It’s Called Blacktop, Stephen

David Stern is the most powerful commissioner in sports. He is the only guy who has complete control over his league and is seen as such a powerful figure that various rumors of him fixing the draft (see Patrick Ewing, NY Knicks) and fixing games (see every Kings playoff series). No one thinks the NHL’s Gary Bettman could do that, Bettman wishes he was half the commish Stern was. No one knows who the NFL commish is, and no one cares. And the MLB’s Bud Selig seems to have no real power to control owners, players or their union.

The NBA's most underrated player (Olajuwan) with the world's most underrated mustache.

Stern stands above all the other commishs (knish?) is standing high atop his tiny fiefdom. I don’t really know why a 5’9”  Jewish guy who grew up in Teaneck, New Jersey (sound familiar Duckman?) became the most dominant figure in a league filled with 7 foot black men, but shit happens.

So its surprising to see such strong figure come on the Colbert Report and give the world’s most awkward, old, douchey, white guy interview.

When Colbert asks him about the most popular sports he includes “What you American’s call soccer” which, of course, is douchey thing to say without the weird implication that somehow he isn’t an American. In fact, Colbert calls him out on this and Stern reveals that he doesn’t consider himself American. “I’m an internationalist” which something you’d expect out a bright eyed college freshmen who just took her first study in world cultures and spends way too much time in the campus coffee shop.

Beyond that he also explained why noted boring film maker Ken Burns will never slowly pan across old photos of Kareem:

“We’re too current, movement orientated and attitudely oriented toward young people.”

Its funny listening to someone so awkward, explaining that his league, and by extension himself, is essentially to hip for old awkward men like Burns.

(Also, is attitudely a word?)

And then, my favorite line is just that deadpan statement to Colbert

“It’s called blacktop.”

I will be using this as a hilarious non-sequitar in any basketball related discussion from now own. I would also appreciate an Auto-tune song version of this.

Get on it internet.

“It’s called blacktop.”