Tomorrow is America’s favorite holiday, The Superbowl. Its one event that unites a nation in getting drunk, fat (ter) and watching TV for 6 consecutive hours. Its basically like Christmas, but more religious. Its ok if you don’t celebrate Christmas, its fine, but to not watch the Superbowl? Not even for the commercials? Or the halftime show?
That is un-American, and an act that will ensure the TSA will be getting a nice look at your goods next time you take a flight.
I know you hipsters out there don’t like sports all that much, and most likely like football even less than most, but forget that. You’re going to watch it and I’m going to help make it tolerable. Because truth be told, as much as I like sports, I fucking hate the Superbowl.
But I hate getting a colonoscopy at Logan even more.
Party Supplies:
Beer. Lots of it. The cheaper the better. Buy a bunch of Walgreen’s brand Big Flats and then some PBR to be the “good stuff”. Drink the PBR at first, then smash some Big Flats when you’re too drunk to taste.
Since you’ll be too drunk to taste, your party food should consist of whatever’s on sale. Maybe one of those giant tubs of Cheese Ballz or those sweet tins with three different flavors of popcorn. I bet you could find some of those leftover from Christmas and get them for cheap. And they’re basically not food, so they don’t even go stale. Its a win win.
For something more substantial, always go with pizza. Its up to you were you get it. If, like me, you have no friends, you can get some good pizza with some specialty toppings. The more people you have over though, the cheaper pizza you need to get.
If you’re really popular that means you’re getting Dominoes. Lots and lots Dominoes.
You should probably have some soda and dip. Spring for actually Coke, because nobody likes store brand cola. As for dip, I don’t really give a shit because I hate vegetables. I get those Lipton onion dip packs and some sour cream, because we keep it classy at my house.
PREGAME SHOW GUIDE:
Don’t watch any pregame shows. Superbowl parties are full of two types people: Those who care about the NFL and those would do not care at all. Pregame shows offend the sense of both groups. The people who care about football know every possible storyline and do not want to hear any of them for the 12th time in the past week. The other group just really doesn’t give a shit if the backup longsnapper grew up in Dallas and overcame his dyslexia to be an inactive reserve on the Packers.
Instead watch various football teamed episodes of your favorite TV shows. Like that Simpson’s episode where the kicker’s leg falls off. Always a good time.
GAME TIME MOTHERFUCKERS
Now you’re in for the long hall. The game is started and everyone is paying attention now. This part sucks. Take this time to eat and drink all the good food before anyone else gets a chance too. Try to find someone to hook up with. Failing that go to bathroom and jerk off (only if the party is at your house, other wise its considered rude. Weird, right?). No one will notice you’re gone for a bit at this point.
Suggested Superbowl Spankin’ material: Rachel Nichols. She’s ESPN hot and if you’re a Packers fan you probably want to hate fuck her for her Brett Favre retirement reporting.
HALFTIME:
The halftime show is the Black Eyed Peas featuring appearances by Slash and Usher. This unholdy trio of artists will collectively rape your ears for a half hour. Enjoy.
You could flip to something else, but there’s a 12% chance something awesome happens. Odds go up to 20% if Slash started doing heroin again. Maybe Slash and Usher will just whip ‘em out and compare. Or maybe Fergie will pee herself again. Who knows?
Something unintentionally hilarious might happen and you can’t miss it. Secretly I’m hoping Axl Rose crashed the Halftime show and plays some shit off his next album: Chinese Democracy II. (due out in 2017…maybe)
SECOND HALF
Soon into the 3rd quarter I imagine one of the teams will have taken a controlling lead and no one will be paying attention to game any more. This is the best part, as now you can just sit back and make witty observations about the inanities of the broadcast. Think of it as MST3k with sports. The game is on FOX this year, which means you should have plenty of material ranging from the idiocy of Troy Aikman and Joe Buck to the oddly alluring Football Playing Robot Fox has dancing on screen periodically.
POST GAME:
IDK, continue drinking, proceed with your regularly scheduled Sunday activities.
Drinking Games:
Take a drink everytime:
Someone mentions Brett Favre
You feel like punching Joe Buck*
The Fox Football Bot does the moonwalk
A band you like sells out for a Superbowl ad
A car commercial never mentions anything about the car its selling
Washed up celebrity shows up in commercial/half time show/crowd
If one team is up by 10+ at halftime.
Moment of accidental nudity.
*Don’t actually do that unless you don’t mind alcohol poisoning.
So I hope this helps make your Superbowl Party Hipster friendly…and by that I mean drunk and sarcastic.
The Coach’s Stone Cold, Hard As Neil Diamond, Guaranteed Lock Superbowl Pick: Steelers 34, Packers 21
