Helpful Tit’s Tips: OkCupid

Being a young, marginally attractive and relatively sane Jewish woman in Los Angeles is a massive commodity these days. I might as well be as be The Missing Link…or a Furby around Holiday ‘99.

Compared to J-Date, OkCupid is a fucking wild Busby Berkley musical romp…but for lady-users, it requires much more prudence to dig through the crap-stack. I recently have been enjoying the fruits of OkCupid and it even yielded a four-month long run-in with a rare Brit-Jew transplant. Let’s just say when a guy moves 6,000 miles to escape his Jewish mother…that should be a big enough red-run-for-the-hills-flag for you right there…

Anyways. Here are some Spring-cleaning tips for your OkCupid profiles so you Hipster Jew men can standout among the greasy masses, and attract the Jewish quirky-manic-pixy-dream girl-of-your-dreams (who doesn’t exist, I promise).

• First of all, the “first thing people notice about you” is not your “awesomeness”. How could that fucking be? Has this conversation ever happened to you at your local drinking establishment? “Oh hi—I couldn’t help but noticing your awesomeness from across the bar, and I just had to come over here to tell you how badly I wanted your man-meat in close proximity to my mouth!”. No. It clearly hasn’t. That is why you and I both are on the OkCupid. No shame.

But seriously. Be more creative than that, you awesome-possum, you!

• Your main user photo: You have a goofy, hilarious professional-looking headshot of you making a “Who, Me?” face that screams “I’m just like Jonah Hill, except skinny and somehow hackier!”. No it doesn’t. It screams: “I’m an actor!” or worse! “I do improv. At my Temple. For the Hebrew school!”.

Just use that picture of you blasted at your best friends wedding and lets move on.

• Make sure your favorite movie is “Harold and Maude”. Bitches love “Harold and Maude”.
• List vegan food in your interests. This makes you seem Earthy and health conscious. No one need be wiser about the 3am Jack in the Crap runs.

And lastly:

• If you’ve made a cardinal life mistake, and have to list “writer” as your occupation on OkCupid, remember you are a fucking writer. You are A FUCKING WRITER.

Don’t let your profile’s grammar and punctuation resemble my taint hair …(non-existent).