When Matisyahu cut off his beard I was like ‘big whoop, wanna fight about it?’ I wasn’t convinced it meant anything, nor did I really care. But if the Daily Beast has taught me anything, it is that they will let anyone marginally famous write for them. So they let Matisyahu give a list of the 10 things to Help a Jew Get Through Xmas Season. And guess what? God, and being more religious, is barely mentioned on there! He’s no longer preaching bullshit towards us! A Hanukkah miracle indeed. Take a look below:
10. Watch Die Hard. In a world of saccharine holiday movies, there is Die Hard and there is everything else. Enjoy Bruce Willis as John McClane, a New York City cop trapped in the Nakatomi building on Christmas Eve; battling terrorists, crawling through glass. Yippee ki-yay, mother—-er! I feel better already.
9. Go skiing. Wondering where your fellow countrymen are this holiday season? Get a lift pass! While the Christian world is homebound and egg-nogged, you and yours can find the fresh powder.
8. Be thankful you’re a muggle. Having a hard time navigating the mall? Be happy you’re not at Diagon Alley or stuck at Hogwarts for Christmas. That’s right, if you’re a wizard, you’d better not be a Jew. There is no menorah in the Gryffindor common room or any mention of Chanukah in any Harry Potter book. Daniel Radcliffe may be Jewish, but in J. K. Rowling’s wizarding world, Jews aren’t even squibs.
7. NBA! The lockout is finally over. Kick back and watch the start of the NBA season on Christmas Day.
6. Step your game up! Iron the crease off the yarmulke from Uncle Kenny’s wedding and go to synagogue for once.
