From the first day of Rosh Hashana until Yom Kippur, you’re suppose to be repenting and asking everyone for forgiveness. I don’t have time for this silly shit. So I’m thinking we should adopt the Christian lent-style of self punishment. Every day you should give up something new. Here is my list to get you started.
Rosh Hashana – Day 1: No hardcore porn. It’s time to give up the dirty skanky deep south hardcore porn. Just for 10 days. I’ll still watch softcore porn and a little girl-on-girl action, but nothing more. A man still has to watch porn. I can only take so much punishment.
Rosh Hashana – Day 2: Skip a meal. Keep you’re thin / anorexic body hot. And get a little fasting practice in before the big one.
Day 3: Tip barista a little more than the usual nothing. She’s cute. Maybe if you actually tip her, she might not burn your coffee.
Day 4: Stop watching football. Okay, so I don’t even watch football much anyways. Just with all these rules, I need one I don’t have to worry about.
Day 5: Give up grain alcohol. Remember, it’s just 6 days of not drinking grain alcohol. You can drink that crap later if you want. I guess. Loser.
Day 6: Give up working. Hey, this giving up crap is tough. No wonder why Christians only give up one thing. So why not give up work for a few days. I’m not suggesting to take off and stay at home. I’m just saying; go to work and play minesweeper.
Day 7: Don’t shave. It’s a good reminder when you’re at Yom Kippur services that you shouldn’t be hitting on people.
Day 8: Don’t do laundry Eh. Your closet should be full of unworn clothes from last season. This should be a helpful reminder of how you need to dump your wardrobe and give it over to Goodwill or Buffalo Exchange.
Day 9: Stop blogging
Does anyone really care about you’re dumb rants? Hell, just quit twitter and facebook too. No one likes you.
Yom Kippur Day 10: Stop Masturbating you creep.
