Mel Gibson’s Ex Reveals All

So I know that 0% of hipsters watch the news. But I also know that some Jews watch the news, and since here at HipsterJew we cover everything kosher and trendy, the news is fair game. There I was, minding my own business, when I see that Mel Gibson’s ex girlfriend is going to appear on Larry King. Fascinating. I can only speculate on how that interview is going to play out, and I’ll share it with you, dear readers!

LARRY KING: Tonight we have Mel Gibson’s ex girlfriend on the show. You’re in for a real treat. As she isn’t famous on her own merit, I’m only going to ask her about Mel. Please welcome Oksana Grigorieva!

OKSANA GRIGORIEVA: Thank you for having me.

LK: I must say you are very attractive. Would you like to become my newest wife?

OG: I’d rather skip the bullshit, and become the latest name on your alimony check.

LK: Haha! You gold digging bitch. Okay. Let’s get down to business. You were going out with Mel Gibson.

OG: Yes.

LK: What happened there?

OG: Well, things were going great for a long time. But things went sour at a party in New York City.

LK: Did he have too much to drink?

OG: It started before the drinking, actually. We were in New York, you know, and it really made Mel edgy. He said he felt “surrounded and “hemmed in.” I guess because of all the Jews in New York. Anyway, it was close to our anniversary, and people had been congratulating us all evening.

LK: It sounds like you were having a good time.

OG: Not exactly. There was a guy there who I thought was kind of cute, but Mel was staring him down the whole time. I asked him why and he said it was because the guy had a “Jewbeak” and that he “looked Semitic.” Then Mel found the open bar…

LK: Oh boy.

OG: Yes. Anyway the last thing I remember clearly is a man coming up to us and saying “I heard you two are having an anniversary soon! Mazel tov!” and Mel completely flipped his shit.

LK: What happened next?

OG: There was a lot of punching and kicking. I heard a lot of glass breaking… I heard some things like “Jesus killers,” “hook-nosed bastards,” things about interest rates and the gold standard. It was awful. I tried to calm him down and got hit across the face. That’s when I walked out.

LK: And that was the end of it?

OK: Well, not quite. He called me from jail the next day and tried to apologize. He said something about “I would never hurt you. It’s just… when I think of them getting off scott free for killing Jesus, it makes me so angry. Can you pick me up from county?” Then I told him no, and he called me a “kike-loving shrew and hung up on me. That was the last time i heard from him.

LK: Wow. Sounds like he’s tough to handle.

OK: Keep the conversation away from money… religion… or bagels or delis and you should be fine.

LK: If I wanted a pastrami sandwich I shouldn’t tell Mr. Gibson about it?

OK: Oh, no. He’d beat the shit out of you.

LK: Well! I’m afraid that’s all the time we have. Thank you very much for talking to us, Miss Grigorieva.

OK: It was a pleasure. You can send me that alimony check any time.

LK: Our next guest, George W Bush, the 43rd president. He talks about his new collaboration with Kanye West to make an “anti-hater pro-life” rap album! I will send her that alimony check. I am a pathetic man.