Bieber to Jews what Joseph was to Egyptians

For all of you who read our hipster Bible, Joseph the son of Israel, formerly known as Jacob, the son of Isaac, the son of Abraham, formerly known as Abram, and so on and so forth. Eventually, he became the viceroy of Egypt. As our legend tells, every word of which is true, Joseph saved Egypt through perilous famines, and reigned in years of success as well. He was their go-to guy for prosperity. I know, I know – another Jew holding some type of position of power – but hear me out first: Joseph was able to stand up in front of the Egyptians and tell them what they needed to hear.

Now, lets take Justin Bieber. Apparently, he learned the Shema from his Jewish manager, some dude named Scooter. (No Joke). Now, Scooter here, says the Shema sometimes. The Shema is the Jewish faith’s magnum opus. It is the one prayer that everyone knows – religious, humanist, chabad. (Chabad eats this shit up). Nonetheless, this prayer goes as follows: “Hear O Israel, the Lord is our Master, the Lord is One.” Bieberette liked this prayer so much, that he says before his shows. Namely, the show he’s doing in Tel Aviv very soon.

Justin Bieber, the Hipster-Jewish Savior (While Chicky is away)

Apparently, he’s trying to be the new Matisyahu.

But here’s the real twister, the mind bender, the hipster cigarette which you light because you want to smoke it, but you also enjoy the look it gives you because that’s what hipsters do – Beiber wants to preach to Jews. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it (if you can afford a pipe, otherwise, in your rolling papers – we’re equal opportunity bloggers here).

By preaching this to Jews, Beiber is effectively becoming our viceroy. The messiah has arrived. Chabad has a new Schneerson. All hail Bieber.

By the way, here is how I will legitimize this:

“I’m crazy, I’m nuts,” Justin Bieber tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Lisa Robinson. “Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts. But I think the best probably are.” (Vanity Fair Interview)

Since he said “I think the best probably are,” he is proclaiming himself the Messiah. Following my logic? Good. Hail the little princess.

Disclaimer: My work is satire, obviously. Unless you don’t want it to be. Then it can be whatever you wish it. Oh yeah.