The Do’s and Don’ts of Hitler Staches

I’ve had this debate a million times. Hitler stache, or no hitler stache? For those of us who refuse to name ‘he who shall not be named’, the ‘toothebush’ stache was first popularized by Charlie Chaplin. It was probably never really that cool, but that didn’t stop Charlie from using it, who found it to be quite comical….and it was.

Which is why, whenever a man or lady is shaving their beard/stache, it’s okay to shave it into a Hitler stache. It’s okay to chuckle a little, even utter a quiet ‘you sorry old bastard you’. I won’t blame you. And I won’t judge you. Because we’ve all been there, and we’ve all laughed a little.

That being said, here are some do’s and don’ts for Hitler staches.

The J Jonah Jameson: Do it.

Not only are his JJJ initials dangerously close to KKK, but let’s be serious. If anyone was going to be called a ‘Nazi’, it would be Jonah Jameson. Therefore only bosses are allowed to wear this one. Why? Have you ever called your boss a Nazi? Sometimes ‘the Nazi’ has to teach you moronic underlings what true hyperbole means.

The Yitzhak Shamir: Do it.

Do you happen to be super old? Are you also the Prime Minister of Israel and/or do you have a white head of hair and a beard to match? You can pull a quick one and nobody will accuse you of being an old douchey fart.

The ‘one time for Facebook’ ironic stache (w/ salute included!): Maybe do it…

This one is a coin toss. Are you planning on a political career of some sort? Don’t do it. Are you planning on running as a Republican? Then do it. Are you not planning on ever working with any Jewish people, college-educated people, or Germans? Then do it. Do it big.

The Mugabe: Don’t do it.

Although this is a bastardized version of the Hitler stache, you should not wear this out of the house. Mugabe pulls this one off because…well…he isn’t white. On the other hand, because he is Mugabe, no one is allowed to wear this in public. Another asshole dictator ruining a facial hair trend.

The Michael Jordon: Don’t do it.

Only if you have Michael Jordan’s aura could you pull this shit off. But you don’t. You probably also aren’t bald, black, and willing to do commercials with Charlie Sheen. On the off chance you do pull an MJ, man up to it. Don’t say you were shaving and ‘happened to miss a spot’.

The Heinrich Himmler: Don’t do it.

Because let’s be honest. Ever since Hitler wore the ‘stache, it’s been off limits. And nobody wants to pull a “Himmler” and bandwagon on a social trend.