You’re not Funny, Steven Crowder

[Ed. note: This is an open letter to Steven Crowder. We are awaiting a reply. This involves sitting in front of Fox News and taking a drink everytime they say something honest and truthful. We are now angrily sober and awaiting a reply.]

Dear Mr. Steven Crowder,

I recently came across your Foxnews.com post about Hipsters. And before I go any further, I just want you to know that I laughed so hard, I literally peed myself a little. Like I had to change my undergarments. Well…no, that’s not entirely true. Let me digress for a second. Can I tell you a joke?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

You’re.

You’re who?

You’re not funny.

See that joke? It was funnier than anything you’ve ever said or written. Haha! Just joshing you, silly!

See, that’s what hipsters do. We are very ironic, which means we like to make subtle jokes! So I’ll be brief, because I’m sure you have much to do. Like that little creepy youtube Glenn-Beckesque monologue series of yours.

I want to talk to you, as one blogger to another. Sure, you may have thousands of fans while only my mom reads Hipster Jew. But she tells me if I keep working hard, maybe my dad will read it too.

Anyhow, I recently read your OP-ED piece (as we call ‘em in the blog business) about Hipsters. I had a few very very minor issues that I was hoping you could help me out with.

1) Do you really think I’m a liberal because I want to be different? If I really wanted to be different, wouldn’t I be, say, a 23 year old Republican ‘comedian’? Or would I be different if I tow the ol’ Republican Party lines? Because like hipsters, we all know that ONE Republican. You know, the one who thinks that because they are different and conservative, they are therefore better than you. Sounds familiar?

2) For a moment I’ll ignore your hil-ar-i-ous generalizations about hipsters. But I do need to ask, you being from Canada and all: Have you met a real American college student? Sure, at private, expensive universities, many privileged students do not work jobs. Their parents, who benefit immensely from the Republican tax cuts, can afford to pay $200,000 for a liberal arts degree. This may sound crazy to you, but most college students, and even hipsters, end up in debt and usually work one or two jobs while pursuing a ‘worthless’ degree.

But you probably didn’t go to college (which is evident in your writing! Zing!) so I’m confused how you could make such a bold generalization.

3) This quote made me ROFL (internet speak for ‘really fucking hilarious’). “If you were to ask the modern hipster, he… I mean she… Sorry, IT is likely under the impression that Usama Bin Laden is wearing skinny jeans in his cave, currently listening to Animal Collective as he throws back cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon”

Nothing beats a good joke dehumanizing a group of people, and then using grossly negligent metaphors to compare them to terrorists. UNLESS you get to physically beat the group of people you were dehumanizing!

My point is that you are not a comedian. Your article wasn’t funny, it was stupid. I make fun of hipsters everyday, and because I am one, I do a much better job at it. Rule #1 of blogging: Do your research or you’ll look like a  god damned jackass ——> which you do. But whatever, I have a thick skin and I think you’re a hack, so I don’t really care that you are not cool and nobody your age likes you.

I do, however, need you to apologize to me and my readers. Because my site IS called hipsterJEW. We Jews have been monopolizing the comedy business for years. I’m sure you are familiar with atleast one or two ‘liberal’ Jewish comedians, who may even have influenced you to try stand-up. But by calling yourself a comedian, you’re insulting 3000 years of Jewish tradition. It’s like if I called you a retard. It would be insulting to all the real retards out there.

Oh, and all your jokes were already made back in 2005. Probably Dennis Miller made them, or some other conservative ‘comedian’. As an alleged comedian yourself, you should know better. Maybe if you weren’t such a cultural nimrod, you would have known that. Gawd.

Not Currently Living In Williamsburg,

-Chicky