I know it’s not even Rosh Hashanah yet, but I came across an article in the Jewish Week today about how Jews are being held hostage to Egypt. First for all the shitty-grade Hashish they smuggle into Israel. Now for the god damned palm leaves that are not making their way to Jews worldwide in time for the holiday of Succot.
What the fuck is a palm leave? It’s one of the plants in this…um…Jewish…bouquet. Called a Lulav.
You may have seen some Hassid looking Chabad Jews trying to get you to shake one of these on campus. They were in a small traveling hut…they constantly asked people if they were Jewish…they may have guilted you into shaking the Lulav and then before you knew it you were drunk off schnops on a Friday night, wondering how you ended up in a room full of men singing Hebrew and holding eachother.
My point is that the Lulav is a scam. Every Jewish male is expected to buy one of these things for like 60 bucks. (Women, of course, who should not be earning a living wage, are except from this rule.) You use it for a week, max. Then you either chuck it or eat it or use it for compost or something. And do you know who sells Lulavs? Not your everyday Jewish salesman, Marvin Herstein. Nope. Homeboy is too busy making money off of people besides Jews. I assume only a monopoly of Jews control the business, few of whom actually grow the product themselves. Jews exorbitantly over-charging other Jews. And now, because of smaller supply and higher demand, expect it be worse.
Like this man, who treats his Lulav like a kilo of fine Columbian Crystal. DO NOT SNORT.
But at the end of the day, atleast Lulav comes with a really awesome prayer.
You shake your Lulav in. You shake your Lulav out. You shake your Lulav in, then you shake it all about. You do the hokey-pokey and you pray that God wont smite….that’s what it’s all about!
Jew
09/21/2011
Have you ever held a Lulav and Etrog? There’s a spiritual experience for ya. But, you’ll never know.
First and last time I read your nonsense.
Don’t even call yourself a Jew, you should be ashamed.
Chicky
09/21/2011
Thanks for deciding not only my religion, but how I interact with my religion. Your line of thinking would also hold true that you should be ashamed in front of all Christians for not believing in Jesus as the Lord and Savior.
I’m gonna miss your religious judgements!
Religious Judgement > Hipster Judgement
Ruchel Puchel or Rayray or Lessor
09/21/2011
I’m surprised Jew didn’t understand the tone of this article. Not only that, but it’s an opinion piece. To Chicky, the lulav isn’t a necessary part of his religious and cultural experience. To you, it is.
Different strokes for different folks.
The Duckman
09/21/2011
Someone on the internet talking out their ass??? NEVER