What started off as a (somewhat) simple question on whether or not mainstream Judaism wants me to have more Jewish babies than not Jewish babies, and how do half Jewish babies fall into this equation, turned into an awful mess of questions about who is Jewish. So please, take your 2B pencils (none of that #2, HB pencil shit) and your calculators out. This is going to be a tough one. Class is now in session.

True or False

1. Conjoint half Jews = One whole Jew
2. If a man converts to Orthodox Judaism, then denounces his conversion and becomes a Reform Jew, he is actually a Conservative Jew.
3. Transsexuals must get re-circumsized
4. If you were born into a Protestant home, yet strictly follow the Torah, you are not Jewish until some dood with a beard sprinkles water on you or something.
5. Greeks are also known as “Honorary Jews.” It’s okay to smoosh with them.
6. If you don’t believe in God, celebrate Christmas, and like country music, you are still Jewish if your mother’s mother’s mother was Jewish.
7. Anyone who isn’t an Ultra-Orthodox Jew is actually just Jew-ish
8. Shomer Negia is a french term for “Nazi propaganda”
9. Having a Bat Mitzva at 13 is blasphemous and something a Goy would do
10. Sword fighting is not allowed, but as it says in the Torah: dyking out is a win for everyone!

Fill in the Blank

1. Your mother’s father’s dentist was Jewish. This makes you _______
2. I failed _______ in junior high school.
3. The first time my mother gave me the foreskin talk was when I was _______ years old.
4. Judaism is to Sam’s Club as Hookers are to _______
5. Country clubs exclude noses larger than _______ handbreadths (a biblical measurement)
6. OMG DID YOU HEAR _______, THE NEW MACCABEATS SONG??
7. One difference between the KKK and Judaism is that it’s easier to become a member of _______
8. If you went to Jewish day school for _______ years, afterwords you smoked weed _______ times, and your ratio is below 1:4, you probably work for Hillel
9. Beards are restricted to old ladies and _______
10. In the spring time, my favorite drug of choice is _______

Word Problems (Please show all math)

1. What do you get when you add a half Jew and a Jew for Jesus?
2. Two Jews walk into a bar. One orders a diet coke. The other orders a Coors Light. They tip $3 on a $5 bill. Are they actually Jewish?
3. If a Jewish baby and Christian baby are switched in a hospital by accident, how many Hail Marys must the Christian baby say in order to repent all of their Jewish sins to get into heaven?
4. If your mother was a gay conservative rabbi, can you become a straight orthodox rabbi?
5. Where does Reconstructionist Judaism fall on the Jewish spectrum? (Extra Credit: define Reconstructionist Judaism)
6. If a Jew tells a joke and no one laughs, will Carlos Mencia steal it?
7. How can a Jew for Jesus be self hating?
8. Two gay black Jews adopt an Asian baby girl. How much money must they donate to their shul in order to not be harassed?
9. If the father is a non Jewish Zionist and the mother is an anti-Israel Jew, what is the child?
10. (1/2 jew x 1/4 jew / 2 Jews for Jesus) + 1 Jehovah’s Witness =

Images

Have you seen this man before? Please tell the court where he touched you.

How does this painting remind you of your mother?

Am I turning you on yet?