Hipster Tree: Jay-Z Star at the top + G.I. Joe action figure from childhood nostalgia
Can we all take away our religious morality for a second? The guilt that acts as a defensive barrier against assimilation? Hanukkah kinda sucks. Xmas is kinda awesome. It is really that simple.
We live in America, a nation founded on the marketplace of ideas. Within this marketplace, there are two ‘major’ winter holidays: Xmas and Hanukkah. And I have to tell you, Xmas kicked Hanukkah’s ass. Since 1734. And it’s about time, we as Jews, admit and embrace it. Let us stop being jealous hags about Xmas.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a Jewish person rage on about how terrible it is to celebrate Xmas, I’d buy myself a Xmas tree. Not because I care about Jesus (which I don’t) or anything having to do with Christianity. But because Xmas is as American as Halloween. Sure, both holidays have some uncomfortable themes to them and some shady beginnings, but this is America! We water down all holidays so that they mean nothing!
So here’s why Xmas is better than Hanukkah:
1) Xmas is more fun than Hanukkah. It’s not a lie. My roommates get giddy as shit over everything Xmas related, including the smell of pine trees, Die Hard, and Xmas-themed episodes of No Reservations. All I have to show for myself are a string of blue lights and a single menorah. Maybe in Israel people who celebrate Xmas are ostracized or stoned by religious terrorists zealots. But here, they live like kings.
2) Hanukkah is steeped in a story about rebellion and really old traditions. Xmas is steeped in modernisms. Expensive gifts, media, electric lights (god forbid we used electric menorahs because those aren’t Kosher), a bullshit story about Jesus that nobody REALLY believes in. And let us not forget that you get a week off from work/school for Xmas. Unless you live in Israel, you’re working/getting hammered for Hanukkah. Not nearly as exciting.
3) How many classic Xmas movies have been made by Jewish-controlled Hollywood? Countless. How many Hanukkah movies have been made by Jewish-controlled Hollywood? 2. The worst was 8 Crazy Nights. The best was the Hebrew Hammer. Pitiful.
My dream is that one day Judd Apatow will make a movie about romance and the holiday season with Seth Rogen. It will be heartwarming and hilarious and will make Jews appreciate Hanukkah just a little more. And I’ll be less ashamed
Until then, I’ll keep wishing upon a Jewish star that one day, maybe, Hanukkah will be cool. I, too, will be jonesing for a white Christmas this year.
