than any other pop song they might have ever listened to on the radio. I’m not kidding. Listen to any piece of shit song that Miley or Bieber farted out this past year, and tell me its really that much different than this RB song.  Of course, you can find subtle differences, but the differences between RB and Miley are miniscule compared to the differences between RB and any current indie acts, like tUnE-yArDs, Real Estate, Girls, or even Arcade Fire. Why? Somehow, someway, Friday awakened some dormant hatred in the cold, bored hearts of Middle America.  People pounced on an opportunity to make the crap they usually listen to seem better by comparison to ‘Friday.’ In short, Rebecca Black turned all of America into elitist hipster music snobs without anyone even realizing it – least of all herself! And she did this with ONE SONG!!

Honorable Mention:   Problem Solverz

Although not technically a band, the cartoon ‘Problem Solverz’ has been panned by critics and amateurs alike. (Created by art collective paperrad, who I believe do make some music in addition to videos, paintings, websites, etc.). I, obviously, love it. But then again, I also enjoy seizure-inducing visuals, blindingly bright colors and hideously ugly characters.

What we’re looking forward to in 2012:

• Miley Cyrus, extremely sad that Rebecca Black was number 1 on the HipserJew top 2011 list and she wasn’t, takes a bong hit from her jewel-encrusted bong to console herself.
• Skrillex announces that his pubic hairstyle perfectly matches his head hairstyle.
• Loutallica writes an all a-capella double-album containing nothing but children’s lullabies.  They claim it’s the new direction of Chill-wave.  Radiohead soon follows.
• Rebecca Black gets her very own FPS video game, called ‘Call of Duty: Rebecca Black Ops.’ You get to play as Rebecca, and have to travel around a virtual world shooting Miley Cyrus zombies that get in the way of your quest to make out with Justin Bieber.  But watch out for those pesky Jonas Brothers!
• Jeff Mangum and Brett Favre become best friends after bonding during a conversation about going out of retirement.  Friendship ends when Jeff calls Brett a ‘doody-head’ and refuses to apologize.
• A factory defect causes an Antares Autotune machine in suburban Idaho to acquire self-awareness.  Becomes a billionaire after successfully winning a copywright lawsuit that grants it full royalties on any song that contains autotune processing on the vocals.  Self-destructs after inexplicably getting knocked-up by Kevin Federline.
• We all learn that Ke$ha is actually a cyborg from the planet XYXZLGY-76.  We also learn that being a cyborg doesn’t stop you from getting certain earth venereal diseases. (yes, that’s plural.)
• Merriam-Webster dictionary officially accepts “basic-bitch” as a word.  It’s defined as “a person, usually a female, who wears Prada, Louis Vuiton, Gucci, and/or Fendi clothes or accessories.”
• Pitchfork starts rating websites, gives itself a 4.7, gives HipsterJew a generous 2.6 after much bribing and sexual favors.