One of the worst possible things about hipsters is how easily they compromise their principles– and nowhere is this more visible than the fact that Starbucks has become a national chain with multiple stores in every city, down to the smallest podunk town in America. There’s even a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks in Texas somewhere.
Truly, the end times are nigh.
See, everyone says they want delicious, freshly brewed coffee from sustainable coffee farms and distributed to us by artisan, independently owned coffeehouses. Ideally the barristas working here at this (probably) fictional place are friendly and can serve you the best caffeinated beverage you’ve ever tasted, and your money goes to support the hardworking owner, struggling to establish their coffee shop as the best in the area against the biggest chains. You can feel secure that your five-dollar-a-day caffeine habit is fighting the good fight in the arena of capitalism, the small business owner going up against the evil empires of coffee, and winning.
Then you see that the newest coffeehouse in your area is in fact a Starbucks and everyone says “meh, good enough.” Wait, what happened to sustainability and independent business owners and non-corporate wage earners? Didn’t we all want that sort of coffee utopia? What is going on here? Well, don’t ask me. I drink that pre-ground Folgers stuff that comes in a can (sooo unhip).
Then there are all the mainstreamers (lamestreamers, amirite?) who go there just to check their email or browse the interwebs in a public place, to be seen. You can’t even get a seat in the place (not like I’ve ever been, so how would I know…?) And even though they’re a very large corporation that could negotiate any price they wanted for coffee beans, most of their drinks can cost an arm and a leg. Then there’s the sizing. What’s wrong with saying “small,” “medium,” and “large?” You’re so hip that you have to make your customers order in a made up vernacular? I mean, I’ve been to a Starbucks once or twice. I ordered a medium. The girl working the register knew exactly what I was saying. Why force everyone to say “venti” or whatever when large would do? What does the Italian word for “twenty” have to do with coffee? I’m like, totes confused. I think I’ll just stay away from Starbucks. Although, that’s going to be a challenge, since I think they assimilate other coffee shops like the Borg. “We are the ‘Bucks. We will add your premium roast and your arthouse flavors to our own. Half and half is irrelevant. Sugar is irrelevant. Your espresso machines will adapt to service us. Alternate business models are futile.”
Are you a true hipster? Want real coffee? Time to move to Portland.
