If I have ever heard of a fairy tale princess who is a Jewish Princess, it is definitely the Princess in the Pea. That bitch felt a pea under 27 mattresses and couldn’t sleep because of it. She’s worse than all the women in the Jewish side of my family combined. As a result of this, as well as an extreme sense of boredom, I have decided to write a bedtime story for you all. Its pretty much just like the princess in the pea, but with some extra jewiness thrown in. Be sure to have someone read it to you right before your beddy-bye time.
*Clears throat*
Once upon a time, there was a nice jewish prince who wanted to marry a good jewish princess so he could have beautiful jewish babies and make his over-bearing mother happy.
So, he scoured the land looking for his perfect bride: A girl with curly hair and an ability to make delicious kugel. First, he tried high school, but the Jewish girls there didn’t like boys who knew all the words to Rent. Then, he tried his Hillel at college, but the girls there were a little too over-zealous. Finally, he looked on J-Date, but felt that the he couldn’t establish a real connection with someone over the interwebs. Defeated, he came back home to his momma’s house and accepted his fate: he would have to marry a shiksa or be alone forever.
One day, the prince’s mother decided to have a welcome home party for her son. All the Jewish mothers from around the town were in attendance and they all brought their daughters who were primed and ready for a nice Jewish boy. However, the prince was unimpressed by the girls. They didn’t seem like real Jewish princesses.
As all good Jewish mothers do, the prince’s mother had hired a caterer for this gala affair. One of the servers was the fairest of them all. She had curly hair and looked like she had stepped right off the page of Shteltl Bunnies on HEEB Magazine. The Jewish prince was instantly impressed. But his mother refused to believe that a Jewish princess could be a catereress. So she decided to test the Jewish cateress.
When all of the other guests and caterers left, the prince’s nice Jewish mother launched her attack on the Jewish cateress/princess. She took the smallest pea she could find from the cateress’ own serving pans and hid it under a the couch. She then insisted the young girl sit.
“So, are you comfortable? Do you like this couch? I bought it on sale from Macy’s.”
The Jewish cateress looked at the prince and then back at the prince’s mother. She seemed uncomfortable.
She then launched into the longest thread of complaints the prince and his mother had ever heard.
“I don’t mean to kibbitz or kvetch but you were certainly given a bad deal! This couch is killing my tuches”
“I’m no maven but was the man who sold this idiot couch to you a klotz?”
“I see your son is a mensch but you are CLEARLY meshugeneh!”
The prince and his mother knew that only a Jewish princess would be that bothered by a little pea and then be rude enough to complain. The mother was satisfied and the prince was in love.
And they lived happily ever after and had many nice Jewish babies.
