Recently, my doctor said she wanted me to start a workout regimen. At first I was relieved that she didn’t want me to stop binging on PBR and Sailor Jerry’s every weekend. But later, I realized that I’m a lazy hipster fuck who hasn’t done any physical exertion since I had to run the mile in tenth grade gym class, and even then I actually walked said mile because neither the teacher nor the students took that class seriously.
Shit. This was going to be harder than I thought.
I needed to find a workout that allowed me to fulfill my doctor’s wishes and still let me have money for vinyls and booze. So no equipment, no gym membership (yuppies and mainstreamers go there, anyway. EWW), and no dietary supplements. I figured running would be the perfect solution. I threw on some old clothes, strapped up my iPod with the stopwatch function turned on, and started this “working out” thing.
Thirty seconds later I stopped. The horrible pain in my shins and knees was telling me that while my sneakers made out of hemp and recycled tires might be totally hip and green, they would totally destroy my feet and I could not run in them. It was time to pick up a pair of lamestream running shoes.
After that debacle (and spending money on shoes that I could have used to buy the limited-edition color vinyl pressing of Ringo Deathstarr’s new album), I decided to bike instead. It was even better than running, since I already have a bike and a pump for the tires, and besides, hipsters fucking love bikes. It’s a fact that 50% of hipsters have a dream of being a messenger/courier/bike delivery boy in case their electro-pop band doesn’t get signed by an indie label. So I’ve been riding my bike all around town and feeling really good about myself. The only downside is that if I work out too effectively, my quads will become massive and I won’t be able to fit into my skinny jeans anymore. This is actually a huge drawback. Between that problem and the fear of becoming a bro if I work out too hard/too frequently, I’m still on the fence about “taking charge of my health.” It was so much easier when all I had to do was eat organic foods and then pretend that my diet kept me 100% healthy, and able to drink all the coffee and booze I ever wanted.
Still, if I have to run and bike to earn my 6pack of PBR tallboys, I guess you’ll see me on the road and occasionally protesting for wider bike lanes.
