Dear HJ,
My girlfriend no longer finds herself attracted to me and spends all day reading your blog. How can I fix this?
-Unloved Longboarder
Dear UL,
You need to understand that you are competing for attention with the sexiest men and women alive. (Who could possibly resist The Duckman or Chicky?) But the love maven’s here at HJ will get your longboard gliding over the smooth pavement of her body again.
Start by grooming yourself: manscape, wash your favorite pair of skinny jeans, etc.
Cook a romantic dinner for her, empty the ashtrays, recycle all your empty PBR cans. Italian is a good choice because it is relatively easy to cook, though it may be wise to skip the garlic bread.
Show her you care by playing her favorite band’s first album. You know the one I’m talking about, before they went corporate and got “treatment” for “alcoholism”.
Seat her on the bean bag chair and offer her Franzia.
Talk about what she likes, listen intently, even if it bores you. Connect her conversation to positive experiences you both shared. Subtly remind her that you liked her much more before she sold out. Massage her shoulders. Lead her by the hand to the bedroom.
If this doesn’t work, try to find someone with, like, lower expectations. She isn’t worth the effort.
-HJ
