It’s going to be Thanksgiving soon, and you’ll probably be stuck in a meaningless conversation with the father of your aunt’s cousin. So you’ll need some funny quotes to keep it from turning so boring you freak out and start screaming that the turkey your all eating is actually the family dog just to be allowed to leave dinner early. We’ve all been a million times. Anyhow, here’s some witticisms I’ve invented. Feel free to credit them to me. You can say I’m a “notorious writer” when they ask.
- When you stuff a turkey with a de-boned duck that’s been stuffed with a de-boned chicken, that’s a turducken. Generally, things that have been triple stuffed aren’t allowed at the dinner table. That why Aunt Margery [or something else, if her name's not Margery] has to eat in the other room.
- Tryptophan? More like Makesyousleepytophan. Amiright? [if no one laughs, go dead serious and demand to know if you are right.]
- Ben Franklin felt the turkey should have been our national bird. I kind of agree with him. It sure tastes a lot better than bald eagle.
- I don’t like to call people fascist, but the fucking grammar Nazis always get on my case when I say someone’s being “democracy,” so I guess I have to.
- Black Friday’s tomorrow. I’m gonna wake up early and stand in line outside my local porn shop and see if they won’t give me a discount.
- If a man could hop as high as a kangaroo, he’d win the long jump. And you know what they say about a guy with big feet…
- Groucho Marx once said “I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member,” but I think that’s dumb. Why not just join the club, then start a motion to raise their standards for membership? Then everyone wins.
- A penny saved is a penny earned–but, really, who wants a penny?
